Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas hi-jinks

This post was inspired by the awesome video on Robin’s page: Abfab Geek

After I was already working on this post I got a related video in the old e-mail...

OK, to the story - two things about me, I am stubborn as can be and I am playful and love practical jokes.

So my two traits combined one Christmas...

One time way back when the cable company TOTALLY pissed me off. I VOWED I would never have cable again. Folks, I take these kinds of VOWS pretty seriously! :) In Dallas it’s not too hard to avoid cable as there are about 15 on air channels available. As long as Star Trek was on I was happy.

So about 10 years ago as my income was coming up and things are getting good for us financially I asked the wife what would she like for Christmas. She got a very serious look on her face- then looked me dead in the eye and she says in a dead pan voice, “I only want one thing and I want it really badly- I want cable TV again.”
Oh no! “But honey you know I swore an oath of vengeance against them! NEVER!, Vendetta baby vendetta!. C’mon, what else would you like?”
“Cable TV”
“Oh darling you are killing me! Surely there is SOMETHING anything you would like more- How about a diamond?”
“End this, this Sicilian thing and get me cable!”

Oh I was so deeply conflicted. My wife wanted cable and she deserved cable so I should get her cable. Yet getting her cable would violate my sacred and inner principles- To ever write a check to cable for TV again would cleave my spirit in twain! Such a choice, it really came down to my wife’s happiness or my happiness. So I was going to get her cable but I was miserable about it.

Then inspiration from, one can only assume, God struck in the form of a television commercial! Mini-dish satellite! Dish Network! Now 10 years ago this was still pretty new technology and pretty pricey but I knew what the wife really wanted was the programming and did not care about the delivery method and if I got Dish Network my sacred vows would remain intact! Oh yes, nerdy redneck problem solving at its best!

In fact the mini-satellite is WAY better than cable for TV- 4 or 5 times as many channels for less money plus I was full digital TV 10 years ago via mini-dish! So I bought a Dish and a couple of receivers.

Here is where the hi-jinks comes in though. I did not want her to know she had gotten it. So I bought a floor waxer and a new iron for her, wrapped them and put them under the tree a week in advance so she could wonder what they were.

I was building a plane out in the garage back then so blending in the satellite equipment with all the plane pieces was a no brainer and my secret was safe. So at like 3:00 AM Christmas morning I went out to the garage and got the satellite dish and hid it behind the Christmas tree!

So next morning we are opening presents. She gets the iron open and I can see the disappointment on her face but she quickly recovers and says, “Ohhh, how did you know I needed a new iron?”
“Oh darling, I am so in touch with your needs I could tell you were unhappy with the old iron.” Oh I was so proud of that line! :)
“Hmmmmm, well that’s sweet.”, she said through only mildly clenched lips- but the BIG box still awaited her so she was not too pouty yet - what could be in such a large box!?
When she saw the floor waxer I saw the flash of anger but I was very proud at what a good job she did pretending she REALLY liked it. Now her lips were only loosely clenched but you had to be WAY more out of touch with people than I am to not feel the vibes she was radiating. She was NOT a happy women.

Man I was working so hard to not smile or let on and just kept playing the oblivious male role until she finally said, “Well, I guess we better clean this mess up.”
“Well, we don’t have all the presents opened yet, we should clean up after all the presents are open.”
“What? There are no more?”
“Are you sure? You better look under the tree better!
She knew me well enough that at that point she know there was something good coming! So she gets on hands and knees and starts really looking- when she spots the dish through the foliage she made a happy squeal!

Have you ever seen a woman dance around the front room with a satellite dish before? I have!

So I think in the end she was glad she did not hit me with the iron or the floor waxer after all!

Note to men, an iron was poor choice as a gag gift because had she hit me with it it could have been serious. I would recommend a feather duster as a better gag gift (We really did need a new iron though)


Melissa said...

Awe, in a warpped kind of backward way that is such a sweet story.

Of course, this is coming from someone who told their hubby if he didn't buy me a Tiffany's bracelet this year I would break his arm...;)

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Well you are in Chicago and this is pretty much how things work there right? ;)