Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I command thee!

Ok, I hesitate to tell this story. *I* think it is hilarious but it may come off a tad perverted. (I can already hear CrazyMamma "Tad? TAD?)

However, the highest compliment I have ever been paid on this site was by former reader Taj and Jules from House of Jules. They once debated in my comments whether I was perverted perfectly or perfectly perverted. Awwww, isn't that sweet? :)

But here it goes I am going to let this one out of the bag.

I was once on this dating site that when you sent e-mail you could look in your sent folder and see the status of it in the recipients inbox., unread, read and kept, deleted.

So I saw the profile of a very attractive women and her profile said she was a sub and looking for a dom. I was married for a looooooong time so I actually had to google these terms and go "Ohhhhhhh!" I usually Tailor an e-mail to the profile (to show I actually cared enough to READ it not just e-mailing to pretty photo's.)

 However, I'm not just not a Dom type guy, I actually *like* women and want a partner not a slave, so I went ahead and wrote my usual kind of letter. It was deleted almost immediately. I pondered that for a bit and an evil idea crept into my head.  
I wrote the following e-mail to her the next day (paraphrased from memory. )
Do as I tell you! Do not hesitate!
Right now get your camera.
Find a mirror.
Take your top off.
Take a picture of your breasts.
Send me the picture.
She did not send me a picture of her boobs BUT SHE DID NOT DELTE THE LETTER! It was flagged "read and kept" until her account was off lined!
Now I thought that was hilarious! It was backwards world. The letter that SHOULD have been deleted was kept! (we can debate if my sweet letter should have been kept or not. Lots of women read my letter, look at my photo/profile and delete. say la vie) but without a doubt a "SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS"  letter should be junked immediately!
Of course if you disagree, by all means feel free to send me a pic or two! :) As Ron White says, "Once you've seen one set of boobs, you know you want to see the rest of them"

(speaking of Taj, she would prolly be the one emailing me commanding me to send her a pics of my chest!)!

PS! It just NOW occurs to me years too late that if I had sent that sub girl another e-mail getting more bossy and threatening punishment I probably would have gotten a picture not too mention a date! ROFL!)

((God as long as we are on stories labeled Internet dating hell, remind me to tell you all about the nursing student! Oy Vey!))

Friday, May 27, 2011

Nerdy Movies that Transend Nerdom

Since it is a holiday weekend you might have some downtime so here are some ideas!

I have tried to make a list of really good nerd movies that no one has seen. If you have not seen the following movies you really really should. Yes, they are nerd movies on the surface so most 'danes blow them off and misss a really good show for it. However they are soooo good you will be glad you did see them!

Bicentennial Man.  - Based on an Issac Asimov story. Asimov is considered one of the three grand deans of Science Fiction.

This is one of the best sci-fi movies ever made though there is very little "sci-fi" in it. Only something on the order of 12 people have ever seen it! Nine of them I held at gun point and forced them to watch until they were hooked on their own! (Average time required to put down fire arm; 12-18 minutes ;)  )

Robert Heinlein (another of the three grand deans) said that good Sci-fi is always about the the people, the characters. Oh certainly people who are impacted  in some way by the technology in their life but it's still about the people. This movie totally NAILS that concept. Even if some of them are not even technically people! :)

After you see this movie you WILL thank me for it. Ignore the rest of this post if you like, you MUST see this movie! Don't make me get my gun! :)

Please come back and comment after you see it. I really want to know what you thought.

October Sky - The true story of how the launch of Sputnik affected the lives of a group of high school kids in a poor mining town. Its is one of the best movies you have have never seen. Laura Dern's character is truly special and it may be the only Jake Gyllenhaal movie made where he does not make you feel vaguely uncomfortable. :)

I.Q. - Meg Ryan, Tim Robbins, Walter Mathou. That really should be enough for you to want to see it. BUT OH MAH DEAR GAWD! MEG RYAN AS A HUUUUUGE MATH NERD. Oh my heart! I could actually feel it melting and running down into my legs. Well maybe that was the popcorn butter but STILL! Wow!

Then other than his incredible good looks and the fact that I was an aircraft mechanic instead of auto, Tim Robbins character was written after me. Yup! (even if the writers did not know it!)

Real Genius - A very young Val Kilmer (Pre- Top Gun) stars in this flick about child geniuses in college. Not a serious flick by any means but it's a lot of good goofy nerdy fun. If you knew any nerds in college the "life in the dorms" parts of the film are pretty damned funny!

Nerd Guy - "I can't pee while your watching me"
Nerd Gal  - "That's weird. Why not"

It's a solid 9 on the nerd-o-meter!

Galaxy Quest Hmmmmm, I debate; I'm not sure if its obscure enough for this list. Among nerdom it is well known (unlike the most of the others listed here) but I am not sure how well known outside of nerddom! Either way, you can't go wrong in seeing it. Alan Rickman finally shook off the Klaus typecasting in this film freeing him up for "Marvin" (next review) and ultimately Snape.

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - Ah, originally written by one of the writers for "Monty Python's Flying Circus" (Douglas Admas) This is the first comedy sci-fi I know of. And its pretty darned good comedy too...

"I decided long ago I would rather be happy than rich."
"So, are you happy?"
"Well...Now, that is where the plan falls down now is'nt it?"

Alan Rickman as the voice of Marvin the depressed robot is pure art!

"Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take you to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, 'cause I don't."

Marvin: I've been talking to the ship's computer.
Arthur: And?
Marvin: (Dripping with venom) It hates me.

Ok, to finish this lame post up - invest a measly 3 minutes of your life in this old animated song. The graphics were high tech at one time! I adore the campiness though and parts of the tune have just a bit of the old brain worm effect going. This may be the only rap song I have ever liked (even though the Yoda segment is the only really "rappy" part)

I know, you are hesititing now! Show some trust! You'll like it, I promise! It's only 3 minutes! what do you have to loose,

Darth Vader "Churning the butter!" Really? Does life get any better than that?

("Owwwww, why'd you slice off my hand?!")
Your welcome!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

A Northerner thing?

When I'm Springfield I stay in what for all intents and purposes is a Corporate apartment with multiple users.

That kind of life is generally a short term deal but I have been staying here with Erika off and on (mostly on) for the better part of 5 years now. Since I have been steady we have had about 12-13 "room mates" over the years who have come to Springfield for short term stays..

Three of them have been from Chicago.

Two of that three have had this "thing" about keeping the bathroom door shut all the time.

So I was whining commenting to Erika, what is this bizarre thing? I have never heard of it. Toilet seat wars sure. Bathroom door closed? I've never heard of this.

Erika replies that she has heard of it, Perhaps it is a "hide the room where "dirty" things happen" thing?

Jules you out there? Is this a "Chicago thing"?

Either way this concept just hurts my head.

What is this a 50's sit com where the "impure" potty room does not exist and the married couple sleep in twin beds separated by a censor appointed minimum of 2 feet 7.5 inches?

I like to believe I am a creature of logic and reason so:

1) When you take a shower the bathroom gets very humid. If you keep the door shut and don't allow fresh air circulation, your wall paper/paint will be damaged over time and even worse you will probably end up with mold and mildew; With both smells bad and can be a health hazard.

2) I realize the base realities of life may be "TMI" for some weak minded people but for you mature people out there lets face it, we do things in there that don't always smell nice. Again, some basic air circulation cures that little problem. I don't want to smell what happened in there yesterday!

Both of these really apply this time of year when the weather is too nice to run the heat OR air conditioning.

3) And this one is BIG. If the door is shut how do you know weather someone is in there or not? What? You are supposed to knock on the the door every single time you use it? Really? In what bizarre parallel universe does this make sense?

I went to use the bathroom the other night, the light is on and the door is shut. Normally a clear sign of "ocupado" but I can't tell anymore so I knock on the door... yep, our Chicagoan is in there.

I do gotta go but it's not "epic" yet. So I go putter in the kitchen, fix a snack, chat with Erika. Every couple of minutes I lean back, look down the hall and and check the bathroom door. Light on, door closed. After a while hydraulic pressure is starting to build. I start doing the doing the pee pee dance. I walk back that way to put something in my room and notice the Chicagoan's bedroom door was open before but now it's closed.

Oh no!

So I knock on the bathroom door. Yeah its empty and who knows how long I been hopping foot to foot while it was empty. Grrrrrr.

Ok, so I gave three solid logical reasons NOT to close the door when not in use. Can anyone give me ONE logical reason to shut it?

Thank you for listening, thus concludes Rob's bizarre rant of the Day.

ps. Don't get me wrong he is nice guy and there is ALWAYS going to be a little friction where ever moving people are involved. This is a minor thing - BUT blogworthy,  no?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Of course, pilots are lucky too!

I know the Brits do not have all the puritan hang ups we North Americans do but WOW!

Monday, May 23, 2011

It's not just a T shirt.

I have been having writers block on any kind of funny story for a week or so now. So I am going to do something rare and be serious here today.

Run while you can. Its never pretty when I get serious.

I am a slooooooooooooow learner. I also have the curse of empathy. I can feel others pain. Damn it.

Back in the late 80's I lived in Little Rock Arkansas. I don't know how much has changed since then but at that time Arkansas had three things going for it. It was a state of natural beauty, it was the most overtly racist place I ever lived (I could write a slew of depressing posts on that topic alone) and like racism wife beating was common and socially acceptable

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter in Little Rock for a little while. After the fourth time I watched a lovely intelligent women come in battered and bloody then GO HOME with the sick sumbish a few days later (He has changed now!) I really could not take it anymore. I simply am not tough enough. That stupid empathy thing.

Fast forward a few years.

A nice young couple moved in next door. They had been there about a month or so when on a Saturday night I was sitting on my porch drinking a beer. Their kitchen curtains were open about 3 or 4 inches and a fast movement past the curtain caught my eye. He had her by her long hair pulling it back and down to turn her face upward making it much easier to smack around.

I am not a violent man (I'm sticking to that story too) and this guy was ten years younger than me and in far better physical shape. Logic was in no way involved though. I was seeing though this small red tunnel filled with floating white dots as I bashed in through his front door. At that point he had her by the throat but he audaciously yells at me "What they fuck do you think you're doing?"

As I strode purposefully across the front room to the kitchen I did not answer out loud but I was thinking "About to get my ass kicked by a much younger stronger guy!"

I guess something about my demeanor tipped him off though because suddenly he let go of her, dropped to the floor, curled up into a fetal position and started begging me not to hurt him. I do not mean laid down, I mean he DROPPED to the floor. I had been bracing to get my ass kicked so I was taken aback just a bit.

The words of my hero/philosopher Robert A. Heinlein popped into my head at that moment- "Bullies do not want to fight, they just want to hurt people." Ah that explains his behavior but sadly that sword cuts both ways. At that moment I was a bully because all I wanted to do was hurt him. What have I become? All my fury for the bastard evaporated once I realized what a worthless little chicken shit he really was cowering and begging on the floor. Well for a few milliseconds. Then I looked up at her bloody face and then I was on the floor too whaling on his crying curled up ass. Wish I could say I regret my loss of control but beating a wife beater feels good. Feels damn good.

Guess who grabbed my arms and begged me to stop? I'll never forget those words "STOP! Your hurting him!"

It was the women's shelter all over again.

I stopped for her but I made him grab some clothes and leave. He tried to come back a few times but as soon as he pulled in his drive way the tunnel vision would return and out my door I would charge. Then he would rapidly back out of the drive way. After a week or two of this I started to think "Maybe, just maybe  I can save just this one."

Ah self delusion is so important!

She moved out so she could be with him again. She was nice enough though to stop by my house while the movers were loading up to let me know that she could not stand to live next door to me anymore what with my interfering with her life and oh, yeah, she *hated* me for the damage I did to her relationship.

How sweet of her.

Fast forward a few years.

My littlest sister married one of these bastards.

That is all I have to say about that.

Fast forward a few years to a month ago...

Remember my story "Tall Tales"- Read the first 5 paragraphs again.

As I said in the story I made several friends that night including the attractive blond showing off her scars and her husband. I have spent several evenings at their house since.

I had uneasy feelings though and stopped going over there.

The last two Saturday nights in a row. I have been awakened by the girl with the scars asking for help. At least she is smart enough to run out of the house mid beating. Then she calls me and like the slow learning dumb ass I am I crawl out of a warm comfy bed to get her and take her someplace safe and listen to her woes.

Both times she is back with him within 24 hours.

So how many decades does it take a nerdy redneck to learn? ">= 4"

The tough question is what am I gonna do next time? I tell myself I won't even answer the damned phone and just go back to sleep.

But I know I won't.

Self delusion is so important though.

Speaking of which- why the fuck do these women go back to their abusers? My mom did things to me until I grew up enough that I was physically strong enough to stop her. When I was 16 I joined the Air Force and got away from her and never, EVER went back.

When I went to her funeral my relatives kept saying to me "My god, you are so strong! How can you not cry at your own mothers funeral" I would just stare at them. They were there. Ya know when I "fell" through the glass coffee table or when I ran into that door and got all those stitches in the side of my head.   The question is why would I cry at her funeral. But I guess it's hard to believe your sister/wife/aunt/niece is a monster so you wonder aloud what is wrong with ME not to cry at her funeral.

Self delusion is so important.

But no, I'm not bitter, why do you ask? :)

Thanks for letting me blitch tho. Wish I could say I felt better now. 26 hours of sleep did not help either. I had a bout of hysterical laughter going last night. That might of helped but apparently hysterical laughter is disturbing to the roommates. Go figure. My bad.

Damned Empathy!

Ok, I will try to be funny (well as close as I get to it anyway) again soon.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Blogger is back up!

It was down for days and days. Now I can't remember any of those truly AWESOME stories I wanted to write while it was down.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Aftermath and thanks

Continuing from yesterday's story. I had the rollover accident in the early morning on the way to work. The emergency room released me about noon.

When I got home I called the firehouse to check the schedule. The crew that rescued me would be on duty until Noon tomorrow. So I called the Kroger's Bakery dept and put in an order and took a nap until the time they told me my order would be ready.

When I woke up I went and picked up my order and while I was there I picked up several cases of soda in a variety of flavors then headed for the firehouse "my" crew worked at. I really wanted to buy a keg of beer but I thought that might be frowned on! :)

When my buddy that talked me through the extraction saw the biggest sheet cake Kroger's makes that said "Thanks a million guys!!!" on it with little firemen related motifs every where he started to get real, uh, misty eyed, which in turn made everything get blurry for me.

In my usual playful tone I asked him,  "What the hell are you getting emotional for? I was the one scared to death until your hand came through that hole where my window was supposed to be."
"Rob, I been doing this for 10 years now. On average we cut open a vehicle and free trapped people about once a week. In 10 years you are the first person that ever come by after wards to say thank you let alone throwing us a little party."

Can you believe that? I still struggle with that; Nobody ever said "thank you" before? Those guys were and are my personal heroes. How could you be freed from being trapped in mangled steel with very hots fluids very close by and NOT feel overwhelming gratitude for your liberators?

That reminds me, I think I need to throw them another little party!

Oh and have I mentioned- FIREMEN RULE! :)

Monday, May 9, 2011

Doctor Tales II

In 2000 in Frisco Texas (Northern Suburb of Dallas) I got clobbered by an unlicensed uninsured illegal alien driving a tractor trailer dump truck full of gravel. He weighed approximately 70,000 pounds at the time.

My vehicle rolled 3 1/2 times. The roof collapsed down and I was pinned to the seat upside down.

I am not claustrophobic but I felt it then, alone, upside down, it's pretty dark in there and  I can't move. Then the imagination takes over. What if hot water comes out of the engine, or fuel? I'll just sit here and burn! Men are not supposed to admit to fear but I am a nerd so I will gladly admit I was scared. (However not panicked or stupid! "Fear is the mind killer"). Within in 5 minutes though,  a Fireman's hand comes through the small gap that used to be a window,  grabs my hand and says "You OK? We will have you out of there in a minute. He held my hand and talked to me for the next 20 minutes while a small team jacked and blocked up the truck then cut it open with up BIG manly tools and pulled me out of there!

Oh, if you think there is anything even remotely gay about holding hands with a fireman of the same sex, you have never been pinned in car upside down in the dark! :) So I LOVE firemen!

One fireman took this shot at the scene.

Dragging my ass out of the wreckage.  Firemen RULE!
(Note how they jacked up the rear end so they could pull the roof down to free me!)

I took this shot at the junk yard later...

That roof is awfully close to the seat! {shiver}

That's not the funny part of the story though!

I came out of it completely unscathed but no one would believe me! The firemen wanted to load me into an ambulance and take me to the hospital. I just wanted to get to work. But when the one guy who was talking me through it while the other guys cut me out said, "Please? For me? I would feel so much better if you got checked out." how could I possibly say no?

So on the way to the emergency room they went through this routine where they ran their hands all over my body then moved my extremities through range of motion and kept asking me of if I felt anything any numbness, pain etc. Then shortly after getting to the emergency room. A nurse ran through the identical exercise, then (10 year old memories get fuzzy) someone else (possibly a intern/resident?) went through the exact same process. I am a nerd, I hate inefficiency. A double check is good. Three times is waste.

Then about a 1/2 hour went by with nothing going on. Then a middle aged fellow came in, introduced himself as my doctor and proceeded to repeat the same procedure again. AGAIN?

 Feels and moves my left arm "Any pain or numbness?"
Feels and moves my right arm "Any pain or numbness?"
Feels and moves my left leg "Any pain or numbness?"
"Nope",  by now I am getting bored and decide to have a little fun.
Feels and moves my right leg... As he lifted my leg up at about 45 degrees I gasped and put a look of shock and concern on my face!

He goes "What? What is it?"

"Doc, both my legs just went numb when you did that!"

I saw the look of shock/fear/concern come over *his* face!

"KIDDING DOC Kidding!"

So with a big grin and a relived look he said "Oh you are gonna be one of those kind of patients huh?" My only reply was an impish smirk.  "Yeah, well just remember, paybacks are a mother and I have all the sharp instruments!"

I liked him right away!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Doctor Tales (I)

When my son was about 11 I was building a a plane in my garage.
One Neighbor asked if I was building a boat

What? No plane in YOUR garage?Well me neither anymore.  :) 

It was a fiber glass plane so surface prep and cleanliness are critical to good bonding so I had a large basket of clean rags and lots of denatured alcohol handy for cleaning any surface prior to laying down any fiberglass.

Of Course, as required by law in the south I have rolls of duct tape just every where.

So my son was taking out the trash and he is swinging the trash bag to and fro as he strolled through the garage out to the alley. Apparently there is a broken mayo jar in the trash and a big chunk of glass is sticking through the side of the trash bag. As Brian swings the bag he really slashed his leg as the glass sung by.

So I hear him yelling for help, I run out to the garage and though it's only been seconds there is already a largish pool of blood on the floor, he got himself good on that one!

Well the old Boy Scout First Aid training kicked in and said "pressure bandage" I reached into my clean rag hamper folded a hand towel sized rag into a 4 inch square and clamped it over the cut with my hand then started looking around for something to to hold it on with.... AHA! Duct tape! So I wrapped duct tape moderately tightly around leg and over the 'bandage', threw him in the truck and had him in the emergency room in less than 5 minutes.

The doctor came into the treatment room, took one look at the duct tape bandage started laughing and said, "Oh man! I gotta get a picture of this!" He was laughing and taking several pictures so I was feeling pretty self conscious that the finds my patch work so funny! I start to explain what happened and even though he was still laughing he says, "Oh no, you did the right thing! I just have a collection of 'things I have seen people do with duct tape' picutes but this is absolutly the first medical use of duct tape I have ever seen! AWESOME!"

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

There but for the grace of God...

No wait, I do go there!

I am the worlds WORST at names. I blame my general nerdyness for this!

Like Will Rogers I never forget a face and when I see your face I have a VERY good memory about our shared past (be it personal or professional) but most times I will NOT remember your blinking name!

THEN I have this deal that if I learn your name wrong I probably will never get it right in the future. Once I have managed to burn it into the neurons it's there forever, right or wrong!

As a consequence I refer to the world as bud, buddy, amigo, compadre, partner etc.

"Hey Bud! Long time no time! Whacha been up to amigo?"

Sigh. Yes I know it's terrible.

One of my few redeeming qualities though is I am not a hypocrite. Unlike some people I can name, I wont live in an 8,000 square foot house and fly in a biz jet that burns 113 gallons of fuel an hour then lecture you on your carbon footprint.

So, I met a woman few weeks ago. Somehow, just like I do, she learned my name wrong. She calls me Rich instead of Rob.  I corrected her a couple of times at first but then since I understand the syndrome I just let it go and I am getting pretty good at answering to Rich/Richard.

What makes this story funny though is that in her case it seems her name mangling is an hereditary trait! I went to a family picnic thing with her last Sunday and as she introduced me to each of her family members as Rich I would immediately say "Actually it's Rob, nice to meet you!"
"Nice to meet you too Rich!"

Now her whole family calls me Richard!

Since I am NOT a hypocrite though I just laugh uproariously on the inside and grin on the outside and answer to Rich

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Angry Birds

Is everyone familiar with this cultural phenom?

You know, that simple little addictive phone game where the pigs are stealing the birds eggs so the birds are are getting all medieval on the pigs?

Well now you are! :)

Screen Shot of "Angry Birds".  See the happy but soon to be DEAD pigs?

Ok, a simple rule for the game, or any game. Before you get frustrated and start yelling things at the game be sure to take a look around and and notice who if anyone is around. While always a good rule it is doubly true if you playing while eating your lunch in "Trooper Memorial Park" right next door to State Police HQ....

"OH would you just DIE already you stupid FREAKING PIG!!!
"Excuse me?"
"Oh, OH! Not YOU officer, the game, on the phone! Angry Birds! I swear! No Really!"
"Keep your hands where I can see them, sir!"

Monday, May 2, 2011

Irony Divine

I was at my desk sucking on a lifesaver candy. (only 10 calories and you can enjoy it for quite a while!)

My bud walked up behind me and startled me! I inhaled my lifesaver and started choking. My bud smacked my back and we got it back up.

So, I was nearly killed by a lifesaver.

Remember that ditty?

There was one of the innumerable infomercials selling music on TV. These were "oldies" so this song is before my time but I have heard it and it is a memorable tune but for the first time the words really "clicked" for me.

She's 16
she's beautiful
and she's mine!

Whoa! A tad disturbing there dontcha think?