Friday, December 31, 2010

Love it!

Seen in Springfield (south west) Missouri! I just HAD to stop and take a picture to share with you all! :)

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

My son, my son

Two quickies about my boy...

Just a week or two ago I told you all he did not seem to inherit any nerdiness from me. I might have to rethink that.

So last Sunday I was working on my truck, flush and fill the coolant, change the oil , etc., getting her ready for the trip back to north of the the arctic circle (aka the Mason-Dixon line) . As previously noted my truck is pretty tall. I stand 5'11 and its still hard for me to reach inside the engine compartment as the fenders nestle nicely into my armpits. :)

So I am standing on an old chair to work. My son takes a look, walks to the garage wall grabs the step ladder and says "Here, try this Pop".

Who's son is THIS? I mean just how UN-Texan can you get?

On the other hand, the ladder clearly works better, its easier to get up and down from and even has a handly shelf for my tools and everything! The step ladder far far was more efficient! (and therefore nerdy) Hmmmm. Maybe a few nerd genes did slip into the old baby batter after all?


Last summer he picked me up from the airport in his Ford truck.  

He pulled up to me in arrivals and he had a cute little dog in his lap. I just stood at the curb with slight vertigo while my world view rebooted.

"What's wrong Dad?"
"Son, you did not have to lie. I would love you no matter what."
"What are you talking about?"
"You did not have to hang posters of Tyra Banks and Jessica Simpson in your room all those years."
"What are you talking about?"
"You could have just told me you were gay. You did not have to hide it, oh from your friends on the football team sure but not from me!"
"What THE HELL are you talking about Dad?"
"You have a little lap dog in your truck dude! That is profoundly gay son."
"No it's not! Lots of Texas men have dogs in their trucks!"
"In their trucks YES, in their laps, NO!"

We both had a decent laugh then I got in the truck.

Then I found out "lap dog" is not a voluntary act. In two minutes I had a lap dog like it or not. (damn thing was so cute too!)

So my brilliant son says in a dead pan, "So that whole marriage thing with Mom was just a cover up, huh Dad?"

That boy is sharp...I am soooo proud.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Back in Tundra Town

Well I made the 12 hour drive back to Illinois yesterday.

As I listened to the radio all day I learned a couple of things. As I heard about the thousands upon thousands of flights canceled and the havoc wreaked on the air transport system I sure am glad I drove!

I also learned I have a medical problem! (but it IS treatable!) An ad came on and started listing symptoms. It asked do you suffer from A or B? Well no A but a big yes to B! So now I am intrigued
Yes to C  - hmmmm
Yes to D as well! Wow!
Yes to E too! Oh no!

Oh man, they really have my attention now!

Apparently I have Menopause!

Thank God it IS treatable according to the man with the smooth voice on the radio!

Ahhhhh, Guilt

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas Everyone

I hope everyone is having as good a Christmas as I am.

We are going VERY nontraditional this year year...

Last night we BBQ'd Fajitas 's with all the fixins Then watched "The Great Escape" (8.3/10 on Imdb). My son has NEVER seen it. In fact, he had never seen a Steve McQueen movie! (yes, I am a failure as a father) so I DVR'd it during the day when he was at work and we watched after dinner. He LOVED it (as I knew he would).

So, this was a baptismal of sorts as he was metaphorically dipped in the pool of testosterone that oozes from any Steve McQueen flick.  Not to mention the flow from James Garner, Charles Bronson , James Coburn and a mellower but still very manly flow from a young Sir Richard Attenborough. The combination makes quite the brew.

You could make candles from all that testosterone! (hey, there is a marketing idea!)

Today we are going to be a little more traditional, well except we are having BBQ'd ribs, our movie fare will be more normal. I LOVE the movie "A Christmas Carol". It is DVR'ing now and we will watch it in a bit. Once again I will be lifted by the very mean old man's transformation to just almost crazy with joy and love and giving on Christmas morn. (each act of unkindness forges a link in the chain you must bear in the afterlife. Your chain is truly ponderous Ebeneezer Scrooge) Yes, it's sappy and formulaic and I know how it will end and I still love it. Love, love, love it. It makes me happy every time I watch it - which is every single Christmas Day

I love what Christmas means, condensed down to its purest form it means love and happiness! Those are universal, so to all the folks out there all around the world reading this (according to my hit map), regardless of your religion or no religion at all please understand that when someone wishes you a merry Christmas they are wishing you love and happiness.

So Merry Christmas Everyone!!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Be careful out there...

Please, take care of yourself this Christmas.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes that just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and sissy crap like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol; They cause three times as many accidents.

I blog because I care damn it!

Friday, December 17, 2010

My Redneck Award - #1

As posting fodder I thought I would create a SNERDs (SuperNerds) award and give it out now and then. Since this site is dedicated to the duality that is my nerdy/redneck personality I think it only fitting that I give out Redneck awards as well.

Sooo, the first coveted Nerdyredneck Redneck Award (the Reddy?) goes to the the City of Minneapolis!

Who says rednecks are a southern thing? Minneapolis really embodies the spirit of bubble gum, bailing wire and duct tape of the true Redneck.

Just to lay a foundation of hard core redneckdom, in 2007 you had a major bridge spanning over a major river just collapse in perfectly good weather Don't take my word for it, see it HERE. See, no hurricane, no flood, no earthquake. Not even a plain old rain storm. Nope it just fell down alllll by itself!

A metaphorical bridge in Minneapolis.
See, everyone knows that if you don't paint steel, you know, every decade or so, it will turn to rust. So, did you guys paint your bridge? Nope, in true redneck fashion you just ignored it and let it rot away just like an old Chevy rotting away in the overgrown yard.

Now that is pretty good rednecking; I mean that is almost as rednecky as leaving your boat in the water until freaking December but the real redneck magic is the Metrodome roof collapse See it HERE! I love this! (If you have not seen the roof collapse be sure to click the link so you will understand the rest of this post.)

Ok, here in the civilized world we have these incredible building materials called steel and concrete that are just AWESOME for making large very strong buildings. You know, its really the cool 'in' thing to use here in the civilized world! Ever since the Eiffel Tower a mere 1.21 centuries ago (and the last noteworthy thing the French ever did) every large structure built on this planet has used this weird substance known as met-tul (at least the ones that don't fall down)

So did you guys use the strongest building materials on earth to build a very large stadium?

Oh gosh no, Billy Joe Bob Bubba-Lee, you built your roof out of freaking pool floaties!

Redneck building supplies. Say, where is the duct tape?
 Now, could say Los Angeles, or Phoenix pull off a stadium roof made of pool floaties? Probably. They don't have hurricanes. And you know it's not like it might snow a lot in Minneapolis or even possibly snow-  It WILL snow, in fact on the average of only 3.7 freaking feet (over a meter) of snow per winter!! Hellooooo, reality calling!

But hey, after the bridge collapse it is really hard to blame you, I mean you never have to paint a floatie to keep it from rusting! Right?

So congratulations City of Minneapolis. You have really shown future contenders of the coveted Reddy how it's done!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Psycho on the train

I used to work in downtown Dallas. I used to ride the light rail/subway. Many Texas men would give me shit about it, "Real men don't give up their freedom to ride public transportation!" they would say. Well Cowboy, being stuck in bumper to bumper traffic for an hour and half to go 20 miles aint my idea of freedom.

Some people call this freedom! lol
So, one day after work as I got on the train I met eyes with a rather attractive young woman about 5 rows in front of me. I smiled, she smiled back. She immediately got up and moved to the seat right in front of me,  turned around, smiled again and said "Hi!" in the just the friendliest way.  

Suffering under no illusions I knew this was not an uncontrollable sexual attraction to me on her part so I figured she was gonna hit me up for money. I was wrong.  The poor thing was, unhhhh, disturbed. Living in a fantasy world.

My two whole semesters of Psych and 30 seconds of analysis led me to the in-depth diagnosis of "Batshit crazy".

I soon discovered that everyone else already on the train was just ignoring the crazy girl so when I smiled at her she had someone to talk to. Besides, as all my friends know I am a total Psycho Chick magnet! {rimshot!}

Everyone around me has eyes averted ignoring her. Hell it's just plain rude to pretend she does not exist, psycho or not. I am just not built that way.

Well as a sci-fi reading D&D player I love immersing my self in alternate "realities' so what he hell, I just go with her in her reality. What ever she said no matter how crazy I simply took it at face value and just went with it. I replied, gave advice, asked questions just like you would in any conversation but it was all in her reality.

Did I mention she spoke VERY LOUDLY! Oh yeah, everyone could hear!

It's been ten years and I can't remember a lot of the conversation but I do recall a segment that involved her having tracking devices installed in her teeth. Her father was in Navy Intelligence and helped the Navy implant the devices in her when she was young. However, the saliva in her mouth would degrade the devices and every now and then her family would conspire to get her into the dentist chair so they could change out the old degraded hardware with fresh hardware.

So I replied as to how that REALLY pissed me off! With all the money the US Navy has you would think they of all people could do a decent job of waterproofing! You know if your Dad was Air Force that would be one thing but the Navy should be able to handle a little slobber, you know?  (I also vaguely remember we talked about battery replacement intervals??)

On one hand it occurred to me I was being cruel, reinforcing her delusions like this but seriously, I thought this was much, much kinder than just pretending she did not exist like everyone else was doing. In fact, as the train had continued north it got more and more crowded and yet there was a semi circle of empty seats around us. No one wanted to even be near the "crazy girl" even though her attention was focused on me.

Anyway, she got off at what I can only hope was her stop. As the doors closed I looked at the semi-circle of people around me intently studying their laps and shoes and said aloud "Wow, poor girl! I feel awful for her!" Eyes remained averted, the semi circle of solitude remained intact at a fixed boundary of four feet. Apparently 4 feet is the range beyond which crazy is no longer contagious???

It slowly dawned on me that since I had been "playing along" for the last 10 minutes these folks all thought that I was nuts too! They would not look at me or acknowledge my existence at all. Since I have a very weird sense of humor (to match the rest of my personality) I found this utterly hilarious- My coping mechanism for the crazy girl made me "the crazy guy"! Yeah, that was VERY funny to me! I laughed out loud- long and hard.

Shockingly enough this did nothing to help persuade folks I was (reasonably) sane.

However, at that point I KNEW I had been right- playing along is kinder than being shunned! Being shunned SUCKS! As if I did not learn this lesson well enough in junior high now I was really sure! I mean it was prom alllll over! :)

So a new guy gets on board and sees several empty seats around me on an otherwise crowded train. He sits down and says, "So why won't anyone sit next to you, I don't *smell* anything."
I liked this guy already! So I was smiling when I replied,  "They all think I'm nuts."
"Are you?"
With a shrug, "All a matter of perspective"
"True! So more to the point, are you dangerous?"
"Only to cheesecake... If its any consolation- I have had my shots", I said with a wide hopefully infectious grin.
"Well then I'll take my chances."
After a few minutes of silence I said, "Sooooooo, want to hear about the tracking devices implanted in my teeth?"
"Sure, why not. I got time"

I wish I had gotten that guys number, I am sure we would still be great friends.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Phone it in!

I have three stories to write for this blog on my todo list but I am swamped at the moment so I am phoning this one in...

I hesitate though because as utterly hilarious as I find this:

1) I got zippo response on the last youtube vids I posted so apparently not too popular...
2) This may just be too nerdy! {gasp!} This is about online D&D of which there are several variants, Worlds of Warcraft (WOW) is by far the most popular.

The playable character you create in game is called an avatar (or toon) Now the business people over at the maker of WOW know lots of teenage boys are going to play so they sex the avatars up nicely. So here is a good example of how to drive repeat business with teenage boys....

Since I overcame my catholic upbringing long ago I have no problems with sex (as noted in the last post :) ) however the analytical geek in me gets annoyed that a getup like this often has a high armor value! That does not compute Will Robinson! Those breast cups may have a high charisma rating but the armor should be close to ZERO. (See, I thought this may be too nerdy!)

Anyway, someone did a GREAT song about the {say it softly} sexual nature of this game. The tune is catchy and the lyrics are HILARIOUS (if you grasp the online world enough to "get" them that is) If nothing else the balding guy dancing in "armor" cracks me up too!

Anyway you slice it, this is good indie art! I hope you enjoy!

(double click to detach to get full width! :(  )

(You can touch my plus five two dexterity vest! ROFL! )

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

TV Ads

Man, TV sure has changed since I was young.

Nowadays it's just sex, sex, SEX!

I mean look at the "Victoria's secret" ads, whatever it was it aint much of a secret anymore now is it?

Then there are those Playtex commercials where the women are actually cupping their boobs while talking to them and about them. Can you believe that?

Then there are the ads for those Nike shape up shoes thing.. They found an incredibly shapely butt, put it in thin TIGHT Spandex and just zoomed WAY in. I mean that was as close to being naked as I have ever seen while being fully dressed, in high def and 2 foot across to boot!

The Sketchers got in on the act too and started doing lots of "booty zooms" with the camera and then they did that shapers top thing too so now they are zooming in on boobs as well as booties! Then they introduced dozens of women in of bikinis moving in slow motion to their ads!! Are there no limits?

My God, when I was young it was an absolute SCANDAL that sometimes on Charlie's Angels they did not wear a bra. They were literally protesting in the streets over it. Now not only can you see "cameltoe" but they zoom the camera in so close you can even tell she has a piercing down there. It's just unbelievable

Man, what a great time to be alive!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Nerd Music

I posted both of these separately years ago. I checked them out again yesterday and they are simply so nerdariffic (and even geektastic) that they are certainly worthy of a repost!

You might want to double click them so they detach, blogspot and youtube are both owned by Google but for some reason blogspot cuts off the right edge of youtube videos! :(

Weird Al - White and Nerdy

I LOVE the cameos' by Donny Osmond and Seth Green both smacking their ass'.

The lady getting the "gift" on the couch is Judy Tenuta. I don't know why her career fizzled out so soon,  I really thought she was great. (You can't get a body like mine in a bottle...unless you push REAL hard!)

Ironically I just bought Erika a power strip this weekend! Eeeep! :(


1) Nerds don't use pocket protectors anymore because we do not use those ancient writing stick things anymore. So there is nothing to protect our pocket from. Now you keep your smart phone in that pocket. ;)

2) Nerds DO NOT shop at The Gap! {Gasp} Oh the blasphemy of it all! The Gap is for people who worry more about how things look than how they perform!

Next up...

It's good to be a geek!

This one has a great tune to boot.

"A 13th level halfling fighter thief" Oh yeah man, that's the good stuff!


Steve Jobs is NOT a geek! Steve Wozniak was the geek responsible for the Mac. Jobs was the pretty boy front man who gets the credit for all the real geek's labors. I am no Bill Gates fan but at least he can code.

Steve Jobs is the kind of guy that shops at "The Gap" :)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Boating Life

In the interest of keeping this story reasonably short I won't go into details, let it suffice to say that every weekend for the last month something conspired to keep me from getting my boat out of the water for winter storage.

Mainly winds. My boat has a LOT of free board and the wind will really move it around and getting it centered on the trailer in windy conditions is TOUGH.

Last weekend we had 30 MPH winds. :(

We had been having a nice Indian summer and even with the winds the temps have been very moderate but this week the the weather got normal and we were getting lows in the 20's and the lake was starting to ice up! EEEp

So one day the sun was out and the wind was only 15 mph so even though the temp was 21 degrees I said Do it. NOW!

The marina is about 10 miles from my house. I got about a 1/2 mile, just far enough to get out into open water and suffered a mechanical. I lost steering. So this time the free board worked for me. With the winds help and use of power (with no steering) I was able to run into the dock and lasso a post at the Springfield Boat Club.

So what to do? I was really worried, VERY cold weather is coming; Very cold as in -4 F! The lake is already icing over so this is a major time crunch! How am I going to get this boat out out of the water?? The marina is clearly out but I HAVE to get to a boat ramp.

Finally the flash bulb went off- I went and bought an electric trolling motor, and attached it to the swim platform! I had to stand back there to drive but it worked...

Well, 30 pounds of thrust does not move a 4,000 pound boat very fast and there were times I did not make much head way at all against the wind but I did it, ever so slowly but I got it to the boat ramp all the same! Whew, huge load lifted!


I got to thinking about the whole situation in nerd terms though. I realized I am now just like any other federation vessel... I have my warp drive (seen above) and now I have impulse power too for in system movement.

And just like on Star Trek if you loose the warp engine too far out you will starve before the impulse engine will bring you home but if you are not too far out the impulse engine can keep you moving when all else fails.

Of course if I had had Scotty or even Geordie they could have got my steering working! :) Man I would have even settled for Wesley Crusher! Now THAT is desperation! :)

Here she is at the boat ramp going onto the trailer. Nothing like cutting it close eh?

Friday, December 10, 2010

I am sooo suing!

In accordance with my handle I am nerd and redneck combined. So in accordance with my personality I have a BIG 4 wheel drive pick up and I also have a cute little Ford hybrid SUV

I found out my first winter in Illinois that SUV or no the Escape is just about worthless in snow. The low rolling resistance tires don't grip well plus Ford stripped a lot of weight out it to increase MPG so it tends to slide up on top of snow then the tires leave the ground and you are high centered. Ugly!

So last night they were talking about freezing rain so this morning so I switched to my Redneck BAT (Big Ass Truck).  (it does not look that big but note the distance from the back bumper to the curb. It's way tall. You need a step ladder to wash and wax it and it wont fit in many garage's. But, mmmmm, GROG LIKE! :)

On the way to work I stopped at a fast food joint for chow. When they handed me my soda I realized my cup holder was full of clevis pins and other hardware from my last project. So I set my drink up on the dash and got all the crap out of my drink holders.

Somehow when I reached for my drink it slid off the dash towards me. In a feat of athletic prowess I dont even understand let alone ever be able to repeat my left hand had shot through the gap in the steering wheel and caught my coke in mid air BUT upside down, HOWEVER my right had gone under the wheel and had firmly clamped the flimsy plastic lid on with that hand. It was a stunning display of lighting reflexes and kinetic perfection that I take no credit for whatsoever! I have no idea how I did it, clearly, God, angels, the Mother earth gaia, whatever, HAD to be watching out for me and protecting me this morning.

Meanwhile the cup is still upside down and a few drops were coming out of the straw hole but overall a major disaster had been averted. Now all I had to do was turn the cup back up right. With my hands kinda tangled up in the wheel it was a bit of a challenge but I did it. Now the cup is upright and one hand is still clamping the lid on.

Whew! I did it! I realx! I can't beleive how well this all worked out! Man!

So I took my hand off the lid and FOOM! That shook up soda blew the lid off and made a nice pretty Roman fountain of brown soda. Which just goes to show you that whoever it was I *thought* was protecting me this morning was just setting me up for a fall after I relaxed! It was probably the Mother Earth Gaia, the bitch! If I ever find out for sure it was her I will open a strip mine and show HER a thing or two! :)
So it was cold outside and now my lap is soaked in ice cold coke.

One of my fathers favorite insult terms was numb nuts, he must have called me that a thousand times during my teen years. This morning I lived up to it!

Look out MCD, I am looking for a shady lawyer (sorry for the redundancy) right now and I WILL be seeing you in court! It does not matter if it was my fault or not, just ask any American judge! Numb nuts ought to be worth a million or so in pain and suffering-  right?

Thursday, December 9, 2010


I love evolution. I think it is super cool how organisms can change and adapt to new environments.

In science fiction a long running theme for stories has been that for 3 million years humanity was shaped by its environment. We control our environment now so without any need for us to change will we continue to evolve? If so, how?

Lots of science fiction writers have assumed that in long term zero gravity environments human toes will become prehensile. Hard to argue with that one. It makes a lot of sense.

Now I once put forward the hypothesis is that if shirt pockets and touch screen phones continue long enough then men (who wear the shirt pockets) will develop prehensile nipples. Then you will no longer have to take your phone out of your pocket to answer, dial, etc.

Now I have to tell you, no "futurist" that I know have has predicted the formation of a prehensile butt cheeks but obviously with the environment this subject finds herself in this appears to be a desirable adaptation

Ain't evolution great!

(so to those who questioned my nerdmanity, I submit for your approval that I took a photo of a hottie in spandex and made it nerdy. Yeah, I'm that good!! And modest too! lol)

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Fallen Heros!

 My nerdyness MUST be hereditary. Even my earliest memories were nerd stricken. Even before kindergarten I would sneak out of bed to watch critical moments of Apollo missions. For some reason extracting the LIM, lunar lift off, etc  always took place in the wee hours of the morn. We only had one TV and my parents slept upstairs so I could get up at 3:00 AM, sneak into the front room and settle down with some Cap'n Crunch, Walter Cronkite and NASA (back when NASA was run by engineers instead of bureaucrats)

However, my son does not seem to have inherited my nerdyness. As least not nearly as virulent a strain. Perhaps the nerdy gene skips a generation (like my color vision issue that kept me from being an astronaut?)

I mean as a teenager he had sports illustrated swimsuit posters on his wall NOT Star Wars Posters! Oh a fathers pain!

Hey now, Princess Leia was HOT too! Even her name was a double entendre! (In fact, to this day a cinnamon bun will remind me of a young Carrie Fisher in a thin occasionally clingy white dress. Hmmm, suddenly I wonder ifs any of the "secrets of male arousal" in that Cosmo magazine involved putting cinnamon buns on your head? Prolly not! Sorry, I drifted! Its early )

I can remember well RUNNING home from school to watch reruns of "Lost in Space". We got out of school at some odd ball time like 3:20 and the show started at 3:30 so I had to RUN to make it home in time. Once we got into first grade and had recess 3 of my friends and I would play "Lost in Space" every single day at both recesses. And every single day we would argue over who got to be Will Robinson. Then the 3 losers of that fight would start a new fight over who got to be Robot.

I was full bore baby! I had the lost in space lunch box, I built models of the Jupiter II, I had a toy of ROBOT ( a Christmas present from my beloved Aunt) that would just EAT batteries in nothing flat but it would flail it's arms and say "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER! and "Does not compute" so who cared how much chore money I spent on his food (batteries)

Check out Snippets of Robot B-9.

You could open a pizza franchise with the cheese from just this 30 second clip! OY VEY!

So a big part of my very early years were centered around this show for example, just look at the Jupiter II.
The Jupiter II

With an eraser and just a little work from your pocket pen knife and  by breaking up a paper clip and shaping the pieces just so you can build a pretty good facsimile of the Jupiter II at your school desk.

Of course touching down on a new and alien planet and investigating the strangely familiar yet incredibly huge alien "flies" on your desk the new planets surface during bible study is a damned fine way to get Sister Mary Elizabeth to crack your knuckles with a ruler. Not too mention Dad always going "Another eraser ? What the hell do you need with another eraser?

Sooo.... flash year when my son Brian was in first grade during Christmas Vacation it was cold and icky outside and we were watching TV together and we saw a commercial ... They were going to have a Lost in Space Marathon and show every episode back to back! Starting in about 15 minutes! Wow! I was excited, I had not seen the show since my age was in the single digits. So I rapidly told Brian about how much I loved this show when I was his age and this was going to be AWESOME that we could see some episodes together. My excitement was contagious and he was READY for Lost in Space now I tell ya!

Then the first episode begins and I... am... shocked. This show is HORRIBLE. The writing is horrible, the plot is STUPID! They are sending a FAMILY to start a colony on Alpha Centauri. A FAMILY to start a colony? "Helllooo Planet Incest, mission control calling, can you read me? We need a status update on project INBRED"! I mean WTH Man? I can't believe this show was not protested!

Then talk about production God, look at this alien from the first episode. You can actually SEE the paper mache. What alien species has NO FACIAL MOVEMENT WHATSOEVER when it speaks? Egads man!

Just mind bendingly bad special effects!

I was devastated. I had LOVED this show and it is just sooooo horrible. Oh how my hero's have fallen.

On the other hand I was doing my best not to ruin this for Brian. I mean I was the same age when I first watched it and I did not see how horrible this show was then so keep your mouth shut dad and let Brian soak up the magic of new discovery via imagination that only a young unjaded mind can conjure.

After just a little bit, Brian says, "Dad?"
"So you really liked this show"
"Yes, I did."
"Uh, do I have to watch this?" Of course, Brian grew up on Star Wars, Babylon 5 and Star Trek Next Generation. Even at his age he knew what descent nerd based entertainment was supposed to be like!
"You don't like it huh?"
After a moments hesitation, "Oh Dad, it's really bad."
"I know son, I know. Lets find something else"

Oh how our memories can be soooooo wrong. That was a very sad day for me.

Monday, December 6, 2010

What a scam!

Sorry for the picture quality but I saw this in the check out line last night and I was flabbergasted, so I shot it one handed!

This magazine has been around as long as I can remember and frankly, I don't know how it stays in business.I mean who is dumb enough to read this drivel?
1) Ladies, There are NO secrets to male arousal. An article on secrets to keeping the Earth in orbit around our sun would be just as relevant. So ladies, if you need help in this area I would recommend dating a man with a heartbeat and that you give up any future attempts at necrophilia. {shudder}
2) There is no such thing as a sexy hairstyle. I mean there are pretty and ugly hairstyles of course but not sexy ones. If you think that it is possible for your hair to be sexy then that is probably why you think there are "secrets" to male arousal!

Friday, December 3, 2010

My virtual Cuz' Jinktso

Yesterday Jinksto left a comment on my Snerds post. I usually answer comments in the comments section but every now and then a comment deserves a post all it's own!

So Jinksto wrote:

"Three posts in a row that have caused me to comment. I'm not commenting tomorrow."

What? Why not, you act like its a bad thing? I live for comments!

In fact, I have started to suspect that poor Tammy has been leaving me "pity comments" she knows she is the only one who leaves me comments most of the time anymore so her continuing to leave comments is the bloggy equivalent of throwing a buck at the homeless dude on the sidewalk each morning!

In fact, pondering Tammy's plight I have coined the term: Oblogation: feeling obligated to read and comment on someones blog! :)

Poor Tammy! A heart of gold though!

"A friend and I were chatting about nerd blogs last night. Interestingly, yours came up. we both read yours. One of the comments was that, "yeah, he writes good stuff"

Ahhhh, lifted to dizzying heights on the wings of praise

" but it's not as 'nerdy' as the blog name implies"

Then hurled bloodily to the rocks below! lol!

I can honestly say this is the first time I have ever been accused of not being nerdy enough. I am sure Erika will choke when she reads that! ;)

I find it vastly funny that you think the fact that your D&D group frequently had these guys playing was testament to their (and your) nerdness but seem to blaze past the statement that your even HAVING a D&D group makes.

Huh. You lost me there. Why is that funny? lol

Jinksto, I had no idea you liked the nerdy side. When you do comment it's usually on the rednecky posts and you often brag about your redneckness on your blog. The only exception is our discussions of chi-chi's aura! :) (may chi-chi's aura remain pastels!)

Thanks though, your comment really made my day! Seriously!

And hey, friend of Jinksto, feel free to come out of lurker mode. Now that I have had some feedback I will endeavor to let my inner nerd come out and play more often!

Thursday, December 2, 2010


As you all may recall I have in the past bragged about my internal I-POD.

I have about 60 gig of music in my internal wet ware and I have a feature none of your lowly i-Pods do, a relevance generator. My shuffle function will often pull up and play music to match what I am currently doing/seeing.

So  last night I was cooking supper and as I was putting potato peels down the garbage disposal my relevance generator loaded "Water Flowing Underground" into my internal i-Pod from a group I had almost totally forgotten about! The Talking Heads.

Oh man I forgot how AWESOME they were too! Ya gotta check this one out! (Anybody else remember this one?)

As I watch this I NOW remember going to dances and imitating several of these moves (because *I* thought they were so awesome!!!!????)

Suddenly I realize why in spite of looking like this <--- I was still sooooo desperately lonely as a teenager! I mean, seriously,  what hot teenage girl could possibly resist that Egyptian walk thing (55 seconds in) or that Spaz thing (1:11) on the dance floor! LOL!

The fact that my Dungeons and Dragons group often had these guys going in the background while we were playing should have been a major clue!

In fact my D & D group actually adopted that "Chopping your wrist" motion seen in the video as our official greeting/handshake. "Same as it ever was" with a shoulder shrug became our equivalent of "Que sera sera"
("WTH? Your troll defeated my Kobold dwarf?
"Same as it ever was!" )

It is still mind bogglingly awesome though. These guy are nerd hero's. In spite of being completely and OBVIOUSLY nerds, they still rose through the ranks of all the cool people and were big time rock stars getting their money for nothing on the M T Veeeeeeee.

This makes them no ordinary nerds. Oh no, they are clearly SUPER nerds! Since nerds love to abbreviate (or acronym) everything this makes them SNERDS.


In order to fully appreciate their full Snerdy awesomeness,  while you are on youtube be sure to listen to "And She Was" and "Stay up Late" and Burning Down the House. Of course "take me to the river" was the one that put them on the map. If you have had a baby or love any baby, I DARE you to listen to "Stay up late" without a goofy grin on your face! :) ("looking so cute, in his little red suit!" )

I am going to find a Talking Heads "Greatest hits" album so I can get some decent fidelity and relive my lonely, awkward and horrible teen years again in full stereo!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A Swing and a Miss

Strike one.

Folks here at work were talking about how awesome Amish furniture is so the first thought that popped into my warped little mind is " I bet the Amish website really sucks". So I made a sad little attempt at humor and was IMMEDIATELY called on it. (never have I gotten comments faster!)  Of course the Amish don't have websites but OF COURSE their distributors and retailers do. Duh.

Strike two.

Our shitty cable provider, Comcast, has taken six steps back, we have reverted to the 80's and we have to have cable boxes again. (Remember those?)  There are three TV's in the house and only one box worked right. So I spent HOURS on the phone with someone from India trying to make the the other two work. And when I say trying to make them work that means we spent a few hours unplugging the box and plugging it back in, basically rebooting it. I was very patient that day.

She finally gave up and sent a technician. Well by 'sent' I mean 10 days later a guy showed up 3 hours after the appointed time and fixed the other two cable boxes. I was patient then too. I made sure they both worked before he left.

After he left I noticed that the one box that worked before was not getting all the channels it should now. Grrrrrr. So I called up Comcast and the lady in India told me to unplug the cable box. My patients were now officially all used up. I said NO! I have spent hours rebooting these boxes and it has never worked and I don't intend to waste another night of my life rebooting boxes because it's not going to work now, I am not following your script anymore, give me something intelligent to do and I will gladly do it but no more unplugging boxes for NOTHING!

Oh yes, it was a rant! My voice coach would have been so proud! I was projecting from the diaphragm! Yes, it was a good old fashioned LOUD "NO MORE" rant.

I felt so much better. Then I felt childish so I relented and rebooted the stupid box.

As I had heard dozens of times already. "Now it should take 45 minutes to reload. If after 45 minutes you still have problems give us call us back."

Yeah, thanks, I have this fricken script memorized. Been there done that have a couple of boxes of T shirts from all the visits, thanks.

So, yeah, of course it worked this time! I made an ass of my self, the girl in India now wants to blow up plane loads of American jerk wads and the cable box works just fine.


Hmmm, maybe I could lie to my self to make me feel better?

You know, I bet the rant fixed it!

No, no, no, that makes no logical sense, more likely, they just been screwing with me for the last two weeks and when I went off on the tear the little girl knew she had really better actually fix it this time. Yeah, that's it. I finally make her do her job. Yes!

Ah, self delusion is soooooo important!

Monday, November 29, 2010


I was told the Amish make some really GREAT handcrafted furniture so I was intrigued.

I have looked and looked but I can't find their website anywhere though.

Printer Mouse

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
Tech Support: Any idea what is wrong with it?
Caller: The Mouse is jammed.
Tech Support: Mouse? ... Our printers don't have a mouse!!!
Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really? ... I will send a picture.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

How Fairy Tales Really End


Sleeping Beauty (she got the best deal if you ask me! )

Princess Jasmin (from Aladin)

Belle from Beauty and the Beast.
(apparantly she got the breasts done on a prior visit! AR! :) )

Finally, we have The little Mermaid!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Anti...

Lets see, we have anti-matter, the anti-Christ, anti-virus, anti-cruelty, anti war and even antonyms but NOW we have scientific proof of the existence of the anti-redneck!

Thanks Tammy!

Monday, November 22, 2010

It's wicked awesome!

You have to do that title with a Northeastern accent!

When Nerdyrednecks and stuck up new yorkers are on the same side of an issue you KNOW it's a real groundswell!

This is the best SNL video I have seen since "Sexual Harassment in the work place

PS at the end that blonde is reasonably cute but MAN she can NOT dance! :)

Whew! NOW I feel safe!

I don't care how many people you have to molest, so long as *I* feel safe.

I weep for what America once was. We have become a nation of Volvo driving, bicycle helmet wearing sniveling little pansies who will submit to any degradation to feel "safe"

Shame on you Mom; shame on YOU. You are suppossed to STOP this from happening to your baby not help out.

Bile and Scrambled eggs don't mix so well. :(

Just in time!

It's whats for supper!

Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm, America's favorite food has always been dead animals. but folks, we have gotten in a rut, God created so many tasty animals and we limit ourselves to chicken, pig and cow, with the occasional fish or lamb thrown in. As we all know Lamb was the favorite food of Jesus because so many of his pictures showed him with little lambs!

So come on folks, lets get a little variety

Just remember, if God did not want you to eat animals, he would not have made them taste so darned goooood!

I just love those folks at ThinkGeek!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A New Graph...

Perhaps I am liking GraphJam just a little too much? :)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Wow! A triple post day.

After my last post I have been reading and pondering on the whole "naked scanner/pat down" procedure where they grope (palpate) your breasts and and feel your genitals.

Upon further review, really, I just don't see what all the fuss is about?? I have been feeling a little "lonely" lately and a $79 Southwest ticket is way, cheaper than a prostitute!

{rim shot please? - duh duh dump}

Unlike lying ass Jerry Jones and his poorly named "Action Station" i complained about a few weeks ago the TSA will come through, you pays your money and you gets your groping!

{duh duh dump}

I mean this new process could have saved Elliot Spitzer about $85,000!

{duh duh dump}

Hells bells, that's chump change! This could have saved Tiger Woods 500 Million!

{duh duh dump}


I better get back to some humor around here so a rare double post today!

The State of Texas requires a bachelor of Science degree applicant to have two semesters of Economics.

When I took Economics 101 I fell in LOVE with economics! I was STUNNED to discover how Human behavior could be mathematically modeled! In fact if you have ever seen the awesome movie "A Beautiful Mind" the 'true original work' Russell Crow's character did in his youth and received the Nobel peace prize for later was was the prize for economics.

Sorry, I drift... So imagine my delight at discovering the following axioms of human existence graphed in glorious techi-color! :)

I hope you enjoy these even a fraction as much as I did...

The next two are not really human behavior related but they are good enough to include...

Nerds Rule!

Sorry, this is two posts in a row of a non humor nature (unless of course like me you consider the TSA and "homeland security" to be HUGE albeit incredibly expensive jokes)

I have a new blogger hero! PLUS he is a software guy too! NERDS RULE!

You have probably heard of him since he seems to be headlining the news today but in case you have not...

When a TSA agent informed him we was going to pat down his groinal area he replied, "If you touch my junk I will have you arrested" (As the old commercial said, "that's sexual harassment and I don't have to take it!")

Needless to say he did not fly that day (and he may never fly again!)

6 TSA agents and a Police officer escorted him back to the ticket area, THEN a TSA supervisor told him if he left the airport without his groinal pat down he would be subject to a 10,000 fine and a civil suit.

He told the TSA supervisor 'see ya in court' and left! ROFL!

I love this guy! I want to have his children! What an American! (This nation was born defying ignorant unelected rulers. You know, like TSA agents and Federal Judges)

His Blog that started it all

Here is a shorter San Diego News story that will give you the gist quickly

Friday, November 12, 2010


A day late but... :(

Sorry, today is one of my rare departures from humor here but I wanted to share one of the most powerful photographs I have ever seen with you all today.

It was in the Dallas paper six years ago today; it is still stuck in my soul.

The photo was taken at a Veteran's Day Commemoration at Dallas City Hall in 2004.

The older vet is Houston James, a Pearl Harbor survivor. (That generation is getting so rare now)

The Vet in uniform is Staff Sergent Mark Garunke Jr. a member of the ordnance disposal squad. He lost his left hand, right index finger and thumb, left eye and right leg in Iraq in July of 2003.

The two generations pictured here are separated by decades yet connect in ways that are difficult if not impossible for the rest of us to fathom.

and some people think football players are heroes. pffft.

Whenever you feel down about your life remember this photo.

PS I simply adore how Mr. James has reached an age where he does not give a shit if its unmanly to cry or not. Right there on stage in front of hundreds of people and the press. Who cares? And who is going to tell a Pearl Harbor survivor he is unmanly? For that matter who who would ever question Sgt. Garunke's manhood?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


I have discovered the answer to the ancient riddle!

(Click the strip to enlarge...)

And now we all KNOW why the chicken crosses the road!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The exception

Well I usually don't do the "motivational posters"because they are EVERYWHERE. However this one hits so close to home I HAD to share it!

Of course this is why when anyone calls me a consultant I correct them, I am a contractor I tell them. What's the difference is the inevitable question;

Contractors come in and do work, we get things DONE. Consultants come in and talk, write reports, hold meetings, get behind schedule and bring 42 other consultants to assist thereby REALLY cranking up the billable hours, then like a bad dinner guest just will NOT leave until you threaten them with a baseball bat. :) When they do finally leave you have a huge bill and little to nothing tangible to show for it.

State Governments LOVES consultants! :)

So I LOVE this poster!

Of course since I am making exceptions this morning and I grew up wearing overalls, I guess I can't let this post go without including this one...

I'm not sure about that caption though, look at the background behind her. She may be very good looking but I think she is still a redneck! ;)

Monday, November 8, 2010

Ancient Wisdom!

I can't remember, did I rant last year about how much I hate the stupidity that is Daylight "Savings" Time? Even the name is stupid.

I think the old Chief from the "The Outlaw Josey Wales" said it best....

(as always, you can click the picture to make it bigger...)

Friday, November 5, 2010

Some Peoples Kids

Wednesday when I came into work a table near my cube was covered with Halloween leftovers (days later in spite of my best efforts it STILL is!)

So someone left a piece of fruit on the table too.

Here is a wide angle shot... (The picture is way blurry, apparently i had the sugar shakes already at this point! What? What do mean Snickers does not make a breakfast bar?)

So being my cute, loveable and yes HILARIOUS self, I left a little note on the table...

Maybe you think it's funny maybe you don't but I can hear several conversations over there from my cube, many people just don't get it, and several people are actually quite offended by it! Maybe 10-15% of "respondents' think it's funny.

Personally I giggle uncontrollably every time I think about it! (had to stop writing for a "giggle break" there)

Then again, as I tell you how funny *I* think I am I recall the words of Robert Heinlein, "beware a poet who reads his own work aloud in public- He probably has other bad habits! (Hmmmm is that is a Paraprosdokian Sentence?)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Party Down!

I realize I live in a State Capital now but I had no idea election night was a PARTY NIGHT.

As a reminder I am working contracts at state agencies these days. At least in Illinois all state employees have the day off paid. Basically the state shuts down on election day.

The public schools here mirror the State schedule so if Mom or Dad are off then the kids are out too. (which is kinda cruel of the schools if you think about it. :) )

So I tried to make yesterday somewhat productive, after some cleaning and laundry I went to WAL-Mart for groceries. OMG the place was a mad house! It was like Christmas in there!

So I said "screw this" since it defeated the whole point of shopping on a weekday in the first place SO I went and got my oil changed and washed the car.

Then there has been a sewing machine of mine sitting unused down in the basement for while now. Erika dropped some VERY polite hints about it ( Hey, I am dropping some stuff at Good will, want me to take THAT too! ) lol

So I asked around and a friend wanted it so this was a perfect day to drop it off and get it out of the basement! I called and said, are you home and can I drop this off.. You bet, come on over... When I get here there is a PARTY going on! 3:00 on a weekday (even though schools and state are off)

I noticed as I was driving over too that MANY houses had slews of cars parked around them too. It looked like SuperBowl Sunday in that way.

Then they shut down the streets down town and it's a big street party after 7:00 o'clock.

I mean I am very into being a good citizen and voting and all but this place PARTIES over an election!

Very weird.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Ear rat a

Disney thinks the Guardians are Owls. Ha! Check out these trained guard cats...

Erika is setting there Shelling a bunch of pecans she bought at farmers Market(?)

Note how the guardians have positioned themselves on each flank? That whole licking their paws thing is a non verbal warning to any chipmunk or squirrel eyeing Erika's pecans that "this will be YOUR blood I will be cleaning from my jowls if you come too close"

Then after reading my Star Wars post Erika gave me a Guardian....

My laptop and tea have never been safer! :)

Jump tracks...
I saw "V For Vendetta" in the theater when it was a new release. I walked out of the theater with an "eh" attitude. I did not dislike like it but it did very little for me. Then I a couple of weeks ago I was surfing the boob toob and NOTHING else was on so watched the last half hour or so of it on TV. I was thinking, "This is better than I remember."

Then just by coincidence Erika caught it on the DVR since she had never seen it. The next day I was dying to watch it with her but she was too busy cleaning her pecans. :)

So I watched it alone front to back with no commercials. (DVR's ROCK!) A beautiful movie visually and intellectually (in spite of some cartoon violence). Smart, funny and very deep. It's a love story to boot; the beautiful young woman falls in love with the horribly disfigured burn victim. It's chock full of wonderful philosophical quotes to boot such as "We are told to remember the idea, not the man, because a man can fail. He can be caught, he can be killed and forgotten, but 400 years later, an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed first hand the power of ideas, I've seen people kill in the name of them, and die defending them... but you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it, or hold it... ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain, they do not love, they do not die"

Mmmmmm. that is good writing.

Another quote is from the "autobiographical" note of a woman dieing in a concentration camp that she scratched out on toilet paper and hid in the rat hole of her cell that really moved me...

"...It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

-Valerie. "

Wow. Bea-ut-i-ful. Yup, I'm a big sap and hey, I grow more comfortable with that everyday. :) (this is also the scene I caught while surfing that made me want to see the whole movie again)

Now recently Tammy accused me of not being "romantic" ;)

Here is a great quote as V is dying in Evey's arms...

V: ...For 20 years, I sought only this day. (vengeance!!) Nothing else existed... until I saw you. Then everything changed. I fell in love with you Evey. And to think I no longer believed I could.
Evey: But I don't want you to die.
V: That's the most beautiful thing you could have ever given me.

Bravo! Good stuff! Who is NOT a romantic?! :)

There are a dozen other excellent quotes and dialog like this in the movie and then the closing scene is very powerful but this is getting to long.

So, back to original track...

I really wanted to watch this with Erika when she recorded it the weekend before last but we watched it together last night. I am not sure, but I don't think the movie did a thing for her. Just like it did nothing for me the first time I saw it.