Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Dishonor

Kwaii Lo! Your Christmas gift brings great dishonor to my house and your once proud family!

Go now in shame and pray that in the future you can perform some great task of sacrifice to wash the stain of shame from both our houses.

NOW GO!

Does your shame know no boundries Kwai Lo?

Monday, November 14, 2011

Thats what I like!

I remember when I was about 12 or so I went to the local bar and grill with my Papa (Pronounced Paw-paw) He was a mountain of a man, devoutly religious and soft spoken. So imagine my SHOCK when the waitres asked him how he wanted his coffee and he answered, "I like my coffee just like my women, light and sweet!"

Papa flirting with a waitress!? AS I said shocking!

However its a great joke! No matter how you like your coffee you can make it fit!

So this weekend  I was able to bring a variation to the theme when I explained to my new room mate that I like my milk (moo Juice!) the same way I like my women, white and frigid!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I'm Pissed!

Yes again!

You mean to tell me I been parking at the 100 acre box stores and all I had to do was just find one of these green boxes and help myself - FOR FREE!


So, who ever did not send me this memo is in for it! BIG TIME


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Redneck Award #2 (The Reddy!)

I humbly bow before this master of redneckdom! Here is a person who obviously has spent a lifetime perfecting the redneck arts! At first I thought it MUST be abandoned but note the contemporary decorations!

Man this guy is GOOD!

You want a twist! This shanty overlooks a very prestigious private golf course! Ya know, the kind of place where regardless of my income I would not be allowed to join. I am not quite as obnoxious as Rodney Dangerfield's character in Caddy Shack but I am striving to improve. I run my obnoxity flash cards and exercises every day! Someday I hope to achieve the masters skill but alas, for now, I am an apprentice

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Jihad!

I am pretty agnostic when it comes to religion. Yet from the seemingly oddest of casual conversations my random access brain solved a centuries old religious question. (Humble aint I?) Empiricism is dead in the rest of the world (eg Global warming) but I still respect it immensely. So here is actual proof of a major religions tenet!

It all started on a first date. It seems to be one of those ‘standard’ “getting to know you questions”. Every single woman I have dated will ask, “So what do you like to eat”?

I guess this list of standardized date questions must be one of the things women hold committee and vote on during all those communal bathroom visits.

So the latest women in my life asks what do you like to eat? At the moment for some reason I was craving breakfast sausage so I mentioned it, then like a binary link list I just started down the chain, oh bacon and gosh ham is awesome, pork chops, BBQ pulled pork and pork ribs are to die for…

Then suddenly an epiphany! All my favorite foods are pork based. Then upon further reflection it becomes obvious that clearly the pig is the most delicious animal on the planet. I mean nearly every single cut of this animal simply burtsts with flavor!

Then the double epiphany hits! Oh....MA....GAWD! (Literally!) After centuries of debate and bloody conflict proof positive that God prefers Christians!

Picture ancient Jerusalem where three major religions were based at the same time... Imagine a vengeful God pointing his finger and mocking the poor Jews and Muslims..."

Na na na na na! I created the best tasting animal you will ever know of and YOU can't have any! HAHA HA HAAAAA!!

(This might also explain why the Jews and Muslims are still fighting for centuries now. Porkus envy! Freud was sooooo close!)

Then think of all those religions that require vegetarianism- Christianity is the only religion (that I know of)  that gets to sample all the wonderful delicious foods God created for us guilt free! Well except I was raised Catholic and they make you feel guilt for even breathing! Shoot 30 years latter and those damned nuns still have me so messed up I still can't masturbate without guilt for making baby Jesus cry! Oh, sorry, drifting...

Yep, no more living in denial, Christians are clearly Gods spoilt children that get all the good presents at Christmas while the other kids get crap. You know, just like Christmas itself! :(

Sorry all you other religions! But jump on in, the ham casserole if freaking AWESOME! There is always room for more at the table.

So I have adapted the old bible camp song to reflect the new reality:

Jesus loves me, this I know
because the bible pork chops tell me so!


Oh that old WWII song might have to be revisited too...

Pass the ammo bacon and praise Jesus! (This heathen spell checker keeps suggesting Perseus for Jesus, Perseus really? lol)

So all you Christians out there, show your love, kill  a pig for Jesus today!

Lord Ganesha. 
Oh, as long as I am starting religious foment here let me add that I know from personal experience that jokes about the Hindu God Ganesha having peanut allergies are not freaking funny!

I thought the swelling and contortions made it obvious but every nerd learns sooner or later NEVER analyze some one else's religion. :)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

It not just fun- its fecal fun!

Ok, for those who like to pretend that the things all our bodies do are disgusting please turn away now. ....



For those of you still with me I went camping for a few days last month. Which was stupid because it was still nice and sweaty hot out there! It sure looks nice in this photo though eh?!



Best of both worlds. Just kicking back! My Hybrid has a standard electrical outlet and 450 pounds of battery can drive a laptop for a loooong time! :) 

So I got pretty dehydrated out there and my old colon performed flawlessly because it strained every last essence of water from my poo. In fact, as I was trying to eject this brick from my body my internal I-pod pulled up and started playing “Like a rock”

In other words this was what I call an Incredible Hulk shit. You know, you are sitting there gritting your teeth, blood vessels are bulging from head and neck, your arms are on the wall pushing, pushing which starts your shirt to ripping, then you start to turn green from the pushing then this growling moan that hearkens back to more primitive man slips through your grinding teeth and clenched jaw! The neighborhood dogs even start howling in sympathy. Jedi half a galaxy away can feel the rippling in the force!

Then the “plunk!” that means the pain is over – for now

Yep the Incredible Hulk!
And in the pain and release of the male equivalent to child birth creativity sets and I start to laugh out out loud- I just
made up a Joke!

I love jokes but I am not a joke writer. My thing is story telling with hopefully humorous twists but I made up a real life question and answer joke right there on the ceramic throne.

Q. What do muscle cars, sex and bowel movements have in common?

A. The louder they are the better they are!

HA!


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Back in the saddle again.

Ahh back at work for the state government again!

I have actually gotten so acclimated to life at state agencies that I get this odd feeling that something is not right with the world if there are no blatant safety/efficiency issues in plain sight.

Look at this shot taken from my desk chair....


Ahhhhhh! I feel so much better now! All is right with the world!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Convenience stores are NOT convenient!

It took me a while to figure this out.

You have one maybe two cashiers covering 20 gas pumps plus the shoppers. So there is always a long ass line and the cashiers are always slow as molasses.

Then there is always at least one idiot who has to think up his lottery numbers on the spot. uh, 1.......uh......uh......12....and uh........ well.....uh 24...  GAH! 

So no more "convienence" stores for me. No more living the lie!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Laundry

Over at The Layers The Onion wrote "You have to pay attention to laundry."

What? You have to pay attention to laundry? Really? Why didn't I get this memo?

See I usually throw a load in the washer then a few days later when I have no clean undies left I will start sorting the dirty clothes to wash and then I will go "What? No clean undies in the drawer, and only a few dirty ones in the hamper? Where in the hell are all my undies? Have my prayers been answered and I finally have a stalker stealing my undies?

Then Erica (seemingly having minor psychic powers) will say, "Hey Rob, your clothes have been in the washer for a week, mind getting them out so I can do a load?

OH! So there are all my undies! Awwww, another dream of being stalked dies on the vine!

Ah, a day in the nerdy life

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Date From Hell

As I mentioned earlier I used Internet dating sites for a while.

One of my many astute observations in life (IMHO) is that if you meet someone lonely it is self imposed. Generally via a bunch of preconditions. "Well the person I date can't do X and they can't have Y and they  SHOULD have Z and they have to be between C and D and blah blah blah blah. Show me a lonely person and I'll show you at least two people interested in them that they have ruled out for some (usually odd) reason. Then it's "I can't understand why I'm sooooo alone...."

I can.

So I have refused to allow myself to go down that road. I am willing to talk to anyone with no preconditions and and if I like them, go out. The fact that we find each other interesting is the *only* thing that matters to me. I kinda follow Clint Eastwood's philosophy in Heartbreak Ridge, "You can rob me, you can starve me...and you can beat me and you can kill me. Just don't bore me." :)


(On an interesting side, note I would much prefer to date non smokers but for some odd reason every single woman I have dated has been a smoker! My hypothesis is that I only appeal to women with self destructive tendencies. :)  )

So, on to the meat of the story. I met "Amy" on an Internet dating site. She is a college senior finishing up her nursing degree. I married as a teen but I was married for 25 years(!). So I was married longer than this women has been alive. OBVIOUSLY we have an age gap. However, she is a sci-fi fan and we love many of the same books and we exchanged MANY e-mails and had MANY delightful conversations. Even though we were both wary about the age difference we both agree that we have something and we should meet.

So I set up a date at The Outback on a Friday night. (For good or bad I consider this the perfect first date spot, it's mid range enough you'll not get tagged as a "cheapskate", yet not so pretentious that someone is uncomfortable being there! Plus hey, they have good food!)

So I met Amy there and it started wrong right away. She was speaking "urban", "Sheet Dawg, what be yo shizzle gansta mo fo?" (Sorry, I don't have an urban to American dictionary so I am not sure if that makes sense or not) I was a bit alarmed but we had so MANY good e-mails I was not ready to run yet. I figured she was just nervous and this was a "phase"

So we ordered a couple of drinks while we waited on our food. Being Friday night they were jam packed so we waited a bit and we had a couple more drinks. Alas, her "phase" shows no sign of relenting. After 3 margaritas she is getting loud AND slipping deeper into "urban" AND adding some loud profanity to boot! Oy vey!

As a nerd,  oblivion to social signals is part of my make up. However,  even with my +7 Oblivion stylus and my +22 Oblivion Droid smart phone,  I can still pick up on the turned heads and the occasional glares. I am trying to quiet her down but apparently my urban is not good enough to effectively communicate with her.

The embarrassment on my part is already reaching epic proportions when the manager came over and said to ME, "Sir, if you can't control your daughter we are going to have to ask you to leave."

OH dear Lord. Date.From.Hell!




PS I caught myself in a lie.. " I said " I am willing to talk to anyone with no preconditions and and if I like them, go out." That should read  "I am willing to talk to any woman with no preconditions and and if I like them, go out" There was this pre-op tranny that was quite pretty and our e-mails were shaping up nicely but after a few conversations HE decided he should let me know he was still pre-op.

Man with all my oblivion points I sure am glad he told me! That could a been AWKWARD to find out out in the heat of passion, "Oh you are so beautiful, ooooo lets just slide this down... Hey, HEY, HEY! What is that thing doing here!" Sorry, dude, I do have a firm "only one penis at the party rule" :)

Friday, June 10, 2011

Can you smell it?

The smell of genuine Redneck Brand Testosterone hanging thick and heavy in the humid heat of central Illinois?

Are you sure? It's pretty potent.

I remember when I was a kid, bicycles were pretty manly. I mean there was nothing misogynistic about it but they used to sell bicycles guys would like AND they sold bicycles that girls would like.Completely unlike the androgynous bicycle wasteland we live in now. Back then girls would put their stuffed animals in the wicker basket and boys would build ramps and jump over things and break bones like boys are supposed to do.

Look at this marvel of manliness from my childhood...

Oh Yeah, that is the shit buddy!
Note the springer front end, the seat mounted on shock absorbers, the big phallic gear shift. Note the manly  DRUM brake on the front wheel! No little sissy ass pencil erasers squeezing your wheel rim, no we actually had brakes back then! (I realize modern riders probably don't believe me but back in the day we ROUTINELY laid skid marks with our brakes that actually worked! No! Really!)

Then something happened and bicycles started to get all sissy like. In my opinion it started off with forcing kids to wear pads to ride their bikes. OH no! My precious baby-darling might get a scrape. OH the mental anguish of it all. {geesh!}

Then god forbid, men, already feminised with pads in their formative years, started wearing spandex pants and Styrofoam helmets. (spandex is like bikini bottoms, Totally awesome on the lovely sex, traumatizing to children of all ages on males!)

Manly bike helmet is an oxymoron. Then add spandex pants and you are talking a prison inmates dream date now!

Sorry I drifted, we were talking about testosterone right? Aha, here is the source of that lovely aroma!


Man Bike - Who needs testosterone supplements? Here ya go, pure Redneck Brand Testosterone. It's the hairiest!
MMMMMMMmmmmm good! Oh now THAT is a manly man's bike! Yeah baby! If you click the picture and zoom in its clear this is a home made job. Note the strategic use of electrical tape holding the coil to the frame and keeping the loose wires out of the way.

Looking at this picture just makes me feel good to live in a world where not EVERYONE has been feminized yet. There are still one or two free range men men scrabbling about. Thank God.

This is my kind of creative redneck folks.... and I'll betcha a dollar he does not wear knee pads!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Going Old School (Owd Skoo!)

DOS
C:\DOS> cd \emotions\hopes\romance
C:\emotions\hopes\romance> del *.*

Unix
$> cd /emotions/hopes/romance
$> rm *

Windows or Mac
Where is that clicky thingy to throw folders into my trash can thingy?"

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Empathy, Pro and Con

Quick ones today - Been staying busy! (YA! :)  )

My empathy thing again!

Ya just gotta feel bad for this guy. First he was a Chess Pawn. I mean it is the lowest rank in the game but at least being a Chess player gave him a touch a class. (Kinda like being a soccer style kicker in the NFL! )

Then they turned him into an ash tray. A freaking. ash. tray. Oh the degradation of it all.

The second hand smoke has him sick and terminal. Look at him all slumped over now. Between the cancer and the humiliation he can't even stand upright anymore. So, so sad!

Yet he is still on the job. Ya gotta respect that even if you feel horrible for how his life has just plummeted down hill!


But here is some happy empathy! (for a change)

I love the show Man Vs. Food on the Travel Channel. I like how he travels to cities large and small and does not just do the same old big cities all the time. Heck, he has even done TWO episodes here in Springpatch Illinois! He "takes" you to eateries the local people like as opposed to just the food critics.

Then for the last part of the show he takes on a big  food challage of some sort. It's a fun show!

Here is the empathy tie in though... But the best thing about "Man Vs. Food" is seeing that Fred Savage (from the TV Series "The wonder Years" and the movie "The Princess Bride") is still working and did not share the curse of so many child actors! !

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I command thee!

Ok, I hesitate to tell this story. *I* think it is hilarious but it may come off a tad perverted. (I can already hear CrazyMamma "Tad? TAD?)

However, the highest compliment I have ever been paid on this site was by former reader Taj and Jules from House of Jules. They once debated in my comments whether I was perverted perfectly or perfectly perverted. Awwww, isn't that sweet? :)

But here it goes I am going to let this one out of the bag.

I was once on this dating site that when you sent e-mail you could look in your sent folder and see the status of it in the recipients inbox., unread, read and kept, deleted.

So I saw the profile of a very attractive women and her profile said she was a sub and looking for a dom. I was married for a looooooong time so I actually had to google these terms and go "Ohhhhhhh!" I usually Tailor an e-mail to the profile (to show I actually cared enough to READ it not just e-mailing to pretty photo's.)


 However, I'm not just not a Dom type guy, I actually *like* women and want a partner not a slave, so I went ahead and wrote my usual kind of letter. It was deleted almost immediately. I pondered that for a bit and an evil idea crept into my head.  
 
I wrote the following e-mail to her the next day (paraphrased from memory. )
 
Do as I tell you! Do not hesitate!
Right now get your camera.
Find a mirror.
Take your top off.
Take a picture of your breasts.
Send me the picture.
NOW!
 
DO NOT MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN!
 
She did not send me a picture of her boobs BUT SHE DID NOT DELTE THE LETTER! It was flagged "read and kept" until her account was off lined!
 
Now I thought that was hilarious! It was backwards world. The letter that SHOULD have been deleted was kept! (we can debate if my sweet letter should have been kept or not. Lots of women read my letter, look at my photo/profile and delete. say la vie) but without a doubt a "SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS"  letter should be junked immediately!
 
Of course if you disagree, by all means feel free to send me a pic or two! :) As Ron White says, "Once you've seen one set of boobs, you know you want to see the rest of them"

(speaking of Taj, she would prolly be the one emailing me commanding me to send her a pics of my chest!)!

PS! It just NOW occurs to me years too late that if I had sent that sub girl another e-mail getting more bossy and threatening punishment I probably would have gotten a picture not too mention a date! ROFL!)

((God as long as we are on stories labeled Internet dating hell, remind me to tell you all about the nursing student! Oy Vey!))

Friday, May 27, 2011

Nerdy Movies that Transend Nerdom

Since it is a holiday weekend you might have some downtime so here are some ideas!

I have tried to make a list of really good nerd movies that no one has seen. If you have not seen the following movies you really really should. Yes, they are nerd movies on the surface so most 'danes blow them off and misss a really good show for it. However they are soooo good you will be glad you did see them!

Bicentennial Man.  - Based on an Issac Asimov story. Asimov is considered one of the three grand deans of Science Fiction.

This is one of the best sci-fi movies ever made though there is very little "sci-fi" in it. Only something on the order of 12 people have ever seen it! Nine of them I held at gun point and forced them to watch until they were hooked on their own! (Average time required to put down fire arm; 12-18 minutes ;)  )

Robert Heinlein (another of the three grand deans) said that good Sci-fi is always about the the people, the characters. Oh certainly people who are impacted  in some way by the technology in their life but it's still about the people. This movie totally NAILS that concept. Even if some of them are not even technically people! :)

After you see this movie you WILL thank me for it. Ignore the rest of this post if you like, you MUST see this movie! Don't make me get my gun! :)

Please come back and comment after you see it. I really want to know what you thought.

October Sky - The true story of how the launch of Sputnik affected the lives of a group of high school kids in a poor mining town. Its is one of the best movies you have have never seen. Laura Dern's character is truly special and it may be the only Jake Gyllenhaal movie made where he does not make you feel vaguely uncomfortable. :)


I.Q. - Meg Ryan, Tim Robbins, Walter Mathou. That really should be enough for you to want to see it. BUT OH MAH DEAR GAWD! MEG RYAN AS A HUUUUUGE MATH NERD. Oh my heart! I could actually feel it melting and running down into my legs. Well maybe that was the popcorn butter but STILL! Wow!

Then other than his incredible good looks and the fact that I was an aircraft mechanic instead of auto, Tim Robbins character was written after me. Yup! (even if the writers did not know it!)

Real Genius - A very young Val Kilmer (Pre- Top Gun) stars in this flick about child geniuses in college. Not a serious flick by any means but it's a lot of good goofy nerdy fun. If you knew any nerds in college the "life in the dorms" parts of the film are pretty damned funny!

Nerd Guy - "I can't pee while your watching me"
Nerd Gal  - "That's weird. Why not"

It's a solid 9 on the nerd-o-meter!

Galaxy Quest Hmmmmm, I debate; I'm not sure if its obscure enough for this list. Among nerdom it is well known (unlike the most of the others listed here) but I am not sure how well known outside of nerddom! Either way, you can't go wrong in seeing it. Alan Rickman finally shook off the Klaus typecasting in this film freeing him up for "Marvin" (next review) and ultimately Snape.

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - Ah, originally written by one of the writers for "Monty Python's Flying Circus" (Douglas Admas) This is the first comedy sci-fi I know of. And its pretty darned good comedy too...

"I decided long ago I would rather be happy than rich."
"So, are you happy?"
"Well...Now, that is where the plan falls down now is'nt it?"

Alan Rickman as the voice of Marvin the depressed robot is pure art!

"Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take you to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, 'cause I don't."

Marvin: I've been talking to the ship's computer.
Arthur: And?
Marvin: (Dripping with venom) It hates me.

Ok, to finish this lame post up - invest a measly 3 minutes of your life in this old animated song. The graphics were high tech at one time! I adore the campiness though and parts of the tune have just a bit of the old brain worm effect going. This may be the only rap song I have ever liked (even though the Yoda segment is the only really "rappy" part)

I know, you are hesititing now! Show some trust! You'll like it, I promise! It's only 3 minutes! what do you have to loose,



Darth Vader "Churning the butter!" Really? Does life get any better than that?

("Owwwww, why'd you slice off my hand?!")
Your welcome!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

A Northerner thing?

When I'm Springfield I stay in what for all intents and purposes is a Corporate apartment with multiple users.

That kind of life is generally a short term deal but I have been staying here with Erika off and on (mostly on) for the better part of 5 years now. Since I have been steady we have had about 12-13 "room mates" over the years who have come to Springfield for short term stays..

Three of them have been from Chicago.

Two of that three have had this "thing" about keeping the bathroom door shut all the time.

So I was whining commenting to Erika, what is this bizarre thing? I have never heard of it. Toilet seat wars sure. Bathroom door closed? I've never heard of this.

Erika replies that she has heard of it, Perhaps it is a "hide the room where "dirty" things happen" thing?

Jules you out there? Is this a "Chicago thing"?

Either way this concept just hurts my head.

What is this a 50's sit com where the "impure" potty room does not exist and the married couple sleep in twin beds separated by a censor appointed minimum of 2 feet 7.5 inches?

I like to believe I am a creature of logic and reason so:

1) When you take a shower the bathroom gets very humid. If you keep the door shut and don't allow fresh air circulation, your wall paper/paint will be damaged over time and even worse you will probably end up with mold and mildew; With both smells bad and can be a health hazard.

2) I realize the base realities of life may be "TMI" for some weak minded people but for you mature people out there lets face it, we do things in there that don't always smell nice. Again, some basic air circulation cures that little problem. I don't want to smell what happened in there yesterday!

Both of these really apply this time of year when the weather is too nice to run the heat OR air conditioning.

3) And this one is BIG. If the door is shut how do you know weather someone is in there or not? What? You are supposed to knock on the the door every single time you use it? Really? In what bizarre parallel universe does this make sense?

I went to use the bathroom the other night, the light is on and the door is shut. Normally a clear sign of "ocupado" but I can't tell anymore so I knock on the door... yep, our Chicagoan is in there.

I do gotta go but it's not "epic" yet. So I go putter in the kitchen, fix a snack, chat with Erika. Every couple of minutes I lean back, look down the hall and and check the bathroom door. Light on, door closed. After a while hydraulic pressure is starting to build. I start doing the doing the pee pee dance. I walk back that way to put something in my room and notice the Chicagoan's bedroom door was open before but now it's closed.

Oh no!

So I knock on the bathroom door. Yeah its empty and who knows how long I been hopping foot to foot while it was empty. Grrrrrr.

Ok, so I gave three solid logical reasons NOT to close the door when not in use. Can anyone give me ONE logical reason to shut it?

Thank you for listening, thus concludes Rob's bizarre rant of the Day.

ps. Don't get me wrong he is nice guy and there is ALWAYS going to be a little friction where ever moving people are involved. This is a minor thing - BUT blogworthy,  no?

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Of course, pilots are lucky too!

I know the Brits do not have all the puritan hang ups we North Americans do but WOW!

Monday, May 23, 2011

It's not just a T shirt.

I have been having writers block on any kind of funny story for a week or so now. So I am going to do something rare and be serious here today.

Run while you can. Its never pretty when I get serious.

I am a slooooooooooooow learner. I also have the curse of empathy. I can feel others pain. Damn it.

Back in the late 80's I lived in Little Rock Arkansas. I don't know how much has changed since then but at that time Arkansas had three things going for it. It was a state of natural beauty, it was the most overtly racist place I ever lived (I could write a slew of depressing posts on that topic alone) and like racism wife beating was common and socially acceptable

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter in Little Rock for a little while. After the fourth time I watched a lovely intelligent women come in battered and bloody then GO HOME with the sick sumbish a few days later (He has changed now!) I really could not take it anymore. I simply am not tough enough. That stupid empathy thing.

Fast forward a few years.

A nice young couple moved in next door. They had been there about a month or so when on a Saturday night I was sitting on my porch drinking a beer. Their kitchen curtains were open about 3 or 4 inches and a fast movement past the curtain caught my eye. He had her by her long hair pulling it back and down to turn her face upward making it much easier to smack around.

I am not a violent man (I'm sticking to that story too) and this guy was ten years younger than me and in far better physical shape. Logic was in no way involved though. I was seeing though this small red tunnel filled with floating white dots as I bashed in through his front door. At that point he had her by the throat but he audaciously yells at me "What they fuck do you think you're doing?"

As I strode purposefully across the front room to the kitchen I did not answer out loud but I was thinking "About to get my ass kicked by a much younger stronger guy!"

I guess something about my demeanor tipped him off though because suddenly he let go of her, dropped to the floor, curled up into a fetal position and started begging me not to hurt him. I do not mean laid down, I mean he DROPPED to the floor. I had been bracing to get my ass kicked so I was taken aback just a bit.

The words of my hero/philosopher Robert A. Heinlein popped into my head at that moment- "Bullies do not want to fight, they just want to hurt people." Ah that explains his behavior but sadly that sword cuts both ways. At that moment I was a bully because all I wanted to do was hurt him. What have I become? All my fury for the bastard evaporated once I realized what a worthless little chicken shit he really was cowering and begging on the floor. Well for a few milliseconds. Then I looked up at her bloody face and then I was on the floor too whaling on his crying curled up ass. Wish I could say I regret my loss of control but beating a wife beater feels good. Feels damn good.

Guess who grabbed my arms and begged me to stop? I'll never forget those words "STOP! Your hurting him!"

It was the women's shelter all over again.

I stopped for her but I made him grab some clothes and leave. He tried to come back a few times but as soon as he pulled in his drive way the tunnel vision would return and out my door I would charge. Then he would rapidly back out of the drive way. After a week or two of this I started to think "Maybe, just maybe  I can save just this one."

Ah self delusion is so important!

She moved out so she could be with him again. She was nice enough though to stop by my house while the movers were loading up to let me know that she could not stand to live next door to me anymore what with my interfering with her life and oh, yeah, she *hated* me for the damage I did to her relationship.

How sweet of her.

Fast forward a few years.

My littlest sister married one of these bastards.

That is all I have to say about that.

Fast forward a few years to a month ago...

Remember my story "Tall Tales"- Read the first 5 paragraphs again.

As I said in the story I made several friends that night including the attractive blond showing off her scars and her husband. I have spent several evenings at their house since.

I had uneasy feelings though and stopped going over there.

The last two Saturday nights in a row. I have been awakened by the girl with the scars asking for help. At least she is smart enough to run out of the house mid beating. Then she calls me and like the slow learning dumb ass I am I crawl out of a warm comfy bed to get her and take her someplace safe and listen to her woes.

Both times she is back with him within 24 hours.

So how many decades does it take a nerdy redneck to learn? ">= 4"

The tough question is what am I gonna do next time? I tell myself I won't even answer the damned phone and just go back to sleep.

But I know I won't.

Self delusion is so important though.

Speaking of which- why the fuck do these women go back to their abusers? My mom did things to me until I grew up enough that I was physically strong enough to stop her. When I was 16 I joined the Air Force and got away from her and never, EVER went back.

When I went to her funeral my relatives kept saying to me "My god, you are so strong! How can you not cry at your own mothers funeral" I would just stare at them. They were there. Ya know when I "fell" through the glass coffee table or when I ran into that door and got all those stitches in the side of my head.   The question is why would I cry at her funeral. But I guess it's hard to believe your sister/wife/aunt/niece is a monster so you wonder aloud what is wrong with ME not to cry at her funeral.

Self delusion is so important.

But no, I'm not bitter, why do you ask? :)

Thanks for letting me blitch tho. Wish I could say I felt better now. 26 hours of sleep did not help either. I had a bout of hysterical laughter going last night. That might of helped but apparently hysterical laughter is disturbing to the roommates. Go figure. My bad.

Damned Empathy!

Ok, I will try to be funny (well as close as I get to it anyway) again soon.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Blogger is back up!

It was down for days and days. Now I can't remember any of those truly AWESOME stories I wanted to write while it was down.

Damn!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Aftermath and thanks

Continuing from yesterday's story. I had the rollover accident in the early morning on the way to work. The emergency room released me about noon.

When I got home I called the firehouse to check the schedule. The crew that rescued me would be on duty until Noon tomorrow. So I called the Kroger's Bakery dept and put in an order and took a nap until the time they told me my order would be ready.

When I woke up I went and picked up my order and while I was there I picked up several cases of soda in a variety of flavors then headed for the firehouse "my" crew worked at. I really wanted to buy a keg of beer but I thought that might be frowned on! :)

When my buddy that talked me through the extraction saw the biggest sheet cake Kroger's makes that said "Thanks a million guys!!!" on it with little firemen related motifs every where he started to get real, uh, misty eyed, which in turn made everything get blurry for me.

In my usual playful tone I asked him,  "What the hell are you getting emotional for? I was the one scared to death until your hand came through that hole where my window was supposed to be."
"Rob, I been doing this for 10 years now. On average we cut open a vehicle and free trapped people about once a week. In 10 years you are the first person that ever come by after wards to say thank you let alone throwing us a little party."

Can you believe that? I still struggle with that; Nobody ever said "thank you" before? Those guys were and are my personal heroes. How could you be freed from being trapped in mangled steel with very hots fluids very close by and NOT feel overwhelming gratitude for your liberators?

That reminds me, I think I need to throw them another little party!

Oh and have I mentioned- FIREMEN RULE! :)

Monday, May 9, 2011

Doctor Tales II

In 2000 in Frisco Texas (Northern Suburb of Dallas) I got clobbered by an unlicensed uninsured illegal alien driving a tractor trailer dump truck full of gravel. He weighed approximately 70,000 pounds at the time.

My vehicle rolled 3 1/2 times. The roof collapsed down and I was pinned to the seat upside down.

I am not claustrophobic but I felt it then, alone, upside down, it's pretty dark in there and  I can't move. Then the imagination takes over. What if hot water comes out of the engine, or fuel? I'll just sit here and burn! Men are not supposed to admit to fear but I am a nerd so I will gladly admit I was scared. (However not panicked or stupid! "Fear is the mind killer"). Within in 5 minutes though,  a Fireman's hand comes through the small gap that used to be a window,  grabs my hand and says "You OK? We will have you out of there in a minute. He held my hand and talked to me for the next 20 minutes while a small team jacked and blocked up the truck then cut it open with up BIG manly tools and pulled me out of there!

Oh, if you think there is anything even remotely gay about holding hands with a fireman of the same sex, you have never been pinned in car upside down in the dark! :) So I LOVE firemen!

One fireman took this shot at the scene.

Dragging my ass out of the wreckage.  Firemen RULE!
(Note how they jacked up the rear end so they could pull the roof down to free me!)

I took this shot at the junk yard later...

That roof is awfully close to the seat! {shiver}

That's not the funny part of the story though!

I came out of it completely unscathed but no one would believe me! The firemen wanted to load me into an ambulance and take me to the hospital. I just wanted to get to work. But when the one guy who was talking me through it while the other guys cut me out said, "Please? For me? I would feel so much better if you got checked out." how could I possibly say no?

So on the way to the emergency room they went through this routine where they ran their hands all over my body then moved my extremities through range of motion and kept asking me of if I felt anything any numbness, pain etc. Then shortly after getting to the emergency room. A nurse ran through the identical exercise, then (10 year old memories get fuzzy) someone else (possibly a intern/resident?) went through the exact same process. I am a nerd, I hate inefficiency. A double check is good. Three times is waste.

Then about a 1/2 hour went by with nothing going on. Then a middle aged fellow came in, introduced himself as my doctor and proceeded to repeat the same procedure again. AGAIN?

 Feels and moves my left arm "Any pain or numbness?"
"Nope"
Feels and moves my right arm "Any pain or numbness?"
"Nope"
Feels and moves my left leg "Any pain or numbness?"
"Nope",  by now I am getting bored and decide to have a little fun.
Feels and moves my right leg... As he lifted my leg up at about 45 degrees I gasped and put a look of shock and concern on my face!

He goes "What? What is it?"

"Doc, both my legs just went numb when you did that!"

I saw the look of shock/fear/concern come over *his* face!

"KIDDING DOC Kidding!"

So with a big grin and a relived look he said "Oh you are gonna be one of those kind of patients huh?" My only reply was an impish smirk.  "Yeah, well just remember, paybacks are a mother and I have all the sharp instruments!"

I liked him right away!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Doctor Tales (I)

When my son was about 11 I was building a a plane in my garage.
One Neighbor asked if I was building a boat


What? No plane in YOUR garage?Well me neither anymore.  :) 

It was a fiber glass plane so surface prep and cleanliness are critical to good bonding so I had a large basket of clean rags and lots of denatured alcohol handy for cleaning any surface prior to laying down any fiberglass.

Of Course, as required by law in the south I have rolls of duct tape just every where.

So my son was taking out the trash and he is swinging the trash bag to and fro as he strolled through the garage out to the alley. Apparently there is a broken mayo jar in the trash and a big chunk of glass is sticking through the side of the trash bag. As Brian swings the bag he really slashed his leg as the glass sung by.

So I hear him yelling for help, I run out to the garage and though it's only been seconds there is already a largish pool of blood on the floor, he got himself good on that one!

Well the old Boy Scout First Aid training kicked in and said "pressure bandage" I reached into my clean rag hamper folded a hand towel sized rag into a 4 inch square and clamped it over the cut with my hand then started looking around for something to to hold it on with.... AHA! Duct tape! So I wrapped duct tape moderately tightly around leg and over the 'bandage', threw him in the truck and had him in the emergency room in less than 5 minutes.

The doctor came into the treatment room, took one look at the duct tape bandage started laughing and said, "Oh man! I gotta get a picture of this!" He was laughing and taking several pictures so I was feeling pretty self conscious that the finds my patch work so funny! I start to explain what happened and even though he was still laughing he says, "Oh no, you did the right thing! I just have a collection of 'things I have seen people do with duct tape' picutes but this is absolutly the first medical use of duct tape I have ever seen! AWESOME!"


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

There but for the grace of God...

No wait, I do go there!

I am the worlds WORST at names. I blame my general nerdyness for this!

Like Will Rogers I never forget a face and when I see your face I have a VERY good memory about our shared past (be it personal or professional) but most times I will NOT remember your blinking name!

THEN I have this deal that if I learn your name wrong I probably will never get it right in the future. Once I have managed to burn it into the neurons it's there forever, right or wrong!

As a consequence I refer to the world as bud, buddy, amigo, compadre, partner etc.

"Hey Bud! Long time no time! Whacha been up to amigo?"

Sigh. Yes I know it's terrible.

One of my few redeeming qualities though is I am not a hypocrite. Unlike some people I can name, I wont live in an 8,000 square foot house and fly in a biz jet that burns 113 gallons of fuel an hour then lecture you on your carbon footprint.

So, I met a woman few weeks ago. Somehow, just like I do, she learned my name wrong. She calls me Rich instead of Rob.  I corrected her a couple of times at first but then since I understand the syndrome I just let it go and I am getting pretty good at answering to Rich/Richard.

What makes this story funny though is that in her case it seems her name mangling is an hereditary trait! I went to a family picnic thing with her last Sunday and as she introduced me to each of her family members as Rich I would immediately say "Actually it's Rob, nice to meet you!"
"Nice to meet you too Rich!"

Now her whole family calls me Richard!

Since I am NOT a hypocrite though I just laugh uproariously on the inside and grin on the outside and answer to Rich

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Angry Birds

Is everyone familiar with this cultural phenom?

You know, that simple little addictive phone game where the pigs are stealing the birds eggs so the birds are are getting all medieval on the pigs?

Well now you are! :)


Screen Shot of "Angry Birds".  See the happy but soon to be DEAD pigs?

Ok, a simple rule for the game, or any game. Before you get frustrated and start yelling things at the game be sure to take a look around and and notice who if anyone is around. While always a good rule it is doubly true if you playing while eating your lunch in "Trooper Memorial Park" right next door to State Police HQ....

"OH would you just DIE already you stupid FREAKING PIG!!!
"Excuse me?"
"Oh, OH! Not YOU officer, the game, on the phone! Angry Birds! I swear! No Really!"
"Keep your hands where I can see them, sir!"

Monday, May 2, 2011

Irony Divine

I was at my desk sucking on a lifesaver candy. (only 10 calories and you can enjoy it for quite a while!)

My bud walked up behind me and startled me! I inhaled my lifesaver and started choking. My bud smacked my back and we got it back up.

So, I was nearly killed by a lifesaver.

Remember that ditty?

There was one of the innumerable infomercials selling music on TV. These were "oldies" so this song is before my time but I have heard it and it is a memorable tune but for the first time the words really "clicked" for me.

She's 16
she's beautiful
and she's mine!

Whoa! A tad disturbing there dontcha think?

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Need.a.life

This is post 400.

Such a sad little swirling vortex of lost productivity!

Shorties

I was raised catholic and went to catholic school (with real live NUNS to boot) If anything will make you reject Catholicism when you grow up its nuns!


However I was watching a thing on the papacy on the history channel this weekend and as I watched it I had to rethink my whole position on the catholic faith. You get up in the morning and put on a really weird hat, slam down some wine, molest some kids, go to heaven! What a gig!

It's strangely like being a TSA agent

*************

Have you ever noticed that the people who will tell you ever so seriously about how the American Indian used every part of the animal and how fantastic it was that they wasted nothing are the exact same people who when offered a a hot dog (or bolgna) Will go into pratical hysterics "My God do you know what parts of the animal they use in that? Ewwwwwww"

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Tall Tales

I have ALWAYS loved telling stories!

That is why my friends encouraged me to start blogging... so they would not have to actually listen to my stories anymore!

Switching to written story telling from oral you loose a lot of the tools of good story telling, tone of voice, body language maybe even some accents thrown in here and there.

Friday night I had a chance to get all oral again and it was GREAT.

A buddy of mine wants to go to this party but I don't know anyone there. As a nerd I HATE going to a party period but to a party where I don't know anyone? Oh the horror! 

(Also bear in mind from my last post that I wrenched my knee pushing a boat and am using a cane for 10 days. )

So we walked into the front room and right off there is a weird situation, there were 3 people comparing scars, and one of them was a pretty hot blond. I have seen guys doing "scar competitions" before but outside of the movie lethal weapon 4(?) I have never seen women play the game. But here it was in living color!

So I said Ooooo- can I play?

Sure.

So I lifted my shirt and showed them my stomach surgery scars, I was wearing shorts and I have a nice double scar above my knee where the propeller of a radio control plane got me and then I have several good misc hand scars from farming and mechanizing.

Now I am telling YOU where the scars came but that is not what I told them.... for them I just pointed them all out. The Surgery scars are the best of course but the others made nice "accessories"

So they asked where did you get all those scars...

Well during the first Persian gulf war I had to eject from my crippled F-15 fighter deep over enemy territory!



"Oh man! What happened to you!?"

Well there I was deep over Saddam's stronghold, flying high cover on a moonless night, moving nearly as fast as a bullet 10 miles above the earth. At that altitude on a moonless night the stars looked like diamonds scattered on black velvet. So crisp, so close, you can easily convince yourself you have in fact left the planet and are in space. It was gorgeous! It was so ironic to experience such beauty deep in a war zone!

Suddenly my reverie was shattered by a flashing master caution alarm!

With no warning at all a fan belt had broken! You want to talk about fear! Fear that grabs you deep in your gut and won't let go!

Still, I tried to salvage the situation but when the fan belt on #1 broke apparently it flew off into #2 engine and took out its fan belt too. I was hosed! I had no hydraulics! (Power steering) You simply can not fly an F-15 without hydraulics! I had no choice but to eject!

It was during the ejection sequence when I snagged jagged pieces of the canopy and got the belly and leg scars I showed you.

More people are gathering around now, it's getting quiet at this party.

So I went on about how hard it is while drifting down in your parachute to judge when you going to contact the ground in the dark dessert and I misjudged the landing and to this day I have this cane to remind me of it.

I managed to evade capture for a few days but they finally got me. The scars on my hands are from the interrogations...

Finally one guy, challenged me, "What? Those scars are not from torture!"

With a grin I said, "Dude! You mean you bought the fan belts breaking but you are NOT buying the interrogation scars?"

People are looking a each other and the blond with her own scars asked me if any part of this story is true?

With my grin growing wider I answered "Helllllll no! But its a good story huh?"

Every one laughed and suddenly I was not at a party of strangers anymore.

Monday, April 25, 2011

High tech

Two weekends ago I hurt my knee very badly. (well to ME) I went to the doc and a couple of blogworthy notes came out of it.

The doctor had an x-ray machine in his office and one of his nurses was unsure of the settings so the doctor come in and was helping her.

I don't know about you but when someone is pointing a radation gun at me and is not quite sure what all the doohickeys are for I get nervous and when I get nervous I make jokes

So when they finally shot the front view of the knee I cupped my balls and yelped "OW! MY SPERM!  Oh the looks on their faces was soooo precious!

(a thousand nerd points to whoever can name the show that came from. Googling disqualifies you! )

When they shot the side view I said, "Thats funny! My sperm did not hurt that time!"

So in the end he writes me a script for some muscle relaxers and a cane. A cane? In this day and age? With all the high tech goodies at our disposal he gave me a fucking STICK!

Well yes he did and it worked GREAT!

I asked for one with flames on but apparantly they don't watch "House"

Saturday, April 16, 2011

A tale of nerdy vengence!

Ok, as I have discussed before my son did not directly inherit my nerdmanity. All through school he was the jock, the football star.

We had satellite TV then which carried the BBC and more than once I tried to get him to watch reruns of Monty Pythons Flying Circus with me but he HATED it. "This is so stupid Dad!"
Oh my- the squirting sound as my heart was crushed could be heard in the next room but you have to accept that while he is your son he has his own tastes.

At my Dallas house his bedroom is next to my home office. It was a Saturday and he had several members of his football team over but the weather was shitty and there was nothing on TV. I could hear them complaining about how bored they were. After about a half hour of listening to them whine I went to my room and got my Holy Grail DVD.

I knocked on his door and told the group, "I been hearing you guys say how bored you are so I want just 5 minutes of your time, just watch this DVD for 5 minutes and if you don't like it I will just pop it out and not say a word more about it."

I could see them trying to figure out what the catch was so I added, "You are already bored to tears, what do you have to loose?" So they agreed.

As  I pulled the DVD from behind my back my son was like "Oh no Dad! Not that!" I just replied, 5 minutes, what do you have to loose?

So I went to scene selection and chose "The tale of Sir Lancelot"

This is the scene where the kings gay son is being forced to marry against his will and is locked in the tallest tower to await the marriage. So he sent a tale of woe out on an arrow arrow telling of his plight and asking for some brave knight to rescue me.

Of Course sir Lancelot assumes someone being held in a tower, forced to marry and looking for a knight is a DAMSEL. So lancelot rips into this little fiefdom peacefully preparing for a wedding and commenced to hack and slay his way through men and women who have no idea at all they are being attacked.
"Oh aren't these flowers lovely-  Ung!!"

The boys, (being teen age boys) were howling with laughter. Its a 7 minute scene and at the 5 minute mark I pulled the DVD.

"They were all like "whoa wait a minute we want to see that!"
"OH I know how stupid Monty Python is. Sorry I made you watch it. Sorry Brian for boring your friends with this stupid stuff!"

Oh I was so mean, I made them BEG for it! BWUH HA HA HA HA!

A nerd's revenge on the football team 20 years delayed but fulfilled!

I still owe the those cheerleaders though! Some day, some day my nerdy vengence quest will be complete!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Another Military Story (sorta)

So one day I was working on the rudder (foot) pedals of a fighter. The ejection seat was out so I was laying on the floor where the seat would be with my head up under the "dash"

Climbing into a fighter is much like mounting a horse, you swing a leg up over the canopy sill and step down into the cockpit. So the crew chief, a rather portly fellow, decides to climb in. He did not check to see if *I* was there first though so he swings a leg up and over the canopy rail and plants a boot right into in my groinal arena!

Oh my descendants!

I set up fast and wanged my head on something under the 'dash'.  Then I laid back down and moaned for a minute. We all had a good laugh at my expense and went back to work. You know, both heads were injured in one accident ha ha ha ha! I was moving slower than before though.

About 15 minutes later I had to use the restroom. When I peed it was pretty dark. Blood in the urine, uh oh.

Long story short some blood vessels were ruptured in the sackal region and one side flooded with blood and distended.

Oddly enough, I came to learn this is a VERY common condition in the Air Force but its generally happens to pilots under high g loads.

After a few more follow ups it was confirmed that I was, in the words of my doctor,  rendered sterile.
 
So fast forward about 7 years. My wife gives me the supposedly happy news that she is pregnant. She is confused that I am not happy. "I'm sterile ya know. So who got you pregnant?"

Well needless to say this set off a marital crises. So it turns out sterile is a relative term. I am technically sterile but I still have some squigglers so a better term than 'sterile' would be "low probability". Of all people you would think doctors would use more descriptive language, right?

So when "the boy" turned up, there was no doubt what so ever that I was the father. He is my clone. The only thing he really got from his mother was his full thick facial hair. Wish I could grow a beard like that!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Vegans

I was reading an article about vegans this morning. Interesting stuff. As you all know I *love* word origins and it turns out vegan is an old American Indian word meaning "Very shitty hunter".

 I just love how some languages can say so much with one word!

You know, it makes me wonder though if vegans have sex? I mean there is the whole aspect of do they have the stamina for it but I mean even philosophically are they allowed to have sex? Milking a cow does not hurt the cow it a bit. In fact, they need to be milked or utter destruction could occur (ar!) Yet vegans are not allowed to drink milk. 

Rules out oral for sure!

So in the same vein, er, train of thought, are male vegans even allowed to ejaculate? that sure seems like Sperm Murder to me!

Neanderthal bastards! Somebody throw some red paint on the sperm murdering bastards!

BABY KILLERS!

Monday, March 28, 2011

My manhood lost

This story is NOT about the first thing that popped into your mind when you read that title (however that does remind me of another perhaps blog worthy Air Force story)

In this case the manhood in question is metaphorical rather than physical.

When I was 11 my grandfather (Papa? Pawpaw?) went legally blind. His vision dropped to 20/400 corrected. He had a farm to run though and his financial future was at stake. I became his eyes and hands. He would sit next to me and tell me what to do but I was the guy! I drove him where ever he needed to go, I plowed the fields, planted the crops, fertilized and cultivated mid season then finally harvested in the fall and took the grain to be sold.

Small town  Nebraska ( population < 500) was a special place, there are no secrets. Everyone knew  I was driving cars and grain trucks, even on the interstate highways, but everyone also knew that I was all that was keeping Papa from bankruptcy. I worked hard and I received something I had never really received from adults before, respect.

I remember the one night we went to town for supper at the bar and grill and I was allowed to drink a beer, in a bar. I was 12. The local motto was "Work like a man get treated like a man." Little things like that made up for not being able to do the things my tween age friends were doing.

I did that for three years while I was 11, 12 and 13 years old. I thought I was going to do it for the rest of my life but property values got very high and papa sold all his land for 3 million(!) bucks.

I moved back to the city. After 3 years of being treated like a man suddenly, I was a child again.

Oh how that chaffed my soul. I oh so desperately wanted to be a man again. It was hard to ever be satisfied again. For example, getting a drivers licence? Pfffft. I was driving huge dump trucks loaded with grain 5 years "ago"!

So all that frustration combined with several other reasons saw me joining the Air Force when I was 16.

After basic training I was a man again! Yay! For a while at least.

After advanced training I reported to my first duty station. I was getting a tour of Hanger 1. The end if the runway was 500 feet from the hanger. An F-4 phantom started its take off run with full afterburners.

The F-4 is a fighter but it's take off weight was a full 30 tons. It is a BIG airplane with BIG engines.
F-4 Phantom Engine Exhaust. Big huh?
 Then lets mention afterburners; Afterburners are simply pumping raw fuel into the exhaust stream of jet engine where it combusts, expands and adds considerable thrust. A.k.a. heat and noise. That fuel is injected from a fuel line ring around the inside of exhaust tube. Each ring is considered a stage. Working from memory here the F-4 had 32 stage afterburners (times 2 engines). If the pilot moved the throttles forward slowly you could hear (and feel) each stage kick in individually. If he moved the throttles fast it was a single sound

It was not unheard of for formation take offs with full afterburners to actually break windows on base.


F-4 with full afterburners. Can you feel the power?

So here I am first day on my new base, walking through the phase docks in hanger one when the pilot a mere 500 feet away pushed the throttles all the way forward pretty fast. I heard and felt a tremendous rippling ba-ba-ba-ba-BOOM as the stages kicked in. I thought the all the tanks on the fuel farm were going  up in a chain reaction!

Damn my cat like reflexes! I ducked!

I was immediately a laughing stock. The fighter mechanic that was afraid of fighters. All respect and therefore all manhood was lost within hours of stepping on base. {sigh}


Then, just to pile it on, later that day someone coined my new nickname that would stick with me for years to come. No, not "killer", "tiger", "Ace" or any kind of even remotely cool nickname, nope, "baby face" was my new moniker. For one who ached more than anything to be a man to be called baby (face) every day was nightmarish.

My degradation was complete. {sigh}

However, here is a picture taken of me four years after I "earned" that nickname. So I guess maybe they were on to something.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Confusing Headlines

Check this out this headline...

Apple under fire for 'gay conversion' app

When I first read the headline I thought they had an app to convert me to gay. On one hand that would be pretty kewl because then lots more women would be attracted to me.

One the other hand that app would be a silly waste of time to write because if I am male and I have an Apple then, clearly, I am already gay!

AR!

ps. Just a joke roomie. (But humor only works if there is a nugget of truth in it!)

Monday, March 21, 2011

Management Think #9

Recently I had to change my e-mail address and I do all on-line bill pay so I go to all my vendors, ya know, phone, cable, credit card, etc. and change my e-mail address.

Logically they all sent me an e-mail notifying that someone had changed my e-mail address online and if it was not me alert them to the security breach immediately.

However, two, count them TWO vendors sent that e-mail the the NEW e-mail account.   So if I had been hacked I would never know it. Since sending the e-mail to the new address defeats the entire point of even sending an e-mail you gotta wonder just what were they thinking?

Oh stupid question, hell I have been in this business long enough to "hear" the design meeting...

DBA: "Well the Idiots Guide to Website Design says to send a notification to the the old address for security"
"But how am I to be sending it to the old address when they just changed the address? I am not having the old address anymore"
DBA: Well we should have an audit table where we track changes and we can pull from there, OR in the change address screen you can hold the new address in memory, send a note to the old address THEN change the address in the database OR,...{three other ways to skin the cat}"
"I am not knowing about these things. Let me get back to you."

47 meetings and 1,487 excuses about why they just can't do it right the manager says "This is taking too much time, just send it to the new address, what the hells the difference. Gah DBA's are such a pain in the ass"

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Cheapskate

I have true cheapskate tendencies. Now I am not too cheap to actually buy things but once I buy them I WILL extract every cent of value out them.

I won't spit out gum till the flavor is GONE! Etc etc.

So I tend to use the same razor blade too long. I pulled a fresh blade out of the medicine cabinet and started shaving and as I took the first stroke down my jawbone I was like WOW!! That is like shaving glass, it is sooo smooth and frictionless! Second stroke, "Man I got quit using these blades for so long. I forgot how nice a new blade feels!"

Then I noticed that where the shaving cream was gone I still had prominent whiskers sticking up? Huh?

Oh. Take the little plastic guard off the blade and lets try this again.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Manual SpamBot

"The circle is now complete Obi-Wan"

They used to pay people to spam. Then they automated the process with SpamBots. So to defeat the spam bots most sites set up some kind of test on comments/posting, weather it be a simple math problem or the skewed pass phrase.

So far that has defeated the SpamBots. I have been waiting for a while now for someone to crack the skewed pass phrase model used here on blogspot- so far so good. I am guessing it has worked this long because it is just barely human readable (at least to this human)

So now we have come full circle- they are now paying humans to post spam again. I have gotten a couple of them them in the last few weeks. I got this one on the "good news" post....

"I'm impressed with your post which i'm looking for. I have a forum which lets people to share and express their feeling. so come and join with us :) Place to share feeling
(I changed the link to prevent accidents.)

I have several observations about this spam post..

1) If you are going to pay someone to market Spam for you then you really should hire people who can speak the language you want to market in. (duh)

2) I think its HILARIOUS that my post about trying to replace Charlie Sheen on 2.5 men was "the post he was looking for" lol

3) This blog is (theoretically) about the hybrid nature of my nerd/redneck personality. There is often a lot of conflict there but one thing both nerds and rednecks agree on is that they have ZERO interest in "sharing their feelings" So a major "swing and a miss" there buddy!

4) Man, human SpamBot has GOT to be a shitty way to make a living.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Bad News Good News

Bad News - Well negotiations fell through with CBS today. They were only offering a million per episode with no back end. How can I live off that? Pffft!

Good news -  However, I  am now in negotiations with Martin Sheen to be his replacement son. The big question at this point is can I get along with Emilio Estevez or will Thanksgiving dinners at the Sheen house continue to be awwwwwwwkwaaaaard! :)

Monday, March 7, 2011

Good News!

I am in talks with CBS to replace Charlie Sheen on 2.5 men. Whoo hoo!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Failing a test and Passing a test

Ok, this story is the flip-side of yesterdays story!

I was looking for that critical first job right out of college. You know, you have the degree but you have zippo experience and employers are wary.

I went to an interview at Automated Telephone Management systems. I interviewed with one of the lead programmers there. After about 5 minutes it became painfully obvious I had nothing they were looking for. What I had studied and what they were doing were just totally different.

I knew I was not getting this job so I relaxed and with the pressure off my playful personality came out. I remember even cracking a joke about how I did not like their toilet in the lobby. It had a "booster seat" for the handicapped and said I felt like I was 5 years old with my legs dangling off the toilet like that.

The people in the surrounding cubes and the guy interviewing me all broke up laughing.

Then I delved off into Kirk VS Picard. My long standing position is that when Picard delvers a flying drop kick to someones chest then bags the blue chick, THEN we can talk!

Again laughter rippled throughout the surrounding cubes!

They made me an offer. I was SHOCKED!

Everyday I was there I was convinced they would realize their mistake and fire me so I really hit the books and studied all the new technology they used. I was given simple assignments that let me learn without overwhelming me. Still I was ready for that ax to fall any second!

In the meantime that manager at the hospital in the previous story would have LOVED this place. It was full of anti-social nerds who never said anything or talked to anybody. The monastery like silence was killing me! Once day I even stood up in my cube and yelled "What is this a library!? Somebody say something!"

So I started just going to random cubes and saying something like "It's break time lets go outside and see the sun?" Then I would get a chance to talk to that person and get to know them a little. Once the ice was broken they would talk to you in the future. One by one I pulled the monks out of their cubicles and got them talking to me. Before long I had us going to lunches together or hanging out together after work. Of course some people never joined in but most did.

I had been there about 5 months and I knew I was getting the technology down when I was assigned my first major project. It was a tough one too! In fact, It was so tough no one else wanted it and basically it got fobbed off on the new guy!

When I  pulled off that project I felt secure in that job for the first time. There was a question I had wanted to ask for 6 months but never dared ask before. Now that I no longer felt they were going to fire me at any second I finally asked it.

Mr. Manager, why did you hire me? I knew nothing you needed!

He nodded and chuckled! Well Rob, I had a personnel problem here. I had a lot of really bright gifted people working here but I did not have a team. They were not working together.  No one ever talked to each other, they never bonded. I had tried to loosen them up but as the boss they would not ease up around me. In your interview I tagged you as a team builder and even though you had NONE of the tech skills I needed I thought you would be a net gain as an actual team formed. I was right.

It's just a bonus you actually learned the skills we needed to boot.

So, after years of hard work and sacrifice to get that degree I was hired for my personality?!  Ouch!

So that is how women who get hired for thier looks feel like huh? :)

Monday, February 28, 2011

Giving a test and failing a test

One time I was interviewing at a hospital in Dallas. I was very conflicted. The technology was uber cool and I really, REALLY wanted to play with it, however the department manager was making quite a point about what a buttoned down formal place this was. I mean he was selling it, bragging about it and how great it was to work there because they had regular cubicle inspections and such. Wow.

Working with technology is the art of creative problem solving and creative people rarely do well in constrained formal work environments. Most technology firms understand this and in order to profit from their talents create work environments that fit them.

I am ex-military and I know I suffered there. "Don't think, follow the manual." is the rule. I once had an old master Sergent tell me that in wartime my solutions to problems would make me a hero but in peacetime they made me a pain in the ass.

So as much as I wanted to work in this hospital I did not think I would be happy there but I was not sure.  So while the department manager was taking me on a tour I had a sudden inspiration! A test! While we were in the cube farm area,  I said  in a moderately loud voice, "We are the knights who say ..." as I heard at least six discreet "Ni's" emanate from the cube farm I turned to the befuddled dept manager with a smile and said, "I think I will be happy here."

I never got an offer. In hindsight I am guessing my little test got me tagged as "pain in the ass" on the spot from his perspective.

Cest la vie.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

A New Show Idea

 
 As if the the E! Network is not already unofficially the Kardashian channel they are getting ready to add yet another program to the Kardashian line up.

Wow, so how do any of these shows stay on the air anyway? Yes, The Kardashian girls are gorgeous. A given, but they are whiny, self possessed and annoying as hell. They are every bit as bad as conceited 13 year old's (since they were raised rich and spoiled 13 is probably about their correct emotional age and state)

Hey E! Here is an idea, How about turning the Kardashian's out into the wild and having big game hunters stalk and hunt them down them with tranquilizer guns? Now THAT is a show I would never miss!

Oh yeah, at least one of the hunters has to be Australian so we can get the whole crocodile hunter format thing going. Imagine all the following in an Aussie accent:

Oy,  look here mate, we are on the trail all right! We have spoor! A purple speckled toenail and a tuft of matted hair still stuck to the waxing strip! Clearly we are on the trail of a wild Kardashian. Sssh sssh, mate, if we listen carefully we can hear the mateing whine of the wild Kardashian..."

{enhanced fuzzy audio} "Nobody ever gives me any respect!  I can't believe I was not invited to her party! I mean I invited her to my party, why didn't she..."

"Yes, yes, mates, we are clearly closing in, quiet now, very quiet as the wild Kardashian can lash out with sharpened claws and really damage your eyes mate.... {stalking...stalking}


A sadly not so rare photo of a wild Kardashian beast in it's natural habitat.
 {wispering} Crickey! Look at that, we have found a wild Kardashian in her natural element, admiring herself in the mirror and whining incessantly. Now is the time to strike, lets shoot the tranq. (FOOONT)

Crickey she is a strong one mate, she is dazed but not going down! Looks like all that partying has built up her resistance to the tranqs! Looks like we need a second tranq for this beefy girl... (FOOONT)

My Gawd, she is still up- the force of self possession and self importance is strong in this one, Two tranqs and she is still stumbling around, we better end this before she hurts her self {FOONT FOONT)

And. she. is. down! It took 4 tranqs! What a trophy mates, what a trophy!

Well mates, that was a smacking good hunt eh? Tune in again and let's see which Kardashian falls next time on "Kardashian Hunters"! Only on E!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Ahhh California

Out in Santa Clara California they are banning the "Happy Meal". The logic goes you should not entice children with toys, clowns and I guess happiness. Interesting thought process.

So I recommend McDonald's create the Unhappy Meal, livers and onion, broccoli and prune juice. Yeah that will sell!

In a great twist, the unhappy meal will probably make all the unhappy people who think up all this silly shit very happy.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Quickies...

Today is my first full day out of bed since last Friday. I have been pretty sick. Then Monday something happened that I thought I thought would never happen to me! I got tired of laying around! {gasp}

Remember the old Olivia Newton John tune, "Lets Get Physical"? If not here is the YouTube of it...

Well yesterday my internal iPod modified it just a bit and I was singing:
"Lets get vertical, vertical,
I wanna get vertical,
Yeah lets get vertical!"

On a different note, here is quick video showing what it would be like if totally oblivious but still over analytical Nerdyredneck somehow wound up in prison...


video

They even got my sexy accent down pat!

Man I hope I get royalties off of this!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Prophecy Fulfilled! (eep)

Ahhhhhhhh! Run people RUN! Michael Jackson's zombie has returned from the dead! I knew this would happen I just KNEW it! I get sooo tired of being right about this shit!



(Full disclosure - I used this bit on Face Book a few months ago but nobody paid any attention to me over there (it seems my humor (such that it is) and face book are not compatible) so I brought it here for you folks to uh *cough*, enjoy)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Chicken Thoughts

Ok, the full story is linked below but the gist of is that a man in the audience of a cock fight was attacked and killed by one of the fighting game cocks.

Armed rooster kills man

The roosters possible thoughts...

"You killed and ate my entire family! DIE you bastard, DIE!"
"Man, I hope I don't fry for this!"
"Oh Sorry, I thought you were Colonel Sanders"
"Oh Sorry, I thought you were Micheal Vick"
"You bet against me, ME? I'll show you!"
"'The Crow" is in a contract dispute so they sent his work over to me"
"Don't be singing "They Come to Snuff the Rooster" around here be-yotch!"
"Yeah, this will get me on Oprah fer sure! What, she is off the air? NooooOOOoooOOO!"
"I will kill one every day until put they George Lopez back on the air!"
"So when do I get my 72 virgins?"
"I hope this makes the "Darwin Awards"
"You wanna see my flair? YOU want to see MY flair?"
"Yeah, I am talking to YOU!"
"I'm LEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOY JEEEEEEN-KIN'S! (gamer joke)

 Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die


The victims possible thoughts...

"Damn, I knew I should not have worn my red Star Trek shirt today"

Ehhh, that's all I got folks. Overall lame I know but it was fun brainstorming. Feel free to chime in!