Thursday, February 25, 2010

Ahhhhhh, I see

Heh heh heh, politicians will be politicians so a recent trend in decreasing highway fatalities in Illinois is now being touted as the successful result of some tax payer funded boondoggle or another. (there are so many I loose track)



Being the perpetual cynic, I think it probably has more to do with the fact that people can’t afford to drive as much or as fast as they used to. Now, in many ways I suppose politicians are indeed responsible for that but I don’t expect them to be lining up to take the credit for that one!


So am I deep or what? :)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Lying Bastards!

I hate it when businesses mislead us!

This is NOT what you or anyone would naturally assume it is!





So how embarrassing is it walking into a small manufacturing office with a handful of one dollar bills! :)

Monday, February 22, 2010

Bored at work?

Ok, well my phone is being a royal pain and I can not get the pics I took this weekend transferred to the PC to make today’s post SO I am gonna cheat and use an e-mail I got from Major Thom.

I think you will like it….

I mean playing with dead flies is very rednecky, no? :)


What to do when you are bored at work... (and you are tired of blogging)
1. Kill a few flies
2. Put them in the sun to dry for one hour.
3. Once they are dry, pick up a pencil and paper... Let your imagination flow.

Here are some examples!








Friday, February 19, 2010

That will wake you up!




It's now official, I declare war on bed posts! Damn midnight bladder breaks!

Awhile back Jinksto said I was turning his pets aura bad colors. I bet our kitties aura's went through some color changes after that little tirade last night.

On that note Erika, if you had any dreams last night of someone cussing and yelling now you know what it was.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Springfield Weirdness Report #4

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Or am I just toooo anal retentive me?

Does this strike anyone else as funny? It made me giggle for a while.



I am sure glad they warned me that people driving the wrong way on a one way street probably won't stop for *me* either! :)
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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Quickies

I love peanut butter! I really love crunchy peanut butter. In fact I usually get the super chunky peanut butter. So when I saw "extra super crunchy peanut butter" I had to try it. When I opened it there were just peanuts in the jar. :(

I am tired of being pushed around! We dyslexics are always getting the short end of this stick. So right here right now I shout out to the world "We dyslexics stand together untied!"

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Valentines Day

Valentines Day is a day that every redneck man hates. We know its coming and we know what we MUST do and yet it is sooooo against our very basic nature to do these things.

Still, you do the things the woman you love expects you to do on these occasions so yes, I did my Valentines Day duty and took down the Christmas tree yesterday.

Dang it! Now I just have to put it back up in 9 months.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Legal Ethics

I recently came across an excerpt from a law school ethics class. I thought it was so instructive that it should not just be for potential lawyers. Read on and see if you agree.

The Situation:
Two lawyers start a new practice together. In the beginning business is slow and they are really struggling to stay afloat.

One day while one partner is out to lunch an elderly lady walked into the law office. She wants to have a will created. She explains that even though she is poor and on a very low fixed income she has seen that not having a will can create awful turmoil and fighting amongst the survivors and she wants to avoid that for her family.

The young attorney tells her a simple will is $100. Even though that is a LOT of money to her she agrees. They complete the will and since she just cashed her social security check she takes some fresh crisp $100 bills from her purse, peels one off for the young attorney and leaves.

As the attorney is putting the $100 in the petty cash box he notices that since the bills were so fresh and crisp she actually handed him two $100 bills stuck together.

The Quandary:
Does the young attorney tell his partner about the extra $100 and share it with him or not? Please discuss.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Heroism

We all have hero fantasies. Of course, one of mine has always revolved around the pilots on an airliner being incapacitated and I step forward and fly everyone to safety. I could never quite decide if I wanted Leslie Nielson on board or not though.

Today I finally got a chance to be a hero although no food poisoned flight crew were involved.

We were having a team meeting and someone carries in two dozen donuts and sets them on the table. Everyone starts to moan and groan things like, “Oh no, my diet!”, “What were you thinking to bring such temptations here?”, “Do you know how many Weight Watchers points that is?” or “Ugh, that will five miles on the treadmill tonight!”

Aha! Seeing my opportunity I jumped up and with a wide stance I placed my hands firmly upon my hips, thrust my chest outward, held my head up high and said in my best Tony the Tiger voice, "I’ll save you!" My only regret at the time was that my shirt tail was tucked in so I could get no cape effect whatsoever.

Then I grabbed those doughy little ringlets of evil and threw them out the window thus feeding the poor freezing birds and preventing unwanted weight gain among my coworkers! Win win!

I turned back to my teammates virtually swelling with pride for my double good deed and anxiously awaited their profuse thanks for saving them from the circlets of doom.

Now get this! They were all PISSED and not at the guy who brought a 6 year supply of bad carbs but at *me*! What? Just a second ago they did not want the donuts now they do want them. Somehow not only I am not a hero but I am a big selfish jerk to boot!

I just don’t get humans!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

oowwwwwwww

Oh man I screwed up! I am sooo sick. My stomach is killing me. Why did I do that?

I ate a banana a little while ago! My body simply does not know how to cope with "food" that has not been processed, sterilized, then wrapped in plastic and contains absolutely nothing that came out of a factory.

What was I thinking putting such horrible things in my body? Who knows where the hell that banana has been?

Friday, February 5, 2010

random thoughts...

Do the Special Forces use short buses? That bright yellow must make covert ops tough?

That's a whopper!

Yeah, I am a bachelor so sometimes I eat at gas stations! :)

I find that overall Quick Trip has the best cuisine but they don’t have any of those in Springfield so when I am here I am devout Shell man! :) So succulent, so tasty! I mean where else can a guy get his Recommended Daily Allowance of hydrogenated vegetable protein stamped into a convenient burrito shape in less than 2 minutes?

MMmmmm, just thinking about yummy micro waved hydrogenated vegetable protein wrapped in a clammy tortilla shell is making me hungry right now!

Yeah ok, it’s not good food but when you are in a hurry and need some gas it will do. (is that a pun or not? You be the judge!)

But look at this wrapper…what the hell is THIS blatant lie on the wrapper of this fine specimen of gas station food?

(as always you can click the image to enlarge)


Home baked bun? HOME BAKED BUN? In what bizarre parallel universe could this piece of food facsimile possibly be “HOME BAKED”?

What? Do they have some homeless guy sleep in the building that houses the assembly line so that it’s his ‘home’ therefore the assembly line now qualifies as “home baked”.

OH! Now I get it! Do you ever see all those “You can Work from Home!!” signs along the road? Well LandShire actually has thousands of work from home people baking 20 or 30 buns a day per person and shipping them to LandShire for final assembly! Yeah, I get it now.

PS I hope you noticed that a classy, upscale guy like me does not fart around! I did not buy the normal gas station sandwich. Nope, notice I bought the SUPREME charbroiled hydrogenated vegetable protein pattie sandwich.

That just the way I roll.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Still phoning it in.

Other than office politics my life has been quite dull lately with nothing blog worthy so I continue to "phone it in" and just post another video. (and I swear you do NOT want to hear about the idiocy I have been forced to contend with lately!) Honestly, I don't know what the point of this is but it's funny according to my little perverse world view...

video

Oh, BTW, you can't get a Prius for 14K. :)

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Really?

I got this video from several different sources. Could this be real? Is anyone really this out of touch? I keep looking for the video cuts or other signs of tampering because really, I am having a hard time believing any functional human is this ignorant. (by "functional" I mean can feed and bathe themselves)

Plus she looks familiar to me, is she a "celebrity" of some type? Is this some kind of spoof episode they did with minor celebrities? You know, like the "I'm a celebrity get me out of here" series?

If this is real then that beauty pageant contestant and the congressman that went on and on about the internet being made of tubes both have to be feeling relieved that this video makes them look like brain surgeons! :)

Anyway, here it is in all it's glory...

video

Ok, so true confessions time... with all that said I blew the question too! When I saw the question I said "Romania"! :( In my defense thought the capital of Romania is Bucharest. Budapest-Bucharest... As long as I am aware that France is indeed a country I can live with being that close! :)

Monday, February 1, 2010

Gotta have a backup plan!

My truck driving pilot buddy Major Thom sent me this and it cracked me up. Since I am out of things to post about at the moment I thought I would share it with you! :)

video

As general rule, when you see firemen starting to run away that is a baaaaaaad sign. :)