Monday, June 13, 2011

The Date From Hell

As I mentioned earlier I used Internet dating sites for a while.

One of my many astute observations in life (IMHO) is that if you meet someone lonely it is self imposed. Generally via a bunch of preconditions. "Well the person I date can't do X and they can't have Y and they  SHOULD have Z and they have to be between C and D and blah blah blah blah. Show me a lonely person and I'll show you at least two people interested in them that they have ruled out for some (usually odd) reason. Then it's "I can't understand why I'm sooooo alone...."

I can.

So I have refused to allow myself to go down that road. I am willing to talk to anyone with no preconditions and and if I like them, go out. The fact that we find each other interesting is the *only* thing that matters to me. I kinda follow Clint Eastwood's philosophy in Heartbreak Ridge, "You can rob me, you can starve me...and you can beat me and you can kill me. Just don't bore me." :)

(On an interesting side, note I would much prefer to date non smokers but for some odd reason every single woman I have dated has been a smoker! My hypothesis is that I only appeal to women with self destructive tendencies. :)  )

So, on to the meat of the story. I met "Amy" on an Internet dating site. She is a college senior finishing up her nursing degree. I married as a teen but I was married for 25 years(!). So I was married longer than this women has been alive. OBVIOUSLY we have an age gap. However, she is a sci-fi fan and we love many of the same books and we exchanged MANY e-mails and had MANY delightful conversations. Even though we were both wary about the age difference we both agree that we have something and we should meet.

So I set up a date at The Outback on a Friday night. (For good or bad I consider this the perfect first date spot, it's mid range enough you'll not get tagged as a "cheapskate", yet not so pretentious that someone is uncomfortable being there! Plus hey, they have good food!)

So I met Amy there and it started wrong right away. She was speaking "urban", "Sheet Dawg, what be yo shizzle gansta mo fo?" (Sorry, I don't have an urban to American dictionary so I am not sure if that makes sense or not) I was a bit alarmed but we had so MANY good e-mails I was not ready to run yet. I figured she was just nervous and this was a "phase"

So we ordered a couple of drinks while we waited on our food. Being Friday night they were jam packed so we waited a bit and we had a couple more drinks. Alas, her "phase" shows no sign of relenting. After 3 margaritas she is getting loud AND slipping deeper into "urban" AND adding some loud profanity to boot! Oy vey!

As a nerd,  oblivion to social signals is part of my make up. However,  even with my +7 Oblivion stylus and my +22 Oblivion Droid smart phone,  I can still pick up on the turned heads and the occasional glares. I am trying to quiet her down but apparently my urban is not good enough to effectively communicate with her.

The embarrassment on my part is already reaching epic proportions when the manager came over and said to ME, "Sir, if you can't control your daughter we are going to have to ask you to leave."

OH dear Lord. Date.From.Hell!

PS I caught myself in a lie.. " I said " I am willing to talk to anyone with no preconditions and and if I like them, go out." That should read  "I am willing to talk to any woman with no preconditions and and if I like them, go out" There was this pre-op tranny that was quite pretty and our e-mails were shaping up nicely but after a few conversations HE decided he should let me know he was still pre-op.

Man with all my oblivion points I sure am glad he told me! That could a been AWKWARD to find out out in the heat of passion, "Oh you are so beautiful, ooooo lets just slide this down... Hey, HEY, HEY! What is that thing doing here!" Sorry, dude, I do have a firm "only one penis at the party rule" :)


Crazymamaof6 said...

Omg! COL! That is crazymama for oh my gosh I just called out loud. Which I think you know me well enough by now to understand me but just in case...

Holy shiz I cackled full on in the dentist waiting room about the control your daughter comment.

And the tranny portion reminded me of hangover 2. Hilarious . You should see it.

Good luck with the online dating. Maybe you should limit your actual dates to anyone above 30. So you can avoid the control your daughter comments or slow down on the alcohol. Geeze.

Crazymamaof6 said...

Cackled. I freaking cackled out loud. Not called. It should be called a dumb phone. Stupid auto correct on my smart phone.

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

@crazyMamma! A good old COL! AWESOME, I been swinging away so I'm glad to get a hit again!

I feel ya on the auto correct! Boy do I feel ya!

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

@crazymama - Oh I should add I WILL NOT place limits on who I date (well other than the uterus thing...) You never know where in this crazy world you will find happiness and I will be damned if I will start rejecting people based on certain numerical criteria.

I will not repeat the mistakes of unhappy people.

I prefer to find unique new ways to screw up! :)

tammy said...

I get scared at the thought of ever having to date again. Even with blogging, some women I really get along with on their blog and with emails, but meeting them in person has totally made me not like them.

Lap Band Gal said...

Too funny! :) I recently signed up with and boy is it difficult to find a decent guy out there. Thanks for your kind words on my blog today. You always know how to boost a girl's ego.

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

@Tammy - yeah, it is hard and "firsts" are incredibly stressful! (First date, first kiss, first, well you know)

@lapbandgal - Oh you want a decent guy? See, just too picky! :)