Thursday, December 31, 2009

Awwwwwwww.

Yeah, it's a bit cheesy and yes, it's a bit contrived but it makes me all happy anyway! {sniff}



See? There IS hope for guys with thinning hair. {sniff}

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Fun with the Government

I am trying to fly home tonight.

Once upon a time I was on some Homeland Security (HS) watch list and I could not make reservations on the internet and I ALWAYS had to go through the full blown prostate exam version of screening before boarding a plane.

Apparently SOME guy named Robert Johnson somewhere made the bulging brains at HS nervous so therefore ANYONE named Robert Johnson had to go through all the crap to travel. (I hear the John Smiths of the world have the same problem)

So a few years ago I gathered up my birth certificate, my military discharge papers, college diplomas etc. etc. and submitted all of them to Homeland Security and they grudgingly admitted that I was not THE Robert Johnson that had them all atwitter and I have been able to fly with my anal virginity relatively intact lo these last couple of years.

Well, unless you have been sleeping in a cave (or perhaps a medical resident?) you are all aware of the attempted Christmas Day bombing of that flight to Detroit last weekend. You know, the guy who had no visa, no passport, no luggage and whose own father called the CIA and warned them about him was able to get on a plane and fly to Detroit with a bomb in his pants.

So now, of course, Robert Johnson’s every where are back on “the” watch list again and can no longer take care of business over the internet and one can only assume the anal probing will begin anew. (I wish I were gay then perhaps flying would be ever so much more fun? Oh, that reminds me, I need to stop and pick up some KY jelly before heading to the airport.)

So the thought occurs to me, I think I am going to ask my Dad to call the CIA and tell them he thinks I am going to attack some Americans. THEN maybe I can get past airport security without having odd bowel movements for several days afterwards again. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Fun with Google

Did you ever wonder how the Google search engine works! Why with pigeons of course! I mean DUH! Don’t believe me? Well just let google.com explain it to you…

http://www.google.com/technology/pigeonrank.html

See? I just can't believe you ever doubted me!

Need a job? Google is hiring for its Lunar HiDeHiDeHo project!

http://www.google.com/jobs/lunar_job.html

Now who does not like FREE? Google has free (and mostly sanitary) wireless Internet available! Check it out!

(be sure to click the “Getting Started” button…)

http://www.google.com/tisp/

(and everyone made fun of that Senator for referring to the internet as a series of pipes! Clearly he was simply a Google TISP user!)

Looking for Romance? Why look anywhere other than Google?

http://www.google.com/romance/

(Oh, do NOT miss the "Take the Tour" link!)

Monday, December 28, 2009

Mmmmm, troubleshooting charts!

OK, nerds just love troubleshooting charts!

So compact, so concise, yet oh so full of sooooo much yummy, tasty knowledge! Mmmmmmmmm.

In fact I got to use one last night to help figure out what was wrong with Erica's oven. Ahhhhh, the perfect Sunday night entertainment! :)

So I thought I would share this handy new years eve troubleshooting chart with you.

Click it to enlarge then print it out and keep it handy.

Just another friendly service offered to you by Nerdyredneck inc.!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Crap?

Ok, I know computer people are weird, in fact I revel in it but today I was actually surprised by how weird a moment I had with a programmer.

It’s Friday morning and we are riding the elevator up and out of the blue in a depressing monotone he says, “Crap it’s Friday! I’ll be bored all weekend.”

Oh.My.GAWD.

I must bow before his awe inspiring nerdyness. I hereby pass on the slide rule of justice to the new alpha nerd. Don't feel bad for me either, suddenly, I no longer want to be the alpha nerd.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Dependency

I suppose with all addictions you never know just how addicted you are until you can no longer get your fix. For example I used to smoke. I always said and completely believed that I could quit smoking anytime I wanted too. I found out the hard way how wrong I was about that (finding out the hard way seems to be a personality trait of mine. :) )

I was 16 still living on the farm in Nebraska and I was only a month away from leaving for basic training when we received word that a significant blizzard was heading our way. So we ran into town and stocked up on groceries and settled in for the fun.

It was a doozy of a blizzard too. We got (as I recall) a couple of feet of snow but the winds were the killer. There was white out conditions for several days as the winds continued to howl long after the snow stopped. The winds were so strong they torn the storm door off the back porch. Of course high winds defeat the road clearing crews as the snow continually drifts back over cleared surfaces. Then of course the gravel rural roads are the lowest priority to clear as they get so little use. So as I recall we were snowed in for about two weeks.

For some odd reason when we stocked up on groceries I forgot to get cigarettes. Even as I was smoking the last of my cigs I was not concerned. I mean I could quit anytime I wanted to right?



Oh boy did I find out how bad I was hooked. At first I did not associate the restlessness and the inability to feel satisfied after eating with not having any smokes. After a period of time though as I started to jones badly there was no doubt in my mind that I WANTED A CIGARETTE DAMNIT!

My Aunts and uncles had lived through the great depression and the rationing of WWII and were tremendous and habitual hoarders. (e.g. when the last of them died and we were cleaning out the house we found over 800 pounds of sugar stashed in one of the bedrooms. They were ready for the next time sugar was rationed for a few years! ) So one of my long deceased Uncles used to smoke and I was sure he would have some smokes stashed somewhere so I started to search and search.

Sure enough I found a carton of non filter Camel’s that were very, very old. The cigarette paper had turned brown and when I started smoking one brown resin started to run from the end of the cig and actually ran down my arm. Oh it tasted horrible to boot!

I did not care; I relished every drag of that smoke as my shattered nerves were soothed and calmed by that hellishly bad cigarette. I never told myself again that I could quit anytime I wanted because I knew better!

I thought of this story because last Saturday night I found out I have another dependency. I went to nuke up lunch in the trusty old microwave and the fan ran, the turntable span and when the timer ran down it beeped as usual but the food was still ice cold. The micro had died. Oh, well, I was already planning a shopping trip Sunday morning so I just mentally tacked microwave on the list.

Saturday night I am standing in front of the fridge deciding on supper when I realized I had almost NOTHING in the house that did not require a microwave! Then I realized how totally addicted I am to the micro! I mean my god; boil a pot of water to make heat Polish sausage instead of just beaming it for 30 seconds? No way!

That was as close as I could get to food that could be cooked “conventionally”. I ended up having cereal and toast for supper. I was jonesing man, totally jonesing!

So just like the amazing discovery when I was 16 that I was completely hooked on nicotine, now I am fully aware that I am totally dependant on having a microwave.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Airplanes don't help bud! :)

This story is a couple of years old but I just thought of it recently. Well I thought of it because I was talking to another aviation nut and mentioned that all in the years I have owned an airplane I have never met a woman who was impressed or more than mildly interested by that. I mean there are plenty of women who would be impressed with say a Corvette yet my plane costs way more than a 'Vette and goes WAY faster than a 'Vette so you would think it would have a least a little sex appeal right? Nope!

Then that reminded of the one time that a lady was impressed by a plane and how fast it turned on me.

Two Januaries ago on a Friday night I was having a few beers at a nice place with a friend/client in Springfield. It was bitterly cold out. I mean sub zero cold!

There was a group of nurses a few tables over celebrating something. I bought a very good looking nurse a drink. I mean she was clearly out of my league but being the optimistic glutton for punishment I am I thought,  "What the heck, give it a shot, you never know..." To my surprise, it worked, she joined us. So the conversation turned to the cold and my friend chimes in with, hey, you ought to fly us all to Florida in your plane so we can get warmed up. (he was a great wingman! lol)


The hot nurse suddenly became VERY attentive, "You have your own plane?!" she asked with widened eyes as she leaned in closer.
"Well yeah."
"So you really could fly us to Florida?" Her body language is really broadcasting her interest now!
"Sure.", doing a little math in my head, "Depending on traffic we could be on the beach in 5 hours"
Oh! Now she is almost purring, "Could we leave right now?"
Oh Rob! You have hit the jackpot here!! (Thanks wingman!) "We could but I have been drinking and I don't fly when I have been drinking. We can leave first thing in the morning though."
"Huh, why don't you fly when you have been drinking?"
I thought that was a strange question especially from a nurse question but I answered, "Well I don't want to be operating a two ton machine going over 200 mph four miles above the Earth while I am impaired"
"What? You mean you fly the plane?"
I am a little confused but answer, "Well sure."
"You don't ride in the back?"
In all nerdy seriousness I answered, "What would be the fun in that?"
Click!
Just like that she was totally uninterested, thanked me for the drink and walked away.

So close and yet so, so far! :)

So that was the only woman I ever met that was at all impressed I owned a plane and as soon as she found out it was not a chauffeured airplane she could not care less anymore.

Damn!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Ok, more one more Tiger joke...

I still really don't care about his personal life but I did see on the news this morning they now have 10 mistress' "identified". Considering his profession I would expect 8 more to show up yet making 18 total.

Arrrr!

Yeah, that's utterly horrible but I simply could not resist!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Define Irony...

See the full article here but the opening sentence is funny enough!

"WASHINGTON — It's hardly the image of transparency the Obama administration wants to project: A workshop on government openness is closed to the public."

Classic!

Of course in that long list of Obama's failures to be "transparent" they left out how NASA, a publicly funded research organizations no less, has refused for two years now to release their methodology on how they "massage" global climate data. In the fallout of the "Climategate" NASA of all government agencies should be Johnny on the spot in releasing non-classified non-military data and methodologies. I mean dissemination is the very heart of modern science. Right? Right?

(Sorry! I veered off funny and got serious there for a parargraph, please forgive me!)

Friday, December 4, 2009

Just do it!

My only thoughts on the whole Tiger Woods media manufactured debacle is why would Nike drop it’s sponsorship of Tiger over this?

After all he just lived up to the Nike slogan! “Just do it!”

And he did "Just do it", over and over again.

So what’s the problem?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

What do ya know bout dat?

It snowed in Dallas BEFORE it snowed in Springfield this year.

Wow!

follow the link...Snow in Dallas...in December? Weird! It's just now fall in Dallas let alone snow!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Management Think #7


Ok so I was in Wally world and I spy these cute little chairs. They fold flat, they look comfy and they are only $20. Hmmmmm.



As we all know looks can be deceiving so I want to see if they really are comfy before I buy. So I went to take one of the displays models off the shelf so I can sit in it and check it out.

What the heck? They have the display models screwed to the shelf.



Yet, YET, there are two big stacks setting right under the displays loose and free. Why in the hell would you screw two of them down when you have a bunch more sitting right there in a loose stack? Do people not think things through anymore? Gah!

Anyway, they were NOT comfortable so I did not buy any.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Finally!


They finally did it!

I HATE electric hand dryers in public restrooms.


All they do is burn a lot of electricity and then you inevitably end up wiping your hands on your pants. I long ago reached the point where whenever I see one of these wastes of resources and there are no paper towels I just go ahead and save time and electricity and just wipe my hands on my pants right off the bat and be done with it.

However, someone finally invented an electric hand dryer that actually works! No I am not kidding! Stands to reason if someone was to pull off this feat of engineering it would be Dyson.






Check this out, instead of trying to dry your hands with what is essentially a hair dryer Dyson made the air stream very tight and directional so that it pulls the water off your hands instead of trying to evaporate it with heat. It works very well! (refer back to the drawing of how you can identify a scientific type, trust me, I tried this little gem of engineering several times before leaving!)








Jules and Stacy were already fellow co-founders of the Dyson fan club, so ladies, does this device give you any new ideas? ;)

Anyway, kudos to Dyson for FINALLY building an electric hand dryer that actually dries your hands. Who’d a thunk it could ever happen?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Truth in Advertising?

I don’t get it.

I don’t know if you heard about this or not... I will bet that everyone who watches TV remembers the series of commercials about Cheerios cereal being able to lower your cholesterol.

Well the FDA made them take those ads off the air UNLESS they were willing to classify Cheerios as a drug and go through the multi year process of getting Cheerios approved as a drug.

In today’s world it is common knowledge that a low fat, high fiber diet can help you lower your cholesterol plus it is considered just a generally healthy way to eat. Cheerios was just using that bit of common knowledge to brag they were low fat, high fiber and whole grain. These are all supposedly good things- right?

Ok. I think it’s a bit silly to issue cease and desist letters and legal threats to Cherrios over this but OK, I get it, you can’t make those claims about your product unless the government agrees it’s true. I can live with that even if I do think it is a bit over the top.

HOWEVER- at the same time we have pills advertised on TV to make your penis larger and other pills for women to make their breasts grow which are completely untrue! These products makers are flat out lying through their teeth.

So Cheerios commercials which were true based on current dietary beliefs are banned and threatened with massive government retaliation yet “Smiling Bob” and “Extenze" {insert derisive eye roll here at THAT name- ugh!} are allowed to advertise when they are complete and utter lies and are actually being sold in drug form instead of just being moderately healthy food.

I do NOT get that. Man, our government in action yet again.

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Perfect Sunday

Ah, yesterday was Sunday- after two weeks of lingering swine flu and a week of exceeding dismal weather in central Illinois it was a warm and sunny weekend and Sunday was nearly perfect. Out on the deck in a comfy rocking chair with the warm sun beaming down, sipping hot chocolate and reading what is perhaps one of the funniest yet most thought provoking books ever written.



It was wonderful!

Yes I know, this is a boring post but sometimes life is just truly awesome, yet boring at the same time. Weird huh?

Friday, November 20, 2009

Weirdness report #62

I thought this was pretty weird. Scooters are generally for cheap transportation in the city!

This picture was taken on I-44 way out in nowhere southern Missouri. Total BFE country. Miles from anywhere where pigs are not counted as part of the population.

Peter Fonda would be so proud!

Of course this reminds me of the old joke:
Q. How is having sex with a fat person like riding a scooter?
A. It’s a hell of a lot of fun but you don’t want your friends to know you are doing it.

Arrr arr! :) I love that joke!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Ah Bureaucracy

This is an actual photo from the state agency where I am working right now. These signs are EVERYWHERE on my floor today.

Ya know, just making sure!


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I guess it’s true?

I once read that all women are inherently gay it’s only a matter of degree. At the time I did not think too much of that but with all the gushing over the stars of Twilight lately I think back on that article and start to go “Hmmmmm…”

See, since I am a man I like women who look like women. So my basic logic tells men women *should* like men that look like men. Yet so often that does not seem to be the case. I mean look at these people in this picture...


Kristen Stewart is very pretty and yet she is probably the least feminine person in this picture!

The one the third from the left, Robert Pattinson, he is the one you most hear women salivating over. Just look at him(?) he is just sooo pretty- I mean just glue a set of fake boobs on him give him some batons, teach him how to look sincere while he wishes for world peace and he is a Miss America contender all the way. Sandra Bullock, (Miss Congeniality) eat your heart out! He is way prettier than you! (and I adore Sandra Bullock)

Then I reflect back in time and so many “heart throbs” over the years have mostly been girly looking or effeminate.

So ladies, please explain this too me, why are you so often so hot for the girly looking men? If you ask me the “inherently gay” hypothesis gains more data points every day. :)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

This should help...

If you ever thought the scientific types were a little weird this should help you understand them better...

And we are ALL about understanding here! ;)


(if you can't read the print, as always, you can click the picture to make it bigger.)

I don't know about y'all but I find this gut wrenchingly funny!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Were Screwed!

Etymology – et·y·mol·o·gy
1 : the history of a linguistic form (as a word) shown by tracing its development since its earliest recorded occurrence in the language where it is found, by tracing its transmission from one language to another, by analyzing it into its component parts, by identifying its cognates in other languages, or by tracing it and its cognates to a common ancestral form in an ancestral language.

In short it’s the history of words. I have always been interested in the “back stories” of individual words, how the word started, and how it got to mean what it means now.

“Sincerely” is one of my favorite examples. In Latin “sincere” literally means “without wax”. How in the hell did we get to signing letters with a derivative of “without wax”?

The story goes that that in Roman time’s greedy contractors would mix cheap wax into expensive concrete mix. Of course this made for substandard concrete. So the boast or warrantee of “no wax” became important. You were a sincere merchant. Thousands of years later when you sign your letter you still boast of your honesty but thoughts of concrete or wax never once enter your mind. Fun huh?

So this week the thought occurred to me how did “I’m Screwed” (or the hundreds of variations thereof) come to be a bad thing? I mean the vast majority of people enjoy and want sex under most circumstances so how did *that* phrase come to generally mean “something bad is going to happen to me”?

Sorry, no cute answer here, I am genuinely pondering it.

Conversely, how in the world did one of the most despicable things a human could be, a pimp, come to be a good thing? “That’s pimping” is somehow a complement? Pimp my ride means make it cool? Being someone that hurts women and steals their money was somehow twisted into a compliment? I can’t figure that one out either.

Any insights are welcome.

Friday, November 13, 2009

A great callsign

Recently I was driving north through southern Oklahoma. Dallas radio stations were fading out behind me and Oklahoma City stations were not yet in range. If you are into Country Music OR religious talk radio then southern Oklahoma is a radio gold mine! If like me nether of those is really your cup of tea then the entertainment pickings get real slim!

So I set the old radio to “auto scan” to see what I could find. After a bit I got hit on a song I recognized from when I was a little kid. It was not really my kind of song but hey, at this point anything not involving a drunk dog who just got out of prison ‘cause his wife was cheating on him with another pickup truck was sounding good so I tuned it in. Then the next song came on and again I recognized it from long, long ago and again I was not really into it but it was as good as we were going to get so I was riding it out.

After a few songs I heard the radio station’s tagline…“The best of easy listening music from the 70’s and the 80’s” Aha! That explains it. Notice that not only does this radio station play nothing but easy listening music but hey, easy listening music that is only say 20 years old is just not good enough! It has to be really OLD easy listening music to boot!

So, here is the funny part though and I swear I am not making this up. So what is the call sign for a station that plays nothing but the best of 30 to 40 year old easy listening music?

Wait for it…. KOMA! :) Don’t believe me? Well here is the website! http://www.komaradio.com/ So there! :) Even the url is funny! Komaradio! Tee hee!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Owww, my brain hurts!

Being a nerd I naturally see things logically and yeah I do tend to be a bit analytical. And as already noted I find things funny others do not.

So this one cracked me up! We went to the movies last weekend. Here is the ticket "window"...
(Click photo to enlarge if needed)



If you will notice they have totally isolated the money changers from the customers. They have sheets of heavy glass floor to cieling. In fact the commincations is done through the speaker system and cashiers have to wear headsets so they can talk to customers.

Ok, we all know crime happens and it makes sense to protect the cashiers (and the companies money) from robbers but here is the part that totally cracks me up....

They have gone to a lot of effort to "harden" the cashiers. They have spent a lot of money and they have impossed a lot of inconvience on customners and workers simply to prevent robberies. Now look at this photo...



After all that effort to prevent crime all you have to do is take 10 steps around to the WIDE OPEN backside and yell "Stick 'em up!"

Yeah, that cracks me up. All that money and effort just totally wasted.

The sad part is they allow the people who put all this together to breed, vote and even drive cars. Sad huh?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

South Park - Still awesome!

Most people I know don't "like" South Park. Of course they will admit they have never watched it but they still don't like it anyway. Say la vie.

It is now in it's 13th season. I loved the show for years but I had kinda drifted away and had not watched in a while but the Kanye West thing at the VMA's a few weeks ago brought it back to my attention You see, several years ago South Park did a blistering satire on Kanye West then and after Kanye's recent bought with assitis Comedy Central ran that episode four times the day after the VMA's. Ah yeah, as usual Matt and Trey, the writers creators of South Park were way ahead on their cultural trends. :)

Anyway, all of that made me remember just how hilarious those guys really are. Not only is South Park very funny but the episodes almost always revolve around current events and the glimpse into our culture and their insight into it is often incisive and sometimes brilliant. Yes, there is always some potty humor bandied about in every episode but the deeper plots poking fun at our societal foibles are my favorite part.

So anyway, they recently did an episode ripping how Disney TV is selling sex to children while making it look oh so wholesome and clean. I was trying to find that episode to show my son. I goobered the search for "mickey mouse".

Even their search engine cracks me up even though the joke is at my expense.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Things that make me LOL

I often find things Hilarius that other people don't even think is funny. I know I'm strange and it's OK. However yesterday outside of an AutoZone my strangeness even took me by surprise.

I saw this and started to laugh. And Laugh. And laugh. I was still chuckling when I snapped this...


Then the more I thought about it the more I laughed. You probably will not find it funny at all.

OK, being anal retentive people who can not control their vehicles well enough to park annoy me to no end. Whenever I see a vehicle parked like this I always wonder, was the driver too lazy, too inconsiderate or just a plain old shitty driver to park this badly. Then I figure all three of those traits do go together so I just assume "all the above".

However this one CRACKED me up. The owner buys an overpriced BMW pretentious-mobile then side swipes something putting big ugly marks down the drivers side and still- STILL can not control the vehicle well enough to get it inside of even one of four sides of the parking spot.

Oh man that's funny! (to me). Yeah, I realize no one reading this is laughing but man, when someone THIS mentally impaired is driving a BWM really, you should be laughing. I am not the weird one this time you are! :)

On a less funny in a bizarre way note here is a last "Springfield Weirdness" picture.



The speed limit is 29? How weird is that?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Eh?

What do they call black people in Canada? Are they African-Canadians? Or is North America loose enough a term they can still be African-Americans?

Monday, July 20, 2009

More Springfield Weirdness

No pictures this time so I will just have to paint the pictures verbally...

Weird #1)
I was sitting at a stop light and a car pulled up next to me, it's hood is about even with my passenger door so I can't see the driver. Rap music was a thumping and bumping very loud. (Please, let us not confuse, urban contemp. or hip-hop with Rap, this was RAP.)

Other than being reminded once again that this is the only form of music that I really do not care for I did not pay much attention one way or the other. Then the light turned green and the booming rap car gradually overtook me. The only occupant of the car was a grey haired old man!
Holy shattered stereotypes Batman!

Then I got this mental image of a guy with a boom box lashed to his walker shuffling down the hall of the "rest" home booming out, "So I busted a cap in my bitches ass..."

Weird, very weird.

Weird #2)
I was eating breakfast at a restaurant, I got up to leave. I am walking down a row a tables towards the door. At the table on the end of the row a woman is seated facing me. She has large boobs AND a very deep V cut shirt. Ladies, I do my best not to ogle and drool but c'mon! :)

So I am walking down the aisle towards her glancing at her occasionally as I get closer. Here are the thoughts that ran though my mind on each glance... (Bear in mind this is why they never made the other side of the movie "What Women Want" we already know what men are thinking all the time and we don't need to be reminded of it. :) )

"Oh my- Look at that! Thank you for sharing ma'am!"
"Might be a little much for a Sunday morning but I am not complaining, very nice."
As I get closer I can see a football shaped dark area right above the cleavage crack...
"What is that? Is that a shadow?"
Getting closer..
"The light is not right for a shadow- Maybe it's an odd sunburn?"
Closer still
"Is it a birth mark?"
Closer yet...
OH DEAR LORD IT'S HAIR! IT'S A PATCH OF LONG BLACK HAIR you can see from across the room! The hairs are actually long enough to be matted up! AIIIIEEEEEE!

Ok, I do NOT get this. If you have the kind of boobs you want to show off. (and you don't wear a blouse like this if you are not trying to show off) then my goodness do something about the fur! A shot of Nair? A razor? Black and Decker hedge clippers? Something! At the very least don't wear a blouse that pulls eyes eyes right to the patch of fur.

Yep, very weird.

With all that said though, now I am jealous, she has better chest hair than I do. :(

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Ah Springfield

Just a post of odd things seen around Springfield lately. Well in addition to pajama's at the fast food joint.



I am sure someone thought this was very cute but it merely annoyed me!




Oh my god it finally happened! McDonalds killed one mid meal!

Notice the other guy caught me taking a picture of his buddy! That always happens to me at the topless beach too! I gotta learn to be more sneaky when snapping pics! ;)



Really? Harry Potter has to be around here somewhere looking for his train! I swear this picture is not doctored! I have never seen a half street before.



57? Really? 57? WTH? How did they pull 57 out of their butts? Not 55, not 60 but 57? That is soooo weird!

This is the kind of thing that makes you start to question the universe. Does it really exist? Are we all just figments of some mad god's imagination? How do molecules combine in such a way as to create life? I mean seriously, this the kind of thing that leads philosophy majors to commit suicide! Solipsism. SOLIPSISM!! AHHHHHH!!

Ok, I'm better now. Obviously Freshetta is trying to drive McDonalds out of business. I mean if all the philosophy majors commit suicide who will be left to say, "Would you like fries with that?"?

I suppose it's only right that someone take down those grandpa killing bastards!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Wake Up Call!

I was in a new clients offices and kind finding my way around and man did I get a surprise! I swore I checked the door and it said "Men's Room" but frankly I did not pay that much attention to it. So I go in and round the corner and I come face to face with...



What the heck? A quick scan and I see there are no urinals either (as if I needed more confirmation!) OH CRAP! My first day on the job and I am in the Women's restroom! Of great, tagged a pervert on the first day! I back out quickly looking around to see who might have caught me. No one is in sight so it seems like I am safe! So I am in the hallway outside the restroom ever so casually getting a drink of water, playing it cool ya know? I am looking for the real men's room now and what the heck? The door I just backed out of in a near panic is clearly labeled "Men's Room". Is someone pulling a prank on the new guy? Hanging a men's room sign over the real sign?





Well after talking to a few people it turns out the former occupant of this building was an insurance company. They almost exclusively hired women 'clerks'. The only men were mangers, so there were many women's rooms and few men's rooms. So when this tenant with a male/female ratio more in line with society as a whole moved into the building they were very short on men's rooms and converted several women's rooms into men's room. When I say "converted" I really mean they just taped a "men's room" sign on the door. :) (nice touch using logo watermarked stationary to print the men's room sign on. I mean it is important to know WHO'S mens room it really is, right? )

Ok, so surprisingly enough I have not spent a lot of time in women's rest rooms before. Man those stalls are just full of stuff! You got the BIG TP roll, the used "napkin" box (I assume), the seat cover dispenser, the pipes coming out of the wall...Man it looks like the engineering spaces on a WWII submarine in there! I keep waiting to hear the klaxon go off while someone yells "Dive! Dive! Dive!" over the intercom!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Wont get fooled again!

Oh man they got me! Being a man I really don't pay that much attention to toilet paper. I generally grab whatever and am OK with it. Last time I bought TP though I got this stuff that was real thick and fluffy and just barely fit on the roll it was so big. I liked it. So the next time I bought TP I was looking for the same stuff again, (although I had no idea of the "make and model") so I was looking for the big thick rolls again. Aha found it!

Took it home and yeah, it's so big it barely fits on the roll alright but it is NOT soft and fluffy! This stuff is worse than what hiway rest stops usually provide. It's truly John Wayne TP (it's rough and tough and it won't take shit off of anybody) I mean you can actually see little flakes of bark embedded in it. This is clearly orphanage grade TP.

I'm too cheap to throw it away so I'll just be walking funny for a few weeks. Mmmmm, maybe I can use I use it to polish chrome or buff some scratches out of the car? It's about the right texture.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Speaking of No Pants...



See, as big a redneck as I think I am I am NOT the redneckiest! At least I wear pants in public, ummm and NO, pajama pants do not count! I am sure that is a rule written down somewhere.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Home Alone

Erika is gone on Vacation and the other room mate moved out today. Whelp, we won't be needing these pants for awhile! Ahhhhhhh!

:)

Monday, June 15, 2009

Redneck Roots

In this weeks reader mail Amanda asks, "I am interested to know what makes you call yourself a redneck. Will u tell me?"


Well sure I will tell you! I call myself a redneck because I grew up on a farm 10 miles outside of a town of 480 people. So in many ways I am a very simple man of very simple pleasures from a very simple way of life. From a place where everybody knew everybody (damn it, you *can't* hide anything) and the best place to pick up girls was family reunions. (kidding) :)

Our phone book was about 20 pages total including ads. I remember being a kid and seeing a commercial on TV for a variety show (who remembers those?) where they said, "See the worlds strongest man tear a phone book in half!" I remember being quite confused and thinking, "I am only 10 years old and I can tear a phone book in half. Why would they make a bid deal about that?

In spite of 8 years of higher education, outside of formal settings I still say "aint" quite a bit. In fact, "thatanna" is a word in my personal lexicon, as in "thatanna gonna work!". :)

My mother was not ready to be a mother yet so as a child I spent a lot of time with her parents and her aunts and uncles. So the people I thought of as my aunts and uncles were really my great aunts and uncles. So in many ways I was a generation behind as well being a hick! :) Then to top it off those folks were NOT into the latest and greatest. Case in point, my (great) uncle Frank used horse drawn farm equipment until after World War II. Then he used the hand crank to start his tractor until 1972. "A starter is just one more thing to break" he often told people

I was little but I remember that winter day when he could not get the tractor started. He cranked and cranked that little hand crank and that tractor would not start. It was bitterly cold that morning but I stayed warm just from the endless streak of cussing that burst forth between every bought of cranking. That after noon we went to town and ordered a battery, starter and generator for the tractor.(in a town of 450 people, other than groceries and general supplies you don't just go buy something, you order it)

Can you imagine? Three years after man landed on the moon we still hand started tractors.

Oh, you want to hear "Old School"? The first thing I had to do in the morning when I woke up was to start the fire in the kitchen stove. (that big cast iron stove took time to heat up to cooking temps!) Corn cobs and a little kerosene make good kindling then start feeding in the larger pieces of wood. For regular cooking I only had to stoke the firebox on one end of the stove but if my Aunt(s) were baking then I had to stoke the fireboxes on both end of the stove. The BIGGEST part of being a good baker is fire control!

So where did the fire wood come from you ask? Well, you see they had this long wooden handle with a wedge shaped piece of steel attached to one end. By swinging the steel wedge against a piece of wood enough times you could cut it. No, no! I *am* serious!

Now that the wood is cut to one foot lengths, think you are done? Heh, nope! After you cut it to length then you have to split it. The best firewood for cook stoves is about the same diameter as your wrist. So if you start with a piece of Sycamore one foot in diameter, that is a lot of splitting. I liked splitting better than chopping because with some practice you can split a piece of wood with one blow where as chopping took a while and I am totally into instant gratification!

Now in the summer it did not take long to chop and split enough wood to keep the kitchen stove going. The winter though was a different story. Besides the cook stove there were three other "pot belly" stoves in the house to feed wood to as well. Then I had heaters in three stock tanks as well. You have to keep the stock tanks thawed so the live stock can drink. An adult cow consumes 15 gallons of water per day. You can't have them licking ice! :) So with six fires burning 24 hours and a seventh at mealtimes firewood became a full time job.

No wonder I was such a skinny kid!

It's also no wonder I grew up dreaming of space travel. There is no wood to chop in space!

Is that enough Amanda or shall I go on? :)

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Ouch!

This vision of ruin and destruction brought to you courtesy of my boat.




These were transmission gears. A few large expensive parts were converted into many smaller worthless parts in less than a second! I never thought of a transmission in that way before, a sort of a matter converter if you will. :(

{sniff} Yes, I'm feeling quite pouty.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Ah technology!

I finally broke down and bought a fancy smart phone. As a geek I LOVE smart phones but as a redneck I break a lot of things so I tend to shy away from expensive delicate things.

However, I finally reached the critical tipping point where enough people were annoyed at my lack of texting ability that I finally shouted down my inner redneck and bought a phone capable of texting. Never being one to half-ass it as long as I was going to text it was gonna have a real keyboard, I mean none of this hokey press 7 four times for S crap for ME! :)

See it here if you care

So now I can surf the web and play games and all that stuff too. Plus my inner redneck loves how the phone slides two ways. To top it all off this phone is made at least partially out of this mysterious ancient material called met-all. When I was kid they made everything out of this odd substance, lunch boxes, cars, TVs, furniture, almost everything! Nowadays most of that stuff is made with solidified petroleum byproducts.

I like my met-all phone! It's feels quite manly!

And armed with the latest gee-whiz smart phone technology I don't have to wait until I get home and boot up my 'puter to delete my spam. My spam follows me everywhere I go and even politely chimes to get my attention! Ain't technology cool?

Friday, June 5, 2009

twit-ing?

Why are individual posts on twitter called tweets? Wouldn't the singular of twittering be a twit? How is that a tweet?

We will add this to the long list of human behaviors Rob's does not get.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Oh Dear Lord!

Kill me now, I have now seen everything and can go in peace! I just saw a sign advertising "Pet Massage"! In-home pet massage no less! I mean who can be bothered to take their pet to the pet massage studio? Only in-home will do!

Wow! I would really love to meet the loon that actually pays someone else to massage their pets! I'll bet I could really sell them some stuff. Maybe some credit card bingo where they read their credit card numbers to me then I tell them if they won or not. Then followed up by a game of hangman where their mothers maiden name is the secret word.

In-home pet massage!? What's next, doggie hookers? Oh wait, they already do have 'stud service'! Eeep!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Random Weird Observations

Yesterday I was at Wal-mart and I had a weird moment- there was a young man (early 20’s) who was CLEARLY very fit doing his shopping in one of those little electric scooters Wal-Mart provides for the elderly. Even though it was a WTF moment it really made me feel better about myself. I mean I get lazy and procrastinate on housework or yard work or going to the gym and I feel bad about it but WOW, at least I am not too lazy walk when I buy food!

Another Burger King post- seems like every time I go there it’s a weird moment. I got some breakfast there this morning on the way to work. I ordered milk. The drive through person asked if I wanted white milk or chocolate milk? That struck me as weird. Who does NOT say chocolate milk when they want Chocolate milk? Plus “white” milk struck me as an very odd word choice. I don’t think I have ever heard plain milk called white milk before. I mean do they have yellow milk or blue milk? We really need to nail it down that I, in fact, want the white variety of milk?

White milk. So does the fact I don’t care much for chocolate milk make me a racist?

Oh God! Now I know why I love Fruity Pebbles but don’t care much for Cocoa Pebbles! (or Cocoa Puffs). I guess like the all the celebrities I need to check into rehab to deal with my preference for "white" milk.

Wow. The things we learn about ourselves while visiting Burger King.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

New Gameshow!

It's America's most exciting new game show! "Count the Illegal Aliens!" In this weeks episode we will count the illegals after a potentially life ending major felony! So go ahead and join the fun America!

The one who comes closest to the actual number of illegals without going over wins! Sounds easy right? So click the button and try your luck!



So how many did you get?

Monday, March 9, 2009

Sleeping on the Plane

This last trip home I actually fell asleep on the plane.

This is a big deal because I often don't sleep well and very rarely can I sleep during the day at all and I just never fall asleep on airplanes.

I was taking the old Southwest home reading my Popular Science en route as usual. My eyes were burning while I was reading so I shut them for a minute and BOOM! The next thing I know it's an hour later and the flight attendant is waking me up asking me to put my seat up for landing.

Wow. That has never happened before so it was very weird.

I felt very refreshed for the rest of the day so that was part was very cool but I am not sure I am ready to start sleeping in public on a regular basis. I mean a little drool on your pillow is not too big a deal but unless you are a baby, having drooly chin in front of 150 people is just not very suave.

Friday, March 6, 2009

How Do You Want It?

An interesting thing about men you may or may not have noticed is we don't change our hairstyle very often. I have had my current 'do' about 15 years now. The biggest change then was I moved the part from the center to the side. {gasp}

So with this in mind every time I get a haircut I am still surprised every single time they ask me, "How do you want it?" Then I have to go through the little litany I have learned a little at a time over the years... "Scissor cut, layered, just over the ears, duck tailed"

My inner sarcamist really wants to roll my eyes and say, "Just like it is now but a little shorter - duh!" but my inner analyst knows this is the most certain way to not get what I have now so I go through the little litany.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Adventures in Fast Food Land.

I went to Burger King today. We were all quite confused.

The girl thought I was a moron and the feeling was mutual for awhile there and it was all just simple miscommunication.

I don’t eat there very often so I don’t know the menu. So I see this “Angry Whopper” thing up on the big board and I have seen the commercials on TV so I know it is a hot and spicy burger.

I LOVE hot and spicy!

Being the petite and gentle thing I am though :) I don’t want a big giant whopper burger though so I ask if they have something smaller in the "angry line up". No, the whopper is all they have angry style. The next cashier down however offers that they can make any sandwich I like “angry style” so it’s not a problem. Cool.

So now I am looking at the menu looking for the little double cheeseburger thing everyone has but it’s always some cutsie name to make it different from the full sized double burger. For example Wendy’s calls their little one a “Double Stack” (how I know that is a blog post all it’s own)

So I am scouring the menu looking for their custie name and I am getting frustrated that I cannot find it and wishing I could just order a double cheeseburger and not have to play the “what did marketing decide to call it this year?” game. I finally asked the girl behind the register “What do you call your double cheeseburger?”

She just looked at me. She may have blinked a few times but she said nothing.

What the heck? The way this game is played is I ask a question in English you give me an answer, preferably in English as well. She is not playing right! After an awkward silence I turned to the other counter girl who had already been so helpful and asked her, “What do you call your double cheeseburger here?”

Without missing a beat she answered, “A double cheeseburger.”

Well f’ing duh! Now I am really feeling pretty stupid.

So why in the heck didn’t the first girl just give me the same answer instead of just staring at me when I asked her what they called their double cheeseburger? Did she think it was a trick question? When was the war of 1812? Who is buried in Grant's Tomb? How many survivors did they bury? Where do roosters lay thier eggs? What?

Perhaps she was like the video store girl? She was terrified of enraging the obvious psycho and was trying to select the answer least likely to throw me into a murderous rage and just chose silence? Then again this time I had taken a shower and everything so I did not look like a psycho. (???)

So I ordered the damned sneakily named double cheeseburger. She asked me if I still wanted it “angry”? Oh yes!

After all of that work though to get that little angry double cheeseburger it was a quite a letdown. It really needed some kick. It was not really angry at all.

At best, it was just annoyed. Perhaps a bit testy?

Somewhere right now there is a blog post about the moron who asked what do they call a double cheesburger.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

WTF Moments

Just few pictures from my collection- Things that make you say WTF!?

WTF #1

You have to think this guy is popular with the ladies right?



WTF #2

How come no one else is wearing a Halloween costume?



WTF #3

Isn't amazing how watching a good mom in action just warms your heart?



WTF #4

My only comment here is WTF!?



WTF #5

Do you know why there is a "Doctor" there in the middle of this group? Because he is going to treat their wounds after they get beat up in just a few minutes!




The next few are not really WTF's but they do make me giggle. I Hope you enjoy them too!

Truth in advertising....




Ok, guess what this is? Go ahead guess!




It's a Barbie-q!! Arrr arr arr! ( I crack me up!)

OK, now guess what this is... (click picture to enlarge so you can see it better)



Its a drag race! HA!

And for the closer... assuming this is not photo shopped I just adore the owner who had the cajones to put this up!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Stress Relief

As my long time readers know sometimes my job can get a little stressful. This post is a good example.

So for those occasions when you too are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work well AND it will make you smile. (my favorite combination of things)

Read slowly, and visualize as you go along.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your arms dangling with your hands in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air above you.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under.

Just remember what we call stress actually is; Stress is your civilized mind over riding your bodies perfectly natural need to choke the living crap out of some total jerk who truly deserves it.

That is why this little exercise works so well!

Feeling better yet?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Bad Date Movie!

Yesterday I went to see the movie, “He is just not that into you.”

It was my idea. I saw the trailers and I thought it looked funny so I actually wanted to go see it.

Uhhhh, clearly this is a TOTAL chick flick because this is the most lopsided male-female ratio I have seen in a movie theater audience since I went to see “P.S. I love You” with Erika.

I actually counted- there were three men in the audience including me.

This is not a good date movie. There is quite a bit of tension and awkwardness while male and female dating behaviors are dissected in all their glorious gory details.

Still it was a very funny movie- I laughed quite a bit. Sadly there was one part that just totally sent me into hysterics. I say sadly because apparently no one else thought it was funny. I was the only one laughing (and laughing and laughing). I knew I was alone but I could not stop! Thank goodness for small favors as at least I did not snort! I guess it was a “guy joke” and the other two guys there were smart enough NOT to laugh at the “guy joke” while swimming in a sea of angry estrogen.

Did I mention this is not a good date movie?

Still I laughed AND it was very thought provoking and in my book that is the perfect combination!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Uh oh!

Ok, this one cracked me up!

Since about 99% of my readers are women I hesitate to post this one- however, I just ask that you simply reverse the roles and I think it's just as true and just as funny that way as well. Enjoy! (or at least try to!)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A Modern Parable

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went into the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

Then he announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man then announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again.

Now you have a better understanding of how the Wall Street Bailout Worked! It doesn't get much clearer than this.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

This Just In...

Today the supreme court upheld it's long standing ruling that a fetus unable to support itself outside the womb is in fact legally abortable.

Legally abortable fetus John Johnson (shown below) is very upset by this ruling, "Just what in the hell do they mean I am legally abortable?"



Also in todays headlines, urban neighborhood terrorized by ask murderer! Film at 11.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Canada is not so bad after all, eh?

See, and we all use to make fun of places in Canada, of course being naturally crude my favorite Canada place name is Dildo in Nova Scotia. Since I am a history buff I know that is not actually dirty but it still gets a chuckle from me but then there is HaHa Bay Newfoundland, how could that not be funny!?

Of course, Intercourse Pennsylvania USA is a classic but I think the motherland has them all beat!



Check out the rest of the article for many, many more bizarre British place names right here at The New York Times- "No Snikering"

How can you not love a country like this? No wonder I grew up adoring Monty Python so much!

On an unrelated note, even though my paternal ancestors were from England and my maternal ancestors were from France I am NOT a British-American or even French-American- I'm just a plain old American mutt.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Now that is just F'd up!

Oh dear lord! The month of evil is surely upon us! Signs and portents people! When men shall walk upon the water the end is nigh!

Ice is something you make and put in your drink not a naturally occurring object! Something is very, very wrong here!

Hold me I'm scared!



(as always, click pic to see it full size)

Do you ever have those moments where you look back on on your life and wonder what in the hell went wrong?

I was going to be a famous fighter pilot THEN I was going to fly the space shuttle. (Before NASA screwed it all up that is) What the hell am I doing here living far enough north that people are freaking ICE FISHING basically in my back yard?! What is this- Canada?!

When oh when did my life go so horribly, horribly wrong? {sigh}

Mmmmmmm, power tools!

Ok, this one is a weeeeee bit on the sick side but it cracked me up. See what you think.


That's pretty twisted huh? {rim shot}

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Most Trusted Source on Television!

You will think I made this up since it is soooooo stupid but I swear it is the absolute truth!

I was watching a newscast recently and as they started the broadcast I was thinking this was a cool idea. They said, “Tonight in preparation for the digital changeover we are broadcasting digitally right now. So if you can see us right now you are ready for the digital change over. Call your friends and neighbors and tell them to watch us tonight so they too will know whether they are ready or not.“

Nice move to bump up viewership eh? But they continued, “However, if your screen has bars across it or you cannot see the picture then you are not ready for digital TV yet. If you cannot see our broadcast then call the 1-800 shown below.”

What? If you can’t see the screen then call the number on the screen!? C’mon, seriously, no one in the news room caught this? That is right up there with Les Nessman doing the news bulletin on his station that his station was off the air!

I swear, unlike Les Nessman on WKRP this story really happened though!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Meet The New Boss

Same as the old boss?

In case you don’t follow the US political news the former governor of Illinois, Rod Blagobitch was removed from office last night for gross corruption.

As my regular readers know I have been doing work for the state of Illinois so look what I found in my State of Illinois mailbox this morning… I thought it was worth sharing with you!

State of Illinois
Office of The Governor

Governor Pat Quinn
January 29, 2009


Dear State Employees,

I want to express my sincere thanks and appreciation for your exceptional work during this difficult time. The everyday workers of state government deserve a salute - because you are the true embodiment of public service.

In the coming days, we will face some tough choices. I am confident that by working together we will meet these challenges to emerge a much stronger and vibrant state.

As most of you are aware, it’s annual performance review and raise time here in the state.

For your convenience please note that I have attached an automated campaign contribution form so that your contributions to my campaign for reelection can be direct deposited to my fund from your pay check each month. Since I care so deeply about your welfare that is just one less check you have to write each month. Did I mention it’s annual performance review and raise time here in the state?

I believe our state’s best days are ahead. I welcome your help and support as we work together in behalf of the people of Illinois.


Regards,


Pat Quinn

For the culturally ignorant
Lyrics- "Meet the NewBoss"
The Who, 1971

Meet the new boss

Same as the old boss

And the world looks just the same

And history ain't changed'Cause the banners,
they all flown in the last war

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
No, no!

I'll move myself and my family aside
If we happen to be left half alive
I'll get all my papers and smile at the sky
For I know that the hypnotized never lie
Do ya?
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

There's nothing in the street
Looks any different to me
And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye
And the parting on the left
Is now the parting on the right
And the beards have all grown longer overnight

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around me
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled againNo, no!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Meet the new boss
Same as the old boss

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Perspective

Does your job and or life suck?

Well then use this as perspective!

To add a bit of philosophical twist I have often said I don’t care what the job is I just love to watch a true professional work. In my life I have dabbled in many different things and it always amazes me how much there is to know about any little given thing. Heck, even my little stint with telemarketing after college simply amazed me at what a finely tuned science something as mundane and annoying as telemarketing can be.

So with that little blurb, see how much enjoyment you can derive from watching *this* professional at work.

And remember, as long as you are not doing this for 12 hours a day, your life is not so bad eh? :)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Cows Are Not Cold eh?

For many years I have felt bad for the poor animals stuck outside in the winter!

I mean I was bundled up in 6 layers of clothing and by the time the car warmed up I was shivering. Those poor cows are out in that field with no shelter and no source of heat 24 hours a day! That used to make me feel sorry for them!

Not anymore though! Who knew cow skin was impervious to cold?

Since I do not officially live in Illinois for the past two winters I have steadfastly refused to buy a big heavy coat that I will never wear again when I go back home. Such a waste!

As winter approached this year and after much, uh, encouragement, yeah that’s a good word, from friends I actually went to the store and looked at coats and even tried a few on. I did not find anything I liked in about 20 minutes, then I realized I was violating man-law #16 as I was shopping and not buying and beat a hasty retreat from the store. Man law nothing, 20 minutes in one store looking at stuff was all I could take!

Well, I did find one coat I really, really, REALLY liked but it was clear man-law violation in and of itself! It was a fur lined leather jacket and it was Awesomely warm and oh so comfortable. I tried it on and I was like, “Yeah, this is the Illinois ticket!!” Then I looked in the mirror! Hmmmmm, the fur lining extended out the collars, cuffs and bottom so they were all big and fluffy and as I looked in the mirror I thought, “Hmmmm, this looks awfully feminine! Is this really a man’s coat?” After a double check yeah, it is *supposed* to be a man’s coat. Am I just being too harsh though? Let’s get a second opinion.

A mother and her teen age daughter were in the next aisle so I asked them, does this coat look girly? I saw the hesitation on Mom’s face and I said, it’s OK, that is why I asked! She was like, “Oh yeah! That is way girly!” and daughter is nodding vigorously as well! Crap!

So the one thing I liked shot down in flames so I quit! I mean even nerdy rednecks have to have some standards!

So, guess what I got for Christmas this year from my girlfriend? A really awesome leather coat! Not only does it look really good but it is totally impervious to cold! Air simply does not penetrate that cow hide! It is the warmest thing I have ever owned! It even looks so good that several *men* have overcome their inherant homophobia and told me how good it looks. (Men so very rarely compliment other men on apparel, I mean cool car, cool boat, cool bike, hot girl friend are all very acceptable compliments but to compliment another man’s appearance is pretty rare! )

So I don’t feel bad for cows anymore and nether should you, cold does not penetrate their skin and to top it all off they just taste so damned good! Such lucky animals!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Recent History

I don’t talk about stuff like this too often and I was NOT caught up in all the hoopla surrounding this event, in fact I grew quite tired of it but I thought really, I should take a moment to talk about it. It is a big moment after all.

Recently, an African American man moved from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast yard, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is such an ugly thing in all of its forms and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house even fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry and much anger and most likely even rioting in the streets!

Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem took place when this man took up residency in this house.

So let us all be thankful we live in a country where OJ'S GOING TO PRISON!

(HA! Got ya!)

Friday, January 23, 2009

Gainfully Unemployed (part III)

After the carpets and shrubs I tackled the garage. At this point though motivation was running out big time so I did a half ass job of it and just concentrated on getting the junk out versus full blown cleaning.

Frankly I was tired of cleaning! I was done!

However, I promised to lend someone some books that are out of print and no longer available that I have stashed away. After a lifetime of collecting I have many boxes of books packed away (someday I hope to have a library so they can be all on shelves instead of in boxes in closets!) So I had to dig the books out to keep my promise. Oh was that a mistake because that got me started digging in the master closet. Once I started digging I had to to get rid of the junk I just HAD too!

Oh what a black hole a master closet becomes over time! :( A black hole that pulls everything in the universe into the master closet. As I dug into the closet working my way down to my book boxes layer by layer I could feel time slowing as I got closer and closer to the quantum singularity. (black hole) In fact, as I was working I thought I was getting sick or that something was wrong with my eyes because things kept going in and out of focus as I worked. That is when I realized I was getting dangerously close to the event horizon and light was just bending around my closet making things look blurry! Eeeep!

So I created another pile for the dump including three, yes three, broken VCRs, another three outdoor garbage bags of CRAP and approximately 30 *empty* shoe boxes! {sigh} However I did uncover treasure as well! I found a shoebox full of 20 year old photos that I thought were long lost and some other forgotten keep sakes!

Amongst the treasure I found articles of clothing that nicely illustrate this blogs title! As you check out these items ladies I want to warn you now, prepare to swoon! I can’t be held responsible for the overwhelming sexual urges that may come over you as you gaze upon these photos of 80’s apparel!



Oh yeah, that’s my name over the pocket! I know, I know! Dead sexy huh? But wait until you see the backside!





OOoooOOOOooo- See? I knew you would lose all control but relax, relax! There is enough Rob to go around!

Now contrast my nerdy t-shirts with that icon of blue collar masculinity!





Clever no? Ah yes, Dungeons and Dragons and other Role Playing Games (RPG's)- the last refuge of the nerd on Saturday night!

The next one is my favorite though!



Now the deal with nerd shirts is to be obscure enough to be creative and 'original' but to not be so obscure that no one gets the reference. For example anything referencing "the force" is mainstream and therefore uncool, see? Now the reference on this shirt here may be lost on most of you but amongst geekdom this one is about the perfect amount of obscure! Even though many of you may not get this shirt I feel sure that at *least* two of my regular readers will get it.
I would love to know how many of you can name the movie/book this quote is a parody of. Just how nerdy are my readers?

Anyway, how is that for summing up the contrast of a nerdy redneck?

Back on topic though- All in all I got about half the house whipped into shape. I hope I get enough work in Illinois that I have lots of recuperation time before I have to tackle the other half! I also hope my new maid lives up to his solemn promises.
And no more boring cleaning stories- I promise!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Real Story!

Here's why U.S. Airways Flt 1549 really went down!



Yes, I am aware how politically incorrect this is!

a) I don't really care.
b) It's still funny! (perhaps exactly because it is so un-PC?)

But in the interest of "equal time" won't someone please think of the OTHER families?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Gainfully Unemployed (part II)

One long neglected job was carpet cleaning! This one is a two-fer! Since your carpet actually changes color after it's first shampooing in half a decade it's like getting new carpet! The other part is you don't have to go to the gym, it's a GREAT workout.

As an extra bonus you sleep well afterwards too!

Step one, move all the furniture to "The boy's" former room... A few notes here on furniture moving…

If you all are not familiar with Freecycle it's a great program where basically you list anything that may have *some* value even though you do not want it anymore and before you throw it away you list it and maybe someone else wants it and can use it. Then they come pick it up.

Basically it’s like an internet garage sale where instead of selling the bike for a dollar you just give it away free and you don’t have to put signs up all over then stand in the front yard all weekend. :)

So, I was a Freecycle maniac on my break! I listed over a dozen items that otherwise were going to the dump and people came and picked up all but one item. (Sadly that one item was the one I most wanted to keep out of the dump but say la vie)

So I did not move ALL the furniture! :)

Then this is the point where a little surprise entered the old game plan...

All this massive cleaning and remodeling was based on the concept that this was my house now. No one else to mess it up while I was gone so all of this effort was going to be worth it. This is when I hear those words that will make any father's heart sag, "Dad, would it be OK if I moved back in?"

Ugh! After all this work, NOW he wants to move back in!? Sigh.

Well, I can’t say no so after a LONG hard talk about how this house will REMAIN clean and not revert to the state I found it in we agreed that he would be my maid in exchange for rent. The job started immediately!

Clean those carpets boy-o! lol! Some guys my age have much cuter maids with far less facial hair. I need to work on that.



Oh yeah- those curtains are next are the "gone list". I never liked them and they will not last much longer. (BTW- that was a HUGE fight back in the day- "Maroon valances with off white curtains????? Are they slipping crack into your coffee or what?" he asked ever so lovingly )

I would also point out to all my northern friends that this picture was taken in January and if you will look past the "so-ugly-they-should-be-crimes-against-humanity" curtains you will notice the windows are open and we were in shorts and barefooted! It was in the 80's that day.

After the carpets were done I tackled all the shrubbery. Due to neglect on my part many of the shrubs were so overgrown I actually broke out the chain saw and trimmed them way back so they can grow out properly again. They look really horrible now but when they grow back out it will be worth it.

Even after all my fevered freelisting I ended up taking two truckloads of crap to the dump! I do mean CRAP. The majority of this stuff should have gone into the trash can a little at a time over the last decade but I was dealing with a horder/pack rack rat type personality.

I swear I could feel the foundation of the house quiver a bit as the loading was removed and it reached a new equilibrium!

And yeah, if you can take the excitement there will be a part III! :(

Gainfully Unemployed (part 1)

Welp, I was "between contracts" from Christmas until Jan 20th.

So for an odd change of pace I was actually living in my own house in the Dallas area for a few weeks! :) I have not been in my house in Dallas this many days in a row since July of 07.

I thought I would get a lot of blogging in while I was home and unemployed but it did not turn out that way.

I have been working in Illinois for 2 1/2 years now. My adult son has lived in the house off and on during that two years mostly unsupervised. He has not lived there for the last 6 months and I figured he was gone for good this time so I thought it was time to get serious and and whip the house into shape during my "vacation"!

The first thing I tackled that has annoyed me for a long time is my crappy old sink.




So off I go to Lowes and after much browsing of the 250 sinks and 4,821 faucets they have on display this is what I went with. 10 1/2 inches deep, commercial grade 18 gauge stainless steel with all commercial fittings. This sink, Twinkies and cockroaches are all that will survive the holocaust!



Waaaaaaaay better eh? :)

The next step was a new dishwasher. I did not start that way. I tried to fix the old one then I actually went and paid $71 for an appliance repairman to come to the house and tell me to just get a new one- I would be way better off!

So off I go to Lowes again! Oh the salesperson was gooooooood!

You see- I am a Wal-Mart man. I always buy cheap and then often regret it. This sharp sales lady saw a single man looking at the cheap dishwashers then gracefully steered me right over to the expensive ones- My shields immediately went up when I saw what price neighborhood we were in on that row but she started showing me all the cool GADGETS on this miracle of modern engineering and she hooked me! Then she just reeled me in! I realize this is a terribly unmanly thing to say but my new dishwasher is just totally cool! Yeah, she was that good!



It has triple filtration with easily removable and cleanable filter elements, three, count them, three spray arms, there is a digital readout on the rinse agent level (no more guessing!), all the racks are adjustable and/or removable so you can fold everything flat and have one BIG rack or... Oh, I will just stop now and just emphasize again how cool and manly my stainless STEEL (inside and out!) dishwasher is and leave it at that! (and just in case you did not know, STEEL always rates very high on the manly scale!)

Now to top it all off I also bought a new stove. I will NOT show you the before picture this time! That one is just way to embarrassing even for a single man but here is the new one...



So back to Lowes and the same sales lady and she already knew what worked on me! :) Sealed cook top with 5 variable sized burners and even though they are electric the heat is nearly instantaneous. The oven has a recirculation fan so this is either a convection or fast cook oven. The oven also has multiple temperature sensors so the top heating element and the bottom heating element work independently to maintain a constant temperature through out the oven!

Oh, and yes, it has a lot of stainless STEEL! Weeeeee!

It was funny, the day after my three major purchases in less than a week I walked in the door of Lowes just to get some new light bulbs and the manager is at my side going, "How are you doing today Mr. Johnson? What can we help you with today sir? Light bulbs? Let me help you with that Mr. Johnson!"

Funny how much attention you can get during an economic downturn when you have a credit card and you are not afraid to use it!

On that note, how many people are crazy enough to remodel their kitchen while they are unemployed? At least one! :(

Oh, that microwave over the stove is not new but I spent several hours working on that one! There is an inner metal door to stop the radiation but the outer door panel is plastic. Being over the stove it was awfully grease encrusted and the plastic outer door was broken in several places and hanging crooked- the broken door looked really horrible. I spent a day rebuilding the outer door and well over an hour with three different "grease cutting" cleaners before I finally got it to my definition of clean. Looks pretty good in this picture here after all that work huh?!

After all these pictures were taken I attacked all the back washes with a big nylon brush and Comet soft scrub (I came to really love Comet Soft Scrub (with lemon!) durign my cleaning adventures!) Then I ended up stripping and replacing all that old cracked silicone caulking. Then I scrubbed and pine oiled all the cabinets.

The last kitchen task was to empty out the fridge, tilt it over and to clean all the gunk out from the machinery under it so it would run better and last longer then of course, I scrubbed the living crap out of it inside and out too!

For the week and a half I was at home after I got the kitchen done every morning was a joy! I would sit at the kitchen table, eat breakfast and drink coffee while my kitchen just sparkled and gleamed. Ahhhhhhh, you can't get that kind of satisfaction at a keyboard!

That is enough for now- more on this exciting topic later! ;)