Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Holiday Nutrition Advice

The following holiday eating tips are provided as a public service from Nerdyredneck Inc.:

For maximum holiday joy please be sure to follow label directions carefully!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately as you are clearly dealing with an amauter! Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. Besides- the nog crop failed this year so eggnog is in very short supply. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-oholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whipping cream. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hell-lOOoo?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like say, frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean seriously, have some standards!

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "To enjoy the full flavor of life one must take big bites. Moderation is for monks." - Robert Heinlein

Merry Christmas everyone!


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas hi-jinks

This post was inspired by the awesome video on Robin’s page: Abfab Geek

After I was already working on this post I got a related video in the old e-mail...

OK, to the story - two things about me, I am stubborn as can be and I am playful and love practical jokes.

So my two traits combined one Christmas...

One time way back when the cable company TOTALLY pissed me off. I VOWED I would never have cable again. Folks, I take these kinds of VOWS pretty seriously! :) In Dallas it’s not too hard to avoid cable as there are about 15 on air channels available. As long as Star Trek was on I was happy.

So about 10 years ago as my income was coming up and things are getting good for us financially I asked the wife what would she like for Christmas. She got a very serious look on her face- then looked me dead in the eye and she says in a dead pan voice, “I only want one thing and I want it really badly- I want cable TV again.”
Oh no! “But honey you know I swore an oath of vengeance against them! NEVER!, Vendetta baby vendetta!. C’mon, what else would you like?”
“Cable TV”
“Oh darling you are killing me! Surely there is SOMETHING anything you would like more- How about a diamond?”
“End this, this Sicilian thing and get me cable!”

Oh I was so deeply conflicted. My wife wanted cable and she deserved cable so I should get her cable. Yet getting her cable would violate my sacred and inner principles- To ever write a check to cable for TV again would cleave my spirit in twain! Such a choice, it really came down to my wife’s happiness or my happiness. So I was going to get her cable but I was miserable about it.

Then inspiration from, one can only assume, God struck in the form of a television commercial! Mini-dish satellite! Dish Network! Now 10 years ago this was still pretty new technology and pretty pricey but I knew what the wife really wanted was the programming and did not care about the delivery method and if I got Dish Network my sacred vows would remain intact! Oh yes, nerdy redneck problem solving at its best!

In fact the mini-satellite is WAY better than cable for TV- 4 or 5 times as many channels for less money plus I was full digital TV 10 years ago via mini-dish! So I bought a Dish and a couple of receivers.

Here is where the hi-jinks comes in though. I did not want her to know she had gotten it. So I bought a floor waxer and a new iron for her, wrapped them and put them under the tree a week in advance so she could wonder what they were.

I was building a plane out in the garage back then so blending in the satellite equipment with all the plane pieces was a no brainer and my secret was safe. So at like 3:00 AM Christmas morning I went out to the garage and got the satellite dish and hid it behind the Christmas tree!

So next morning we are opening presents. She gets the iron open and I can see the disappointment on her face but she quickly recovers and says, “Ohhh, how did you know I needed a new iron?”
“Oh darling, I am so in touch with your needs I could tell you were unhappy with the old iron.” Oh I was so proud of that line! :)
“Hmmmmm, well that’s sweet.”, she said through only mildly clenched lips- but the BIG box still awaited her so she was not too pouty yet - what could be in such a large box!?
When she saw the floor waxer I saw the flash of anger but I was very proud at what a good job she did pretending she REALLY liked it. Now her lips were only loosely clenched but you had to be WAY more out of touch with people than I am to not feel the vibes she was radiating. She was NOT a happy women.

Man I was working so hard to not smile or let on and just kept playing the oblivious male role until she finally said, “Well, I guess we better clean this mess up.”
“Well, we don’t have all the presents opened yet, we should clean up after all the presents are open.”
“What? There are no more?”
“Are you sure? You better look under the tree better!
She knew me well enough that at that point she know there was something good coming! So she gets on hands and knees and starts really looking- when she spots the dish through the foliage she made a happy squeal!

Have you ever seen a woman dance around the front room with a satellite dish before? I have!

So I think in the end she was glad she did not hit me with the iron or the floor waxer after all!

Note to men, an iron was poor choice as a gag gift because had she hit me with it it could have been serious. I would recommend a feather duster as a better gag gift (We really did need a new iron though)

Monday, December 22, 2008

Save a Tree?

We have recently became aware of a disturbing new chic trend. Like many chic-ish trends it makes no sense and we would like to take a moment to explain why.

We have recently became aware that lazy inconsiderate people who do not care about the others in their life’s are using the lame excuse that they are “saving trees” for not sending cards to the people who love them so deeply.

We think it is very important for all of you to understand that the only tree's used to make Christmas Cards were clinically depressed and committed suicide first! We only tried valiantly to put their sad and lonely cadavers to a happy use by making cards out of them.

Why were they depressed and commit suicide in the first place you may wonder? Well, because they did not receive any cards from selfish eco-chic loved ones so they felt totally unloved and alone in a vast uncaring world at the most lonely time of the year!

So just think about that for a few minutes- Just how many more tress must die of depression in solitude before you start sending cards again and letting your loved ones know you did actually think of them for the 14 measly seconds it took for you to send them a card? How much tree blood and bitter loneliness will your idle hands bring into this world before you stop this selfish hateful insanity!?

As long as cards are on the shelves you will know trees are still depressed and dyeing! So buy some cards now you damned selfish hateful tree killer!


(sorry Michelle, I took my comment made my own post out of it- Yeah I’m lazy- what’s your point?)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

More winter fun..

Because with a temp here in balmy Central Illinois of 1 degree F (-17 C) combined with 30 mph winds (48 kph) it is either laugh or scream and since my throat is already so raw from screaming I say let's try laughing for just a bit!

Can you believe that video? She is not wearing any gloves? Freak!

This one takes a little longer to set up (41 seconds) but I like! Enjoy!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Friday, December 19, 2008

Ahhhhh Karma!

Yesterday the weather forecast here in Springburg, Illinois was full of the news of the impending ice storm. They were forecasting a ¼ inch of freezing rain.

I was concerned about it. I mean it does not change anything but it can be a HUGE pain in the ass plus the odds of breaking your car skyrocket not to mention power outages and such. So it was big news around the office yesterday

So a couple of co-workers were setting in my brilliantly decorated office yesterday talking about the impending doom but one of them, Jay, was all bravado, “Oh I can see how some freezing rain would worry a Texan but for people who live in Illinois this is old hat.“
I replied, “ You can pull that off when talking about snow but ice? Ice is a nearly frictionless surface, I don’t care how long you have driven on it or how good your technique is or what kind of vehicle you drive ice will get you. Ice is the great equalizer!”
Naw, you Texans are just winter wimps! I can drive on a sheet of ice all day long!”

Welllllllll, guess who slid into another employee’s car in the parking lot right in front of the building in full view of everyone?

Oh man my irony meter pegged out!

I parked my car this morning and came into work. Later when I went outside to help Mr. Illinoisians-can-drive-on-ice I noticed that my car while parked with no one in it had slid down the incline and was resting against another car. Seriously slick stuff here!

Thursday, December 18, 2008


He finally did it! Yay! Run little guy run! Be Free!

Friday, December 12, 2008


Did you see this in the news?

Recently a class of young children were asked to draw Mommy working.

The teacher was quite alarmed at the following art work.

For some reason the teacher was quite concerned about what the daughter was learning from mommy so the teacher called the Mommy in and confronted her!

Turns out Mom had earned her daughters adoration for helping so many people out by selling snow shovels at the Home Depot after the the first big snow storm of the year!

Why? What were YOU thinking? Shame on you for being so dirty minded!

PS- No, it was not really a news story! Tip 'o the hat once again to Major Tom for the post inspiration!


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Phoning it in!

Yeah, I have to be in class all day today so no time for original work so yeah, I am phoning it in! :)

There have been a LOT of “motivational posters” going around the last few weeks. It’s quite the fad.

Let me throw a couple of my favorites out here in case you have not seen them!

Did I mention I was phoning this in? :)

This first one may be too esoteric for the masses but as a gamer it REALLY hits home…

No one else may find this one funny either but since these guys are/were the natural enemy of nerds everywhere this one rolls me every time I look at it! :)

Oh and this one is soooooooo wrong on so many levels! You will laugh but you may not like yourself for it! :)

Now I don’t care who you are, THIS one is just plain funny unless of course you are an angry dog!

(Clearly photo shopped but that in no way diminishes it's comedic value!)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Brick Lady

This post started as a comment to this post

Does everyone know what doorbell ditching is?

It's when you ring the doorbell and RUN!

When we were from about 10 up to maybe 13 years old this was me and my best friend Mike's favorite form of free entertainment.

Of course we also considered it a form of social justice. We did not do it to anyone nice, just the perpetually angry people who were always yelling at you to get off their lawn or get out of that tree or turn down that damn hippie music or what not. (so Minxy just what have you been doing to those kids? ;) )

So there was one grumpy old one lady we *loved* to ditch. She was right on our normal route so we would get her darned near daily!

Oh boy did she teach us a lesson though! The conniving old bat was pretty sharp too!

She let her grass grow a little long. Not so long as you would risk neighbors complaining but well over ankle tall. Then she scattered clay bricks through out her front yard. In the dark the tallish grass concealed them nicely.

So ring the door bell and start running! About three strides in you stub your toes on a brick and you go down wondering "What the hell did I hit?" You know you need to be gone though and now you are behind the curve so you get up and run even faster with throbbing toes, go about six strides and step half on a brick half off and down you go again! Again you are quite confused, you have ran over this smooth lawn many times- "what am I hitting?" you wonder but you are panicked because you know you should be long gone by now not laying in her yard! So you get up, run a little more then down you go again.

By then she was on her front porch howling with laughter while choking out, "That'll teach you little bastards! AH HA HA HA HA!"

Grudging respect was earned. To this very day we still refer to her as "The Brick Lady" and we never ditched her again!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Have you heard?

Have you seen or heard these commercials for the drug Boniva? (Bone-ee-va) It's a drug for osteoporosis. Sally Field has been pitching on TV and Radio lately.

Those ads crack me up!

So, what did the brainstorming session sound like…
"Uh lets see this is for your bones so…"
"Too simple"
"Sounds like steroids"
"Uhhhh, Bone-r-ific"
"Too sexual"
"Perfect! Print the invoice! 300 hours of market research. Lets go home."

Remember- Bone-iva, its for your Bone-itis!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Waitress Tales.

Two odd restaurant related stories from this last week.

Yesterday I was in a Cracker Barrel. When I get tea or coffee I use Sweet and Low sweetener which comes in the pink packets. So when the waitress dropped off my UNsweetened tea I asked her, "Do you have any pink stuff?" (McDonald's does not!)

Her face clouded up and oh her glare could have burned a hole through a log! She was deeply offended and angry. I could tell something went wrong but being the oblivious geek it took me about a four count to replay the conversation, apply alternate meanings and figure it out.

Usually in a situation like this I would get flustered and apologetic and look even more guilty but for some reason this time I did not- I was just rolling my eyes when I added, "For the tea!" and brutally suppressed the urge to add, "dumbass!"

Latter though I laughed about it.

I mean seriously- how can you work in food service and NOT know what "the pink stuff" means in the context of coffee or tea?

I was in a place called "Westwood's" which is a "sportsman" like place. You know, hunting themed with lots of stuffed animals and such. Yet they have some really creative menu items- it's a very popular place to eat in Springfield.

It's deer season here too (I guess) as I was in there weekend before last and was sitting close to a large group of men who apparently just got back into town from a hunting trip and were getting moderately ripped. There is a cute blond waiting on them and they are flirty with her but in a good natured way until one of them says in a too loud voice (if you know what I mean), "So hey there sweetie, do the curtains match the carpet?"

Now I do like to flirt a little but I cringed when I heard that because in my opinion that one crosses the line. Without missing a beat though the waitress replies, "Nope... hardwood floors." and kept on gathering dishes.

I almost shot beer out my nose! It shut them right up too!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Please excuse the interruption...

There has been a death in the family. Fortunately I have been way to busy getting ready to go to the funeral to dwell much on what a loss it is.

It' my mother in law. (BTW- Is it still an in law when you have been separated for two years and 4 days? )

She was a wonderful woman. Most men have many horrible MIL stories but she was a wonderful supporting loving lady from the second time I ever met her. (the first time we met is a different story and not a bad post idea :) )

When the ex and I were divvying things up I told her I get to keep her family. Her family told her they get to keep me.

I will miss her. Ok enough of that.

On a lighter note - Wow, it's been a while since I bought plane tickets less than 24 hours from departure time- No need for a prostate exam this year! I am sure the airline would have let me know if they bumped into anything on the way in.

Don't forget to tell someone special that you love them. You just never know if it's going to be your last chance or not.