Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Cows Are Not Cold eh?

For many years I have felt bad for the poor animals stuck outside in the winter!

I mean I was bundled up in 6 layers of clothing and by the time the car warmed up I was shivering. Those poor cows are out in that field with no shelter and no source of heat 24 hours a day! That used to make me feel sorry for them!

Not anymore though! Who knew cow skin was impervious to cold?

Since I do not officially live in Illinois for the past two winters I have steadfastly refused to buy a big heavy coat that I will never wear again when I go back home. Such a waste!

As winter approached this year and after much, uh, encouragement, yeah that’s a good word, from friends I actually went to the store and looked at coats and even tried a few on. I did not find anything I liked in about 20 minutes, then I realized I was violating man-law #16 as I was shopping and not buying and beat a hasty retreat from the store. Man law nothing, 20 minutes in one store looking at stuff was all I could take!

Well, I did find one coat I really, really, REALLY liked but it was clear man-law violation in and of itself! It was a fur lined leather jacket and it was Awesomely warm and oh so comfortable. I tried it on and I was like, “Yeah, this is the Illinois ticket!!” Then I looked in the mirror! Hmmmmm, the fur lining extended out the collars, cuffs and bottom so they were all big and fluffy and as I looked in the mirror I thought, “Hmmmm, this looks awfully feminine! Is this really a man’s coat?” After a double check yeah, it is *supposed* to be a man’s coat. Am I just being too harsh though? Let’s get a second opinion.

A mother and her teen age daughter were in the next aisle so I asked them, does this coat look girly? I saw the hesitation on Mom’s face and I said, it’s OK, that is why I asked! She was like, “Oh yeah! That is way girly!” and daughter is nodding vigorously as well! Crap!

So the one thing I liked shot down in flames so I quit! I mean even nerdy rednecks have to have some standards!

So, guess what I got for Christmas this year from my girlfriend? A really awesome leather coat! Not only does it look really good but it is totally impervious to cold! Air simply does not penetrate that cow hide! It is the warmest thing I have ever owned! It even looks so good that several *men* have overcome their inherant homophobia and told me how good it looks. (Men so very rarely compliment other men on apparel, I mean cool car, cool boat, cool bike, hot girl friend are all very acceptable compliments but to compliment another man’s appearance is pretty rare! )

So I don’t feel bad for cows anymore and nether should you, cold does not penetrate their skin and to top it all off they just taste so damned good! Such lucky animals!


tammy said...

You men. I just don't get how you cannnot love shopping for things other than guns and boats.

And I think you should've taken a picture and let us be the judge of whether it was too girly or not.

House of Jules said...

I would've paid good money to see you in that first coat.

Anonymous said...

Hey Redneck, cows DO get cold, can get hypothermia, and die. Good thing you are not a farmer. That "coat" of yours does not have nerves and pores alive in it anymore. Read more:

Faux leather does the same thing and costs less.

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Anon. You crack me up!