Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Holiday Nutrition Advice

The following holiday eating tips are provided as a public service from Nerdyredneck Inc.:

For maximum holiday joy please be sure to follow label directions carefully!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately as you are clearly dealing with an amauter! Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. Besides- the nog crop failed this year so eggnog is in very short supply. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-oholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whipping cream. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hell-lOOoo?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like say, frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean seriously, have some standards!

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "To enjoy the full flavor of life one must take big bites. Moderation is for monks." - Robert Heinlein

Merry Christmas everyone!



tammy said...

Words to live by!

Hope you have a very Merry Christmas too!

Erika said...

Did you just compare something to shoe shopping? WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH NERDY!!! (c: Happy Christmas!

Stephanie said...

Okay but if the carrot sticks have ranch dressing near them I think it's okay. If they are just by themselves, then no go. But ranch dressing....come on you need something to scoop the ranch with.

Merry Christmas!

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Tammy- Merry Christmas to you as well!

Erika- Ya caught me! I just could not come up with a better metaphor plus I always try to write to my audience! :) ;)

Stephanie- "Uhhhh judges we need a ruling on carrots as ranch scoops...." BZZZZZZZZZ The Judges say it is a sound concept but Ranch dressing is to healthy to qualify! Thanks for playing though! :)

Crazymamaof6 said...

hilarious! love that! hope you had a delightful christmas!

Callsign Echo said...

Well, I freaking LOVE that you quoted Robert Heinlein; it doesn't even matter for what. It wouldn't even have to make sense, contextually, I'd still give you rave reviews just for having RAH in your content.

You rule, Rob. Geek power.

Anonymous said...


NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Crazy Momma- Well my next post details my Christmas day but overall it has been a good time. Hope you and yours did too!

Callsign Echo- Oh I bow humbly before you that you even recognize the name! From what I know of you though I should have assumed you were a fan or would be if you had read him. (then again for some odd reason I can’t understand some women tag him as a misogynist and despise him which I can not grok) You don’t have any e-mail links but I have long wanted to trade e-mails regarding your favorite books list on your profile. We have more in common than a love of flying! :)

Kristin- Glad you enjoyed and thanks for saying hi! :)