Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A Swing and a Miss

Strike one.

Folks here at work were talking about how awesome Amish furniture is so the first thought that popped into my warped little mind is " I bet the Amish website really sucks". So I made a sad little attempt at humor and was IMMEDIATELY called on it. (never have I gotten comments faster!)  Of course the Amish don't have websites but OF COURSE their distributors and retailers do. Duh.

Strike two.

Our shitty cable provider, Comcast, has taken six steps back, we have reverted to the 80's and we have to have cable boxes again. (Remember those?)  There are three TV's in the house and only one box worked right. So I spent HOURS on the phone with someone from India trying to make the the other two work. And when I say trying to make them work that means we spent a few hours unplugging the box and plugging it back in, basically rebooting it. I was very patient that day.

She finally gave up and sent a technician. Well by 'sent' I mean 10 days later a guy showed up 3 hours after the appointed time and fixed the other two cable boxes. I was patient then too. I made sure they both worked before he left.

After he left I noticed that the one box that worked before was not getting all the channels it should now. Grrrrrr. So I called up Comcast and the lady in India told me to unplug the cable box. My patients were now officially all used up. I said NO! I have spent hours rebooting these boxes and it has never worked and I don't intend to waste another night of my life rebooting boxes because it's not going to work now, I am not following your script anymore, give me something intelligent to do and I will gladly do it but no more unplugging boxes for NOTHING!

Oh yes, it was a rant! My voice coach would have been so proud! I was projecting from the diaphragm! Yes, it was a good old fashioned LOUD "NO MORE" rant.

I felt so much better. Then I felt childish so I relented and rebooted the stupid box.

As I had heard dozens of times already. "Now it should take 45 minutes to reload. If after 45 minutes you still have problems give us call us back."

Yeah, thanks, I have this fricken script memorized. Been there done that have a couple of boxes of T shirts from all the visits, thanks.

So, yeah, of course it worked this time! I made an ass of my self, the girl in India now wants to blow up plane loads of American jerk wads and the cable box works just fine.


Hmmm, maybe I could lie to my self to make me feel better?

You know, I bet the rant fixed it!

No, no, no, that makes no logical sense, more likely, they just been screwing with me for the last two weeks and when I went off on the tear the little girl knew she had really better actually fix it this time. Yeah, that's it. I finally make her do her job. Yes!

Ah, self delusion is soooooo important!

Monday, November 29, 2010


I was told the Amish make some really GREAT handcrafted furniture so I was intrigued.

I have looked and looked but I can't find their website anywhere though.

Printer Mouse

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
Tech Support: Any idea what is wrong with it?
Caller: The Mouse is jammed.
Tech Support: Mouse? ... Our printers don't have a mouse!!!
Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really? ... I will send a picture.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

How Fairy Tales Really End


Sleeping Beauty (she got the best deal if you ask me! )

Princess Jasmin (from Aladin)

Belle from Beauty and the Beast.
(apparantly she got the breasts done on a prior visit! AR! :) )

Finally, we have The little Mermaid!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Anti...

Lets see, we have anti-matter, the anti-Christ, anti-virus, anti-cruelty, anti war and even antonyms but NOW we have scientific proof of the existence of the anti-redneck!

Thanks Tammy!

Monday, November 22, 2010

It's wicked awesome!

You have to do that title with a Northeastern accent!

When Nerdyrednecks and stuck up new yorkers are on the same side of an issue you KNOW it's a real groundswell!

This is the best SNL video I have seen since "Sexual Harassment in the work place


PS at the end that blonde is reasonably cute but MAN she can NOT dance! :)

Whew! NOW I feel safe!

I don't care how many people you have to molest, so long as *I* feel safe.

I weep for what America once was. We have become a nation of Volvo driving, bicycle helmet wearing sniveling little pansies who will submit to any degradation to feel "safe"

Shame on you Mom; shame on YOU. You are suppossed to STOP this from happening to your baby not help out.

Bile and Scrambled eggs don't mix so well. :(

Just in time!

It's whats for supper!

Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm, America's favorite food has always been dead animals. but folks, we have gotten in a rut, God created so many tasty animals and we limit ourselves to chicken, pig and cow, with the occasional fish or lamb thrown in. As we all know Lamb was the favorite food of Jesus because so many of his pictures showed him with little lambs!

So come on folks, lets get a little variety

Just remember, if God did not want you to eat animals, he would not have made them taste so darned goooood!

I just love those folks at ThinkGeek!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A New Graph...

Perhaps I am liking GraphJam just a little too much? :)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Wow! A triple post day.

After my last post I have been reading and pondering on the whole "naked scanner/pat down" procedure where they grope (palpate) your breasts and and feel your genitals.

Upon further review, really, I just don't see what all the fuss is about?? I have been feeling a little "lonely" lately and a $79 Southwest ticket is way, cheaper than a prostitute!

{rim shot please? - duh duh dump}

Unlike lying ass Jerry Jones and his poorly named "Action Station" i complained about a few weeks ago the TSA will come through, you pays your money and you gets your groping!

{duh duh dump}

I mean this new process could have saved Elliot Spitzer about $85,000!

{duh duh dump}

Hells bells, that's chump change! This could have saved Tiger Woods 500 Million!

{duh duh dump}


I better get back to some humor around here so a rare double post today!

The State of Texas requires a bachelor of Science degree applicant to have two semesters of Economics.

When I took Economics 101 I fell in LOVE with economics! I was STUNNED to discover how Human behavior could be mathematically modeled! In fact if you have ever seen the awesome movie "A Beautiful Mind" the 'true original work' Russell Crow's character did in his youth and received the Nobel peace prize for later was was the prize for economics.

Sorry, I drift... So imagine my delight at discovering the following axioms of human existence graphed in glorious techi-color! :)

I hope you enjoy these even a fraction as much as I did...

The next two are not really human behavior related but they are good enough to include...

Nerds Rule!

Sorry, this is two posts in a row of a non humor nature (unless of course like me you consider the TSA and "homeland security" to be HUGE albeit incredibly expensive jokes)

I have a new blogger hero! PLUS he is a software guy too! NERDS RULE!

You have probably heard of him since he seems to be headlining the news today but in case you have not...

When a TSA agent informed him we was going to pat down his groinal area he replied, "If you touch my junk I will have you arrested" (As the old commercial said, "that's sexual harassment and I don't have to take it!")

Needless to say he did not fly that day (and he may never fly again!)

6 TSA agents and a Police officer escorted him back to the ticket area, THEN a TSA supervisor told him if he left the airport without his groinal pat down he would be subject to a 10,000 fine and a civil suit.

He told the TSA supervisor 'see ya in court' and left! ROFL!

I love this guy! I want to have his children! What an American! (This nation was born defying ignorant unelected rulers. You know, like TSA agents and Federal Judges)

His Blog that started it all

Here is a shorter San Diego News story that will give you the gist quickly

Friday, November 12, 2010


A day late but... :(

Sorry, today is one of my rare departures from humor here but I wanted to share one of the most powerful photographs I have ever seen with you all today.

It was in the Dallas paper six years ago today; it is still stuck in my soul.

The photo was taken at a Veteran's Day Commemoration at Dallas City Hall in 2004.

The older vet is Houston James, a Pearl Harbor survivor. (That generation is getting so rare now)

The Vet in uniform is Staff Sergent Mark Garunke Jr. a member of the ordnance disposal squad. He lost his left hand, right index finger and thumb, left eye and right leg in Iraq in July of 2003.

The two generations pictured here are separated by decades yet connect in ways that are difficult if not impossible for the rest of us to fathom.

and some people think football players are heroes. pffft.

Whenever you feel down about your life remember this photo.

PS I simply adore how Mr. James has reached an age where he does not give a shit if its unmanly to cry or not. Right there on stage in front of hundreds of people and the press. Who cares? And who is going to tell a Pearl Harbor survivor he is unmanly? For that matter who who would ever question Sgt. Garunke's manhood?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


I have discovered the answer to the ancient riddle!

(Click the strip to enlarge...)

And now we all KNOW why the chicken crosses the road!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The exception

Well I usually don't do the "motivational posters"because they are EVERYWHERE. However this one hits so close to home I HAD to share it!

Of course this is why when anyone calls me a consultant I correct them, I am a contractor I tell them. What's the difference is the inevitable question;

Contractors come in and do work, we get things DONE. Consultants come in and talk, write reports, hold meetings, get behind schedule and bring 42 other consultants to assist thereby REALLY cranking up the billable hours, then like a bad dinner guest just will NOT leave until you threaten them with a baseball bat. :) When they do finally leave you have a huge bill and little to nothing tangible to show for it.

State Governments LOVES consultants! :)

So I LOVE this poster!

Of course since I am making exceptions this morning and I grew up wearing overalls, I guess I can't let this post go without including this one...

I'm not sure about that caption though, look at the background behind her. She may be very good looking but I think she is still a redneck! ;)

Monday, November 8, 2010

Ancient Wisdom!

I can't remember, did I rant last year about how much I hate the stupidity that is Daylight "Savings" Time? Even the name is stupid.

I think the old Chief from the "The Outlaw Josey Wales" said it best....

(as always, you can click the picture to make it bigger...)

Friday, November 5, 2010

Some Peoples Kids

Wednesday when I came into work a table near my cube was covered with Halloween leftovers (days later in spite of my best efforts it STILL is!)

So someone left a piece of fruit on the table too.

Here is a wide angle shot... (The picture is way blurry, apparently i had the sugar shakes already at this point! What? What do mean Snickers does not make a breakfast bar?)

So being my cute, loveable and yes HILARIOUS self, I left a little note on the table...

Maybe you think it's funny maybe you don't but I can hear several conversations over there from my cube, many people just don't get it, and several people are actually quite offended by it! Maybe 10-15% of "respondents' think it's funny.

Personally I giggle uncontrollably every time I think about it! (had to stop writing for a "giggle break" there)

Then again, as I tell you how funny *I* think I am I recall the words of Robert Heinlein, "beware a poet who reads his own work aloud in public- He probably has other bad habits! (Hmmmm is that is a Paraprosdokian Sentence?)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Party Down!

I realize I live in a State Capital now but I had no idea election night was a PARTY NIGHT.

As a reminder I am working contracts at state agencies these days. At least in Illinois all state employees have the day off paid. Basically the state shuts down on election day.

The public schools here mirror the State schedule so if Mom or Dad are off then the kids are out too. (which is kinda cruel of the schools if you think about it. :) )

So I tried to make yesterday somewhat productive, after some cleaning and laundry I went to WAL-Mart for groceries. OMG the place was a mad house! It was like Christmas in there!

So I said "screw this" since it defeated the whole point of shopping on a weekday in the first place SO I went and got my oil changed and washed the car.

Then there has been a sewing machine of mine sitting unused down in the basement for while now. Erika dropped some VERY polite hints about it ( Hey, I am dropping some stuff at Good will, want me to take THAT too! ) lol

So I asked around and a friend wanted it so this was a perfect day to drop it off and get it out of the basement! I called and said, are you home and can I drop this off.. You bet, come on over... When I get here there is a PARTY going on! 3:00 on a weekday (even though schools and state are off)

I noticed as I was driving over too that MANY houses had slews of cars parked around them too. It looked like SuperBowl Sunday in that way.

Then they shut down the streets down town and it's a big street party after 7:00 o'clock.

I mean I am very into being a good citizen and voting and all but this place PARTIES over an election!

Very weird.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Ear rat a

Disney thinks the Guardians are Owls. Ha! Check out these trained guard cats...

Erika is setting there Shelling a bunch of pecans she bought at farmers Market(?)

Note how the guardians have positioned themselves on each flank? That whole licking their paws thing is a non verbal warning to any chipmunk or squirrel eyeing Erika's pecans that "this will be YOUR blood I will be cleaning from my jowls if you come too close"

Then after reading my Star Wars post Erika gave me a Guardian....

My laptop and tea have never been safer! :)

Jump tracks...
I saw "V For Vendetta" in the theater when it was a new release. I walked out of the theater with an "eh" attitude. I did not dislike like it but it did very little for me. Then I a couple of weeks ago I was surfing the boob toob and NOTHING else was on so watched the last half hour or so of it on TV. I was thinking, "This is better than I remember."

Then just by coincidence Erika caught it on the DVR since she had never seen it. The next day I was dying to watch it with her but she was too busy cleaning her pecans. :)

So I watched it alone front to back with no commercials. (DVR's ROCK!) A beautiful movie visually and intellectually (in spite of some cartoon violence). Smart, funny and very deep. It's a love story to boot; the beautiful young woman falls in love with the horribly disfigured burn victim. It's chock full of wonderful philosophical quotes to boot such as "We are told to remember the idea, not the man, because a man can fail. He can be caught, he can be killed and forgotten, but 400 years later, an idea can still change the world. I've witnessed first hand the power of ideas, I've seen people kill in the name of them, and die defending them... but you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it, or hold it... ideas do not bleed, they do not feel pain, they do not love, they do not die"

Mmmmmm. that is good writing.

Another quote is from the "autobiographical" note of a woman dieing in a concentration camp that she scratched out on toilet paper and hid in the rat hole of her cell that really moved me...

"...It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

-Valerie. "

Wow. Bea-ut-i-ful. Yup, I'm a big sap and hey, I grow more comfortable with that everyday. :) (this is also the scene I caught while surfing that made me want to see the whole movie again)

Now recently Tammy accused me of not being "romantic" ;)

Here is a great quote as V is dying in Evey's arms...

V: ...For 20 years, I sought only this day. (vengeance!!) Nothing else existed... until I saw you. Then everything changed. I fell in love with you Evey. And to think I no longer believed I could.
Evey: But I don't want you to die.
V: That's the most beautiful thing you could have ever given me.

Bravo! Good stuff! Who is NOT a romantic?! :)

There are a dozen other excellent quotes and dialog like this in the movie and then the closing scene is very powerful but this is getting to long.

So, back to original track...

I really wanted to watch this with Erika when she recorded it the weekend before last but we watched it together last night. I am not sure, but I don't think the movie did a thing for her. Just like it did nothing for me the first time I saw it.