Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I dreamed a joke...

I thought that was really weird to dream a joke. It's not a politically correct joke but God forbid I start having politically correct dreams!

It was actually a two part joke and the second part built on the first and that made it really funny (at least in my dream) but I can not remember the second part! However, the first part stands on its own pretty well I think. Of course I am biased. :)

Ok enough lead in. The first part was...

Remember, Mojito Joe says "Mojito's are not gay! Unless of course you are."

Ok, well at 3 a.m. I thought it was pretty funny. Besides, where the hell did that come from? I don't drink Mojito's so what the heck, why am I dreaming about an imaginary Mojito's spokesman?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Uh Hiatus, yeah that's the ticket.

I am getting the boat out of storage tonight so the summer fun begins!

Plus, I guess I lost my edge. Hardly anyone is reading or commenting anymore so this blog has now become just a socially acceptable way of talking to myself. I never gave a shit about what was socially acceptable so I will just go back to talking to myself the old school way. It's far less work. :)

I'll see if I can work up some more funny by fall.

Have a great summer y'all.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Urban Blight - A Nerdy Redneck special report.

Teddy Bear Junction, Illinois, USA.

Teddy Bear Junction used to be the kind of place where Teddy Bears would have picnics, play hide and seek, Simon Says and freeze tag with maybe a little stick ball thrown in now and then.

It was a happy idyllic place where human children were welcomed with love to join in the Teddy Bear games!

Sadly though the teddy bears got a little too easy going with the pixie dust and the decline started. Eventually the younger teddy bears turned to gangs and between the street gangs and the drug lords the dream that once was Teddy Bear Junction is now a horrid nightmare.

Teddy bears and human children once had a special bond of love and trust. Now the horrible existence of life in Teddy Bear Junction has made the teddy bears mean and hateful of the humans they once loved and who loved them in return. The teddy bears refer to that one-time love as their "slave period".

From the current teddy bear perspective, they were forced to sleep with humans against their will and as if that were not bad enough the humans would also strangle and crush poor teddy slaves in their sleep! Oh the teddy bear carnarge was at times mind boggling.

Now things have gotten so bad in Teddy Bear Junction, the criminals are now so firmly in charge, that they brazenly hang dead bodies on telephone poles to mark their turf as a warning to any who would dare challenge their brutal rule.

If their fellow teddy bears are not safe, humans, now seen as enslavers and wanton bear abusers, had best not cross this "line of death". In fact, this reporter, even though he was ingeniously disguised (see below) was chased several miles after snapping this picture and nearly did not escape with the picture or his life.

I found out the hard way that even in disguise the teddy bear warlords can spot a human by their smell.

So take my warning seriously people, Teddy Bear Junction has become a hive of scum and murder. Stay away and for God's sake keep your children away!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Time for a new catagory...

For years I have enjoyed the "you might be a redneck if" jokes. In fact one of my favorites is "If your wife has ever asked you to move the transmission you are rebuilding so she could take a bath...

However since I am only only half redneck (on my fathers side) somehow I always have felt they were incomplete. What about my maternal nerd side?

So, I think it's time for some Nerdy Redneck jokes.

You might be a "Nerdy Redneck" if:
1. You use a GPS to find your tree stand!
2. You decided where to place your tree stand based on the 3G coverage map.
3. Your hound dogs are named "Vector" and "Render"!
4. Your shotgun shells are stored next to your blank Cd's!
5. You keep your firearms inventory list in a MySQL database.
6. You have used Google Earth to look at your hunting shack.
7. Your 4x4 is "Blue-Tooth" enabled.
8. You have spooked a deer by texting your hunting buddy.
9. You have a satellite down link on your bass boat.
10. You refer to your "quad core" PC with 4 gigs of Ram as your "4x4".
11. You have ever uploaded a photo from your mobile device to "Yahoo Answers" trying to figger out what you jess kilt.

Ok thats a start... since I have the funniest readers in the known universe (when they bother to comment anyway :)) PLEASE, play along! What can you add to the list? :)

(Oh where is Taj when I feel the need to be mocked (with love of course ))

Friday, April 16, 2010

"I wept for I had no shoes"

The next time you feel that nobody loves you, no one cares, or that no one ever notices you...

Think of this guy:

(as always, click image to enlarge)

There now, feel better? This might even be better therapy that the Twilight bumper sticker-mobile! :)

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Wishy-washy Nerdyredneck!

Ok, I used to think that texting was a remarkably stupid way to communicate. For many years I refused to participate in it. My phone up until last summer was not even capable of it.

Then as I started dating again I discovered that the majority of women LOVED texting and several of them had texted me and were quite perturbed when I did not answer texts.

In one case I was stood up on a date. A week later she asked why I never call her anymore. I was shocked, "You stood me up last Friday, why would I call you again?"
"Stood you up? I texted you several times during the day letting you know I might have to work late to give you early warning THEN about 2 hours before our date I confirmed I could not get out of work in time!"


Even a long time friend of mine I had repeatedly reminded I did not text kept forgetting that and wondered why I did not answer her.

OK, so I finally broke down and bought a phone capable of texting and reluctantly joined the wacky world. See the post here where I even announced to you all I had finally broke down...

Then something strange happned, as I started receiving and of course now answering texts I actually started to like it.

Ok, track change. For years I read a Doonsbury like Comic strip called the Boondocks. I love biting social satire and man does "the Boondocks" deliver it! Then they made a TV series out of it. So last night I am watching "The Boondocks" on the web.

Now let’s merge the tracks....

So PLEASE watch the first two minutes of this episode of the Boondocks with my texting history in mind!

I nearly hurt myself I was laughing so hard! Now Erika did not find it too funny so maybe you wont either but still, I HAD to share this it with you all.

WARNING! NSFW and not appropriate for little ones!

While "standard" profanity is bleeped there IS extensive use of the N word.

Now as we all know, the rules of political correctness dictate that only black people may use the N word so I tell you now the writer/creater of the show is black AND if you will notice, the driver of the van is the great Samual L. Jackson who has been in several episodes of the show.

So relax, the rules clearly state they may use this word and therefore you need not get uptight about it. (Hey I did not make the rules!)

If you enjoyed that 2 minutes at all then by all means go back and watch the first episode which hooked me on the series to begin with and will introduce you to the characters.

Oh, btw this all got me to thinking, I NEVER get texts from men! Hmmmmm. So I guess the passenger had a point? “bitches be loving texting.” Lol!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I feel better

It is sad but true but a basic part of our human nature is that by looking down on others, sneering at them, giggling at their perceived stupidity can make you feel better about yourself. :(

Now look at this pic... Not one but two, count 'em TWO "Twilight" stickers!

Suddenly I feel so much better about myself!

(if you can't make it out, click picture to enlarge it)

Monday, April 12, 2010

Sooo funny!

I received this in an e-mail this morning.

I always assume we all get gajillions of the "motivational posters" e-mails so I have not posted any in a long, long time. (even though I always enjoy the e-mails!)

This one though had me laughing so hard though I just had to share it.

As usual I don't know if this is really funny or if its just my perverse, childish sense of humor but it is just such a deep insight into the male psyche that it totally cracks me up!

Humor without embedded truth is rarely funny. This is a profound truth so it's profoundly funny!

(As always click photo to enlarge. Go ahead and click it so that you can enjoy the true glory of it all! :) )

I am glad to give credit to the person who sent this to me but I also figure if that person wanted it posted under their name they would have just put it on their blog.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Baaaaad Marketing.

There are at least 4 of these guys around Springfield...

(sorry for the crappy pic)

Ya know, to me the Statue of Liberty is just absolutely the wrong icon to associate with your income tax. In fact, it does angry up my blood just a bit :) Lets see, the government confiscating your money before you even touch it and "Liberty". Nope, that strikes me as pretty oxymoronic association!

Now if these guys wanted to do this right they would have the Statue of Liberty whaling away on a guy in a three piece suit with a foam rubber baseball bat and the sign should say, "Let us help you beat back the tax man!"

Now THAT would work!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

This worked?

I can not believe that prohibition passed with this kind of marketing!

Besides, how would these ladies ever get kissed without the kisser being a bit impaired?

All I can say to these ladies is "OK, no problemo; Bartender set me up!"

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The History of April 1st

Most of you know what a history buff I am so I thought I would give you a quick rundown on how April Fools day came to be...

April 1st is Named “Fool's Day" after Steve April.

Steve April was born on April 1st 1579. In his lifetime he started 105 businesses. They all failed. In the process he lost all his father's assets. So everyone started calling him the “Father of all Fools.”

At the age of 19 he married a 61 year old woman! Even she ended up divorcing him because he was such a perpetual looser.

Since his last name was April and his birthday was April 1st his friends started joking around calling April 1st Steve’s day then eventually as everyone realized what a fool Steve really was it mutated into Fools Day.

Of course poor Steve in his foolishness had to listen to all kinds of stupid fake stories from his friends, much like you just did. :)

Happy April Fools Everyone.