Tuesday, October 19, 2010


How things change depending on the view point!

When I was oh so young I was already hooked on science fiction thanks to the master story teller Robert A. Heinlien. Then along comes this crazy movie called Star Wars. It was about a farm boy who wanted more than anything to be a fighter pilot.

As far as I was concerned the movie was about me. I never understood how Lucas had me to a "T" when as far as I new we had never met yet he made a movie about me. :)

Needless to say my love affair was deep! I read the book 27 times (I put a mark on the back fly page each time I finished it.) When the movie FINALLY got to a smaller theater near me I literally spent the whole Saturday there. I hid in the bathroom between each showing and watched it 4, 5 (???) times back to back. It was the greatest thing EVER.

Then I met each addition to the Star Wars legacy with great excitement.

25 years later my perspective seems to have shifted. Recently I saw all 6 movies back to back. This is something no fan should ever do I guess. As I OD'd on Star Wars I began to notice things that my love blinders had previously filtered out. I have compiled a list of all the annoying sometimes nonsensical things I noticed (and can still remember!) as I watched all the movies back to back. Its a list that makes me sad. It's like realizing your life long best friend steals from orphans for a living or something. :(

NOTE: Phantom Menace = first movie here and the Original "Star Wars" is the 4th movie

1. It hurts but it must be said! Luke was a whinny little bitch. (My hero! NooooOOOoooOOo!)

2. As was his father before he got evil.

3. As is the stupid golden robot, C3PO!

4. Speaking of which- I want to meet the shitty programmer who created a protocol droid that was soooooo annoying! How is a machine that pisses off everything around it going to be an effective diplomat!?

In that mighty future could they not just download a better personality for the whiney bitch robot?

5. How is that C3PO, being so damned annoying was not killed several times over? I would have killed it pretty quick myself!

6. Then to top it off why in the hell would anyone reassemble the sumbish after he was blown apart!? I mean a party celebrating not having to listen to him would have been more in order than rebuilding him. I mean seriously!?

7. The Empire might not have fallen had they had at least ONE competent storm trooper in the last three movies. I mean in those last three movies storm troopers fired thousands of shots and they had one and ONLY one hit when they blew C3PO apart. In fact, in cloud city Chewbacca is running down a hall with an annoying droid strapped to his back and the storm trooper is behind him and MISSED! WTF! How can you miss an 8 foot wookie IN A HALLWAY when you are shooting him in the back!? GAAAH!

8. Ok you are a bounty hunter. You have Han Solo pinned against a wall. You let him keep his hand beneath the table? WTF? Was "Greedo" alien for Forest Gump? Maybe Rainman?

9. Remember in the original Star Wars movie, Darth Vader is a flunky taking flak off admirals and running errands for Grand Moff Tarkin? Hey this dude was #2 only to the emperor, how'd he get to be Tarkin's bitch? If I am evil, Tarkin is toast the minute the emporor says he is my boss. (Uh, sorry my master, apparently he choked on his steak! Such a tragedy! Heimlich? Who the hell is Heimlich?)

10. Vader tortured Leia in the 4th movie to extract military info from her and we are all mature enough to know that kind of torture always involves sexual things. Ewwwww! He did "things" to his own daughter!!! Ewwwwww!

11. Anakin had dreams of his wife dying so he slaughtered an entire school full of children? Not even something like a remote bombing but face to face? So unbelievable! I had an aunt who raised me like a mother and I love her like no one else. I would still never slaughter children to save her from the cancer that took her nor would she have ever wanted me to. That jump was just too great! No way! It's like Lucas suddenly went, "welp its been 2 3/4 movies so far I guess I'd better get around to making him evil now?" "Abracadabra! Your evil!" Ugh.

12. In cloud City when Luke attempts suicide- so what the hell is the deal with big super fun slides at the bottoms of huge air shafts? Then it has a drain to the outside? I mean that thing sure is reminiscent of a spit valve on a trombone.

13. OK, who the hell mounts a TV antenna right under the spit valve. I mean WTH man?

14. Obi-wan Kenobi and R2-D2 Adventure together in the first three movies spanning about 15 years? But in the forth movie, roughly 18 years later R2-D2 finds Obi-Wan on Tattoine and neither one recognizes the other?

15. Do Robots Age? RD-D2 could freaking FLY in the second and third movies, why not in The last three? Arthritis acting up? Perhaps mineral deficiencies! (AR!)

16. Did you ever count up the number of times the robots were totally abandoned but then seemed to show up later? DID they have credit cards so they could catch mass transit home or what?

17. The absolute slap in the face to every sci-fi fan in existence, in the third movie when the big damaged battle cruiser turns nose "down" towards the planet and every one slides down the deck. Then they "level" the ship out and everyone stops sliding! THERE IS NO LEVEL IN SPACE! Oh dear lord! PUH-lease! What next, is the cook gonna fall off the fan tail and hit the propeller? Don't imitate the movie Titanic with a space ship for gods sake! (unless your "Futurama". That was a good episode!)

If I ever get the chance someone is getting soooo bitch slapped for that one!

18. Darth Vader was clearly a man (not that there was any doubt) because he got his "costume" when his kids were born and by the time they were adult he had not changed his 'look' a bit. Only a man keeps a hairstyle for 20 years let alone his entire wardrobe!

19. Jar Jar. Nuff said.


Anonymous said...

#6 - C3PO was reassembled, I believe because, as you will remember, Chewy was going through a rough time. He had just lost his leg to hump because Han Solo was frozen in Carbonite.

#7 - I believe the cloners messed up the clone DNA. They got the loyalty gene but missed on the accuracy gene.

#14 - R2D2 had long since voided his warranty.

#15 - Hey, dogs can find their way home.

Erika said...

I'm gonna buy you an R2D2 (http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102962936) and if that doesn't do it, I'll get you C3P0 and a bat (c; And here's me thinking you were laid up or something all weekend!