Jihad!

I am pretty agnostic when it comes to religion. Yet from the seemingly oddest of casual conversations my random access brain solved a centuries old religious question. (Humble aint I?) Empiricism is dead in the rest of the world (eg Global warming) but I still respect it immensely. So here is actual proof of a major religions tenet!

It all started on a first date. It seems to be one of those ‘standard’ “getting to know you questions”. Every single woman I have dated will ask, “So what do you like to eat”?

I guess this list of standardized date questions must be one of the things women hold committee and vote on during all those communal bathroom visits.

So the latest women in my life asks what do you like to eat? At the moment for some reason I was craving breakfast sausage so I mentioned it, then like a binary link list I just started down the chain, oh bacon and gosh ham is awesome, pork chops, BBQ pulled pork and pork ribs are to die for…

Then suddenly an epiphany! All my favorite foods are pork based. Then upon further reflection it becomes obvious that clearly the pig is the most delicious animal on the planet. I mean nearly every single cut of this animal simply burtsts with flavor!

Then the double epiphany hits! Oh....MA....GAWD! (Literally!) After centuries of debate and bloody conflict proof positive that God prefers Christians!

Picture ancient Jerusalem where three major religions were based at the same time... Imagine a vengeful God pointing his finger and mocking the poor Jews and Muslims..."

Na na na na na! I created the best tasting animal you will ever know of and YOU can't have any! HAHA HA HAAAAA!!

(This might also explain why the Jews and Muslims are still fighting for centuries now. Porkus envy! Freud was sooooo close!)

Then think of all those religions that require vegetarianism- Christianity is the only religion (that I know of)  that gets to sample all the wonderful delicious foods God created for us guilt free! Well except I was raised Catholic and they make you feel guilt for even breathing! Shoot 30 years latter and those damned nuns still have me so messed up I still can't masturbate without guilt for making baby Jesus cry! Oh, sorry, drifting...

Yep, no more living in denial, Christians are clearly Gods spoilt children that get all the good presents at Christmas while the other kids get crap. You know, just like Christmas itself! :(

Sorry all you other religions! But jump on in, the ham casserole if freaking AWESOME! There is always room for more at the table.

So I have adapted the old bible camp song to reflect the new reality:

Jesus loves me, this I know
because the bible pork chops tell me so!


Oh that old WWII song might have to be revisited too...

Pass the ammo bacon and praise Jesus! (This heathen spell checker keeps suggesting Perseus for Jesus, Perseus really? lol)

So all you Christians out there, show your love, kill  a pig for Jesus today!

Lord Ganesha. 

Oh, as long as I am starting religious foment here let me add that I know from personal experience that jokes about the Hindu God Ganesha having peanut allergies are not freaking funny!

I thought the swelling and contortions made it obvious but every nerd learns sooner or later NEVER analyze some one else's religion. :)

Laundry

Over at The Layers The Onion wrote "You have to pay attention to laundry."

What? You have to pay attention to laundry? Really? Why didn't I get this memo?

See I usually throw a load in the washer then a few days later when I have no clean undies left I will start sorting the dirty clothes to wash and then I will go "What? No clean undies in the drawer, and only a few dirty ones in the hamper? Where in the hell are all my undies? Have my prayers been answered and I finally have a stalker stealing my undies?

Then Erica (seemingly having minor psychic powers) will say, "Hey Rob, your clothes have been in the washer for a week, mind getting them out so I can do a load?

OH! So there are all my undies! Awwww, another dream of being stalked dies on the vine!

Ah, a day in the nerdy life

Nerdy Movies that Transend Nerdom

Since it is a holiday weekend you might have some downtime so here are some ideas!

I have tried to make a list of really good nerd movies that no one has seen. If you have not seen the following movies you really really should. Yes, they are nerd movies on the surface so most 'danes blow them off and miss a really good show for it. However, they are soooo good you will be glad you did see them!

Bicentennial Man.  - Based on an Issac Asimov story. Asimov is considered one of the three grand deans of Science Fiction.

This is one of the best sci-fi movies ever made though there is very little "sci-fi" in it. Only something on the order of 12 people have ever seen it! Nine of them I held at gunpoint and forced them to watch until they were hooked on their own! (Average time required to put down fire arm; 12-18 minutes ;)  )

Robert Heinlein (another of the three grand deans) said that good Sci-fi is always about the people, the characters. Oh certainly people who are impacted in some way by the technology in their life but it's still about the people. This movie totally NAILS that concept. Even if some of them are not even technically people! :)

After you see this movie you WILL thank me for it. Ignore the rest of this post if you like, you MUST see this movie! Don't make me get my gun! :)

Please come back and comment after you see it. I really want to know what you thought.

October Sky - The true story of how the launch of Sputnik affected the lives of a group of high school kids in a poor mining town. It is one of the best movies you have never seen. Laura Dern's character is truly special and it may be the only Jake Gyllenhaal movie made where he does not make you feel vaguely uncomfortable. :)


I.Q. - Meg Ryan, Tim Robbins, Walter Mathou. That really should be enough for you to want to see it. BUT OH MAH DEAR GAWD! MEG RYAN AS A HUUUUUGE MATH NERD. Oh my heart! I could actually feel it melting and running down into my legs. Well maybe that was the popcorn butter but STILL! Wow!

Then other than his incredible good looks and the fact that I was an aircraft mechanic instead of auto, Tim Robbins character was written after me. Yup! (even if the writers did not know it!)

Real Genius - A very young Val Kilmer (Pre- Top Gun) stars in this flick about child geniuses in college. Not a serious flick by any means but it's a lot of good goofy nerdy fun. If you knew any nerds in college the "life in the dorms" parts of the film are pretty damned funny!

Nerd Guy - "I can't pee while your watching me"
Nerd Gal  - "That's weird. Why not"

It's a solid 9 on the nerd-o-meter!

Galaxy Quest Hmmmmm, I debate; I'm not sure if its obscure enough for this list. Among nerdom it is well known (unlike the most of the others listed here) but I am not sure how well known outside of nerddom! Either way, you can't go wrong in seeing it. Alan Rickman finally shook off the Klaus typecasting in this film freeing him up for "Marvin" (next review) and ultimately Snape.

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - Ah, originally written by one of the writers for "Monty Python's Flying Circus" (Douglas Admas) This is the first comedy sci-fi I know of. And its pretty darned good comedy too...

"I decided long ago I would rather be happy than rich."
"So, are you happy?"
"Well...Now, that is where the plan falls down now isn't it?"

Alan Rickman as the voice of Marvin the depressed robot is pure art!

"Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take you to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, 'cause I don't."

Marvin: I've been talking to the ship's computer.
Arthur: And?
Marvin: (Dripping with venom) It hates me.

Ok, to finish this lame post up - invest a measly 3 minutes of your life in this old animated song. The graphics were high tech at one time! I adore the campiness though and parts of the tune have just a bit of the old brain worm effect going. This may be the only rap song I have ever liked (even though the Yoda segment is the only really "rappy" part)

I know, you are hesitating now! Show some trust! You'll like it, I promise! It's only 3 minutes! what do you have to loose,



Darth Vader "Churning the butter!" Really? Does life get any better than that?

("Owwwww, why'd you slice off my hand?!")
Your welcome!

It not about the north or the south side, its about the dark side!

Damn the Sith!

Dark Energy Driving the Universe Apart!

There but for the grace of God...

No wait, I do go there!

I am the world's WORST at names. I blame my general nerdyness for this!

Like Will Rogers I never forget a face and when I see your face I have a VERY good memory about our shared past (be it personal or professional) but most times I will NOT remember your blinking name!

THEN I have this deal that if I learn your name wrong I probably will never get it right in the future. Once I have managed to burn it into the neurons it's there forever, right or wrong!

As a consequence, I refer to the world as bud, buddy, amigo, compadre, partner etc.

"Hey Bud! Long time no time! Whacha been up to amigo?"

Sigh. Yes, I know it's terrible.

One of my few redeeming qualities though is I am not a hypocrite. Unlike some people I can name, I wont live in an 8,000-square-foot house and fly in a biz jet that burns 113 gallons of fuel an hour and then lecture you on your carbon footprint.

So, I met a woman few weeks ago. Somehow, just like I do, she learned my name wrong. She calls me Rich instead of Rob.  I corrected her a couple of times at first but then since I understand the syndrome I just let it go and I am getting pretty good at answering to Rich/Richard.

What makes this story funny though is that in her case it seems her name mangling is an hereditary trait! I went to a family picnic thing with her last Sunday and as she introduced me to each of her family members as Rich I would immediately say "Actually it's Rob, nice to meet you!"
"Nice to meet you too Rich!"

Now her whole family calls me Richard!

Since I am NOT a hypocrite though I just laugh uproariously on the inside and grin on the outside and answer to Rich

A tale of nerdy vengence!

Ok, as I have discussed before my son did not directly inherit my nerdmanity. All through school he was the jock, the football star.

We had satellite TV then which carried the BBC and more than once I tried to get him to watch reruns of Monty Pythons Flying Circus with me but he HATED it. "This is so stupid Dad!"
Oh my- the squirting sound as my heart was crushed could be heard in the next room but you have to accept that while he is your son he has his own tastes.

At my Dallas house his bedroom is next to my home office. It was a Saturday and he had several members of his football team over but the weather was shitty and there was nothing on TV. I could hear them complaining about how bored they were. After about a half hour of listening to them whine I went to my room and got my Holy Grail DVD.

I knocked on his door and told the group, "I been hearing you guys say how bored you are so I want just 5 minutes of your time, just watch this DVD for 5 minutes and if you don't like it I will just pop it out and not say a word more about it."

I could see them trying to figure out what the catch was so I added, "You are already bored to tears, what do you have to loose?" So they agreed.

As  I pulled the DVD from behind my back my son was like "Oh no Dad! Not that!" I just replied, 5 minutes, what do you have to loose?

So I went to scene selection and chose "The tale of Sir Lancelot"

This is the scene where the kings gay son is being forced to marry against his will and is locked in the tallest tower to await the marriage. So he sent a tale of woe out on an arrow arrow telling of his plight and asking for some brave knight to rescue me.

Of Course sir Lancelot assumes someone being held in a tower, forced to marry and looking for a knight is a DAMSEL. So lancelot rips into this little fiefdom peacefully preparing for a wedding and commenced to hack and slay his way through men and women who have no idea at all they are being attacked.
"Oh aren't these flowers lovely-  Ung!!"

The boys, (being teen age boys) were howling with laughter. Its a 7 minute scene and at the 5 minute mark I pulled the DVD.

"They were all like "whoa wait a minute we want to see that!"
"OH I know how stupid Monty Python is. Sorry I made you watch it. Sorry Brian for boring your friends with this stupid stuff!"

Oh I was so mean, I made them BEG for it! BWUH HA HA HA HA!

A nerd's revenge on the football team 20 years delayed but fulfilled!

I still owe the those cheerleaders though! Some day, some day my nerdy vengence quest will be complete!

Failing a test and Passing a test

Ok, this story is the flip-side of yesterdays story!

I was looking for that critical first job right out of college. You know, you have the degree but you have zippo experience and employers are wary.

I went to an interview at Automated Telephone Management systems. I interviewed with one of the lead programmers there. After about 5 minutes it became painfully obvious I had nothing they were looking for. What I had studied and what they were doing were just totally different.

I knew I was not getting this job so I relaxed and with the pressure off my playful personality came out. I remember even cracking a joke about how I did not like their toilet in the lobby. It had a "booster seat" for the handicapped and said I felt like I was 5 years old with my legs dangling off the toilet like that.

The people in the surrounding cubes and the guy interviewing me all broke up laughing.

Then I delved off into Kirk VS Picard. My long standing position is that when Picard delvers a flying drop kick to someones chest then bags the blue chick, THEN we can talk!

Again laughter rippled throughout the surrounding cubes!

They made me an offer. I was SHOCKED!

Everyday I was there I was convinced they would realize their mistake and fire me so I really hit the books and studied all the new technology they used. I was given simple assignments that let me learn without overwhelming me. Still I was ready for that ax to fall any second!

In the meantime that manager at the hospital in the previous story would have LOVED this place. It was full of anti-social nerds who never said anything or talked to anybody. The monastery like silence was killing me! Once day I even stood up in my cube and yelled "What is this a library!? Somebody say something!"

So I started just going to random cubes and saying something like "It's break time lets go outside and see the sun?" Then I would get a chance to talk to that person and get to know them a little. Once the ice was broken they would talk to you in the future. One by one I pulled the monks out of their cubicles and got them talking to me. Before long I had us going to lunches together or hanging out together after work. Of course some people never joined in but most did.

I had been there about 5 months and I knew I was getting the technology down when I was assigned my first major project. It was a tough one too! In fact, It was so tough no one else wanted it and basically it got fobbed off on the new guy!

When I  pulled off that project I felt secure in that job for the first time. There was a question I had wanted to ask for 6 months but never dared ask before. Now that I no longer felt they were going to fire me at any second I finally asked it.

Mr. Manager, why did you hire me? I knew nothing you needed!

He nodded and chuckled! Well Rob, I had a personnel problem here. I had a lot of really bright gifted people working here but I did not have a team. They were not working together.  No one ever talked to each other, they never bonded. I had tried to loosen them up but as the boss they would not ease up around me. In your interview I tagged you as a team builder and even though you had NONE of the tech skills I needed I thought you would be a net gain as an actual team formed. I was right.

It's just a bonus you actually learned the skills we needed to boot.

So, after years of hard work and sacrifice to get that degree I was hired for my personality?!  Ouch!

So that is how women who get hired for thier looks feel like huh? :)

Giving a test and failing a test

One time I was interviewing at a hospital in Dallas. I was very conflicted. The technology was uber cool and I really, REALLY wanted to play with it, however the department manager was making quite a point about what a buttoned down formal place this was. I mean he was selling it, bragging about it and how great it was to work there because they had regular cubicle inspections and such. Wow.

Working with technology is the art of creative problem solving and creative people rarely do well in constrained formal work environments. Most technology firms understand this and in order to profit from their talents create work environments that fit them.

I am ex-military and I know I suffered there. "Don't think, follow the manual." is the rule. I once had an old master Sergent tell me that in wartime my solutions to problems would make me a hero but in peacetime they made me a pain in the ass.

So as much as I wanted to work in this hospital I did not think I would be happy there but I was not sure.  So while the department manager was taking me on a tour I had a sudden inspiration! A test! While we were in the cube farm area,  I said  in a moderately loud voice, "We are the knights who say ..." as I heard at least six discreet "Ni's" emanate from the cube farm I turned to the befuddled dept manager with a smile and said, "I think I will be happy here."

I never got an offer. In hindsight I am guessing my little test got me tagged as "pain in the ass" on the spot from his perspective.

Cest la vie.

Yeah, he's one!

Nerd, first class, reporting for duty sir.

(click to enlarge if you need too)

Apparently "Captain Kirk" is a little on the paranoid side. He saw some guy sitting behind him (trying) to take a photo and he was OFF! So it turned into a movie based car chase before he got stuck at a red light I got my picture. Yesssss!

Oh,  the things I do and the sacrifices I make for my three readers! 

Nerds Rock!

Note the following e-mail thread from here at work.

Names have been redacted to protect the guilty...

-------------------------------------------------
To :    Supportgroup@il.gov
From: XXXX

Subject: Hung processing this morning

Hey XXXXXXXX,


As a preemptive strike... XXXX told me the CRI.PROCESSNATMSINMSGS has run since 9:08. I'm guessing some user had a lock on something yet again. Would you please take a look? Also, could you let me know who the offender is.

What are your thoughts on providing scripts/privileges to whomever is on call to check to see if there are locks on this job and to kill the offender's session?

------------------------------------------------
 
Now knowing there is no way on Earth they were going to let the requester have the access needed to keep things running smooth (its a government thing) and knowing that this is the kinda of thing that starts wars I decided to throw a little levity in to defuse the situation and "replied all" with the following...
 
------------------------------------------------
 
To : Supportgroup@il.gov

From: Nerdyredneck
Subject: Hung processing this morning

What were you thinking! Mine gott man, do you have any idea how much whirling and twirling and knocking we have going on in this system here?

If they gave you the level of access you requested then it is possible, even probable that squirrels could collide on the exercise wheels, then fly off into space, fall through a black hole and travel back in time to a primordial earth. At some point it then becomes inevitable that squirrel DNA would be infused in the primordial ooze and all life on earth would become squirrel based. Humans would never have existed.

So seriously, do you want that kind of responsibility on your shoulders? DO YOU?

I did not think so.

Nerdyredneck

------------------------------------------------

So for the last 10 days or so since I sent that out I have been receiving nearly daily e-mails from team members with the subject of TOO LATE containing um, interesting photos, here is a sampling....

Avast thar maties and heave too fer a code walk through.

Kin ah go to da salt lick Pa? Kin I?

Die Infidel pig!









And now young Jedi, you. will. die!





Nerds are just sooooo awesome!

Then of course we have one from me from over three years ago... Former Pop Star Gunned Down
.
.
.

My son, my son

Two quickies about my boy...

Just a week or two ago I told you all he did not seem to inherit any nerdiness from me. I might have to rethink that.

So last Sunday I was working on my truck, flush and fill the coolant, change the oil , etc., getting her ready for the trip back to north of the the arctic circle (aka the Mason-Dixon line) . As previously noted my truck is pretty tall. I stand 5'11 and its still hard for me to reach inside the engine compartment as the fenders nestle nicely into my armpits. :)

So I am standing on an old chair to work. My son takes a look, walks to the garage wall grabs the step ladder and says "Here, try this Pop".

Who's son is THIS? I mean just how UN-Texan can you get?

On the other hand, the ladder clearly works better, its easier to get up and down from and even has a handly shelf for my tools and everything! The step ladder far far was more efficient! (and therefore nerdy) Hmmmm. Maybe a few nerd genes did slip into the old baby batter after all?

*******************************************************

Last summer he picked me up from the airport in his Ford truck.  

He pulled up to me in arrivals and he had a cute little dog in his lap. I just stood at the curb with slight vertigo while my world view rebooted.

"What's wrong Dad?"
"Son, you did not have to lie. I would love you no matter what."
"What are you talking about?"
"You did not have to hang posters of Tyra Banks and Jessica Simpson in your room all those years."
"What are you talking about?"
"You could have just told me you were gay. You did not have to hide it, oh from your friends on the football team sure but not from me!"
"What THE HELL are you talking about Dad?"
"You have a little lap dog in your truck dude! That is profoundly gay son."
"No it's not! Lots of Texas men have dogs in their trucks!"
"In their trucks YES, in their laps, NO!"

We both had a decent laugh then I got in the truck.

Then I found out "lap dog" is not a voluntary act. In two minutes I had a lap dog like it or not. (damn thing was so cute too!)

So my brilliant son says in a dead pan, "So that whole marriage thing with Mom was just a cover up, huh Dad?"

That boy is sharp...I am soooo proud.

Nerd Music

I posted both of these separately years ago. I checked them out again yesterday and they are simply so nerdariffic (and even geektastic) that they are certainly worthy of a repost!

You might want to double click them so they detach, blogspot and youtube are both owned by Google but for some reason blogspot cuts off the right edge of youtube videos! :(

Weird Al - White and Nerdy

I LOVE the cameos' by Donny Osmond and Seth Green both smacking their ass'.

The lady getting the "gift" on the couch is Judy Tenuta. I don't know why her career fizzled out so soon,  I really thought she was great. (You can't get a body like mine in a bottle...unless you push REAL hard!)

Ironically I just bought Erika a power strip this weekend! Eeeep! :(



NIT PICKS

1) Nerds don't use pocket protectors anymore because we do not use those ancient writing stick things anymore. So there is nothing to protect our pocket from. Now you keep your smart phone in that pocket. ;)

2) Nerds DO NOT shop at The Gap! {Gasp} Oh the blasphemy of it all! The Gap is for people who worry more about how things look than how they perform!

Next up...

It's good to be a geek!

This one has a great tune to boot.



"A 13th level halfling fighter thief" Oh yeah man, that's the good stuff!

NIT PICKS

Steve Jobs is NOT a geek! Steve Wozniak was the geek responsible for the Mac. Jobs was the pretty boy front man who gets the credit for all the real geek's labors. I am no Bill Gates fan but at least he can code.

Steve Jobs is the kind of guy that shops at "The Gap" :)

Evolution

I love evolution. I think it is super cool how organisms can change and adapt to new environments.

In science fiction a long running theme for stories has been that for 3 million years humanity was shaped by its environment. We control our environment now so without any need for us to change will we continue to evolve? If so, how?

Lots of science fiction writers have assumed that in long term zero gravity environments human toes will become prehensile. Hard to argue with that one. It makes a lot of sense.

Now I once put forward the hypothesis is that if shirt pockets and touch screen phones continue long enough then men (who wear the shirt pockets) will develop prehensile nipples. Then you will no longer have to take your phone out of your pocket to answer, dial, etc.

Now I have to tell you, no "futurist" that I know have has predicted the formation of a prehensile butt cheeks but obviously with the environment this subject finds herself in this appears to be a desirable adaptation

Ain't evolution great!

(so to those who questioned my nerdmanity, I submit for your approval that I took a photo of a hottie in spandex and made it nerdy. Yeah, I'm that good!! And modest too! lol)

Fallen Heros!

 My nerdyness MUST be hereditary. Even my earliest memories were nerd stricken. Even before kindergarten I would sneak out of bed to watch critical moments of Apollo missions. For some reason extracting the LIM, lunar lift off, etc  always took place in the wee hours of the morn. We only had one TV and my parents slept upstairs so I could get up at 3:00 AM, sneak into the front room and settle down with some Cap'n Crunch, Walter Cronkite and NASA (back when NASA was run by engineers instead of bureaucrats)

However, my son does not seem to have inherited my nerdyness. As least not nearly as virulent a strain. Perhaps the nerdy gene skips a generation (like my color vision issue that kept me from being an astronaut?)

I mean as a teenager he had sports illustrated swimsuit posters on his wall NOT Star Wars Posters! Oh a fathers pain!

Hey now, Princess Leia was HOT too! Even her name was a double entendre! (In fact, to this day a cinnamon bun will remind me of a young Carrie Fisher in a thin occasionally clingy white dress. Hmmm, suddenly I wonder ifs any of the "secrets of male arousal" in that Cosmo magazine involved putting cinnamon buns on your head? Prolly not! Sorry, I drifted! Its early )

I can remember well RUNNING home from school to watch reruns of "Lost in Space". We got out of school at some odd ball time like 3:20 and the show started at 3:30 so I had to RUN to make it home in time. Once we got into first grade and had recess 3 of my friends and I would play "Lost in Space" every single day at both recesses. And every single day we would argue over who got to be Will Robinson. Then the 3 losers of that fight would start a new fight over who got to be Robot.

I was full bore baby! I had the lost in space lunch box, I built models of the Jupiter II, I had a toy of ROBOT ( a Christmas present from my beloved Aunt) that would just EAT batteries in nothing flat but it would flail it's arms and say "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER! and "Does not compute" so who cared how much chore money I spent on his food (batteries)

Check out Snippets of Robot B-9.



You could open a pizza franchise with the cheese from just this 30 second clip! OY VEY!

So a big part of my very early years were centered around this show for example, just look at the Jupiter II.

The Jupiter II

With an eraser and just a little work from your pocket pen knife and  by breaking up a paper clip and shaping the pieces just so you can build a pretty good facsimile of the Jupiter II at your school desk.

Of course touching down on a new and alien planet and investigating the strangely familiar yet incredibly huge alien "flies" on your desk the new planets surface during bible study is a damned fine way to get Sister Mary Elizabeth to crack your knuckles with a ruler. Not too mention Dad always going "Another eraser ? What the hell do you need with another eraser?

Sooo.... flash forward....one year when my son Brian was in first grade during Christmas Vacation it was cold and icky outside and we were watching TV together and we saw a commercial ... They were going to have a Lost in Space Marathon and show every episode back to back! Starting in about 15 minutes! Wow! I was excited, I had not seen the show since my age was in the single digits. So I rapidly told Brian about how much I loved this show when I was his age and this was going to be AWESOME that we could see some episodes together. My excitement was contagious and he was READY for Lost in Space now I tell ya!

Then the first episode begins and I... am... shocked. This show is HORRIBLE. The writing is horrible, the plot is STUPID! They are sending a FAMILY to start a colony on Alpha Centauri. A FAMILY to start a colony? "Helllooo Planet Incest, mission control calling, can you read me? We need a status update on project INBRED"! I mean WTH Man? I can't believe this show was not protested!

Then talk about production values...my God, look at this alien from the first episode. You can actually SEE the paper mache. What alien species has NO FACIAL MOVEMENT WHATSOEVER when it speaks? Egads man!

Just mind bendingly bad special effects!

I was devastated. I had LOVED this show and it is just sooooo horrible. Oh how my hero's have fallen.

On the other hand I was doing my best not to ruin this for Brian. I mean I was the same age when I first watched it and I did not see how horrible this show was then so keep your mouth shut dad and let Brian soak up the magic of new discovery via imagination that only a young unjaded mind can conjure.

After just a little bit, Brian says, "Dad?"
"Yeah"
"So you really liked this show"
"Yes, I did."
"Uh, do I have to watch this?" Of course, Brian grew up on Star Wars, Babylon 5 and Star Trek Next Generation. Even at his age he knew what descent nerd based entertainment was supposed to be like!
"You don't like it huh?"
After a moments hesitation, "Oh Dad, it's really bad."
"I know son, I know. Lets find something else"

Oh how our memories can be soooooo wrong. That was a very sad day for me.

My virtual Cuz' Jinktso

Yesterday Jinksto left a comment on my Snerds post. I usually answer comments in the comments section but every now and then a comment deserves a post all it's own!

So Jinksto wrote:

"Three posts in a row that have caused me to comment. I'm not commenting tomorrow."

What? Why not, you act like its a bad thing? I live for comments!

In fact, I have started to suspect that poor Tammy has been leaving me "pity comments" she knows she is the only one who leaves me comments most of the time anymore so her continuing to leave comments is the bloggy equivalent of throwing a buck at the homeless dude on the sidewalk each morning!

In fact, pondering Tammy's plight I have coined the term: Oblogation: feeling obligated to read and comment on someones blog! :)

Poor Tammy! A heart of gold though!

"A friend and I were chatting about nerd blogs last night. Interestingly, yours came up. we both read yours. One of the comments was that, "yeah, he writes good stuff"

Ahhhh, lifted to dizzying heights on the wings of praise

" but it's not as 'nerdy' as the blog name implies"

Then hurled bloodily to the rocks below! lol!

I can honestly say this is the first time I have ever been accused of not being nerdy enough. I am sure Erika will choke when she reads that! ;)

I find it vastly funny that you think the fact that your D&D group frequently had these guys playing was testament to their (and your) nerdness but seem to blaze past the statement that your even HAVING a D&D group makes.

Huh. You lost me there. Why is that funny? lol

Jinksto, I had no idea you liked the nerdy side. When you do comment it's usually on the rednecky posts and you often brag about your redneckness on your blog. The only exception is our discussions of chi-chi's aura! :) (may chi-chi's aura remain pastels!)

Thanks though, your comment really made my day! Seriously!

And hey, friend of Jinksto, feel free to come out of lurker mode. Now that I have had some feedback I will endeavor to let my inner nerd come out and play more often!

Snerds

As you all may recall I have in the past bragged about my internal I-POD.

I have about 60 gig of music in my internal wet ware and I have a feature none of your lowly i-Pods do, a relevance generator. My shuffle function will often pull up and play music to match what I am currently doing/seeing.

So last night I was cooking supper and as I was putting potato peels down the garbage disposal my relevance generator loaded "Water Flowing Underground" into my internal i-Pod from a group I had almost totally forgotten about! The Talking Heads.

Oh man I forgot how AWESOME they were too! Ya gotta check this one out! (Anybody else remember this one?)


Watch - Once in a lifetime


As I watch this I NOW remember going to dances and imitating several of these moves (because *I* thought they were so awesome!!!!????)

Suddenly I realize why in spite of looking like this <--- I was still sooooo desperately lonely as a teenager! I mean, seriously,  what hot teenage girl could possibly resist that Egyptian walk thing (55 seconds in) or that Spaz thing (1:11) on the dance floor! LOL!

The fact that my Dungeons and Dragons group often had these guys going in the background while we were playing should have been a major clue!

In fact, my D & D group actually adopted that "Chopping your wrist" motion seen in the video as our official greeting/handshake. "Same as it ever was" with a shoulder shrug became our equivalent of "Que sera sera"
("WTH? Your troll defeated my Kobold dwarf?
"Same as it ever was!" )

It is still mind-bogglingly awesome though. These guys are nerd hero's. In spite of being completely and OBVIOUSLY nerds, they still rose through the ranks of all the cool people and were big time rock stars getting their money for nothing on the M T Veeeeeeee.

This makes them no ordinary nerds. Oh no, they are clearly SUPER nerds! Since nerds love to abbreviate (or acronym) everything this makes them SNERDS.

LONG LIVE THE SNERDS The Talking Heads.

In order to fully appreciate their full Snerdy awesomeness,  while you are on youtube be sure to listen to "And She Was" and "Stay up Late" and Burning Down the House. Of course "take me to the river" was the one that put them on the map. If you have had a baby or love any baby, I DARE you to listen to "Stay up late" without a goofy grin on your face! :) ("looking so cute, in his little red suit!" )

I am going to find a Talking Heads "Greatest hits" album so I can get some decent fidelity and relive my lonely, awkward and horrible teen years again in full stereo!

Nerds Rule!

Sorry, this is two posts in a row of a non humor nature (unless of course like me you consider the TSA and "homeland security" to be HUGE albeit incredibly expensive jokes)

I have a new blogger hero! PLUS he is a software guy too! NERDS RULE!

You have probably heard of him since he seems to be headlining the news today but in case you have not...

When a TSA agent informed him we was going to pat down his groinal area he replied, "If you touch my junk I will have you arrested" (As the old commercial said, "that's sexual harassment and I don't have to take it!")

Needless to say he did not fly that day (and he may never fly again!)

6 TSA agents and a Police officer escorted him back to the ticket area, THEN a TSA supervisor told him if he left the airport without his groinal pat down he would be subject to a 10,000 fine and a civil suit.

He told the TSA supervisor 'see ya in court' and left! ROFL!

I love this guy! I want to have his children! What an American! (This nation was born defying ignorant unelected rulers. You know, like TSA agents and Federal Judges)

His Blog that started it all

Here is a shorter San Diego News story that will give you the gist quickly

Perspective

How things change depending on the view point!

When I was oh so young I was already hooked on science fiction thanks to the master story teller Robert A. Heinlien. Then along comes this crazy movie called Star Wars. It was about a farm boy who wanted more than anything to be a fighter pilot.

As far as I was concerned the movie was about me. I never understood how Lucas had me to a "T" when as far as I new we had never met yet he made a movie about me. :)

Needless to say my love affair was deep! I read the book 27 times (I put a mark on the back fly page each time I finished it.) When the movie FINALLY got to a smaller theater near me I literally spent the whole Saturday there. I hid in the bathroom between each showing and watched it 4, 5 (???) times back to back. It was the greatest thing EVER.

Then I met each addition to the Star Wars legacy with great excitement.

25 years later my perspective seems to have shifted. Recently I saw all 6 movies back to back. This is something no fan should ever do I guess. As I OD'd on Star Wars I began to notice things that my love blinders had previously filtered out. I have compiled a list of all the annoying sometimes nonsensical things I noticed (and can still remember!) as I watched all the movies back to back. Its a list that makes me sad. It's like realizing your life long best friend steals from orphans for a living or something. :(

NOTE: Phantom Menace = first movie here and the Original "Star Wars" is the 4th movie

1. It hurts but it must be said! Luke was a whinny little bitch. (My hero! NooooOOOoooOOo!)

2. As was his father before he got evil.

3. As is the stupid golden robot, C3PO!

4. Speaking of which- I want to meet the shitty programmer who created a protocol droid that was soooooo annoying! How is a machine that pisses off everything around it going to be an effective diplomat!?

In that mighty future could they not just download a better personality for the whiney bitch robot?

5. How is that C3PO, being so damned annoying was not killed several times over? I would have killed it pretty quick myself!

6. Then to top it off why in the hell would anyone reassemble the sumbish after he was blown apart!? I mean a party celebrating not having to listen to him would have been more in order than rebuilding him. I mean seriously!?

7. The Empire might not have fallen had they had at least ONE competent storm trooper in the last three movies. I mean in those last three movies storm troopers fired thousands of shots and they had one and ONLY one hit when they blew C3PO apart. In fact, in cloud city Chewbacca is running down a hall with an annoying droid strapped to his back and the storm trooper is behind him and MISSED! WTF! How can you miss an 8 foot wookie IN A HALLWAY when you are shooting him in the back!? GAAAH!

8. Ok you are a bounty hunter. You have Han Solo pinned against a wall. You let him keep his hand beneath the table? WTF? Was "Greedo" alien for Forest Gump? Maybe Rainman?

9. Remember in the original Star Wars movie, Darth Vader is a flunky taking flak off admirals and running errands for Grand Moff Tarkin? Hey this dude was #2 only to the emperor, how'd he get to be Tarkin's bitch? If I am evil, Tarkin is toast the minute the emporor says he is my boss. (Uh, sorry my master, apparently he choked on his steak! Such a tragedy! Heimlich? Who the hell is Heimlich?)

10. Vader tortured Leia in the 4th movie to extract military info from her and we are all mature enough to know that kind of torture always involves sexual things. Ewwwww! He did "things" to his own daughter!!! Ewwwwww!

11. Anakin had dreams of his wife dying so he slaughtered an entire school full of children? Not even something like a remote bombing but face to face? So unbelievable! I had an aunt who raised me like a mother and I love her like no one else. I would still never slaughter children to save her from the cancer that took her nor would she have ever wanted me to. That jump was just too great! No way! It's like Lucas suddenly went, "welp its been 2 3/4 movies so far I guess I'd better get around to making him evil now?" "Abracadabra! Your evil!" Ugh.

12. In cloud City when Luke attempts suicide- so what the hell is the deal with big super fun slides at the bottoms of huge air shafts? Then it has a drain to the outside? I mean that thing sure is reminiscent of a spit valve on a trombone.

13. OK, who the hell mounts a TV antenna right under the spit valve. I mean WTH man?

14. Obi-wan Kenobi and R2-D2 Adventure together in the first three movies spanning about 15 years? But in the forth movie, roughly 18 years later R2-D2 finds Obi-Wan on Tattoine and neither one recognizes the other?

15. Do Robots Age? RD-D2 could freaking FLY in the second and third movies, why not in The last three? Arthritis acting up? Perhaps mineral deficiencies! (AR!)

16. Did you ever count up the number of times the robots were totally abandoned but then seemed to show up later? DID they have credit cards so they could catch mass transit home or what?

17. The absolute slap in the face to every sci-fi fan in existence, in the third movie when the big damaged battle cruiser turns nose "down" towards the planet and every one slides down the deck. Then they "level" the ship out and everyone stops sliding! THERE IS NO LEVEL IN SPACE! Oh dear lord! PUH-lease! What next, is the cook gonna fall off the fan tail and hit the propeller? Don't imitate the movie Titanic with a space ship for gods sake! (unless your "Futurama". That was a good episode!)

If I ever get the chance someone is getting soooo bitch slapped for that one!

18. Darth Vader was clearly a man (not that there was any doubt) because he got his "costume" when his kids were born and by the time they were adult he had not changed his 'look' a bit. Only a man keeps a hairstyle for 20 years let alone his entire wardrobe!

19. Jar Jar. Nuff said.

Airplanes don't help bud! :)

This story is a couple of years old but I just thought of it recently. Well I thought of it because I was talking to another aviation nut and mentioned that all in the years I have owned an airplane I have never met a woman who was impressed or more than mildly interested by that. I mean there are plenty of women who would be impressed with say a Corvette yet my plane costs way more than a 'Vette and goes WAY faster than a 'Vette so you would think it would have a least a little sex appeal right? Nope!

Then that reminded of the one time that a lady was impressed by a plane and how fast it turned on me.

Two Januaries ago on a Friday night I was having a few beers at a nice place with a friend/client in Springfield. It was bitterly cold out. I mean sub zero cold!

There was a group of nurses a few tables over celebrating something. I bought a very good looking nurse a drink. I mean she was clearly out of my league but being the optimistic glutton for punishment I am I thought,  "What the heck, give it a shot, you never know..." To my surprise, it worked, she joined us. So the conversation turned to the cold and my friend chimes in with, hey, you ought to fly us all to Florida in your plane so we can get warmed up. (he was a great wingman! lol)

The hot nurse suddenly became VERY attentive, "You have your own plane?!" she asked with widened eyes as she leaned in closer.
"Well yeah."
"So you really could fly us to Florida?" Her body language is really broadcasting her interest now!
"Sure.", doing a little math in my head, "Depending on traffic we could be on the beach in 5 hours"
Oh! Now she is almost purring, "Could we leave right now?"
Oh Rob! You have hit the jackpot here!! (Thanks wingman!) "We could but I have been drinking and I don't fly when I have been drinking. We can leave first thing in the morning though."
"Huh, why don't you fly when you have been drinking?"
I thought that was a strange question especially from a nurse question but I answered, "Well I don't want to be operating a two ton machine going over 200 mph four miles above the Earth while I am impaired"
"What? You mean you fly the plane?"
I am a little confused but answer, "Well sure."
"You don't ride in the back?"
In all nerdy seriousness I answered, "What would be the fun in that?"
Click!
Just like that she was totally uninterested, thanked me for the drink and walked away.

So close and yet so, so far! :)

So that was the only woman I ever met that was at all impressed I owned a plane and as soon as she found out it was not a chauffeured airplane she could not care less anymore.

Damn!

Gainfully Unemployed (part III)

After the carpets and shrubs I tackled the garage. At this point though motivation was running out big time so I did a half ass job of it and just concentrated on getting the junk out versus full blown cleaning.

Frankly I was tired of cleaning! I was done!

However, I promised to lend someone some books that are out of print and no longer available that I have stashed away. After a lifetime of collecting I have many boxes of books packed away (someday I hope to have a library so they can be all on shelves instead of in boxes in closets!) So I had to dig the books out to keep my promise. Oh was that a mistake because that got me started digging in the master closet. Once I started digging I had to to get rid of the junk I just HAD too!

Oh what a black hole a master closet becomes over time! :( A black hole that pulls everything in the universe into the master closet. As I dug into the closet working my way down to my book boxes layer by layer I could feel time slowing as I got closer and closer to the quantum singularity. (black hole) In fact, as I was working I thought I was getting sick or that something was wrong with my eyes because things kept going in and out of focus as I worked. That is when I realized I was getting dangerously close to the event horizon and light was just bending around my closet making things look blurry! Eeeep!

So I created another pile for the dump including three, yes three, broken VCRs, another three outdoor garbage bags of CRAP and approximately 30 *empty* shoe boxes! {sigh} However I did uncover treasure as well! I found a shoebox full of 20 year old photos that I thought were long lost and some other forgotten keep sakes!

Amongst the treasure I found articles of clothing that nicely illustrate this blogs title! As you check out these items ladies I want to warn you now, prepare to swoon! I can’t be held responsible for the overwhelming sexual urges that may come over you as you gaze upon these photos of 80’s apparel!

Oh yeah, that’s my name over the pocket! I know, I know! Dead sexy huh? But wait until you see the backside!

OOoooOOOOooo- See? I knew you would lose all control but relax, relax! There is enough Rob to go around!

Now contrast my nerdy t-shirts with that icon of blue collar masculinity!

Clever no? Ah yes, Dungeons and Dragons and other Role Playing Games (RPG's)- the last refuge of the nerd on Saturday night!

The next one is my favorite though!

Now the deal with nerd shirts is to be obscure enough to be creative and 'original' but to not be so obscure that no one gets the reference. For example anything referencing "the force" is mainstream and therefore uncool, see? Now the reference on this shirt here may be lost on most of you but amongst geekdom this one is about the perfect amount of obscure! Even though many of you may not get this shirt I feel sure that at *least* two of my regular readers will get it.

I would love to know how many of you can name the movie/book this quote is a parody of. Just how nerdy are my readers?

Anyway, how is that for summing up the contrast of a nerdy redneck?

Back on topic though- All in all I got about half the house whipped into shape. I hope I get enough work in Illinois that I have lots of recuperation time before I have to tackle the other half! I also hope my new maid lives up to his solemn promises.

And no more boring cleaning stories- I promise!