Monday, May 7, 2012
Good old Exacto blades. They cut right through flesh like a light saber!
My Exacto knife DID NOT come with a 16 page "manual" that was actually full of legal warnings such as:
"WARNING! THIS IS NOT A TOY! STICKING THIS TOOL INTO YOUR FLESH OR ANY OTHER PERSONS FLESH COULD CAUSE INJURY OR DEATH; USE EXTREMELY EXTREME CAUTION
Therefore since I was not properly and repeatedly warned that sharp things can cut you even faster and easier than what you meant to cut, I put the blade right through my index finger! Exit wound and everything! COOL, er, I mean, oh the psychological damage! I am having nightmares, I get the shakes around shiny things. Spinner rims actually put me into a epileptic like seizure now! It's horrible. I can never travel in urban areas where ask murderers roam again! I deserve compensation damn it!
And if I had ONLY been properly warned in an instruction manual which I would have never opened THIS would not have happened...
|So, how do I get blood off my counter top? It kinda soaked in while I was busy trying to apply first aid to myself.|
This is a real problem in America. Did you know there are over 20,000,000 knife injuries per year in this country and millions of them are very serious. Also did you know that I make up 82.2 percent of my stats right on the spot? It's a problem people!
With my millions from the settlement I will start the Nerdy Redneck Foundation to stop sharp knifes. Our Motto will be "The only good knife is a dull knife" or "safer Knifes for a safer world" or something equally inane. If there are any colors left we can do an awareness ribbon! I mean really work those cliches here folks!
Then like most charities we will totally loose focus and start will campaigning against anything sharp. Our group will inevitably support all the teachers demanding children be put on Ritalin! "Sharp things are dangerous, we demand dull children!" YEAH!
Oooh, THAT will get me on the morning talk show circuit
Join the protest chant people...
TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT
WE DEMAND KIDS BE ILLITERATE
(Now northerners, here in the south "illiterate" rhymes with "eight", don't blame the poet for *your* funny accents !)
PS Mr. Clean, that phallic symbol from the days when housewife's were lonely for a big strong CLEAN man, does an awesome job on blood stains.