Ouch!

This vision of ruin and destruction brought to you courtesy of my boat.

These were transmission gears. A few large expensive parts were converted into many smaller worthless parts in less than a second! I never thought of a transmission in that way before, a sort of a matter converter if you will. :(

{sniff} Yes, I'm feeling quite pouty.

Ah technology!

I finally broke down and bought a fancy smart phone. As a geek I LOVE smart phones but as a redneck I break a lot of things so I tend to shy away from expensive delicate things.

However, I finally reached the critical tipping point where enough people were annoyed at my lack of texting ability that I finally shouted down my inner redneck and bought a phone capable of texting. Never being one to half-ass it as long as I was going to text it was gonna have a real keyboard, I mean none of this hokey press 7 four times for S crap for ME! :)

See it here if you care

So now I can surf the web and play games and all that stuff too. Plus my inner redneck loves how the phone slides two ways. To top it all off this phone is made at least partially out of this mysterious ancient material called met-all. When I was kid they made everything out of this odd substance, lunch boxes, cars, TVs, furniture, almost everything! Nowadays most of that stuff is made with solidified petroleum byproducts.

I like my met-all phone! It's feels quite manly!

And armed with the latest gee-whiz smart phone technology I don't have to wait until I get home and boot up my 'puter to delete my spam. My spam follows me everywhere I go and even politely chimes to get my attention! Ain't technology cool?

twit-ing?

Why are individual posts on twitter called tweets? Wouldn't the singular of twittering be a twit? How is that a tweet?

We will add this to the long list of human behaviors Rob's does not get.

Oh Dear Lord!

Kill me now, I have now seen everything and can go in peace! I just saw a sign advertising "Pet Massage"! In-home pet massage no less! I mean who can be bothered to take their pet to the pet massage studio? Only in-home will do!

Wow! I would really love to meet the loon that actually pays someone else to massage their pets! I'll bet I could really sell them some stuff. Maybe some credit card bingo where they read their credit card numbers to me then I tell them if they won or not. Then followed up by a game of hangman where their mothers maiden name is the secret word.

In-home pet massage!? What's next, doggie hookers? Oh wait, they already do have 'stud service'! Eeep!

Random Weird Observations

Yesterday I was at Wal-mart and I had a weird moment- there was a young man (early 20’s) who was CLEARLY very fit doing his shopping in one of those little electric scooters Wal-Mart provides for the elderly. Even though it was a WTF moment it really made me feel better about myself. I mean I get lazy and procrastinate on housework or yard work or going to the gym and I feel bad about it but WOW, at least I am not too lazy walk when I buy food!

Another Burger King post- seems like every time I go there it’s a weird moment. I got some breakfast there this morning on the way to work. I ordered milk. The drive through person asked if I wanted white milk or chocolate milk? That struck me as weird. Who does NOT say chocolate milk when they want Chocolate milk? Plus “white” milk struck me as an very odd word choice. I don’t think I have ever heard plain milk called white milk before. I mean do they have yellow milk or blue milk? We really need to nail it down that I, in fact, want the white variety of milk?

White milk. So does the fact I don’t care much for chocolate milk make me a racist?

Oh God! Now I know why I love Fruity Pebbles but don’t care much for Cocoa Pebbles! (or Cocoa Puffs). I guess like the all the celebrities I need to check into rehab to deal with my preference for "white" milk.

Wow. The things we learn about ourselves while visiting Burger King.

New Gameshow!

It's America's most exciting new game show! "Count the Illegal Aliens!" In this weeks episode we will count the illegals after a potentially life ending major felony! So go ahead and join the fun America!

The one who comes closest to the actual number of illegals without going over wins! Sounds easy right? So click the button and try your luck!



So how many did you get?

Sleeping on the Plane

This last trip home I actually fell asleep on the plane.

This is a big deal because I often don't sleep well and very rarely can I sleep during the day at all and I just never fall asleep on airplanes.

I was taking the old Southwest home reading my Popular Science en route as usual. My eyes were burning while I was reading so I shut them for a minute and BOOM! The next thing I know it's an hour later and the flight attendant is waking me up asking me to put my seat up for landing.

Wow. That has never happened before so it was very weird.

I felt very refreshed for the rest of the day so that was part was very cool but I am not sure I am ready to start sleeping in public on a regular basis. I mean a little drool on your pillow is not too big a deal but unless you are a baby, having drooly chin in front of 150 people is just not very suave.

How Do You Want It?

An interesting thing about men you may or may not have noticed is we don't change our hairstyle very often. I have had my current 'do' about 15 years now. The biggest change then was I moved the part from the center to the side. {gasp}

So with this in mind every time I get a haircut I am still surprised every single time they ask me, "How do you want it?" Then I have to go through the little litany I have learned a little at a time over the years... "Scissor cut, layered, just over the ears, duck tailed"

My inner sarcamist really wants to roll my eyes and say, "Just like it is now but a little shorter - duh!" but my inner analyst knows this is the most certain way to not get what I have now so I go through the little litany.

Adventures in Fast Food Land.

I went to Burger King today. We were all quite confused.

The girl thought I was a moron and the feeling was mutual for awhile there and it was all just simple miscommunication.

I don’t eat there very often so I don’t know the menu. So I see this “Angry Whopper” thing up on the big board and I have seen the commercials on TV so I know it is a hot and spicy burger.

I LOVE hot and spicy!

Being the petite and gentle thing I am though :) I don’t want a big giant whopper burger though so I ask if they have something smaller in the "angry line up". No, the whopper is all they have angry style. The next cashier down however offers that they can make any sandwich I like “angry style” so it’s not a problem. Cool.

So now I am looking at the menu looking for the little double cheeseburger thing everyone has but it’s always some cutsie name to make it different from the full sized double burger. For example Wendy’s calls their little one a “Double Stack” (how I know that is a blog post all it’s own)

So I am scouring the menu looking for their custie name and I am getting frustrated that I cannot find it and wishing I could just order a double cheeseburger and not have to play the “what did marketing decide to call it this year?” game. I finally asked the girl behind the register “What do you call your double cheeseburger?”

She just looked at me. She may have blinked a few times but she said nothing.

What the heck? The way this game is played is I ask a question in English you give me an answer, preferably in English as well. She is not playing right! After an awkward silence I turned to the other counter girl who had already been so helpful and asked her, “What do you call your double cheeseburger here?”

Without missing a beat she answered, “A double cheeseburger.”

Well f’ing duh! Now I am really feeling pretty stupid.

So why in the heck didn’t the first girl just give me the same answer instead of just staring at me when I asked her what they called their double cheeseburger? Did she think it was a trick question? When was the war of 1812? Who is buried in Grant's Tomb? How many survivors did they bury? Where do roosters lay thier eggs? What?

Perhaps she was like the video store girl? She was terrified of enraging the obvious psycho and was trying to select the answer least likely to throw me into a murderous rage and just chose silence? Then again this time I had taken a shower and everything so I did not look like a psycho. (???)

So I ordered the damned sneakily named double cheeseburger. She asked me if I still wanted it “angry”? Oh yes!

After all of that work though to get that little angry double cheeseburger it was a quite a letdown. It really needed some kick. It was not really angry at all.

At best, it was just annoyed. Perhaps a bit testy?

Somewhere right now there is a blog post about the moron who asked what do they call a double cheesburger.

WTF Moments

Just few pictures from my collection- Things that make you say WTF!?

WTF #1

You have to think this guy is popular with the ladies right?



WTF #2

How come no one else is wearing a Halloween costume?



WTF #3

Isn't amazing how watching a good mom in action just warms your heart?



WTF #4

My only comment here is WTF!?



WTF #5

Do you know why there is a "Doctor" there in the middle of this group? Because he is going to treat their wounds after they get beat up in just a few minutes!




The next few are not really WTF's but they do make me giggle. I Hope you enjoy them too!

Truth in advertising....




Ok, guess what this is? Go ahead guess!




It's a Barbie-q!! Arrr arr arr! ( I crack me up!)

OK, now guess what this is... (click picture to enlarge so you can see it better)



Its a drag race! HA!

And for the closer... assuming this is not photo shopped I just adore the owner who had the cajones to put this up!

Stress Relief

As my long time readers know sometimes my job can get a little stressful. This post is a good example.

So for those occasions when you too are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work well AND it will make you smile. (my favorite combination of things)

Read slowly, and visualize as you go along.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your arms dangling with your hands in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air above you.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under.

Just remember what we call stress actually is; Stress is your civilized mind over riding your bodies perfectly natural need to choke the living crap out of some total jerk who truly deserves it.

That is why this little exercise works so well!

Feeling better yet?

Bad Date Movie!

Yesterday I went to see the movie, “He is just not that into you.”

It was my idea. I saw the trailers and I thought it looked funny so I actually wanted to go see it.

Uhhhh, clearly this is a TOTAL chick flick because this is the most lopsided male-female ratio I have seen in a movie theater audience since I went to see “P.S. I love You” with Erika.

I actually counted- there were three men in the audience including me.

This is not a good date movie. There is quite a bit of tension and awkwardness while male and female dating behaviors are dissected in all their glorious gory details.

Still it was a very funny movie- I laughed quite a bit. Sadly there was one part that just totally sent me into hysterics. I say sadly because apparently no one else thought it was funny. I was the only one laughing (and laughing and laughing). I knew I was alone but I could not stop! Thank goodness for small favors as at least I did not snort! I guess it was a “guy joke” and the other two guys there were smart enough NOT to laugh at the “guy joke” while swimming in a sea of angry estrogen.

Did I mention this is not a good date movie?

Still I laughed AND it was very thought provoking and in my book that is the perfect combination!

Uh oh!

Ok, this one cracked me up!

Since about 99% of my readers are women I hesitate to post this one- however, I just ask that you simply reverse the roles and I think it's just as true and just as funny that way as well. Enjoy! (or at least try to!)

A Modern Parable

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went into the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

Then he announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man then announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again.

Now you have a better understanding of how the Wall Street Bailout Worked! It doesn't get much clearer than this.

This Just In...

Today the supreme court upheld it's long standing ruling that a fetus unable to support itself outside the womb is in fact legally abortable.

Legally abortable fetus John Johnson (shown below) is very upset by this ruling, "Just what in the hell do they mean I am legally abortable?"



Also in todays headlines, urban neighborhood terrorized by ask murderer! Film at 11.