Monday, November 24, 2008

No Mos!

In a clear violation in all things manly and rednecky I actually went to the mall yesterday.

Mine Gott- where do they hire the carnival hawkers from? You try to walk down the aisle of the mall where all the silly little kiosks are and man you are like fresh meat in the lions den, they all come swarming after you like piranha's sensing a bleeding cow stuck in the mud of the Amazon river! "Are you happy with your cell service?" Are you tired of dry winter skin?" "Is your good furniture scratched up?" "Are you tired of loosing your keys!?" "Do your panties ride up?" Oy vay!

Did I say where did they hire them from? I mean where did they build them at?

They are clearly Terminator hawkers..."Listen, and understand Sarah Connor. That terminator hawker is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are BROKE!"

I mean really, do I look like the kind of person that would spend 70 dollars on a nail care set? So clearly the terminator hawkers programming is off a little and yet she would. Not. Stop! It was incredible!

They prey off of peoples good manners, I mean as long as someone is polite it is hard to tell them to get the hell away from me. But they just wont stop! "Uh, no thank you." "Uh no, I am sure it's a good product but I am not interested." Uh fascinating but I have other things to do." "OK gotta go now!" "DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU!"

I finally shook off the first one after wasting about 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back learning how 70 freaking dollars worth of nail care products CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE! I finally broke away muttering to myself "Man, can you believe THAT shit!" just as the cell phone hawker was in my face!, "Why yes I am happy with my cell service." "No thank you." "I have a contract!" "I am NOT changing carriers!" "I really don't care!" "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"

I am normally a very nice person but by the time the 5th terminator was in my face I said in my best Clint Eastwood sneer and growl, "Step the fuck back!" It worked, so clearly he finished low in terminator class. The irony was he was selling tools and so that was the only product pushed at me all night I might have actually been interested in but by then my all my niceness and interest in ANYTHING anyone came to me with was long gone.

It reminds of that classic scene in the movie "Airplane" where Leslie Nielson has to fight his way through the swarms of begging Hare Krishna's at the airport. I tell ya I was ready to unleash some Kung Fu action myself!

Now I admit I am not a mall person to begin with but that was such a unhappy experience that I will never go into a Mall again. I wonder if Mall management realizes that the little bit of rent they make off those kiosks is hurting their over all business?

Or is it hurting them? How many of you avoid the mall to avoid the terminator hawkers?

It really makes me miss Orange Julius.

Thus ends Rob's bizarre rant of the day.


Callsign Echo said...

AMEN. Check one more item off of my "Aberrant Female Behavior" list: I HATE SHOPPING. I approach the mall like a search-and-rescue mission. Get in, find the sweater/shoes/accessory, and fight your way out if necessary. ROE: lethal force if approached by one of those OBNOXIOUS perfume-spraying cosmetic counter ladies.

The sad thing is, like any red-blooded female, I enjoy the act of finding pretty shiny things that make me look pretty and spending money on it. If only the crazy salespeople would leave me ALONE.

That's why I shop at teenager-y stores: minimum wage isn't enough to motivate an already apathetic teenage salesgirl to penetrate my protective perimeter of "Stay the f*** away from me."

Melissa said...

Then I'm warning you...never fly through Cancun airport...I don't think I've ever been accosted nearly as badly as I was there...sheesh!

Do you want to buy and excursion, pretty lady? ;)

Crazymamaof6 said...

HILARIOUS!step the F back! hee hee

i know how that goes. i've learned to divert my eyes. avoid eye contact at all costs. and they dont' approach you. also saying "Do you take food stamps?" works rad.

the mall doesn't need to be off limits to you. you just have to know how the pro's do it!
although i admit i am no longer the mall rat that i once was.

tammy said...

Even though I am addicted to shopping and get a little high everytime I go, I can't stand the mall. And why do the salespeople bug the hell out of you until you actually need one, and then you can't find anyone to help?

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Callsign Echo- Excellent comment! ROE for the mall! Apathetic teenage sales girls! ROFL!

Melissa- Warning noted! Cancun is off the list! :) Cabo Wabo is more my speed anyway. ;)

CrazyMomma- "Do you take food stamps?" COL! Oh another classic this morning! :)

Tammy- Yes, the irony of it all! Ooo, AND you have inspired a post!

GREAT comments on this one ladies! Thanks!

Andie said...

OMG- the nail people must be EVERYWHERE! they are so annoying and drive me nuts.


NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Hey Andie! So are the nail people really a spreading virus? Should I squirt them with listerine?