Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Teacher was right!

Jules triggered this memory so gotta give her credit… One time I was flying my plane from New Orleans to Dallas. As usual, I went to the restroom right before take-off which is usually good for at least three hours which is about how far it was so I should have been good to go. For some reason though today I had to go again before I even got out of New Orleans airspace.

Being a man though there was no way in hell I am turning back so I’ll just have to tough it out! By the time I was half way to Dallas though it was bad! I really had to go! I mean we are way beyond the pee-pee dance stage at this point, now it hurts! I need to break the man code and land so I can pee!

Ever look at a map half way between Dallas and New Orleans? Know what is there? NOTHING! There was nowhere to land and I had to GO!

In desperation, I was looking around the cockpit for something to go in. The only thing there was a nearly full bottle of Windex.

To use it though I had to dump the Windex out first, so I cracked the window and started pouring it out the window.
Well, at 160 mph things tend to splash back and it was getting all over the back seats and side panel. So I stopped when about half the bottle was gone figuring that would be enough room and to stop the carnage to my pretty back seats!

Here was challenge #1. Ever try to pee setting down in regular chair? I never had and I figured out real quick that was not going to work! Especially with a half full bottle of Windex! So I set the autopilot and slid the seat all the way back then knelt in front of my seat. Ok, the geometry is better now!

Challenge #2. The neck of the Windex bottle was too small! I did not want my plane to smell like an old folks home or New York City so I was worried about my aim! However, the engineer in me figured out that if I just pressed against the bottle opening that made sure it went in and made a seal against any splash back plus any bumps in the air would not throw off my aim!

I started to let go and thank God because it was hurting pretty bad at this point!

Challenge #3. By pressing against the neck of the bottle I did make a good seal and there was no chance to miss but on the other hand I was making a good seal. I was inflating the bottle! The sides were bulging out! Before long pressure equalized and the flow stopped. Uh oh! With a little trial and error I discovered I could ease up on how hard I was pressing against the neck of the bottle then air could escape! Things started flowing again! Whew!

Oh finally! The pain was starting to ease off! This was working!

Then Challenge #4 reared its ugly head. That bottle was filling up FAST. Turns out that my bladder is bigger than half a Windex bottle after all. After all of that effort I had to pinch it off just as that bottle was getting full!

That was difficult to do! In fact it may well have been the greatest act of self-control I have ever exhibited. Things were feeling goooooood and I did not want to stop! Only thoughts of a “New Yorkey” airplane were enough to get me to stop! It hurt when I stopped too, it was like my bladder was saying, “Dude!? WTF? Why did you do THAT for? Oh yeah, well just for that I think I will STAB you! Take THAT!”

I screwed the lid back on the full again Windex bottle thinking that maybe I had let enough go that now I could make it home now. Turns out I had.

After I landed and got out of the rest room I was throwing my bottle of “Windex” away. Apparently I caught another pilots eye because as I chunked the bottle in the trash he remarked, “Green Windex? When did they start making Green Windex?

I had not really thought about it until then since I had had pressing issues on my mind until then but my kindergarten teacher was right, yellow and blue do indeed make green! I had a bottle of Green “Windex” so I told the guy it was a test product and I did not like it so I was chunking it.

He grabbed it out of the trashcan and said he would give it a try. I was too bashful and embarrassed to say what it really was so I let him.

KIDDING! I am not that bashful!


Stephanie said...

I was going to say, you better have let that poor guy know what was in the bottle before he sprayed it all over his windows.

Melek said...

hahahah...oh man, that would have been AWESOME! you totally should have let him use it...like on his living room windows, his kitchen stainless...hahahah... "honey, i dont think i like the fragrance of the green Windex" :)

Robin said...

Mythbusters did a show on urine as a stain remover. It might leave your windows remarkably streak free.

SuperCoolMom said...

That is hysterical. I'm rolling here!!! One time when I was around 12 working at my Dad's office I had to go that bad, I couldn't leave to go to the office complex restroom, so I used a big gulp cup. OVERFLOW! But yeah, felt sooooo much better.

Crazymamaof6 said...

man guys are so Lucky! you can pee anywhere. dang it! i am way jealous!
and way to go "pinching it off" that is some serious self control.

tammy said...

LOL! Reminds me of a similar story involving ditching school, driving up to the snowy mountains at springtime to get some sun in our bikinis, a big gulp cup, a soggy car seat, and one less than thrilled friend. Hopefully you've invested in a "Little John" now.

Oh yeah, and my hubby once had someone try and throw up out the airplane window. That was nice to get thrown back at you!

OHmommy said...

Men are lucky!

I just bought a new 4 in 1 yellow Windex at Target yesteray. Had I read THIS post I might have gone with the traditional blue Windex. LOL.

I will think of you each time I clean my counters.

Sauntering Soul said...

Wow, I know more about your bladder capacity than I ever thought I would.


Tanya said...

Wow that is funny at least you were alone in the plane. (you were alone weren't you?)

I think you're getting a jar for your birthday.

Jules said...

I admire your ability to be resourceful AND to cut it off before you're finished.

Also, it seems you may need to invest in the Stadium Pal, pal.

House of Jules

Rob said...

Stephanie- Almost gotcha huh? :)

Melek- Yeah, they could market it as New York City scented Windex!

Robin- I am a pretty practical guy but I will pass, however, for you uber tree huggers out there, there ya go, the ultimate in recycling!

SuperCoolMom- You overflowed a big gulp! At 12? Whoa! I’m deeply impressed! :)

CrazyMomma- On the control issue it was a near thing! I was thinking it would not be too hard to change the carpet but the thought of it getting down under the floorboards and stinking forever is what bought me a bladder stab!

Tammy- Bikini’s in snow? I’m intrigued. I have been known to beg for bikini pictures! Told ya I am not bashful! :) I see a big gulp trend there in Arizona too!

Hey, does your hubby own (or owned) an SNJ/T-6 at Falcon Field in Mesa? It would be a trip if I had met him.

OhMommy- Yeah, it was nice of God to provide us with an extension cord! It will even self retract like those old vacuum cleaners!

Sauntering- Shoot, Now I wonder if I am man enough to overflow a big gulp! :) Glad you enjoyed!

Tanya- Yeah I was alone and once again you crack me up! A mason jar might be about right! ;)

Jules- Andy did a masterful job of talking me right out of the piddle pack!!

tammy said...

No, he doesn't, but you're right, that would've been a trip! When were you at Falcom Field?

And I like it when men beg....it's a power thing.

Rob said...

Tammy- ‘99 or 2000 I flew out there and bought an (aircraft) engine from an America West pilot (I could not remember what airline last night) He had a T-6 and he sold me the engine to buy a new HSI for the T-6. I LOVED Falcon Field. I plan to retire there. I did buy the engine and I put it in THIS

Andie said...

that is hilarious!

thanks for the great laugh!

Andie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.