Wednesday, April 27, 2011

This is post 400.

Such a sad little swirling vortex of lost productivity!


I was raised catholic and went to catholic school (with real live NUNS to boot) If anything will make you reject Catholicism when you grow up its nuns!

However I was watching a thing on the papacy on the history channel this weekend and as I watched it I had to rethink my whole position on the catholic faith. You get up in the morning and put on a really weird hat, slam down some wine, molest some kids, go to heaven! What a gig!

It's strangely like being a TSA agent


Have you ever noticed that the people who will tell you ever so seriously about how the American Indian used every part of the animal and how fantastic it was that they wasted nothing are the exact same people who when offered a a hot dog (or bolgna) Will go into pratical hysterics "My God do you know what parts of the animal they use in that? Ewwwwwww"

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Tall Tales

I have ALWAYS loved telling stories!

That is why my friends encouraged me to start blogging... so they would not have to actually listen to my stories anymore!

Switching to written story telling from oral you loose a lot of the tools of good story telling, tone of voice, body language maybe even some accents thrown in here and there.

Friday night I had a chance to get all oral again and it was GREAT.

A buddy of mine wants to go to this party but I don't know anyone there. As a nerd I HATE going to a party period but to a party where I don't know anyone? Oh the horror! 

(Also bear in mind from my last post that I wrenched my knee pushing a boat and am using a cane for 10 days. )

So we walked into the front room and right off there is a weird situation, there were 3 people comparing scars, and one of them was a pretty hot blond. I have seen guys doing "scar competitions" before but outside of the movie lethal weapon 4(?) I have never seen women play the game. But here it was in living color!

So I said Ooooo- can I play?


So I lifted my shirt and showed them my stomach surgery scars, I was wearing shorts and I have a nice double scar above my knee where the propeller of a radio control plane got me and then I have several good misc hand scars from farming and mechanizing.

Now I am telling YOU where the scars came but that is not what I told them.... for them I just pointed them all out. The Surgery scars are the best of course but the others made nice "accessories"

So they asked where did you get all those scars...

Well during the first Persian gulf war I had to eject from my crippled F-15 fighter deep over enemy territory!

"Oh man! What happened to you!?"

Well there I was deep over Saddam's stronghold, flying high cover on a moonless night, moving nearly as fast as a bullet 10 miles above the earth. At that altitude on a moonless night the stars looked like diamonds scattered on black velvet. So crisp, so close, you can easily convince yourself you have in fact left the planet and are in space. It was gorgeous! It was so ironic to experience such beauty deep in a war zone!

Suddenly my reverie was shattered by a flashing master caution alarm!

With no warning at all a fan belt had broken! You want to talk about fear! Fear that grabs you deep in your gut and won't let go!

Still, I tried to salvage the situation but when the fan belt on #1 broke apparently it flew off into #2 engine and took out its fan belt too. I was hosed! I had no hydraulics! (Power steering) You simply can not fly an F-15 without hydraulics! I had no choice but to eject!

It was during the ejection sequence when I snagged jagged pieces of the canopy and got the belly and leg scars I showed you.

More people are gathering around now, it's getting quiet at this party.

So I went on about how hard it is while drifting down in your parachute to judge when you going to contact the ground in the dark dessert and I misjudged the landing and to this day I have this cane to remind me of it.

I managed to evade capture for a few days but they finally got me. The scars on my hands are from the interrogations...

Finally one guy, challenged me, "What? Those scars are not from torture!"

With a grin I said, "Dude! You mean you bought the fan belts breaking but you are NOT buying the interrogation scars?"

People are looking a each other and the blond with her own scars asked me if any part of this story is true?

With my grin growing wider I answered "Helllllll no! But its a good story huh?"

Every one laughed and suddenly I was not at a party of strangers anymore.

Monday, April 25, 2011

High tech

Two weekends ago I hurt my knee very badly. (well to ME) I went to the doc and a couple of blogworthy notes came out of it.

The doctor had an x-ray machine in his office and one of his nurses was unsure of the settings so the doctor come in and was helping her.

I don't know about you but when someone is pointing a radation gun at me and is not quite sure what all the doohickeys are for I get nervous and when I get nervous I make jokes

So when they finally shot the front view of the knee I cupped my balls and yelped "OW! MY SPERM!  Oh the looks on their faces was soooo precious!

(a thousand nerd points to whoever can name the show that came from. Googling disqualifies you! )

When they shot the side view I said, "Thats funny! My sperm did not hurt that time!"

So in the end he writes me a script for some muscle relaxers and a cane. A cane? In this day and age? With all the high tech goodies at our disposal he gave me a fucking STICK!

Well yes he did and it worked GREAT!

I asked for one with flames on but apparantly they don't watch "House"

Saturday, April 16, 2011

A tale of nerdy vengence!

Ok, as I have discussed before my son did not directly inherit my nerdmanity. All through school he was the jock, the football star.

We had satellite TV then which carried the BBC and more than once I tried to get him to watch reruns of Monty Pythons Flying Circus with me but he HATED it. "This is so stupid Dad!"
Oh my- the squirting sound as my heart was crushed could be heard in the next room but you have to accept that while he is your son he has his own tastes.

At my Dallas house his bedroom is next to my home office. It was a Saturday and he had several members of his football team over but the weather was shitty and there was nothing on TV. I could hear them complaining about how bored they were. After about a half hour of listening to them whine I went to my room and got my Holy Grail DVD.

I knocked on his door and told the group, "I been hearing you guys say how bored you are so I want just 5 minutes of your time, just watch this DVD for 5 minutes and if you don't like it I will just pop it out and not say a word more about it."

I could see them trying to figure out what the catch was so I added, "You are already bored to tears, what do you have to loose?" So they agreed.

As  I pulled the DVD from behind my back my son was like "Oh no Dad! Not that!" I just replied, 5 minutes, what do you have to loose?

So I went to scene selection and chose "The tale of Sir Lancelot"

This is the scene where the kings gay son is being forced to marry against his will and is locked in the tallest tower to await the marriage. So he sent a tale of woe out on an arrow arrow telling of his plight and asking for some brave knight to rescue me.

Of Course sir Lancelot assumes someone being held in a tower, forced to marry and looking for a knight is a DAMSEL. So lancelot rips into this little fiefdom peacefully preparing for a wedding and commenced to hack and slay his way through men and women who have no idea at all they are being attacked.
"Oh aren't these flowers lovely-  Ung!!"

The boys, (being teen age boys) were howling with laughter. Its a 7 minute scene and at the 5 minute mark I pulled the DVD.

"They were all like "whoa wait a minute we want to see that!"
"OH I know how stupid Monty Python is. Sorry I made you watch it. Sorry Brian for boring your friends with this stupid stuff!"

Oh I was so mean, I made them BEG for it! BWUH HA HA HA HA!

A nerd's revenge on the football team 20 years delayed but fulfilled!

I still owe the those cheerleaders though! Some day, some day my nerdy vengence quest will be complete!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Another Military Story (sorta)

So one day I was working on the rudder (foot) pedals of a fighter. The ejection seat was out so I was laying on the floor where the seat would be with my head up under the "dash"

Climbing into a fighter is much like mounting a horse, you swing a leg up over the canopy sill and step down into the cockpit. So the crew chief, a rather portly fellow, decides to climb in. He did not check to see if *I* was there first though so he swings a leg up and over the canopy rail and plants a boot right into in my groinal arena!

Oh my descendants!

I set up fast and wanged my head on something under the 'dash'.  Then I laid back down and moaned for a minute. We all had a good laugh at my expense and went back to work. You know, both heads were injured in one accident ha ha ha ha! I was moving slower than before though.

About 15 minutes later I had to use the restroom. When I peed it was pretty dark. Blood in the urine, uh oh.

Long story short some blood vessels were ruptured in the sackal region and one side flooded with blood and distended.

Oddly enough, I came to learn this is a VERY common condition in the Air Force but its generally happens to pilots under high g loads.

After a few more follow ups it was confirmed that I was, in the words of my doctor,  rendered sterile.
So fast forward about 7 years. My wife gives me the supposedly happy news that she is pregnant. She is confused that I am not happy. "I'm sterile ya know. So who got you pregnant?"

Well needless to say this set off a marital crises. So it turns out sterile is a relative term. I am technically sterile but I still have some squigglers so a better term than 'sterile' would be "low probability". Of all people you would think doctors would use more descriptive language, right?

So when "the boy" turned up, there was no doubt what so ever that I was the father. He is my clone. The only thing he really got from his mother was his full thick facial hair. Wish I could grow a beard like that!