End times?

I checked my e-mail this morning and I did not have a single spam e-mail. There is something very, very wrong here!

Signs and portents people, signs and portents! When something as utterly reliable as getting the notice that the Nigerian government is holding $20,000,000 for me fails then something in the universe is definitely askew! No Viagra offers? No girls that want to date me this Friday? NO SMUT? Scary scary stuff!

My God, I do not even a notice from classmates.com that the pretty popular girl I loved so much in high school but was too afraid to talk too really, really, REALLY wants to contact me NOW if only I were a member? Nothing?

Is the earth spinning off into the sun? Are the four horseman approaching? Were the Mayans off by two years on their calendar? It's the end times people! Prepare!

Hold me, I'm scared!