They Walk Among Us!

Many people have long suspected aliens were slowly infiltrating Earth! So many people believe this that they even made the MIB movies!

One could reasonably propose that those movies were really an effort to defuse the whole concept of the existence of The MIB and therefore alien infiltration. If you bring it up now you are just silly! A brilliant ploy eh?  

Well I think I have proof that at least one species of alien life do walk among us! Those brilliant alien bastards even got unsuspecting humans to copy their camouflage technique as a fashion statement making it that much harder to spot the real enemy!

That is true brilliance people!  How can we defeat such high intellect?

SEE THE TRUTH!

So who is crazy now? Huh? Huh? 

Thoughts on Food

I just had a mermaid salad sandwich. I know it sounds really weird but it was really good! However  I am troubled by the ethical situation. Are mermaids human enough to count as cannibalism? I mean it's roughly akin to having sex with a third cousin. The genetic spread is great enough by gen 3 to avoid monster babies so its totally legal in any state but the thought is still creepy.


So yeah, clearly it's legal to eat mermaids or else Kroger would not have a shelf full of them but in spite of the flaky tenderness of the meat I am still having qualms. Something just is not right about eating mermaid. Maybe I am just too much a guy and it just bugs me to eat pretty mermaids. Maybe I should try eating mermen? Oh wait! Strike that! Never mind!


To top it all off I know rednecks think every kind of non traditional meat tastes like chicken however I find that mermaid meat tastes nothing like chicken so I am not sure what the marketing folks had in mind with this name...

On another note I heard rice cakes were really good for weight loss. So I thought I would give them a try. Never being a shades of grey kind of guy I ate nothing but rice cakes for 5 days. Two rice cakes and a cup of coffee for a meal is so yummy and satisfying so you would think its a great diet right?  However, I put on a butt load of weight (literally!) I don't get it? Could TV have possibly lied to me?

Rice cakes for weight loss! The great LIE!

News Hype!

THE LEAD IN.


{in a tense and powerful voice} Tonight on actions news! A local airshow act goes horrifyingly wrong! The pilot loses control of his aircraft and impacts four buildings traumatizing the building occupants! Complete film at 11:00











THE REALITY:

Talk about being scared shitless! AR!

Random Points

TV

I have been DVR'ing "Hoarders" as I know a few.

For some reason I just can't make myself delete them off the DVR after I watch them. I mean what if I missed something? What if they cancel the series, how will I ever catch what I missed? What if someday something comes up and the knowledge in one of those episodes is EXACTLY what I need to solve the problem.

My DVR is all full of Hoarders episodes and I cant record anything else. I guess I need a bigger DVR.

Rest?

A few posts back I showed you my new fence. I have also been moving a lot of dirt to level the yard and improve drainage. I have been so stiff and sore for weeks now. So I decided Sunday was going to be a day of rest, a "me day".  I vowed I would not do any work! Read, watch Cheesy TV etc and just relax for one lousy day.

I decided to play the Wii I bought, jeez, years ago. I had a BLAST playing Tennis, baseball, golf and Bowling.

Some rest! Wii Sports is active! My God I am so stiff this morning I can hardly type. I don't remember my coffee cup being so damn heavy!

"Bad call Ripley, bad call."

I have the POWER (2)

Wow, I am just coming to grips with this sway I hold over the universe. Not long ago I say here that Rick Perry should not be president and within 12 hours he drops out of the the race.

Last year I bitch about Ford building wimpy "Muscle  cars" and now they have this!

This is way better than my idea of putting a megaphone in the wheel well so it would at least sound like a muscle car.

Apparently the force grows strong in me! Anyone seen my droid?

Times are TOUGH!

Last Friday I went to see my stock broker. I usually do this stuff online but he was paying me for a change so I had to go see him.

I keyed the address into good old Map quest and I thought "Great! Out in front of the mall. THAT will really help narrow down where to find him in the mall! STUPID MAP QUEST!" Here see for yourself... (click pic to embiggen if you wish. (yeah, I make up words, leave me alone!))

I mean right smack dab in the middle of the road. C'mon!!

Well after a few laps around the building. I called him again and he said he had seen me drive by three times and look south, can I see him waving. Oh Shit! There he was! I had been avoiding eye contact with him which turned out to be really embarrassing in the end 



My Broker!

WOW. Retractions all the way around.... Map Quest is dead on! He was in the road! I'm sorry Map quest...

MMMMMmmm, I shore do loves me some humble pie y'all!

I HAVE THE POWER!

My wallet was stolen last November. The credit cards were replaced within 10 days.

I am still waiting for a new a drivers licence. I was in Illinois then. I got online and sure enough I could get a duplicate issued and mailed ONLY to my home from the website. Makes sense and no problem-o because then my son could send it to me up north.

Ironically I had to wait for a credit card to be re-issued so I could use it on the website to pay the fee for a duplicate licence. :)

So in December I still don't have a licence so I check my credit card statement and the modest payment to the state of Texas never hit so I assumed I somehow or another did not complete the website correctly. You know some silly like not hitting the confirm button AFTER hitting the submit button. (Being a UNIX guy the plebeian "Are you sure?" thing of the GUI baby universe often throws me off! ;) )

So I hit the Texas  "Department of Public Safety" (State Police) website again and ran through the process again looking hard for the "confirm: or the "are you really, really, REALLY sure" button and I am pretty sure I got it right this time.

So along comes January and still no licence (several blog posts detailing many Christmas travel adventures with no valid ID will be written, this I SWEAR!)   So I get online again and I get a big red box saying call this phone number. Well it turns out I have been flagged for trying to get two drivers licences online and now I have to come in person to get it.

No problem, I moved home over Christmas so a in situ meeting is not the issue it would have been in Nov. or Dec. So I head on over.

The line stretches out the door into the parking lot. thank goodness it was a nice Texas day, in Illinois this line could be deadly (literally). When my spot in line gets to the door I see this GEM of government think....



A tough call; laugh or cry? I chose hysterical cackling followed by sobbing in the shower when I got home.

At first I thought I could have made an appointment and not stood in line?  Damn! THEN the stunning reality, the full soul crushing weight of the sign sinks in fully.... Even when you have an appointment you STILL have to stand in this line before your appointment will be "honored".     

As a man who thrives on efficiency I begin to shiver, then giggle then drool while still giggling. As a defense mechanism from such madness my mind detaches and floats away into a safer happier place. Why my mind chose to "vacation" in an old vision of the LSD inspired movie "Yellow Submarine" I may never fully understand. (Click play on the song below and keep reading, its a great sound track for the surreal tale to follow)

Only after vomiting off the edge of the sidewalk do I begin to regain contact with reality and as my super-ego reconnects with the wet ware I catch myself mumbling "we all live... in.. a..yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine". Whoa!

I was getting many dirty looks from my fellow line inmates for vomiting but as I wiped my mouth I simply stated, "You did not think I was going to give up my place in line for that did you?" 

The dirty looks become glares.

Never one to back down in the face of reason I just growl, "You folks just better pray I don't have to poo before this is over" 

No more eye contact is made with me. I have firmly establish my alpha-ness over this line herd!    

Anyway, I eventually work my way up the head of the line.  

Sidebar... Back in the 90's I fell in hate with our Governor here at the time, you may have heard of him. George W Bush. He signed a law requiring all Texans to give their thumbprints like convicted criminals in order to receive a drivers licences. The Prints are digitally encoded onto a magnetic strip on the back of the licence so they can swipe you license and make sure you and the licence match.

Hi big brudder! Wanna play some catch?   I realize I have these old fashioned ideas about the Constitution and right to privacy and such so I was outraged. Me and perhaps four others (by my count)

Back to the present story... deep in the belly of the beast.... I reach the lady with the computer! "Ok sir, lost licence, no problem, I just need your social security card?" 

"Ooooo, I don't have it on me."

"I am sorry sir, you will have to get it, we need it to identify you" 

"OH!", tapping my side of her computer monitor, "You have my picture right here don't you"?

"I am sorry sir, I will need your social security card to identify you."

Pointing at the thumbprint reader "Uh, you have my thumbprints in that system there and here is a reader, you can't match that? After all that is why fearless leader Bush made us submit them right?" (sadly noting there can actually be benefits to evil which is why I suppose so many sheep accept it)

"Sir, I have to have your Social Security card to identify you."

"Do you know how easy it is to fake one of those? Do you know how long I stood in this line? Whereas the data you have in this computer is secure and I don't have to stand in line again"

"Sir, I have to have your Social Security card to identify you"

"So you are saying that if I was a mass murderer and the state police (you!) arrested me right now I would be executed as John Doe because I don't have a social Security card?  

Silence.

In exasperation at the prospect of another day in line I simply say "FUCK!" and turn to walk away.
In that snotty tone only a public facing civil "servant" can use she ordered me to "watch my language"
"No ma'am! I still live in this funny place called America and I actually have the right to be rude and crude. So FUCK!!"

I'm not proud but it needed to be said... much like lancing a boil. It ain't pretty but it's utterly necessary.

OK! Irony tiiiiiiiiiiiime! Are you ready? 'cause this here is the kicker!

If I had not double submitted on the DPS (State Police) website I would have had my licence without showing my SOCIAL SECURITY CARD! Ponder on that a bit people! Let that sink in.......Yeah, I know right!?

So yesterday when I posted a much shorter and less humorous version of this rant on facebook I closed with "Rick Perry has been Governor of this state for 12 years, if this is the best our state agencies can do after 12 years of his "leadership" then he has no business being president"

Today he withdrew from the race! CNN Story Here.


BWUH HA HA HA! Can you feel my power young jedi's? I did not know I had it either but you people better start being nicer to me.

{waving three fingers....} "Its very warm in here ma'am; You want to remove your top..."

Dishonor

Kwaii Lo! Your Christmas gift brings great dishonor to my house and your once proud family!

Go now in shame and pray that in the future you can perform some great task of sacrifice to wash the stain of shame from both our houses.

NOW GO!

Does your shame know no boundries Kwai Lo?

I'm Pissed!

Yes again!

You mean to tell me I been parking at the 100 acre box stores and all I had to do was just find one of these green boxes and help myself - FOR FREE!


So, who ever did not send me this memo is in for it! BIG TIME

Jihad!

I am pretty agnostic when it comes to religion. Yet from the seemingly oddest of casual conversations my random access brain solved a centuries old religious question. (Humble aint I?) Empiricism is dead in the rest of the world (eg Global warming) but I still respect it immensely. So here is actual proof of a major religions tenet!

It all started on a first date. It seems to be one of those ‘standard’ “getting to know you questions”. Every single woman I have dated will ask, “So what do you like to eat”?

I guess this list of standardized date questions must be one of the things women hold committee and vote on during all those communal bathroom visits.

So the latest women in my life asks what do you like to eat? At the moment for some reason I was craving breakfast sausage so I mentioned it, then like a binary link list I just started down the chain, oh bacon and gosh ham is awesome, pork chops, BBQ pulled pork and pork ribs are to die for…

Then suddenly an epiphany! All my favorite foods are pork based. Then upon further reflection it becomes obvious that clearly the pig is the most delicious animal on the planet. I mean nearly every single cut of this animal simply burtsts with flavor!

Then the double epiphany hits! Oh....MA....GAWD! (Literally!) After centuries of debate and bloody conflict proof positive that God prefers Christians!

Picture ancient Jerusalem where three major religions were based at the same time... Imagine a vengeful God pointing his finger and mocking the poor Jews and Muslims..."

Na na na na na! I created the best tasting animal you will ever know of and YOU can't have any! HAHA HA HAAAAA!!

(This might also explain why the Jews and Muslims are still fighting for centuries now. Porkus envy! Freud was sooooo close!)

Then think of all those religions that require vegetarianism- Christianity is the only religion (that I know of)  that gets to sample all the wonderful delicious foods God created for us guilt free! Well except I was raised Catholic and they make you feel guilt for even breathing! Shoot 30 years latter and those damned nuns still have me so messed up I still can't masturbate without guilt for making baby Jesus cry! Oh, sorry, drifting...

Yep, no more living in denial, Christians are clearly Gods spoilt children that get all the good presents at Christmas while the other kids get crap. You know, just like Christmas itself! :(

Sorry all you other religions! But jump on in, the ham casserole if freaking AWESOME! There is always room for more at the table.

So I have adapted the old bible camp song to reflect the new reality:

Jesus loves me, this I know
because the bible pork chops tell me so!


Oh that old WWII song might have to be revisited too...

Pass the ammo bacon and praise Jesus! (This heathen spell checker keeps suggesting Perseus for Jesus, Perseus really? lol)

So all you Christians out there, show your love, kill  a pig for Jesus today!

Lord Ganesha. 

Oh, as long as I am starting religious foment here let me add that I know from personal experience that jokes about the Hindu God Ganesha having peanut allergies are not freaking funny!

I thought the swelling and contortions made it obvious but every nerd learns sooner or later NEVER analyze some one else's religion. :)

It not just fun- its fecal fun!

Ok, for those who like to pretend that the things all our bodies do are disgusting please turn away now. ....



For those of you still with me I went camping for a few days last month. Which was stupid because it was still nice and sweaty hot out there! It sure looks nice in this photo though eh?!




Best of both worlds. Just kicking back! My Hybrid has a standard electrical outlet and 450 pounds of battery can drive a laptop for a loooong time! :) 

So I got pretty dehydrated out there and my old colon performed flawlessly because it strained every last essence of water from my poo. In fact, as I was trying to eject this brick from my body my internal I-pod pulled up and started playing “Like a rock”

In other words this was what I call an Incredible Hulk shit. You know, you are sitting there gritting your teeth, blood vessels are bulging from head and neck, your arms are on the wall pushing, pushing which starts your shirt to ripping, then you start to turn green from the pushing then this growling moan that hearkens back to more primitive man slips through your grinding teeth and clenched jaw! The neighborhood dogs even start howling in sympathy. Jedi half a galaxy away can feel the rippling in the force!

Then the “plunk!” that means the pain is over – for now

Yep the Incredible Hulk!
And in the pain and release of the male equivalent to child birth creativity sets and I start to laugh out out loud- I just
made up a Joke!

I love jokes but I am not a joke writer. My thing is story telling with hopefully humorous twists but I made up a real life question and answer joke right there on the ceramic throne.

Q. What do muscle cars, sex and bowel movements have in common?

A. The louder they are the better they are!

HA!

Going Old School (Owd Skoo!)

DOS
C:\DOS> cd \emotions\hopes\romance
C:\emotions\hopes\romance> del *.*

Unix
$> cd /emotions/hopes/romance
$> rm *

Windows or Mac
Where is that clicky thingy to throw folders into my trash can thingy?"

Empathy, Pro and Con

Quick ones today - Been staying busy! (YA! :)  )

My empathy thing again!

Ya just gotta feel bad for this guy. First he was a Chess Pawn. I mean it is the lowest rank in the game but at least being a Chess player gave him a touch a class. (Kinda like being a soccer style kicker in the NFL! )

Then they turned him into an ash tray. A freaking. ash. tray. Oh the degradation of it all.

The second hand smoke has him sick and terminal. Look at him all slumped over now. Between the cancer and the humiliation he can't even stand upright anymore. So, so sad!

Yet he is still on the job. Ya gotta respect that even if you feel horrible for how his life has just plummeted down hill!

But here is some happy empathy! (for a change)

I love the show Man Vs. Food on the Travel Channel. I like how he travels to cities large and small and does not just do the same old big cities all the time. Heck, he has even done TWO episodes here in Springpatch Illinois! He "takes" you to eateries the local people like as opposed to just the food critics.

Then for the last part of the show he takes on a big  food challage of some sort. It's a fun show!

Here is the empathy tie in though... But the best thing about "Man Vs. Food" is seeing that Fred Savage (from the TV Series "The wonder Years" and the movie "The Princess Bride") is still working and did not share the curse of so many child actors! !

It not about the north or the south side, its about the dark side!

Damn the Sith!

Dark Energy Driving the Universe Apart!

Angry Birds

Is everyone familiar with this cultural phenom?

You know, that simple little addictive phone game where the pigs are stealing the birds eggs so the birds are are getting all medieval on the pigs?

Well now you are! :)

Screen Shot of "Angry Birds".  See the happy but soon to be DEAD pigs?

Ok, a simple rule for the game, or any game. Before you get frustrated and start yelling things at the game be sure to take a look around and and notice who if anyone is around. While always a good rule it is doubly true if you playing while eating your lunch in "Trooper Memorial Park" right next door to State Police HQ....

"OH would you just DIE already you stupid FREAKING PIG!!!
"Excuse me?"
"Oh, OH! Not YOU officer, the game, on the phone! Angry Birds! I swear! No Really!"
"Keep your hands where I can see them, sir!"

Remember that ditty?

There was one of the innumerable infomercials selling music on TV. These were "oldies" so this song is before my time but I have heard it and it is a memorable tune but for the first time the words really "clicked" for me.

She's 16
she's beautiful
and she's mine!

Whoa! A tad disturbing there dontcha think?

Shorties

I was raised catholic and went to catholic school (with real live NUNS to boot) If anything will make you reject Catholicism when you grow up its nuns!


However I was watching a thing on the papacy on the history channel this weekend and as I watched it I had to rethink my whole position on the catholic faith. You get up in the morning and put on a really weird hat, slam down some wine, molest some kids, go to heaven! What a gig!

It's strangely like being a TSA agent

*************

Have you ever noticed that the people who will tell you ever so seriously about how the American Indian used every part of the animal and how fantastic it was that they wasted nothing are the exact same people who when offered a a hot dog (or bolgna) Will go into pratical hysterics "My God do you know what parts of the animal they use in that? Ewwwwwww"

Vegans

I was reading an article about vegans this morning. Interesting stuff. As you all know I *love* word origins and it turns out vegan is an old American Indian word meaning "Very shitty hunter".

 I just love how some languages can say so much with one word!

You know, it makes me wonder though if vegans have sex? I mean there is the whole aspect of do they have the stamina for it but I mean even philosophically are they allowed to have sex? Milking a cow does not hurt the cow it a bit. In fact, they need to be milked or utter destruction could occur (ar!) Yet vegans are not allowed to drink milk. 

Rules out oral for sure!

So in the same vein, er, train of thought, are male vegans even allowed to ejaculate? that sure seems like Sperm Murder to me!

Neanderthal bastards! Somebody throw some red paint on the sperm murdering bastards!

BABY KILLERS!

Confusing Headlines

Check this out this headline...

Apple under fire for 'gay conversion' app

When I first read the headline I thought they had an app to convert me to gay. On one hand that would be pretty kewl because then lots more women would be attracted to me.

One the other hand that app would be a silly waste of time to write because if I am male and I have an Apple then, clearly, I am already gay!

AR!

ps. Just a joke roomie. (But humor only works if there is a nugget of truth in it!)

A New Show Idea

 

 As if the the E! Network is not already unofficially the Kardashian channel they are getting ready to add yet another program to the Kardashian line up.

Wow, so how do any of these shows stay on the air anyway? Yes, The Kardashian girls are gorgeous. A given, but they are whiny, self possessed and annoying as hell. They are every bit as bad as conceited 13 year old's (since they were raised rich and spoiled 13 is probably about their correct emotional age and state)

Hey E! Here is an idea, How about turning the Kardashian's out into the wild and having big game hunters stalk and hunt them down them with tranquilizer guns? Now THAT is a show I would never miss!

Oh yeah, at least one of the hunters has to be Australian so we can get the whole crocodile hunter format thing going. Imagine all the following in an Aussie accent:

Oy,  look here mate, we are on the trail all right! We have spoor! A purple speckled toenail and a tuft of matted hair still stuck to the waxing strip! Clearly we are on the trail of a wild Kardashian. Sssh sssh, mate, if we listen carefully we can hear the mateing whine of the wild Kardashian..."

{enhanced fuzzy audio} "Nobody ever gives me any respect!  I can't believe I was not invited to her party! I mean I invited her to my party, why didn't she..."

"Yes, yes, mates, we are clearly closing in, quiet now, very quiet as the wild Kardashian can lash out with sharpened claws and really damage your eyes mate.... {stalking...stalking}



A sadly not so rare photo of a wild Kardashian beast in it's natural habitat.

 {wispering} Crickey! Look at that, we have found a wild Kardashian in her natural element, admiring herself in the mirror and whining incessantly. Now is the time to strike, lets shoot the tranq. (FOOONT)

Crickey she is a strong one mate, she is dazed but not going down! Looks like all that partying has built up her resistance to the tranqs! Looks like we need a second tranq for this beefy girl... (FOOONT)

My Gawd, she is still up- the force of self possession and self importance is strong in this one, Two tranqs and she is still stumbling around, we better end this before she hurts her self {FOONT FOONT)

And. she. is. down! It took 4 tranqs! What a trophy mates, what a trophy!

Well mates, that was a smacking good hunt eh? Tune in again and let's see which Kardashian falls next time on "Kardashian Hunters"! Only on E!