Weirdness report #62

I thought this was pretty weird. Scooters are generally for cheap transportation in the city!

This picture was taken on I-44 way out in nowhere southern Missouri. Total BFE country. Miles from anywhere where pigs are not counted as part of the population.

Peter Fonda would be so proud!

Of course this reminds me of the old joke:
Q. How is having sex with a fat person like riding a scooter?
A. It’s a hell of a lot of fun but you don’t want your friends to know you are doing it.

Arrr arr! :) I love that joke!

Ah Bureaucracy

This is an actual photo from the state agency where I am working right now. These signs are EVERYWHERE on my floor today.

Ya know, just making sure!

I guess it’s true?

I once read that all women are inherently gay it’s only a matter of degree. At the time I did not think too much of that but with all the gushing over the stars of Twilight lately I think back on that article and start to go “Hmmmmm…”

See, since I am a man I like women who look like women. So my basic logic tells men women *should* like men that look like men. Yet so often that does not seem to be the case. I mean look at these people in this picture...


Kristen Stewart is very pretty and yet she is probably the least feminine person in this picture!

The one the third from the left, Robert Pattinson, he is the one you most hear women salivating over. Just look at him(?) he is just sooo pretty- I mean just glue a set of fake boobs on him give him some batons, teach him how to look sincere while he wishes for world peace and he is a Miss America contender all the way. Sandra Bullock, (Miss Congeniality) eat your heart out! He is way prettier than you! (and I adore Sandra Bullock)

Then I reflect back in time and so many “heart throbs” over the years have mostly been girly looking or effeminate.

So ladies, please explain this too me, why are you so often so hot for the girly looking men? If you ask me the “inherently gay” hypothesis gains more data points every day. :)

This should help...

If you ever thought the scientific types were a little weird this should help you understand them better...

And we are ALL about understanding here! ;)


(if you can't read the print, as always, you can click the picture to make it bigger.)

I don't know about y'all but I find this gut wrenchingly funny!

Were Screwed!

Etymology – et·y·mol·o·gy
1 : the history of a linguistic form (as a word) shown by tracing its development since its earliest recorded occurrence in the language where it is found, by tracing its transmission from one language to another, by analyzing it into its component parts, by identifying its cognates in other languages, or by tracing it and its cognates to a common ancestral form in an ancestral language.

In short it’s the history of words. I have always been interested in the “back stories” of individual words, how the word started, and how it got to mean what it means now.

“Sincerely” is one of my favorite examples. In Latin “sincere” literally means “without wax”. How in the hell did we get to signing letters with a derivative of “without wax”?

The story goes that that in Roman time’s greedy contractors would mix cheap wax into expensive concrete mix. Of course this made for substandard concrete. So the boast or warrantee of “no wax” became important. You were a sincere merchant. Thousands of years later when you sign your letter you still boast of your honesty but thoughts of concrete or wax never once enter your mind. Fun huh?

So this week the thought occurred to me how did “I’m Screwed” (or the hundreds of variations thereof) come to be a bad thing? I mean the vast majority of people enjoy and want sex under most circumstances so how did *that* phrase come to generally mean “something bad is going to happen to me”?

Sorry, no cute answer here, I am genuinely pondering it.

Conversely, how in the world did one of the most despicable things a human could be, a pimp, come to be a good thing? “That’s pimping” is somehow a complement? Pimp my ride means make it cool? Being someone that hurts women and steals their money was somehow twisted into a compliment? I can’t figure that one out either.

Any insights are welcome.

A great callsign

Recently I was driving north through southern Oklahoma. Dallas radio stations were fading out behind me and Oklahoma City stations were not yet in range. If you are into Country Music OR religious talk radio then southern Oklahoma is a radio gold mine! If like me nether of those is really your cup of tea then the entertainment pickings get real slim!

So I set the old radio to “auto scan” to see what I could find. After a bit I got hit on a song I recognized from when I was a little kid. It was not really my kind of song but hey, at this point anything not involving a drunk dog who just got out of prison ‘cause his wife was cheating on him with another pickup truck was sounding good so I tuned it in. Then the next song came on and again I recognized it from long, long ago and again I was not really into it but it was as good as we were going to get so I was riding it out.

After a few songs I heard the radio station’s tagline…“The best of easy listening music from the 70’s and the 80’s” Aha! That explains it. Notice that not only does this radio station play nothing but easy listening music but hey, easy listening music that is only say 20 years old is just not good enough! It has to be really OLD easy listening music to boot!

So, here is the funny part though and I swear I am not making this up. So what is the call sign for a station that plays nothing but the best of 30 to 40 year old easy listening music?

Wait for it…. KOMA! :) Don’t believe me? Well here is the website! http://www.komaradio.com/ So there! :) Even the url is funny! Komaradio! Tee hee!

NTB

In case they do not have them in your area NTB is a chain that works on cars and sells tires and batteries. NTB stands for National Tire and Battery. After my recent experience there I have decided Never Trust the Bastards might be more fitting of the acronym.

Four years ago I went into NTB for a wheel alignment. That runs about $80 but they had a 5 year alignment program for $200. Since I generally get an alignment done at least once a year that was a very good deal so I jumped on it.

The analytical side of my brain wondered why they offered such a good deal and now I know. I recently did a favor for my ex wife. I was, uh, between contracts and I was back in Dallas and she asked for help. I had bought the 5 year alignment plan on her car while we were still together. Her car is pulling hard to the right and she has taken it up there twice and it still pulls. In desperation she asked me to help out with it.

So I go up there. They asked me the mileage on the car. 60061. The service writer says, "As part of our alignment service we run a 23 point inspection on your vehicle and generate a report of anything we find."
Aha, so now I understand why they made such a good deal on the 5 year alignment. They keep dragging you back and upselling you. I get it now. "There aint no such thing as free" is a universal axiom.

At the same time he is telling me about the 23 point inspection he prints out a report of things due at 60,000 miles. I still have that report. Bear in mind they have not even seen my car yet. On that report one item is "Replace Spark plugs and Spark plug wires -- $324" I saw that and said, "Are you sure about that? Spark Plugs at 60,000?" (not to mention $324 is a VERY high price for that job!)
"That information comes directly from Ford sir."
"I thought sparks plugs were due at 100,000?"

I remember this because back in the mid 90's they passed a federal law that all emissions related components of a new car had to be warranted for 100,000 miles. The logic was it does not do much good to build cleaner cars IF say two years later they pollute badly. I also recalled that rule set considered spark plugs to be emissions related but I was not 100% sure.

“Sir, that list I gave you came straight from Ford.”

Since I was not 100% sure plus there is no reason to argue with these guys so I just said, "Well, for now lets just get the alignment done."

So, they get the alignment done and I drive away. I did not get far as the car still pulled to the right- hard!

So I take it right back in and tell the same guy it still pulls hard to the right. He pulls a computer print out from the alignment machine and tells me the computer says it is right on the money. I am sure my mouth fell open. I just drove the car and it pulls to the right but you are seriously telling me the computer says it’s good so you are just washing your hands of it?! Really? We debate this for a few minutes and yes, I am starting to get mad. I am sub consciously going into Clint Eastwood mode; you know, my eyes are starting to squint, my teeth are gritted and my voice is getting lower. So I held the keys out it the guys and said, drive it then come back and tell me it is right.

Then Mr. Service writer made a serious mistake... instead of just taking the keys and experiencing the problem first hand he told me a bald faced lie to get out of doing his job. He said, "Well sir, I guess you were not aware that federal law requires that we set the cars up so they pull to the right on purpose."
I was aghast! "What?"
Oh yes, it’s a safety feature. If you fall asleep at the wheel the car will drift off onto the shoulder instead of drifting into oncoming traffic.
So now in full Clint Eastwood mode, I asked him, "So every other car I have ever driven was out of compliance with this law and this is the only vehicle of all the dozens and dozens of cars I have driven over a life time that was set up correctly."
"Uh, I can’t comment on other cars sir, but this one is right."
Oh such a blatant and STUPID lie!! Now I am so mad I have little sperm cells swimming before my eyes, you know, “God’s little anger dots”. So I told him I am going to go home and get online and check up on this and if I find out you are lying to me then your timing is very bad. I happen to be out of work right now and I have the time to take this all the way up the chain and make a big deal out of it. Are you sure you want to stick with this story?"
So now *he* gets mad and raises his voice at me and says, "I don’t appreciate being called a liar!"
"I did not call you a liar. I said IF I find out you are lying I am going to make trouble."
"Sir, I am a highly trained service writer and I know what I am talking about."
"Ok, you had your chance, we will play it that way then." and I walked out the door.
After a half hour of searching I can not find ANYTHING about any law that requires cars to pull to the right. However, I do have my Ford Taurus maintenance manual handy and I was correct after all, spark plugs are due at 100,000 NOT 60,000 miles. That’s $324 he tried to con me out of.

So I call junior back up and still in Clint Eastwood mode said, "I am sure you remember me... I am the guy that told you that if I found out you were lying to me I would make you my life mission. I have to tell you I can find nothing about a law that cars should pull to the right so I can’t prove that law does not exist. However, do you remember me saying that I thought spark plugs were due at 100k not 60k?"
"Yes"
"Well I have the Taurus Service Manual from Ford (not a third party) right here in my hand saying 100,000 so you did lie to me about Ford saying 60k.You even put it in writing and I have it right here. I got ya cold buddy. So here is what I want to do. I want you, your manager and me to meet tomorrow. I want you to show me the documentation that says cars are required by law to pull to the right. While I am there we can also discuss how you lied to me about the spark plugs and tried to con me out of $324. Then I am calling corporate and raising hell. I warned you. I have the free time and frankly, this should be fun."
"Uh, I am not sure when my manager will be here.”
“Really? Well then I guess I will just skip that step and just go straight to corporate.”
“Uh, the other guy here just said he will be in at 2:00 tomorrow”
“Fine I will be there at 2:00.That gives you all day tomorrow to find a reference to this law that requires cars to pull to the right so we can all see it when I get there."

The line was silent. I let him sweat for a few seconds and continued, "Or you can drop all the bullshit, I can come up there right now, and you will fix this car RIGHT- TONIGHT with no more lies about what the computer or about what federal law says. The car will drive straight with hands off the wheel. That is what I paid for and that is you will deliver TONIGHT. Then I’ll go back to being too lazy to make your life miserable."

Silence again. I was about to speak when his verbal dam broke...He started apologizing left and right and he promised to fix the car RIGHT before they closed. It was not quite groveling but it was close enough for me. :)

And he did fix it.

So I let the whole thing slide because I lied too… I really do not want to spend my time dealing with NTB Corporate. Hell, they are probably well aware of it, I imagine its right there in the NTB service writer’s handbook. In fact, since the computer printout with the lie about the spark plugs was pre-generated, that confirms to me that corporate is absolutely on board with lying to their customers and telling them they need things done that do not need to be done. (and if for some reason were needed are still under mfg. warrantee anyway)

So instead of waiting on hold with some phone jockey in India for hours and then having NTB mail me a coupon for a free oil change in a pathetic attempt to mollify me I figured I would just tell my story here.

NTB is now on my official black list of dishonest companies.

Owww, my brain hurts!

Being a nerd I naturally see things logically and yeah I do tend to be a bit analytical. And as already noted I find things funny others do not.

So this one cracked me up! We went to the movies last weekend. Here is the ticket "window"...
(Click photo to enlarge if needed)



If you will notice they have totally isolated the money changers from the customers. They have sheets of heavy glass floor to cieling. In fact the commincations is done through the speaker system and cashiers have to wear headsets so they can talk to customers.

Ok, we all know crime happens and it makes sense to protect the cashiers (and the companies money) from robbers but here is the part that totally cracks me up....

They have gone to a lot of effort to "harden" the cashiers. They have spent a lot of money and they have impossed a lot of inconvience on customners and workers simply to prevent robberies. Now look at this photo...



After all that effort to prevent crime all you have to do is take 10 steps around to the WIDE OPEN backside and yell "Stick 'em up!"

Yeah, that cracks me up. All that money and effort just totally wasted.

The sad part is they allow the people who put all this together to breed, vote and even drive cars. Sad huh?

South Park - Still awesome!

Most people I know don't "like" South Park. Of course they will admit they have never watched it but they still don't like it anyway. Say la vie.

It is now in it's 13th season. I loved the show for years but I had kinda drifted away and had not watched in a while but the Kanye West thing at the VMA's a few weeks ago brought it back to my attention You see, several years ago South Park did a blistering satire on Kanye West then and after Kanye's recent bought with assitis Comedy Central ran that episode four times the day after the VMA's. Ah yeah, as usual Matt and Trey, the writers creators of South Park were way ahead on their cultural trends. :)

Anyway, all of that made me remember just how hilarious those guys really are. Not only is South Park very funny but the episodes almost always revolve around current events and the glimpse into our culture and their insight into it is often incisive and sometimes brilliant. Yes, there is always some potty humor bandied about in every episode but the deeper plots poking fun at our societal foibles are my favorite part.

So anyway, they recently did an episode ripping how Disney TV is selling sex to children while making it look oh so wholesome and clean. I was trying to find that episode to show my son. I goobered the search for "mickey mouse".

Even their search engine cracks me up even though the joke is at my expense.

Things that make me LOL

I often find things Hilarius that other people don't even think is funny. I know I'm strange and it's OK. However yesterday outside of an AutoZone my strangeness even took me by surprise.

I saw this and started to laugh. And Laugh. And laugh. I was still chuckling when I snapped this...


Then the more I thought about it the more I laughed. You probably will not find it funny at all.

OK, being anal retentive people who can not control their vehicles well enough to park annoy me to no end. Whenever I see a vehicle parked like this I always wonder, was the driver too lazy, too inconsiderate or just a plain old shitty driver to park this badly. Then I figure all three of those traits do go together so I just assume "all the above".

However this one CRACKED me up. The owner buys an overpriced BMW pretentious-mobile then side swipes something putting big ugly marks down the drivers side and still- STILL can not control the vehicle well enough to get it inside of even one of four sides of the parking spot.

Oh man that's funny! (to me). Yeah, I realize no one reading this is laughing but man, when someone THIS mentally impaired is driving a BWM really, you should be laughing. I am not the weird one this time you are! :)

On a less funny in a bizarre way note here is a last "Springfield Weirdness" picture.



The speed limit is 29? How weird is that?

Eh?

What do they call black people in Canada? Are they African-Canadians? Or is North America loose enough a term they can still be African-Americans?

More Springfield Weirdness

No pictures this time so I will just have to paint the pictures verbally...

Weird #1)
I was sitting at a stop light and a car pulled up next to me, it's hood is about even with my passenger door so I can't see the driver. Rap music was a thumping and bumping very loud. (Please, let us not confuse, urban contemp. or hip-hop with Rap, this was RAP.)

Other than being reminded once again that this is the only form of music that I really do not care for I did not pay much attention one way or the other. Then the light turned green and the booming rap car gradually overtook me. The only occupant of the car was a grey haired old man!
Holy shattered stereotypes Batman!

Then I got this mental image of a guy with a boom box lashed to his walker shuffling down the hall of the "rest" home booming out, "So I busted a cap in my bitches ass..."

Weird, very weird.

Weird #2)
I was eating breakfast at a restaurant, I got up to leave. I am walking down a row a tables towards the door. At the table on the end of the row a woman is seated facing me. She has large boobs AND a very deep V cut shirt. Ladies, I do my best not to ogle and drool but c'mon! :)

So I am walking down the aisle towards her glancing at her occasionally as I get closer. Here are the thoughts that ran though my mind on each glance... (Bear in mind this is why they never made the other side of the movie "What Women Want" we already know what men are thinking all the time and we don't need to be reminded of it. :) )

"Oh my- Look at that! Thank you for sharing ma'am!"
"Might be a little much for a Sunday morning but I am not complaining, very nice."
As I get closer I can see a football shaped dark area right above the cleavage crack...
"What is that? Is that a shadow?"
Getting closer..
"The light is not right for a shadow- Maybe it's an odd sunburn?"
Closer still
"Is it a birth mark?"
Closer yet...
OH DEAR LORD IT'S HAIR! IT'S A PATCH OF LONG BLACK HAIR you can see from across the room! The hairs are actually long enough to be matted up! AIIIIEEEEEE!

Ok, I do NOT get this. If you have the kind of boobs you want to show off. (and you don't wear a blouse like this if you are not trying to show off) then my goodness do something about the fur! A shot of Nair? A razor? Black and Decker hedge clippers? Something! At the very least don't wear a blouse that pulls eyes eyes right to the patch of fur.

Yep, very weird.

With all that said though, now I am jealous, she has better chest hair than I do. :(

Ah Springfield

Just a post of odd things seen around Springfield lately. Well in addition to pajama's at the fast food joint.



I am sure someone thought this was very cute but it merely annoyed me!




Oh my god it finally happened! McDonalds killed one mid meal!

Notice the other guy caught me taking a picture of his buddy! That always happens to me at the topless beach too! I gotta learn to be more sneaky when snapping pics! ;)



Really? Harry Potter has to be around here somewhere looking for his train! I swear this picture is not doctored! I have never seen a half street before.



57? Really? 57? WTH? How did they pull 57 out of their butts? Not 55, not 60 but 57? That is soooo weird!

This is the kind of thing that makes you start to question the universe. Does it really exist? Are we all just figments of some mad god's imagination? How do molecules combine in such a way as to create life? I mean seriously, this the kind of thing that leads philosophy majors to commit suicide! Solipsism. SOLIPSISM!! AHHHHHH!!

Ok, I'm better now. Obviously Freshetta is trying to drive McDonalds out of business. I mean if all the philosophy majors commit suicide who will be left to say, "Would you like fries with that?"?

I suppose it's only right that someone take down those grandpa killing bastards!

Wake Up Call!

I was in a new clients offices and kind finding my way around and man did I get a surprise! I swore I checked the door and it said "Men's Room" but frankly I did not pay that much attention to it. So I go in and round the corner and I come face to face with...



What the heck? A quick scan and I see there are no urinals either (as if I needed more confirmation!) OH CRAP! My first day on the job and I am in the Women's restroom! Of great, tagged a pervert on the first day! I back out quickly looking around to see who might have caught me. No one is in sight so it seems like I am safe! So I am in the hallway outside the restroom ever so casually getting a drink of water, playing it cool ya know? I am looking for the real men's room now and what the heck? The door I just backed out of in a near panic is clearly labeled "Men's Room". Is someone pulling a prank on the new guy? Hanging a men's room sign over the real sign?





Well after talking to a few people it turns out the former occupant of this building was an insurance company. They almost exclusively hired women 'clerks'. The only men were mangers, so there were many women's rooms and few men's rooms. So when this tenant with a male/female ratio more in line with society as a whole moved into the building they were very short on men's rooms and converted several women's rooms into men's room. When I say "converted" I really mean they just taped a "men's room" sign on the door. :) (nice touch using logo watermarked stationary to print the men's room sign on. I mean it is important to know WHO'S mens room it really is, right? )

Ok, so surprisingly enough I have not spent a lot of time in women's rest rooms before. Man those stalls are just full of stuff! You got the BIG TP roll, the used "napkin" box (I assume), the seat cover dispenser, the pipes coming out of the wall...Man it looks like the engineering spaces on a WWII submarine in there! I keep waiting to hear the klaxon go off while someone yells "Dive! Dive! Dive!" over the intercom!

Wont get fooled again!

Oh man they got me! Being a man I really don't pay that much attention to toilet paper. I generally grab whatever and am OK with it. Last time I bought TP though I got this stuff that was real thick and fluffy and just barely fit on the roll it was so big. I liked it. So the next time I bought TP I was looking for the same stuff again, (although I had no idea of the "make and model") so I was looking for the big thick rolls again. Aha found it!

Took it home and yeah, it's so big it barely fits on the roll alright but it is NOT soft and fluffy! This stuff is worse than what hiway rest stops usually provide. It's truly John Wayne TP (it's rough and tough and it won't take shit off of anybody) I mean you can actually see little flakes of bark embedded in it. This is clearly orphanage grade TP.

I'm too cheap to throw it away so I'll just be walking funny for a few weeks. Mmmmm, maybe I can use I use it to polish chrome or buff some scratches out of the car? It's about the right texture.

Speaking of No Pants...

See, as big a redneck as I think I am I am NOT the redneckiest! At least I wear pants in public, ummm and NO, pajama pants do not count! I am sure that is a rule written down somewhere.

Home Alone

Erika is gone on Vacation and the other room mate moved out today. Whelp, we won't be needing these pants for awhile! Ahhhhhhh!

:)

Redneck Roots

In this weeks reader mail Amanda asks, "I am interested to know what makes you call yourself a redneck. Will u tell me?"


Well sure I will tell you! I call myself a redneck because I grew up on a farm 10 miles outside of a town of 480 people. So in many ways I am a very simple man of very simple pleasures from a very simple way of life. From a place where everybody knew everybody (damn it, you *can't* hide anything) and the best place to pick up girls was family reunions. (kidding) :)

Our phone book was about 20 pages total including ads. I remember being a kid and seeing a commercial on TV for a variety show (who remembers those?) where they said, "See the worlds strongest man tear a phone book in half!" I remember being quite confused and thinking, "I am only 10 years old and I can tear a phone book in half. Why would they make a bid deal about that?

In spite of 8 years of higher education, outside of formal settings I still say "aint" quite a bit. In fact, "thatanna" is a word in my personal lexicon, as in "thatanna gonna work!". :)

My mother was not ready to be a mother yet so as a child I spent a lot of time with her parents and her aunts and uncles. So the people I thought of as my aunts and uncles were really my great aunts and uncles. So in many ways I was a generation behind as well being a hick! :) Then to top it off those folks were NOT into the latest and greatest. Case in point, my (great) uncle Frank used horse drawn farm equipment until after World War II. Then he used the hand crank to start his tractor until 1972. "A starter is just one more thing to break" he often told people

I was little but I remember that winter day when he could not get the tractor started. He cranked and cranked that little hand crank and that tractor would not start. It was bitterly cold that morning but I stayed warm just from the endless streak of cussing that burst forth between every bought of cranking. That after noon we went to town and ordered a battery, starter and generator for the tractor.(in a town of 450 people, other than groceries and general supplies you don't just go buy something, you order it)

Can you imagine? Three years after man landed on the moon we still hand started tractors.

Oh, you want to hear "Old School"? The first thing I had to do in the morning when I woke up was to start the fire in the kitchen stove. (that big cast iron stove took time to heat up to cooking temps!) Corn cobs and a little kerosene make good kindling then start feeding in the larger pieces of wood. For regular cooking I only had to stoke the firebox on one end of the stove but if my Aunt(s) were baking then I had to stoke the fireboxes on both end of the stove. The BIGGEST part of being a good baker is fire control!

So where did the fire wood come from you ask? Well, you see they had this long wooden handle with a wedge shaped piece of steel attached to one end. By swinging the steel wedge against a piece of wood enough times you could cut it. No, no! I *am* serious!

Now that the wood is cut to one foot lengths, think you are done? Heh, nope! After you cut it to length then you have to split it. The best firewood for cook stoves is about the same diameter as your wrist. So if you start with a piece of Sycamore one foot in diameter, that is a lot of splitting. I liked splitting better than chopping because with some practice you can split a piece of wood with one blow where as chopping took a while and I am totally into instant gratification!

Now in the summer it did not take long to chop and split enough wood to keep the kitchen stove going. The winter though was a different story. Besides the cook stove there were three other "pot belly" stoves in the house to feed wood to as well. Then I had heaters in three stock tanks as well. You have to keep the stock tanks thawed so the live stock can drink. An adult cow consumes 15 gallons of water per day. You can't have them licking ice! :) So with six fires burning 24 hours and a seventh at mealtimes firewood became a full time job.

No wonder I was such a skinny kid!

It's also no wonder I grew up dreaming of space travel. There is no wood to chop in space!

Is that enough Amanda or shall I go on? :)

Ouch!

This vision of ruin and destruction brought to you courtesy of my boat.

These were transmission gears. A few large expensive parts were converted into many smaller worthless parts in less than a second! I never thought of a transmission in that way before, a sort of a matter converter if you will. :(

{sniff} Yes, I'm feeling quite pouty.

Ah technology!

I finally broke down and bought a fancy smart phone. As a geek I LOVE smart phones but as a redneck I break a lot of things so I tend to shy away from expensive delicate things.

However, I finally reached the critical tipping point where enough people were annoyed at my lack of texting ability that I finally shouted down my inner redneck and bought a phone capable of texting. Never being one to half-ass it as long as I was going to text it was gonna have a real keyboard, I mean none of this hokey press 7 four times for S crap for ME! :)

See it here if you care

So now I can surf the web and play games and all that stuff too. Plus my inner redneck loves how the phone slides two ways. To top it all off this phone is made at least partially out of this mysterious ancient material called met-all. When I was kid they made everything out of this odd substance, lunch boxes, cars, TVs, furniture, almost everything! Nowadays most of that stuff is made with solidified petroleum byproducts.

I like my met-all phone! It's feels quite manly!

And armed with the latest gee-whiz smart phone technology I don't have to wait until I get home and boot up my 'puter to delete my spam. My spam follows me everywhere I go and even politely chimes to get my attention! Ain't technology cool?

twit-ing?

Why are individual posts on twitter called tweets? Wouldn't the singular of twittering be a twit? How is that a tweet?

We will add this to the long list of human behaviors Rob's does not get.

Oh Dear Lord!

Kill me now, I have now seen everything and can go in peace! I just saw a sign advertising "Pet Massage"! In-home pet massage no less! I mean who can be bothered to take their pet to the pet massage studio? Only in-home will do!

Wow! I would really love to meet the loon that actually pays someone else to massage their pets! I'll bet I could really sell them some stuff. Maybe some credit card bingo where they read their credit card numbers to me then I tell them if they won or not. Then followed up by a game of hangman where their mothers maiden name is the secret word.

In-home pet massage!? What's next, doggie hookers? Oh wait, they already do have 'stud service'! Eeep!

Random Weird Observations

Yesterday I was at Wal-mart and I had a weird moment- there was a young man (early 20’s) who was CLEARLY very fit doing his shopping in one of those little electric scooters Wal-Mart provides for the elderly. Even though it was a WTF moment it really made me feel better about myself. I mean I get lazy and procrastinate on housework or yard work or going to the gym and I feel bad about it but WOW, at least I am not too lazy walk when I buy food!

Another Burger King post- seems like every time I go there it’s a weird moment. I got some breakfast there this morning on the way to work. I ordered milk. The drive through person asked if I wanted white milk or chocolate milk? That struck me as weird. Who does NOT say chocolate milk when they want Chocolate milk? Plus “white” milk struck me as an very odd word choice. I don’t think I have ever heard plain milk called white milk before. I mean do they have yellow milk or blue milk? We really need to nail it down that I, in fact, want the white variety of milk?

White milk. So does the fact I don’t care much for chocolate milk make me a racist?

Oh God! Now I know why I love Fruity Pebbles but don’t care much for Cocoa Pebbles! (or Cocoa Puffs). I guess like the all the celebrities I need to check into rehab to deal with my preference for "white" milk.

Wow. The things we learn about ourselves while visiting Burger King.

New Gameshow!

It's America's most exciting new game show! "Count the Illegal Aliens!" In this weeks episode we will count the illegals after a potentially life ending major felony! So go ahead and join the fun America!

The one who comes closest to the actual number of illegals without going over wins! Sounds easy right? So click the button and try your luck!



So how many did you get?

Sleeping on the Plane

This last trip home I actually fell asleep on the plane.

This is a big deal because I often don't sleep well and very rarely can I sleep during the day at all and I just never fall asleep on airplanes.

I was taking the old Southwest home reading my Popular Science en route as usual. My eyes were burning while I was reading so I shut them for a minute and BOOM! The next thing I know it's an hour later and the flight attendant is waking me up asking me to put my seat up for landing.

Wow. That has never happened before so it was very weird.

I felt very refreshed for the rest of the day so that was part was very cool but I am not sure I am ready to start sleeping in public on a regular basis. I mean a little drool on your pillow is not too big a deal but unless you are a baby, having drooly chin in front of 150 people is just not very suave.

How Do You Want It?

An interesting thing about men you may or may not have noticed is we don't change our hairstyle very often. I have had my current 'do' about 15 years now. The biggest change then was I moved the part from the center to the side. {gasp}

So with this in mind every time I get a haircut I am still surprised every single time they ask me, "How do you want it?" Then I have to go through the little litany I have learned a little at a time over the years... "Scissor cut, layered, just over the ears, duck tailed"

My inner sarcamist really wants to roll my eyes and say, "Just like it is now but a little shorter - duh!" but my inner analyst knows this is the most certain way to not get what I have now so I go through the little litany.

Adventures in Fast Food Land.

I went to Burger King today. We were all quite confused.

The girl thought I was a moron and the feeling was mutual for awhile there and it was all just simple miscommunication.

I don’t eat there very often so I don’t know the menu. So I see this “Angry Whopper” thing up on the big board and I have seen the commercials on TV so I know it is a hot and spicy burger.

I LOVE hot and spicy!

Being the petite and gentle thing I am though :) I don’t want a big giant whopper burger though so I ask if they have something smaller in the "angry line up". No, the whopper is all they have angry style. The next cashier down however offers that they can make any sandwich I like “angry style” so it’s not a problem. Cool.

So now I am looking at the menu looking for the little double cheeseburger thing everyone has but it’s always some cutsie name to make it different from the full sized double burger. For example Wendy’s calls their little one a “Double Stack” (how I know that is a blog post all it’s own)

So I am scouring the menu looking for their custie name and I am getting frustrated that I cannot find it and wishing I could just order a double cheeseburger and not have to play the “what did marketing decide to call it this year?” game. I finally asked the girl behind the register “What do you call your double cheeseburger?”

She just looked at me. She may have blinked a few times but she said nothing.

What the heck? The way this game is played is I ask a question in English you give me an answer, preferably in English as well. She is not playing right! After an awkward silence I turned to the other counter girl who had already been so helpful and asked her, “What do you call your double cheeseburger here?”

Without missing a beat she answered, “A double cheeseburger.”

Well f’ing duh! Now I am really feeling pretty stupid.

So why in the heck didn’t the first girl just give me the same answer instead of just staring at me when I asked her what they called their double cheeseburger? Did she think it was a trick question? When was the war of 1812? Who is buried in Grant's Tomb? How many survivors did they bury? Where do roosters lay thier eggs? What?

Perhaps she was like the video store girl? She was terrified of enraging the obvious psycho and was trying to select the answer least likely to throw me into a murderous rage and just chose silence? Then again this time I had taken a shower and everything so I did not look like a psycho. (???)

So I ordered the damned sneakily named double cheeseburger. She asked me if I still wanted it “angry”? Oh yes!

After all of that work though to get that little angry double cheeseburger it was a quite a letdown. It really needed some kick. It was not really angry at all.

At best, it was just annoyed. Perhaps a bit testy?

Somewhere right now there is a blog post about the moron who asked what do they call a double cheesburger.

WTF Moments

Just few pictures from my collection- Things that make you say WTF!?

WTF #1

You have to think this guy is popular with the ladies right?



WTF #2

How come no one else is wearing a Halloween costume?



WTF #3

Isn't amazing how watching a good mom in action just warms your heart?



WTF #4

My only comment here is WTF!?



WTF #5

Do you know why there is a "Doctor" there in the middle of this group? Because he is going to treat their wounds after they get beat up in just a few minutes!




The next few are not really WTF's but they do make me giggle. I Hope you enjoy them too!

Truth in advertising....




Ok, guess what this is? Go ahead guess!




It's a Barbie-q!! Arrr arr arr! ( I crack me up!)

OK, now guess what this is... (click picture to enlarge so you can see it better)



Its a drag race! HA!

And for the closer... assuming this is not photo shopped I just adore the owner who had the cajones to put this up!

Stress Relief

As my long time readers know sometimes my job can get a little stressful. This post is a good example.

So for those occasions when you too are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work well AND it will make you smile. (my favorite combination of things)

Read slowly, and visualize as you go along.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your arms dangling with your hands in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air above you.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under.

Just remember what we call stress actually is; Stress is your civilized mind over riding your bodies perfectly natural need to choke the living crap out of some total jerk who truly deserves it.

That is why this little exercise works so well!

Feeling better yet?

Bad Date Movie!

Yesterday I went to see the movie, “He is just not that into you.”

It was my idea. I saw the trailers and I thought it looked funny so I actually wanted to go see it.

Uhhhh, clearly this is a TOTAL chick flick because this is the most lopsided male-female ratio I have seen in a movie theater audience since I went to see “P.S. I love You” with Erika.

I actually counted- there were three men in the audience including me.

This is not a good date movie. There is quite a bit of tension and awkwardness while male and female dating behaviors are dissected in all their glorious gory details.

Still it was a very funny movie- I laughed quite a bit. Sadly there was one part that just totally sent me into hysterics. I say sadly because apparently no one else thought it was funny. I was the only one laughing (and laughing and laughing). I knew I was alone but I could not stop! Thank goodness for small favors as at least I did not snort! I guess it was a “guy joke” and the other two guys there were smart enough NOT to laugh at the “guy joke” while swimming in a sea of angry estrogen.

Did I mention this is not a good date movie?

Still I laughed AND it was very thought provoking and in my book that is the perfect combination!