People are so complicated.

True story! 

I was just in the company cafeteria nuking my lunch. I had some left over meat balls I brought from home. Even micro-waved they smelled AWESOME!  

So two ladies are standing nearby talking about how expensive the cafeteria food is and how they did not want to eat there. So being the helpful guy I am I just playfully said, well you ladies are welcome to some of my meatballs if you like.

 A bit of a snotty smirk and "No thanks" was the reply. 

I was wondering why the snotty reply as I took about three steps and I froze! It just hit me - I just committed sexual harassment at work!!! Holy shit! She was going to go to HR! Oh no. Do something!
 

So I turned back around, uncovered my dish and held it out so they could see and said "Just to be clear, I really do have meat balls." The one lady looked at me quizzically for a second then blushed then started laughing so hard she doubled over" 

Only then did I realize my  "clarification" only made it worse.  Gah! 

People are so complicated.

Management Think #9

Recently I had to change my e-mail address and I do all on-line bill pay so I go to all my vendors, ya know, phone, cable, credit card, etc. and change my e-mail address.

Logically they all sent me an e-mail notifying that someone had changed my e-mail address online and if it was not me alert them to the security breach immediately.

However, two, count them TWO vendors sent that e-mail the the NEW e-mail account.   So if I had been hacked I would never know it. Since sending the e-mail to the new address defeats the entire point of even sending an e-mail you gotta wonder just what were they thinking?

Oh stupid question, hell I have been in this business long enough to "hear" the design meeting...

DBA: "Well the Idiots Guide to Website Design says to send a notification to the the old address for security"
"But how am I to be sending it to the old address when they just changed the address? I am not having the old address anymore"
DBA: Well we should have an audit table where we track changes and we can pull from there, OR in the change address screen you can hold the new address in memory, send a note to the old address THEN change the address in the database OR,...{three other ways to skin the cat}"
"I am not knowing about these things. Let me get back to you."

47 meetings and 1,487 excuses about why they just can't do it right the manager says "This is taking too much time, just send it to the new address, what the hells the difference. Gah DBA's are such a pain in the ass"

Failing a test and Passing a test

Ok, this story is the flip-side of yesterdays story!

I was looking for that critical first job right out of college. You know, you have the degree but you have zippo experience and employers are wary.

I went to an interview at Automated Telephone Management systems. I interviewed with one of the lead programmers there. After about 5 minutes it became painfully obvious I had nothing they were looking for. What I had studied and what they were doing were just totally different.

I knew I was not getting this job so I relaxed and with the pressure off my playful personality came out. I remember even cracking a joke about how I did not like their toilet in the lobby. It had a "booster seat" for the handicapped and said I felt like I was 5 years old with my legs dangling off the toilet like that.

The people in the surrounding cubes and the guy interviewing me all broke up laughing.

Then I delved off into Kirk VS Picard. My long standing position is that when Picard delvers a flying drop kick to someones chest then bags the blue chick, THEN we can talk!

Again laughter rippled throughout the surrounding cubes!

They made me an offer. I was SHOCKED!

Everyday I was there I was convinced they would realize their mistake and fire me so I really hit the books and studied all the new technology they used. I was given simple assignments that let me learn without overwhelming me. Still I was ready for that ax to fall any second!

In the meantime that manager at the hospital in the previous story would have LOVED this place. It was full of anti-social nerds who never said anything or talked to anybody. The monastery like silence was killing me! Once day I even stood up in my cube and yelled "What is this a library!? Somebody say something!"

So I started just going to random cubes and saying something like "It's break time lets go outside and see the sun?" Then I would get a chance to talk to that person and get to know them a little. Once the ice was broken they would talk to you in the future. One by one I pulled the monks out of their cubicles and got them talking to me. Before long I had us going to lunches together or hanging out together after work. Of course some people never joined in but most did.

I had been there about 5 months and I knew I was getting the technology down when I was assigned my first major project. It was a tough one too! In fact, It was so tough no one else wanted it and basically it got fobbed off on the new guy!

When I  pulled off that project I felt secure in that job for the first time. There was a question I had wanted to ask for 6 months but never dared ask before. Now that I no longer felt they were going to fire me at any second I finally asked it.

Mr. Manager, why did you hire me? I knew nothing you needed!

He nodded and chuckled! Well Rob, I had a personnel problem here. I had a lot of really bright gifted people working here but I did not have a team. They were not working together.  No one ever talked to each other, they never bonded. I had tried to loosen them up but as the boss they would not ease up around me. In your interview I tagged you as a team builder and even though you had NONE of the tech skills I needed I thought you would be a net gain as an actual team formed. I was right.

It's just a bonus you actually learned the skills we needed to boot.

So, after years of hard work and sacrifice to get that degree I was hired for my personality?!  Ouch!

So that is how women who get hired for thier looks feel like huh? :)

Giving a test and failing a test

One time I was interviewing at a hospital in Dallas. I was very conflicted. The technology was uber cool and I really, REALLY wanted to play with it, however the department manager was making quite a point about what a buttoned down formal place this was. I mean he was selling it, bragging about it and how great it was to work there because they had regular cubicle inspections and such. Wow.

Working with technology is the art of creative problem solving and creative people rarely do well in constrained formal work environments. Most technology firms understand this and in order to profit from their talents create work environments that fit them.

I am ex-military and I know I suffered there. "Don't think, follow the manual." is the rule. I once had an old master Sergent tell me that in wartime my solutions to problems would make me a hero but in peacetime they made me a pain in the ass.

So as much as I wanted to work in this hospital I did not think I would be happy there but I was not sure.  So while the department manager was taking me on a tour I had a sudden inspiration! A test! While we were in the cube farm area,  I said  in a moderately loud voice, "We are the knights who say ..." as I heard at least six discreet "Ni's" emanate from the cube farm I turned to the befuddled dept manager with a smile and said, "I think I will be happy here."

I never got an offer. In hindsight I am guessing my little test got me tagged as "pain in the ass" on the spot from his perspective.

Cest la vie.

Bad Day!

Ok, work really had me stressed out Wednesday morning. I never used to be stressed out. It’s just not my nature; I am just a pretty laid back guy. These state contracts can be lucrative but they seem to be getting to me.

I would tell you all about it but I would hate to see you all start nodding off at all the gory detail on the political infighting of entrenched bureaucracy. I’ll just sum it up by saying that by lunchtime on Wednesday I had a tic in my left eye. Now I always joke about getting a tic but this time I actually had a physically uncontrollable tic in my left eye! Creepy!

Upon seeing my eye, the lady I work with said, “C’mon, time to get outta here, let’s get lunch.” So we went to Pizza Hut. I was sitting there ranting about the day so far with her while eating some pizza and then I bit my cheek.

Oh not just any old nip of the cheek- I got a solid bite on it. In fact, I could tell by the way my teeth pressed through the flesh that it was not pizza I just cut through before I even felt the pain. It felt like a piece of tender steak. I had a chance to think - Oooooo, that's gonna hurt before it even hurt!

I poked a nice hole into my check and a big flap of meat was hanging loose. Yeah, I was done eating and I spent the rest of the afternoon with my tongue holding the flap of meat down so it would heal. Ever try to bandaage the inside of your cheek? They don't stick very well.

Not too long after that as I had the bleeding under control :) I went to blow my nose. I picked a napkin up off the table and blew normally. I saw it a millisecond before it went in.

You know the pepper sprinkles (seeds) pizza joints always have? I love them! I always use them. I even have a shaker at home! Well, I guess a flake or two of red pepper seed got onto my napkin, then when I blew my nose a seed shot right up the crack between the napkin and my nose and went right into my right eye!

I blinked and the seed got under my lower eyelid. I start tearing up trying to blink it out from under the eye lid. I can feel it kinda scratchy under there and it’s starting to burn. I jumped up and headed to the bathroom with just one eye to use the mirror and sink to fish it out but someone is in there and it’s locked.

Now the tears are coming hard and heavy and it’s really burning- bad.

So here I am standing in a dimly lit and dirty bathroom alcove in the sprawling metropolis of Springfield with a bleeding hole in my cheek and my eyes watering like crazy with no where to go.

Then, in the midst of pain, blood and tears, I had a flash back and an epiphany- when I was small and in Catholic School the nuns use to tell us boys that when we touched our selves it made the baby Jesus cry. They also taught us that Jesus would always forgive us if we asked.

So right there in that dingy Pizza Hut alcove I took the chance to say to Jesus, I am really sorry for making you cry so often. I now realize that my middle teen years must have been pretty rough on you having to cry so much. So now I am asking forgiveness, so please, I hope you will not continue to make me cry in return.

Just in case though, today I shook my napkin out quite thoroughly before blowing my nose.

Humor is Unprofessional.

I was reading a post on Michelle’s blog last night reading about her recent interview and it got me to thinking.

I love to have fun in everything I do. I grew up watching M*A*S*H where Hawkeye and BJ were the very best surgeons around and yet they were always cutting up and having fun even though they did the very best work that could be done.

I think that had a lasting impact on me because I have tried to live my life that way. Be the best I can be but don’t be one of those people who are oh so serious all the time.

Once I worked at an oil company. Most of the people in IT there were like my M*A*S*H model- We had a hell of a lot of fun but did very good work. We had an internal forum set up so instead of having a lot of memo’s floating around we would post them on the forum. You know, important stuff like “Someone left a ring in the 30th floor ladies room, please see Janie if it is yours” kind of stuff. :)

There was also a jokes thread on the forum that was by far the majority of the posts out there.

The old Director retired and we had a youngish new director come in. We all thought he was going to be good at first but he turned out to be a stuffed suit. Before long he was onto me for using humor in the work place. He repeatedly explained to me that there was no room for humor in business and it was very unprofessional and that every time I sent out an e-mail or injected humor in a presentation I made myself look bad and by extension made him look bad which made the whole company look bad.

So I really did try to suck all of life out of anything I typed or said and I did get much more ”professional” and yet I just could not get all of ‘me’ out of my communications. He always found room to criticize my lack of professionalism. Needless to say I was pretty miserable.

Then one day at our weekly staff meeting he said, “Were you people aware that there is a jokes thread on the company forum?” We did not know if that was a trick question or not because all of our names were on many posts. Thankfully he went on, “I want that joke thread off line by close of business today! There is no room in business for that kind of unprofessional behavior; it makes all of us look bad!”

Now Peter Parker, name changed to protect the guilty, was a guy that was VERY proud of being the CFO and Vice President. He enjoyed his power immensely. He liked to see people jump when he barked. However, he did have a good sense of humor and he was on the joke thread quite a bit!

He was our new director’s boss. I thought I ought to warn our new director even though I really did not like him, “Have you mentioned this to Mr. Parker? You know he is pretty active on the joke thread.” Well since he and I had “history” about humor he just tuned me out and pretended he did not even hear me even though we were two foot apart. I shrugged my shoulders. Several of us exchanged meaningful glances in the meeting because we knew it was going to be trouble!

Now, exactly one week to the hour later we were in our next staff meeting again. Mr. Parker stuck his head in the door and said, “Sorry to disturb your meeting but I thought this would be a good time to catch you, I did not want to put in a help desk ticket because it is so minor but for some reason the joke thread disappeared off of the company forum.”

The director replied with just a trace of venom in his voice, “Yes sir, I had that taken down because humor on the job is unprofessional and it makes all of look bad.”

There was a collective gasp in the room because we all knew Parker was pretty active out there. Basically, a priest just called the Cardinal a child molester right out in public! Oh it was GREAT!

You could see the anger cloud his face, Parker’s eyes narrowed and his voice got low and gravely. He did this AWESOME but unintentional Clint Eastwood impersonation when he said, “Well, *I* read that thread and *I* post to it all time and I happen to think I am quite professional and I don’t think my jokes make any of us look bad. Put it back... Now.” His Clint Eastwood was so good I swore he was gonna finish by asking the director if he felt lucky, " well, do ya... punk!"

Ah, mister director is now in "oh no" mode. He knows he just committed a major CLM (Career Limiting Move) and is trying to recover, “Ah, yes sir! Sean, put that back on line. Have it done before you leave today.”
Parker, still in Clint Eastwood mode, growling low and quiet, “I said NOW!”
I swear I could hear the director swallow when he said “Yes, sir! Sean, take care of that right now.”
Sean and Mr. Parker walked out together.

Ooooooo the tension was thick!

Mr. Director immediately said, “Why didn’t you people warn me he posted on there!”
I was righteous, “I did warn you! You were in that very same chair when I warned you and you just blew me off!”
“You should have warned me more!”
After a moment of shocked silence and in a very unprofessional manner, I laughed long and loud right then and there! It was a very satisfying laugh too.

Jerk.

Of course, that laughter was my CLM. I started circulating resumes very shortly thereafter.