An odd blend of country redneck and big city computer geek.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I am pretty agnostic when it comes to religion. Yet from the seemingly oddest of casual conversations my random access brain solved a centuries old religious question. (Humble aint I?) Empiricism is dead in the rest of the world (eg Global warming) but I still respect it immensely. So here is actual proof of a major religions tenet!
It all started on a first date. It seems to be one of those ‘standard’ “getting to know you questions”. Every single woman I have dated will ask, “So what do you like to eat”?
I guess this list of standardized date questions must be one of the things women hold committee and vote on during all those communal bathroom visits.
So the latest women in my life asks what do you like to eat? At the moment for some reason I was craving breakfast sausage so I mentioned it, then like a binary link list I just started down the chain, oh bacon and gosh ham is awesome, pork chops, BBQ pulled pork and pork ribs are to die for…
Then suddenly an epiphany! All my favorite foods are pork based. Then upon further reflection it becomes obvious that clearly the pig is the most delicious animal on the planet. I mean nearly every single cut of this animal simply burtsts with flavor!
Then the double epiphany hits! Oh....MA....GAWD! (Literally!) After centuries of debate and bloody conflict proof positive that God prefers Christians!
Picture ancient Jerusalem where three major religions were based at the same time... Imagine a vengeful God pointing his finger and mocking the poor Jews and Muslims..."
Na na na na na! I created the best tasting animal you will ever know of and YOU can't have any! HAHA HA HAAAAA!!
(This might also explain why the Jews and Muslims are still fighting for centuries now. Porkus envy! Freud was sooooo close!)
Then think of all those religions that require vegetarianism- Christianity is the only religion (that I know of) that gets to sample all the wonderful delicious foods God created for us guilt free! Well except I was raised Catholic and they make you feel guilt for even breathing! Shoot 30 years latter and those damned nuns still have me so messed up I still can't masturbate without guilt for making baby Jesus cry! Oh, sorry, drifting...
Yep, no more living in denial, Christians are clearly Gods spoilt children that get all the good presents at Christmas while the other kids get crap. You know, just like Christmas itself! :(
Sorry all you other religions! But jump on in, the ham casserole if freaking AWESOME! There is always room for more at the table.
So I have adapted the old bible camp song to reflect the new reality:
Jesus loves me, this I know because the bible pork chops tell me so!
Oh that old WWII song might have to be revisited too...
Pass the ammo bacon and praise Jesus! (This heathen spell checker keeps suggesting Perseus for Jesus, Perseus really? lol)
So all you Christians out there, show your love, kill a pig for Jesus today!
Oh, as long as I am starting religious foment here let me add that I know from personal experience that jokes about the Hindu God Ganesha having peanut allergies are not freaking funny!
I thought the swelling and contortions made it obvious but every nerd learns sooner or later NEVER analyze some one else's religion. :)