Monday, February 28, 2011

Giving a test and failing a test

One time I was interviewing at a hospital in Dallas. I was very conflicted. The technology was uber cool and I really, REALLY wanted to play with it, however the department manager was making quite a point about what a buttoned down formal place this was. I mean he was selling it, bragging about it and how great it was to work there because they had regular cubicle inspections and such. Wow.

Working with technology is the art of creative problem solving and creative people rarely do well in constrained formal work environments. Most technology firms understand this and in order to profit from their talents create work environments that fit them.

I am ex-military and I know I suffered there. "Don't think, follow the manual." is the rule. I once had an old master Sergent tell me that in wartime my solutions to problems would make me a hero but in peacetime they made me a pain in the ass.

So as much as I wanted to work in this hospital I did not think I would be happy there but I was not sure.  So while the department manager was taking me on a tour I had a sudden inspiration! A test! While we were in the cube farm area,  I said  in a moderately loud voice, "We are the knights who say ..." as I heard at least six discreet "Ni's" emanate from the cube farm I turned to the befuddled dept manager with a smile and said, "I think I will be happy here."

I never got an offer. In hindsight I am guessing my little test got me tagged as "pain in the ass" on the spot from his perspective.

Cest la vie.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

A New Show Idea

 As if the the E! Network is not already unofficially the Kardashian channel they are getting ready to add yet another program to the Kardashian line up.

Wow, so how do any of these shows stay on the air anyway? Yes, The Kardashian girls are gorgeous. A given, but they are whiny, self possessed and annoying as hell. They are every bit as bad as conceited 13 year old's (since they were raised rich and spoiled 13 is probably about their correct emotional age and state)

Hey E! Here is an idea, How about turning the Kardashian's out into the wild and having big game hunters stalk and hunt them down them with tranquilizer guns? Now THAT is a show I would never miss!

Oh yeah, at least one of the hunters has to be Australian so we can get the whole crocodile hunter format thing going. Imagine all the following in an Aussie accent:

Oy,  look here mate, we are on the trail all right! We have spoor! A purple speckled toenail and a tuft of matted hair still stuck to the waxing strip! Clearly we are on the trail of a wild Kardashian. Sssh sssh, mate, if we listen carefully we can hear the mateing whine of the wild Kardashian..."

{enhanced fuzzy audio} "Nobody ever gives me any respect!  I can't believe I was not invited to her party! I mean I invited her to my party, why didn't she..."

"Yes, yes, mates, we are clearly closing in, quiet now, very quiet as the wild Kardashian can lash out with sharpened claws and really damage your eyes mate.... {stalking...stalking}

A sadly not so rare photo of a wild Kardashian beast in it's natural habitat.
 {wispering} Crickey! Look at that, we have found a wild Kardashian in her natural element, admiring herself in the mirror and whining incessantly. Now is the time to strike, lets shoot the tranq. (FOOONT)

Crickey she is a strong one mate, she is dazed but not going down! Looks like all that partying has built up her resistance to the tranqs! Looks like we need a second tranq for this beefy girl... (FOOONT)

My Gawd, she is still up- the force of self possession and self importance is strong in this one, Two tranqs and she is still stumbling around, we better end this before she hurts her self {FOONT FOONT)

And. she. is. down! It took 4 tranqs! What a trophy mates, what a trophy!

Well mates, that was a smacking good hunt eh? Tune in again and let's see which Kardashian falls next time on "Kardashian Hunters"! Only on E!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Ahhh California

Out in Santa Clara California they are banning the "Happy Meal". The logic goes you should not entice children with toys, clowns and I guess happiness. Interesting thought process.

So I recommend McDonald's create the Unhappy Meal, livers and onion, broccoli and prune juice. Yeah that will sell!

In a great twist, the unhappy meal will probably make all the unhappy people who think up all this silly shit very happy.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Today is my first full day out of bed since last Friday. I have been pretty sick. Then Monday something happened that I thought I thought would never happen to me! I got tired of laying around! {gasp}

Remember the old Olivia Newton John tune, "Lets Get Physical"? If not here is the YouTube of it...

Well yesterday my internal iPod modified it just a bit and I was singing:
"Lets get vertical, vertical,
I wanna get vertical,
Yeah lets get vertical!"

On a different note, here is quick video showing what it would be like if totally oblivious but still over analytical Nerdyredneck somehow wound up in prison...

They even got my sexy accent down pat!

Man I hope I get royalties off of this!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Prophecy Fulfilled! (eep)

Ahhhhhhhh! Run people RUN! Michael Jackson's zombie has returned from the dead! I knew this would happen I just KNEW it! I get sooo tired of being right about this shit!

(Full disclosure - I used this bit on Face Book a few months ago but nobody paid any attention to me over there (it seems my humor (such that it is) and face book are not compatible) so I brought it here for you folks to uh *cough*, enjoy)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Chicken Thoughts

Ok, the full story is linked below but the gist of is that a man in the audience of a cock fight was attacked and killed by one of the fighting game cocks.

Armed rooster kills man

The roosters possible thoughts...

"You killed and ate my entire family! DIE you bastard, DIE!"
"Man, I hope I don't fry for this!"
"Oh Sorry, I thought you were Colonel Sanders"
"Oh Sorry, I thought you were Micheal Vick"
"You bet against me, ME? I'll show you!"
"'The Crow" is in a contract dispute so they sent his work over to me"
"Don't be singing "They Come to Snuff the Rooster" around here be-yotch!"
"Yeah, this will get me on Oprah fer sure! What, she is off the air? NooooOOOoooOOO!"
"I will kill one every day until put they George Lopez back on the air!"
"So when do I get my 72 virgins?"
"I hope this makes the "Darwin Awards"
"You wanna see my flair? YOU want to see MY flair?"
"Yeah, I am talking to YOU!"

 Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die

The victims possible thoughts...

"Damn, I knew I should not have worn my red Star Trek shirt today"

Ehhh, that's all I got folks. Overall lame I know but it was fun brainstorming. Feel free to chime in!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Where the wild thoughts go

Helping women readers understand the male mind since 2006....

So recently I get a phone call from a beuatiful woman I have known for a few years....

"Hey Rob, how ya doing?"
"Other than freezing pretty good."
After some chit chat she comes to the point, "You know there is something I have been wanting to do for a long time and I hate to admit it but I am a little scared to try it but I just knew you would be the guy to help me out with it."
"I am intrigued, go on"
"Well, for a long time I have been wanting to have a three way"
"{gulp} And you thought of me?"
"Well sure. Will you help me with it?"
"{pause} This is some kind of trick, right?
"What? No."
"Uhhhh, Ok, well I guess it depends on who the third person is going to be."
"What difference does that make?"
"Well it matters to me!
"I can't see why but it was going to be my friend Ashley"

Wow! I've met Ashly and she is pretty hot too, "So is Ashley on board with this?
"Well sure. In fact she is pretty excited about it too."
"{Loooong pause} This is this some kind of trick, right?
"Why do you keep saying that"
"Well you know, that old saying, if its too good to be true..."
"Your so silly! What is too good to be true about teaching me how to make a 3 way call?

Friday, February 4, 2011

Yep, it was a blizzard!

I took this Thursday afternoon just west of Springfield Illinois...

Click to enlarge to grasp the full horrifying beauty of it all!
If you look on the left of the road in the middle distance you can see the tundra growing.
Way more to come on this topic