Thursday, November 27, 2008

B&C Pick up lines.

Thank you for Buying Bubba 'n Cooters book of shore far pick up lines.



No Coal Country gal can possibly reisist these lines!

1) Did you fart? 'cuz you just blew me away!
2) Are yer parents retarded? 'cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea - I jes kin't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? 'cuz I'd like to check you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? 'cuz I can see myself in em.
6) You might not be the best lookin girl here but beauty's only a light switch away.
7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
The best for last!
9) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

New?

Someone at work excitedly told me that they got a new bible! A new bible??

I suddenly had a mental picture of a guy in a beard on TV almost yelling…"Yes, it's our new and improved bible with over 3 TIMES more soul cleansing power than other bibles! Just look at this dirty old soul we found. Now watch how our new and improved bible takes all these stubborn stains off of your soul. Can you believe how that sin just melts away? AMAZING!

JD Powers and associates ranks our Bible "Best in Class" for the last three years running.

So when It comes time for your salvation don't mess around- be the best you can be! Get your new and improved bible TODAY. Don't be the last one your block to have an ooold bible, get your new and improved bible RIGHT NOW!

But wait! If you order RIGHT NOW we will double your order- That's right TWO bibles for $19.99 plus $246 shipping and handling. And if you order RIGHT NOW, we will include a Jell-O mold shaped like the state of Colorado AND a cake pan shaped like the state of Wyoming!

Don't miss out on such an incredible offer- ACT NOW!"

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Lookie!

I broke 10,000 reads! Weeeeeeeee! :)

Crabby Old Man

I got one of those many e-mails we all get his morning. I have NO idea if it a true story or not and frankly I don't care. The best stories are often not true and true or not it touched me and things that touch us are a form of truth regardless of whether they actually happened or not.

Here is the e-mail story...

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem.

Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health.

A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem. And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.


Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses?....What do you see?
What are you thinking.....when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, ....not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ........with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice.....'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice ....the things that you do.
And forever is losing ...A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not.......lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding ....The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? ....Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am .....As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding......as I eat at your will
I'm a small child of Ten.......with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .......who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen....with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now....a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty....my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows..... .that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now ....I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide ....And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ....My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ......With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons....have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me.......to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, ....Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children .......My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me ....My wife is now dead.
I look at the future .......I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing......young of their own.
And I think of the years....... And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age....look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles......grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass .....A young guy still dwells,
And now and again ......my battered heart still swells
I remember the joys.....I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living....life over again.

I think of the years, all too few......gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact.....that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people ...open and see..
Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!!

Monday, November 24, 2008

No Mos!

In a clear violation in all things manly and rednecky I actually went to the mall yesterday.

Mine Gott- where do they hire the carnival hawkers from? You try to walk down the aisle of the mall where all the silly little kiosks are and man you are like fresh meat in the lions den, they all come swarming after you like piranha's sensing a bleeding cow stuck in the mud of the Amazon river! "Are you happy with your cell service?" Are you tired of dry winter skin?" "Is your good furniture scratched up?" "Are you tired of loosing your keys!?" "Do your panties ride up?" Oy vay!

Did I say where did they hire them from? I mean where did they build them at?

They are clearly Terminator hawkers..."Listen, and understand Sarah Connor. That terminator hawker is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are BROKE!"

I mean really, do I look like the kind of person that would spend 70 dollars on a nail care set? So clearly the terminator hawkers programming is off a little and yet she would. Not. Stop! It was incredible!

They prey off of peoples good manners, I mean as long as someone is polite it is hard to tell them to get the hell away from me. But they just wont stop! "Uh, no thank you." "Uh no, I am sure it's a good product but I am not interested." Uh fascinating but I have other things to do." "OK gotta go now!" "DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU!"

I finally shook off the first one after wasting about 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back learning how 70 freaking dollars worth of nail care products CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE! I finally broke away muttering to myself "Man, can you believe THAT shit!" just as the cell phone hawker was in my face!, "Why yes I am happy with my cell service." "No thank you." "I have a contract!" "I am NOT changing carriers!" "I really don't care!" "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"

I am normally a very nice person but by the time the 5th terminator was in my face I said in my best Clint Eastwood sneer and growl, "Step the fuck back!" It worked, so clearly he finished low in terminator class. The irony was he was selling tools and so that was the only product pushed at me all night I might have actually been interested in but by then my all my niceness and interest in ANYTHING anyone came to me with was long gone.

It reminds of that classic scene in the movie "Airplane" where Leslie Nielson has to fight his way through the swarms of begging Hare Krishna's at the airport. I tell ya I was ready to unleash some Kung Fu action myself!

Now I admit I am not a mall person to begin with but that was such a unhappy experience that I will never go into a Mall again. I wonder if Mall management realizes that the little bit of rent they make off those kiosks is hurting their over all business?

Or is it hurting them? How many of you avoid the mall to avoid the terminator hawkers?

It really makes me miss Orange Julius.

Thus ends Rob's bizarre rant of the day.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Home makeover EXTREME!

I heard about this on the radio this week...

They launched the space shuttle this week to do a "home makeover" on the space station...

Here is a short excerpt from the longer linked article...

"Equipment headed to the station includes new sleeping quarters, a second toilet, a new exercise machine and equipment for generating oxygen. The 32,000-pound payload also includes a system to recycle water on the station, including urine, to produce purified water for drinking. The $250 million system is designed to recycle 93 percent of the water used on the station. "

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/15/science/space/15shuttle.html?ref=space

Now the part of that news that I have heard everyone talking about is the waste recycling going "icky!" at the thought of drinking recycled urine! For once my nerdy and redneck halves are in complete sync- we both chuckle at the thought that people don't seem to realize we are ALL drinking recycled urine. Yep that glass of water or coffee you just finished had urine in it at some point! It's all just part of the great circle of life people! :)

So that part of the story never caught my attention at all until other people were getting all gooey about it. The part of the article that did make my weird little mind go off on a tangent was the new exercise machine. I could not help but wonder if it would share the same fate as Earth bound exercise machines- Will it soon become a convenient towel rack or clothes hanger? Keeping in the spirit of it's environment they will probably hang space suits on it.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Safety First!

Perhaps an ironic title after Sundays little adventure in boat diving but still…

I am still contracting for State agencies. This is my desk chair at a state facility. Notice anything here that might violate some basic safety rules let alone fire codes for any second world country?

Bear in mind that this is not a temporary desk thrown up for a couple of weeks or anything- this desk has been here for a long time and will be for long time after I leave.

Isn't it a good thing that the government is immune from government rules? :)




PS- don't you just LOVE that state office decor? Ahhhhh, grays, browns and blacks- homey, yet clinically suicidal.

.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Style and Grace

Well Sunday in Springfield was fairly nice (by winter standards) mostly sunny and almost 50 degrees. It had been raining and gloomy all week so I was thrilled to see the sun.

So miracle of miracles I was hardly on my computer at all on Sunday! {gasp!} I did a little preventative maintenance on the truck and I went out to the marina and took care of my last winter storage task on my the boat. I have a big canvas cover for it that that snaps down all around the edges.

Remember this picture?



If you click the picture and make it full sized you can see the cover on it and all the snaps.

If you look close you can also see the little ledge that runs around the edge so you can walk aound the windshield to get up to the front top of the boat. Well I was working my way around the boat on that ledge pulling and snapping the cover down. The deck and ledge was still wet from all the rain this week and oh yeah, I slipped and fell right off the boat.

It's only like a 6 or 7 foot so it's not really a big drop but since I slipped in the first place it was not the most coordinated of falls! Fortunately my face broke my fall so everything was fine.

The funny part, at least to me, is that all summer long every single time I walked down that little ledge I always made sure I emptied my pockets first so I would not get my wallet or cell phone wet if I fell off and went into the water. Not once allllll summer long did I slip off that ledge. Now, NOW when there is hard ground versus soft water, NOW I fall off the fricken ledge!

Remember the movie "Toy Story"? One of my all time favorite movie quotes is, "This is not flying, this is falling- With style!" So, conversely, falling with the absolute lack of style must be flying- Right? If so I sure went flying Sunday! Weeeeeee!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Did they think we would not notice?

Funny, I was at the store last night and I noticed that leftover Halloween candy is cheap, cheap, cheap!

At the same time they have the Christmas candy out and it's pretty pricey.

MMmmmm. Black and orange Hershey Kiss's for $1.97 or red and green kiss's for $5.

What a choice! What will I do?

If you ask me black and orange is quite Christmassy thank you very much! :)

Thursday, November 13, 2008

We can only hope

Did you ever see something that just made you angry? That made you feel bad? That made you think you need to do SOMETHING to make this a better world? Well I had a moment like this today. I mean it only started as a trip to the copy machine but then I saw it and I could not unsee it! The bile began to rise and I began to fume!

Then I started pointing out the wrongness of it to the people around me. I mean people are just so used to the status quo that when you point blatant injustice out to them they just stare at you like you are weird or something.

That made me even more angry and determined to put a stop to this senseless madness no matter what it takes!

Who knew that a mere trip to the copy machine would lead to a life changing epiphany! Cusp moments! They are everywhere and you just don't know it until it is too late!

When oh when will the hating stop?



When Obama gets into to power these people are going to pay!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Poor Grandma

Are you ready for all digital broadcast TV?

If not here is a short and simple explanation of what to do. So easy even a caveman could do it! Watch and see...


video