Saturday, June 25, 2011

Convenience stores are NOT convenient!

It took me a while to figure this out.

You have one maybe two cashiers covering 20 gas pumps plus the shoppers. So there is always a long ass line and the cashiers are always slow as molasses.

Then there is always at least one idiot who has to think up his lottery numbers on the spot. uh, 1.......uh......uh......12....and uh........ well.....uh 24...  GAH! 

So no more "convienence" stores for me. No more living the lie!

Thursday, June 16, 2011


Over at The Layers The Onion wrote "You have to pay attention to laundry."

What? You have to pay attention to laundry? Really? Why didn't I get this memo?

See I usually throw a load in the washer then a few days later when I have no clean undies left I will start sorting the dirty clothes to wash and then I will go "What? No clean undies in the drawer, and only a few dirty ones in the hamper? Where in the hell are all my undies? Have my prayers been answered and I finally have a stalker stealing my undies?

Then Erica (seemingly having minor psychic powers) will say, "Hey Rob, your clothes have been in the washer for a week, mind getting them out so I can do a load?

OH! So there are all my undies! Awwww, another dream of being stalked dies on the vine!

Ah, a day in the nerdy life

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Date From Hell

As I mentioned earlier I used Internet dating sites for a while.

One of my many astute observations in life (IMHO) is that if you meet someone lonely it is self imposed. Generally via a bunch of preconditions. "Well the person I date can't do X and they can't have Y and they  SHOULD have Z and they have to be between C and D and blah blah blah blah. Show me a lonely person and I'll show you at least two people interested in them that they have ruled out for some (usually odd) reason. Then it's "I can't understand why I'm sooooo alone...."

I can.

So I have refused to allow myself to go down that road. I am willing to talk to anyone with no preconditions and and if I like them, go out. The fact that we find each other interesting is the *only* thing that matters to me. I kinda follow Clint Eastwood's philosophy in Heartbreak Ridge, "You can rob me, you can starve me...and you can beat me and you can kill me. Just don't bore me." :)

(On an interesting side, note I would much prefer to date non smokers but for some odd reason every single woman I have dated has been a smoker! My hypothesis is that I only appeal to women with self destructive tendencies. :)  )

So, on to the meat of the story. I met "Amy" on an Internet dating site. She is a college senior finishing up her nursing degree. I married as a teen but I was married for 25 years(!). So I was married longer than this women has been alive. OBVIOUSLY we have an age gap. However, she is a sci-fi fan and we love many of the same books and we exchanged MANY e-mails and had MANY delightful conversations. Even though we were both wary about the age difference we both agree that we have something and we should meet.

So I set up a date at The Outback on a Friday night. (For good or bad I consider this the perfect first date spot, it's mid range enough you'll not get tagged as a "cheapskate", yet not so pretentious that someone is uncomfortable being there! Plus hey, they have good food!)

So I met Amy there and it started wrong right away. She was speaking "urban", "Sheet Dawg, what be yo shizzle gansta mo fo?" (Sorry, I don't have an urban to American dictionary so I am not sure if that makes sense or not) I was a bit alarmed but we had so MANY good e-mails I was not ready to run yet. I figured she was just nervous and this was a "phase"

So we ordered a couple of drinks while we waited on our food. Being Friday night they were jam packed so we waited a bit and we had a couple more drinks. Alas, her "phase" shows no sign of relenting. After 3 margaritas she is getting loud AND slipping deeper into "urban" AND adding some loud profanity to boot! Oy vey!

As a nerd,  oblivion to social signals is part of my make up. However,  even with my +7 Oblivion stylus and my +22 Oblivion Droid smart phone,  I can still pick up on the turned heads and the occasional glares. I am trying to quiet her down but apparently my urban is not good enough to effectively communicate with her.

The embarrassment on my part is already reaching epic proportions when the manager came over and said to ME, "Sir, if you can't control your daughter we are going to have to ask you to leave."

OH dear Lord. Date.From.Hell!

PS I caught myself in a lie.. " I said " I am willing to talk to anyone with no preconditions and and if I like them, go out." That should read  "I am willing to talk to any woman with no preconditions and and if I like them, go out" There was this pre-op tranny that was quite pretty and our e-mails were shaping up nicely but after a few conversations HE decided he should let me know he was still pre-op.

Man with all my oblivion points I sure am glad he told me! That could a been AWKWARD to find out out in the heat of passion, "Oh you are so beautiful, ooooo lets just slide this down... Hey, HEY, HEY! What is that thing doing here!" Sorry, dude, I do have a firm "only one penis at the party rule" :)

Friday, June 10, 2011

Can you smell it?

The smell of genuine Redneck Brand Testosterone hanging thick and heavy in the humid heat of central Illinois?

Are you sure? It's pretty potent.

I remember when I was a kid, bicycles were pretty manly. I mean there was nothing misogynistic about it but they used to sell bicycles guys would like AND they sold bicycles that girls would like.Completely unlike the androgynous bicycle wasteland we live in now. Back then girls would put their stuffed animals in the wicker basket and boys would build ramps and jump over things and break bones like boys are supposed to do.

Look at this marvel of manliness from my childhood...

Oh Yeah, that is the shit buddy!
Note the springer front end, the seat mounted on shock absorbers, the big phallic gear shift. Note the manly  DRUM brake on the front wheel! No little sissy ass pencil erasers squeezing your wheel rim, no we actually had brakes back then! (I realize modern riders probably don't believe me but back in the day we ROUTINELY laid skid marks with our brakes that actually worked! No! Really!)

Then something happened and bicycles started to get all sissy like. In my opinion it started off with forcing kids to wear pads to ride their bikes. OH no! My precious baby-darling might get a scrape. OH the mental anguish of it all. {geesh!}

Then god forbid, men, already feminised with pads in their formative years, started wearing spandex pants and Styrofoam helmets. (spandex is like bikini bottoms, Totally awesome on the lovely sex, traumatizing to children of all ages on males!)

Manly bike helmet is an oxymoron. Then add spandex pants and you are talking a prison inmates dream date now!

Sorry I drifted, we were talking about testosterone right? Aha, here is the source of that lovely aroma!

Man Bike - Who needs testosterone supplements? Here ya go, pure Redneck Brand Testosterone. It's the hairiest!
MMMMMMMmmmmm good! Oh now THAT is a manly man's bike! Yeah baby! If you click the picture and zoom in its clear this is a home made job. Note the strategic use of electrical tape holding the coil to the frame and keeping the loose wires out of the way.

Looking at this picture just makes me feel good to live in a world where not EVERYONE has been feminized yet. There are still one or two free range men men scrabbling about. Thank God.

This is my kind of creative redneck folks.... and I'll betcha a dollar he does not wear knee pads!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Going Old School (Owd Skoo!)

C:\DOS> cd \emotions\hopes\romance
C:\emotions\hopes\romance> del *.*

$> cd /emotions/hopes/romance
$> rm *

Windows or Mac
Where is that clicky thingy to throw folders into my trash can thingy?"

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Empathy, Pro and Con

Quick ones today - Been staying busy! (YA! :)  )

My empathy thing again!

Ya just gotta feel bad for this guy. First he was a Chess Pawn. I mean it is the lowest rank in the game but at least being a Chess player gave him a touch a class. (Kinda like being a soccer style kicker in the NFL! )

Then they turned him into an ash tray. A freaking. ash. tray. Oh the degradation of it all.

The second hand smoke has him sick and terminal. Look at him all slumped over now. Between the cancer and the humiliation he can't even stand upright anymore. So, so sad!

Yet he is still on the job. Ya gotta respect that even if you feel horrible for how his life has just plummeted down hill!

But here is some happy empathy! (for a change)

I love the show Man Vs. Food on the Travel Channel. I like how he travels to cities large and small and does not just do the same old big cities all the time. Heck, he has even done TWO episodes here in Springpatch Illinois! He "takes" you to eateries the local people like as opposed to just the food critics.

Then for the last part of the show he takes on a big  food challage of some sort. It's a fun show!

Here is the empathy tie in though... But the best thing about "Man Vs. Food" is seeing that Fred Savage (from the TV Series "The wonder Years" and the movie "The Princess Bride") is still working and did not share the curse of so many child actors! !