Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Tall Tales

I have ALWAYS loved telling stories!

That is why my friends encouraged me to start blogging... so they would not have to actually listen to my stories anymore!

Switching to written story telling from oral you loose a lot of the tools of good story telling, tone of voice, body language maybe even some accents thrown in here and there.

Friday night I had a chance to get all oral again and it was GREAT.

A buddy of mine wants to go to this party but I don't know anyone there. As a nerd I HATE going to a party period but to a party where I don't know anyone? Oh the horror! 

(Also bear in mind from my last post that I wrenched my knee pushing a boat and am using a cane for 10 days. )

So we walked into the front room and right off there is a weird situation, there were 3 people comparing scars, and one of them was a pretty hot blond. I have seen guys doing "scar competitions" before but outside of the movie lethal weapon 4(?) I have never seen women play the game. But here it was in living color!

So I said Ooooo- can I play?


So I lifted my shirt and showed them my stomach surgery scars, I was wearing shorts and I have a nice double scar above my knee where the propeller of a radio control plane got me and then I have several good misc hand scars from farming and mechanizing.

Now I am telling YOU where the scars came but that is not what I told them.... for them I just pointed them all out. The Surgery scars are the best of course but the others made nice "accessories"

So they asked where did you get all those scars...

Well during the first Persian gulf war I had to eject from my crippled F-15 fighter deep over enemy territory!

"Oh man! What happened to you!?"

Well there I was deep over Saddam's stronghold, flying high cover on a moonless night, moving nearly as fast as a bullet 10 miles above the earth. At that altitude on a moonless night the stars looked like diamonds scattered on black velvet. So crisp, so close, you can easily convince yourself you have in fact left the planet and are in space. It was gorgeous! It was so ironic to experience such beauty deep in a war zone!

Suddenly my reverie was shattered by a flashing master caution alarm!

With no warning at all a fan belt had broken! You want to talk about fear! Fear that grabs you deep in your gut and won't let go!

Still, I tried to salvage the situation but when the fan belt on #1 broke apparently it flew off into #2 engine and took out its fan belt too. I was hosed! I had no hydraulics! (Power steering) You simply can not fly an F-15 without hydraulics! I had no choice but to eject!

It was during the ejection sequence when I snagged jagged pieces of the canopy and got the belly and leg scars I showed you.

More people are gathering around now, it's getting quiet at this party.

So I went on about how hard it is while drifting down in your parachute to judge when you going to contact the ground in the dark dessert and I misjudged the landing and to this day I have this cane to remind me of it.

I managed to evade capture for a few days but they finally got me. The scars on my hands are from the interrogations...

Finally one guy, challenged me, "What? Those scars are not from torture!"

With a grin I said, "Dude! You mean you bought the fan belts breaking but you are NOT buying the interrogation scars?"

People are looking a each other and the blond with her own scars asked me if any part of this story is true?

With my grin growing wider I answered "Helllllll no! But its a good story huh?"

Every one laughed and suddenly I was not at a party of strangers anymore.


Krissy said...

Ha! I love that. At least you made some friends, and I know I am always drawn to people with a sense of humor. Glad I stumbled onto your blog.


Cheeseboy said...

That is some impressive storytelling, to be sure. Had you been on the case, I have a feeling Sadam would not have lasted nearly as long as he did.

Dizzy Ms. Lizzy said...

LOL!! I would have LOVED to see their faces!

The Onion said...

Dude, you are WRONG. But...I kinda like ya. Thanks for the blog love over at the Layers. Come back soon. :-)

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

@Krissy - I am generally pretty good at making friends when I am not petrified.

@Cheesboy - I told Saddam not to hide in *that* hole but he just would not listen! :)

@DML - Good to "see" you again!

@the Layerd one... I think that may be the best compliment I have recieved in years {snif} Thank you.

The Girl Next Door said...

you are my brother from another mother. So Love Doing This.

At my ex's 20th reunion (before he was Ex) I pretended to be a classmate. I knew enough of his high school friends to get intel on some poor schlep (who I had heard of in my profession and knew was a jerk personally and professionally not that this excuses my behavior...) anyway. I sobbed to him (shorter than me and I am SHORT) how I was in love with him in high school and why didn't he take me to the prom. Etc etc. It was hilarious. Eventually he figured out who I really was. And laughed right along with us.

tammy said...


I love telling stories. Especially to my kids. They'll believe just about anything.

Anonymous said...

any good fighter pilot will tell you it's not so much the story as the delivery that counts; and if a fighter pilot tells it, the truth be damned anyway. well done ! :-)


NerdyRedneck Rob said...

@Je - Since I know you are REAL fighter pilot Jim I take that as high praise! High praise indeed!

Thank you sir!

Dave C said...

Hey Redneck,

Sorry I haven’t dropped in. I have been programming in Delphi and busier than a one armed paperhanger with crabs and that isn’t a lot of fun. Great story! I think breaking a fan belt on the F15 would not be as scary as loosing a fan blade into the compressor on a C182. Dang! Now that’s scary.

Best regards,


NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Oh man! I thought they had an AD on those 182 Compressor blades? :)

Programming in Delphi huh? Never seen it but I use PL/SQL all the time and I have read that PL/SQL is a direct descendant of Delphi.