I'm Pissed!

Yes again!

You mean to tell me I been parking at the 100 acre box stores and all I had to do was just find one of these green boxes and help myself - FOR FREE!


So, who ever did not send me this memo is in for it! BIG TIME

Redneck Award #2 (The Reddy!)

I humbly bow before this master of redneckdom! Here is a person who obviously has spent a lifetime perfecting the redneck arts! At first I thought it MUST be abandoned but note the contemporary decorations!

Man this guy is GOOD!

You want a twist! This shanty overlooks a very prestigious private golf course! Ya know, the kind of place where regardless of my income I would not be allowed to join. I am not quite as obnoxious as Rodney Dangerfield's character in Caddy Shack but I am striving to improve. I run my obnoxity flash cards and exercises every day! Someday I hope to achieve the masters skill but alas, for now, I am an apprentice

Jihad!

I am pretty agnostic when it comes to religion. Yet from the seemingly oddest of casual conversations my random access brain solved a centuries old religious question. (Humble aint I?) Empiricism is dead in the rest of the world (eg Global warming) but I still respect it immensely. So here is actual proof of a major religions tenet!

It all started on a first date. It seems to be one of those ‘standard’ “getting to know you questions”. Every single woman I have dated will ask, “So what do you like to eat”?

I guess this list of standardized date questions must be one of the things women hold committee and vote on during all those communal bathroom visits.

So the latest women in my life asks what do you like to eat? At the moment for some reason I was craving breakfast sausage so I mentioned it, then like a binary link list I just started down the chain, oh bacon and gosh ham is awesome, pork chops, BBQ pulled pork and pork ribs are to die for…

Then suddenly an epiphany! All my favorite foods are pork based. Then upon further reflection it becomes obvious that clearly the pig is the most delicious animal on the planet. I mean nearly every single cut of this animal simply burtsts with flavor!

Then the double epiphany hits! Oh....MA....GAWD! (Literally!) After centuries of debate and bloody conflict proof positive that God prefers Christians!

Picture ancient Jerusalem where three major religions were based at the same time... Imagine a vengeful God pointing his finger and mocking the poor Jews and Muslims..."

Na na na na na! I created the best tasting animal you will ever know of and YOU can't have any! HAHA HA HAAAAA!!

(This might also explain why the Jews and Muslims are still fighting for centuries now. Porkus envy! Freud was sooooo close!)

Then think of all those religions that require vegetarianism- Christianity is the only religion (that I know of)  that gets to sample all the wonderful delicious foods God created for us guilt free! Well except I was raised Catholic and they make you feel guilt for even breathing! Shoot 30 years latter and those damned nuns still have me so messed up I still can't masturbate without guilt for making baby Jesus cry! Oh, sorry, drifting...

Yep, no more living in denial, Christians are clearly Gods spoilt children that get all the good presents at Christmas while the other kids get crap. You know, just like Christmas itself! :(

Sorry all you other religions! But jump on in, the ham casserole if freaking AWESOME! There is always room for more at the table.

So I have adapted the old bible camp song to reflect the new reality:

Jesus loves me, this I know
because the bible pork chops tell me so!


Oh that old WWII song might have to be revisited too...

Pass the ammo bacon and praise Jesus! (This heathen spell checker keeps suggesting Perseus for Jesus, Perseus really? lol)

So all you Christians out there, show your love, kill  a pig for Jesus today!

Lord Ganesha. 

Oh, as long as I am starting religious foment here let me add that I know from personal experience that jokes about the Hindu God Ganesha having peanut allergies are not freaking funny!

I thought the swelling and contortions made it obvious but every nerd learns sooner or later NEVER analyze some one else's religion. :)

It not just fun- its fecal fun!

Ok, for those who like to pretend that the things all our bodies do are disgusting please turn away now. ....



For those of you still with me I went camping for a few days last month. Which was stupid because it was still nice and sweaty hot out there! It sure looks nice in this photo though eh?!




Best of both worlds. Just kicking back! My Hybrid has a standard electrical outlet and 450 pounds of battery can drive a laptop for a loooong time! :) 

So I got pretty dehydrated out there and my old colon performed flawlessly because it strained every last essence of water from my poo. In fact, as I was trying to eject this brick from my body my internal I-pod pulled up and started playing “Like a rock”

In other words this was what I call an Incredible Hulk shit. You know, you are sitting there gritting your teeth, blood vessels are bulging from head and neck, your arms are on the wall pushing, pushing which starts your shirt to ripping, then you start to turn green from the pushing then this growling moan that hearkens back to more primitive man slips through your grinding teeth and clenched jaw! The neighborhood dogs even start howling in sympathy. Jedi half a galaxy away can feel the rippling in the force!

Then the “plunk!” that means the pain is over – for now

Yep the Incredible Hulk!
And in the pain and release of the male equivalent to child birth creativity sets and I start to laugh out out loud- I just
made up a Joke!

I love jokes but I am not a joke writer. My thing is story telling with hopefully humorous twists but I made up a real life question and answer joke right there on the ceramic throne.

Q. What do muscle cars, sex and bowel movements have in common?

A. The louder they are the better they are!

HA!

Back in the saddle again.

Ahh back at work for the state government again!

I have actually gotten so acclimated to life at state agencies that I get this odd feeling that something is not right with the world if there are no blatant safety/efficiency issues in plain sight.

Look at this shot taken from my desk chair....

Ahhhhhh! I feel so much better now! All is right with the world!

Convenience stores are NOT convenient!

It took me a while to figure this out.

You have one maybe two cashiers covering 20 gas pumps plus the shoppers. So there is always a long ass line and the cashiers are always slow as molasses.

Then there is always at least one idiot who has to think up his lottery numbers on the spot. uh, 1.......uh......uh......12....and uh........ well.....uh 24...  GAH! 

So no more "convienence" stores for me. No more living the lie!

Laundry

Over at The Layers The Onion wrote "You have to pay attention to laundry."

What? You have to pay attention to laundry? Really? Why didn't I get this memo?

See I usually throw a load in the washer then a few days later when I have no clean undies left I will start sorting the dirty clothes to wash and then I will go "What? No clean undies in the drawer, and only a few dirty ones in the hamper? Where in the hell are all my undies? Have my prayers been answered and I finally have a stalker stealing my undies?

Then Erica (seemingly having minor psychic powers) will say, "Hey Rob, your clothes have been in the washer for a week, mind getting them out so I can do a load?

OH! So there are all my undies! Awwww, another dream of being stalked dies on the vine!

Ah, a day in the nerdy life

The Date From Hell

As I mentioned earlier I used Internet dating sites for a while.

One of my many astute observations in life (IMHO) is that if you meet someone lonely it is self imposed. Generally via a bunch of preconditions. "Well the person I date can't do X and they can't have Y and they  SHOULD have Z and they have to be between C and D and blah blah blah blah. Show me a lonely person and I'll show you at least two people interested in them that they have ruled out for some (usually odd) reason. Then it's "I can't understand why I'm sooooo alone...."

I can.

So I have refused to allow myself to go down that road. I am willing to talk to anyone with no preconditions and and if I like them, go out. The fact that we find each other interesting is the *only* thing that matters to me. I kinda follow Clint Eastwood's philosophy in Heartbreak Ridge, "You can rob me, you can starve me...and you can beat me and you can kill me. Just don't bore me." :)


(On an interesting side, note I would much prefer to date non smokers but for some odd reason every single woman I have dated has been a smoker! My hypothesis is that I only appeal to women with self destructive tendencies. :)  )

So, on to the meat of the story. I met "Amy" on an Internet dating site. She is a college senior finishing up her nursing degree. I married as a teen but I was married for 25 years(!). So I was married longer than this women has been alive. OBVIOUSLY we have an age gap. However, she is a sci-fi fan and we love many of the same books and we exchanged MANY e-mails and had MANY delightful conversations. Even though we were both wary about the age difference we both agree that we have something and we should meet.

So I set up a date at The Outback on a Friday night. (For good or bad I consider this the perfect first date spot, it's mid range enough you'll not get tagged as a "cheapskate", yet not so pretentious that someone is uncomfortable being there! Plus hey, they have good food!)

So I met Amy there and it started wrong right away. She was speaking "urban", "Sheet Dawg, what be yo shizzle gansta mo fo?" (Sorry, I don't have an urban to American dictionary so I am not sure if that makes sense or not) I was a bit alarmed but we had so MANY good e-mails I was not ready to run yet. I figured she was just nervous and this was a "phase"

So we ordered a couple of drinks while we waited on our food. Being Friday night they were jam packed so we waited a bit and we had a couple more drinks. Alas, her "phase" shows no sign of relenting. After 3 margaritas she is getting loud AND slipping deeper into "urban" AND adding some loud profanity to boot! Oy vey!

As a nerd,  oblivion to social signals is part of my make up. However,  even with my +7 Oblivion stylus and my +22 Oblivion Droid smart phone,  I can still pick up on the turned heads and the occasional glares. I am trying to quiet her down but apparently my urban is not good enough to effectively communicate with her.

The embarrassment on my part is already reaching epic proportions when the manager came over and said to ME, "Sir, if you can't control your daughter we are going to have to ask you to leave."

OH dear Lord. Date.From.Hell!




PS I caught myself in a lie.. " I said " I am willing to talk to anyone with no preconditions and and if I like them, go out." That should read  "I am willing to talk to any woman with no preconditions and and if I like them, go out" There was this pre-op tranny that was quite pretty and our e-mails were shaping up nicely but after a few conversations HE decided he should let me know he was still pre-op.

Man with all my oblivion points I sure am glad he told me! That could a been AWKWARD to find out out in the heat of passion, "Oh you are so beautiful, ooooo lets just slide this down... Hey, HEY, HEY! What is that thing doing here!" Sorry, dude, I do have a firm "only one penis at the party rule" :)

Can you smell it?

The smell of genuine Redneck Brand Testosterone hanging thick and heavy in the humid heat of central Illinois?

Are you sure? It's pretty potent.

I remember when I was a kid, bicycles were pretty manly. I mean there was nothing misogynistic about it but they used to sell bicycles guys would like AND they sold bicycles that girls would like.Completely unlike the androgynous bicycle wasteland we live in now. Back then girls would put their stuffed animals in the wicker basket and boys would build ramps and jump over things and break bones like boys are supposed to do.

Look at this marvel of manliness from my childhood...

Oh Yeah, that is the shit buddy!

Note the springer front end, the seat mounted on shock absorbers, the big phallic gear shift. Note the manly  DRUM brake on the front wheel! No little sissy ass pencil erasers squeezing your wheel rim, no we actually had brakes back then! (I realize modern riders probably don't believe me but back in the day we ROUTINELY laid skid marks with our brakes that actually worked! No! Really!)

Then something happened and bicycles started to get all sissy like. In my opinion it started off with forcing kids to wear pads to ride their bikes. OH no! My precious baby-darling might get a scrape. OH the mental anguish of it all. {geesh!}

Then god forbid, men, already feminised with pads in their formative years, started wearing spandex pants and Styrofoam helmets. (spandex is like bikini bottoms, Totally awesome on the lovely sex, traumatizing to children of all ages on males!)

Manly bike helmet is an oxymoron. Then add spandex pants and you are talking a prison inmates dream date now!

Sorry I drifted, we were talking about testosterone right? Aha, here is the source of that lovely aroma!



Man Bike - Who needs testosterone supplements? Here ya go, pure Redneck Brand Testosterone. It's the hairiest!

MMMMMMMmmmmm good! Oh now THAT is a manly man's bike! Yeah baby! If you click the picture and zoom in its clear this is a home made job. Note the strategic use of electrical tape holding the coil to the frame and keeping the loose wires out of the way.

Looking at this picture just makes me feel good to live in a world where not EVERYONE has been feminized yet. There are still one or two free range men men scrabbling about. Thank God.

This is my kind of creative redneck folks.... and I'll betcha a dollar he does not wear knee pads!

Going Old School (Owd Skoo!)

DOS
C:\DOS> cd \emotions\hopes\romance
C:\emotions\hopes\romance> del *.*

Unix
$> cd /emotions/hopes/romance
$> rm *

Windows or Mac
Where is that clicky thingy to throw folders into my trash can thingy?"

Empathy, Pro and Con

Quick ones today - Been staying busy! (YA! :)  )

My empathy thing again!

Ya just gotta feel bad for this guy. First he was a Chess Pawn. I mean it is the lowest rank in the game but at least being a Chess player gave him a touch a class. (Kinda like being a soccer style kicker in the NFL! )

Then they turned him into an ash tray. A freaking. ash. tray. Oh the degradation of it all.

The second hand smoke has him sick and terminal. Look at him all slumped over now. Between the cancer and the humiliation he can't even stand upright anymore. So, so sad!

Yet he is still on the job. Ya gotta respect that even if you feel horrible for how his life has just plummeted down hill!

But here is some happy empathy! (for a change)

I love the show Man Vs. Food on the Travel Channel. I like how he travels to cities large and small and does not just do the same old big cities all the time. Heck, he has even done TWO episodes here in Springpatch Illinois! He "takes" you to eateries the local people like as opposed to just the food critics.

Then for the last part of the show he takes on a big  food challage of some sort. It's a fun show!

Here is the empathy tie in though... But the best thing about "Man Vs. Food" is seeing that Fred Savage (from the TV Series "The wonder Years" and the movie "The Princess Bride") is still working and did not share the curse of so many child actors! !

I command thee!

Ok, I hesitate to tell this story. *I* think it is hilarious but it may come off a tad perverted. (I can already hear CrazyMamma "Tad? TAD?)

However, the highest compliment I have ever been paid on this site was by former reader Taj and Jules from House of Jules. They once debated in my comments whether I was perverted perfectly or perfectly perverted. Awwww, isn't that sweet? :)

But here it goes I am going to let this one out of the bag.

I was once on this dating site that when you sent e-mail you could look in your sent folder and see the status of it in the recipients inbox., unread, read and kept, deleted.

So I saw the profile of a very attractive women and her profile said she was a sub and looking for a dom. I was married for a looooooong time so I actually had to google these terms and go "Ohhhhhhh!" I usually Tailor an e-mail to the profile (to show I actually cared enough to READ it not just e-mailing to pretty photo's.)


 However, I'm not just not a Dom type guy, I actually *like* women and want a partner not a slave, so I went ahead and wrote my usual kind of letter. It was deleted almost immediately. I pondered that for a bit and an evil idea crept into my head.  
 
I wrote the following e-mail to her the next day (paraphrased from memory. )
 
Do as I tell you! Do not hesitate!
Right now get your camera.
Find a mirror.
Take your top off.
Take a picture of your breasts.
Send me the picture.
NOW!
 
DO NOT MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN!
 
She did not send me a picture of her boobs BUT SHE DID NOT DELTE THE LETTER! It was flagged "read and kept" until her account was off lined!
 
Now I thought that was hilarious! It was backwards world. The letter that SHOULD have been deleted was kept! (we can debate if my sweet letter should have been kept or not. Lots of women read my letter, look at my photo/profile and delete. say la vie) but without a doubt a "SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS"  letter should be junked immediately!
 
Of course if you disagree, by all means feel free to send me a pic or two! :) As Ron White says, "Once you've seen one set of boobs, you know you want to see the rest of them"

(speaking of Taj, she would prolly be the one emailing me commanding me to send her a pics of my chest!)!

PS! It just NOW occurs to me years too late that if I had sent that sub girl another e-mail getting more bossy and threatening punishment I probably would have gotten a picture not too mention a date! ROFL!)

((God as long as we are on stories labeled Internet dating hell, remind me to tell you all about the nursing student! Oy Vey!))

Nerdy Movies that Transend Nerdom

Since it is a holiday weekend you might have some downtime so here are some ideas!

I have tried to make a list of really good nerd movies that no one has seen. If you have not seen the following movies you really really should. Yes, they are nerd movies on the surface so most 'danes blow them off and miss a really good show for it. However, they are soooo good you will be glad you did see them!

Bicentennial Man.  - Based on an Issac Asimov story. Asimov is considered one of the three grand deans of Science Fiction.

This is one of the best sci-fi movies ever made though there is very little "sci-fi" in it. Only something on the order of 12 people have ever seen it! Nine of them I held at gunpoint and forced them to watch until they were hooked on their own! (Average time required to put down fire arm; 12-18 minutes ;)  )

Robert Heinlein (another of the three grand deans) said that good Sci-fi is always about the people, the characters. Oh certainly people who are impacted in some way by the technology in their life but it's still about the people. This movie totally NAILS that concept. Even if some of them are not even technically people! :)

After you see this movie you WILL thank me for it. Ignore the rest of this post if you like, you MUST see this movie! Don't make me get my gun! :)

Please come back and comment after you see it. I really want to know what you thought.

October Sky - The true story of how the launch of Sputnik affected the lives of a group of high school kids in a poor mining town. It is one of the best movies you have never seen. Laura Dern's character is truly special and it may be the only Jake Gyllenhaal movie made where he does not make you feel vaguely uncomfortable. :)


I.Q. - Meg Ryan, Tim Robbins, Walter Mathou. That really should be enough for you to want to see it. BUT OH MAH DEAR GAWD! MEG RYAN AS A HUUUUUGE MATH NERD. Oh my heart! I could actually feel it melting and running down into my legs. Well maybe that was the popcorn butter but STILL! Wow!

Then other than his incredible good looks and the fact that I was an aircraft mechanic instead of auto, Tim Robbins character was written after me. Yup! (even if the writers did not know it!)

Real Genius - A very young Val Kilmer (Pre- Top Gun) stars in this flick about child geniuses in college. Not a serious flick by any means but it's a lot of good goofy nerdy fun. If you knew any nerds in college the "life in the dorms" parts of the film are pretty damned funny!

Nerd Guy - "I can't pee while your watching me"
Nerd Gal  - "That's weird. Why not"

It's a solid 9 on the nerd-o-meter!

Galaxy Quest Hmmmmm, I debate; I'm not sure if its obscure enough for this list. Among nerdom it is well known (unlike the most of the others listed here) but I am not sure how well known outside of nerddom! Either way, you can't go wrong in seeing it. Alan Rickman finally shook off the Klaus typecasting in this film freeing him up for "Marvin" (next review) and ultimately Snape.

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - Ah, originally written by one of the writers for "Monty Python's Flying Circus" (Douglas Admas) This is the first comedy sci-fi I know of. And its pretty darned good comedy too...

"I decided long ago I would rather be happy than rich."
"So, are you happy?"
"Well...Now, that is where the plan falls down now isn't it?"

Alan Rickman as the voice of Marvin the depressed robot is pure art!

"Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take you to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, 'cause I don't."

Marvin: I've been talking to the ship's computer.
Arthur: And?
Marvin: (Dripping with venom) It hates me.

Ok, to finish this lame post up - invest a measly 3 minutes of your life in this old animated song. The graphics were high tech at one time! I adore the campiness though and parts of the tune have just a bit of the old brain worm effect going. This may be the only rap song I have ever liked (even though the Yoda segment is the only really "rappy" part)

I know, you are hesitating now! Show some trust! You'll like it, I promise! It's only 3 minutes! what do you have to loose,



Darth Vader "Churning the butter!" Really? Does life get any better than that?

("Owwwww, why'd you slice off my hand?!")
Your welcome!

A Northerner thing?

When I'm Springfield I stay in what for all intents and purposes is a Corporate apartment with multiple users.

That kind of life is generally a short term deal but I have been staying here with Erika off and on (mostly on) for the better part of 5 years now. Since I have been steady we have had about 12-13 "room mates" over the years who have come to Springfield for short term stays..

Three of them have been from Chicago.

Two of that three have had this "thing" about keeping the bathroom door shut all the time.

So I was whining commenting to Erika, what is this bizarre thing? I have never heard of it. Toilet seat wars sure. Bathroom door closed? I've never heard of this.

Erika replies that she has heard of it, Perhaps it is a "hide the room where "dirty" things happen" thing?

Jules you out there? Is this a "Chicago thing"?

Either way this concept just hurts my head.

What is this a 50's sit com where the "impure" potty room does not exist and the married couple sleep in twin beds separated by a censor appointed minimum of 2 feet 7.5 inches?

I like to believe I am a creature of logic and reason so:

1) When you take a shower the bathroom gets very humid. If you keep the door shut and don't allow fresh air circulation, your wall paper/paint will be damaged over time and even worse you will probably end up with mold and mildew; With both smells bad and can be a health hazard.

2) I realize the base realities of life may be "TMI" for some weak minded people but for you mature people out there lets face it, we do things in there that don't always smell nice. Again, some basic air circulation cures that little problem. I don't want to smell what happened in there yesterday!

Both of these really apply this time of year when the weather is too nice to run the heat OR air conditioning.

3) And this one is BIG. If the door is shut how do you know weather someone is in there or not? What? You are supposed to knock on the the door every single time you use it? Really? In what bizarre parallel universe does this make sense?

I went to use the bathroom the other night, the light is on and the door is shut. Normally a clear sign of "ocupado" but I can't tell anymore so I knock on the door... yep, our Chicagoan is in there.

I do gotta go but it's not "epic" yet. So I go putter in the kitchen, fix a snack, chat with Erika. Every couple of minutes I lean back, look down the hall and and check the bathroom door. Light on, door closed. After a while hydraulic pressure is starting to build. I start doing the doing the pee pee dance. I walk back that way to put something in my room and notice the Chicagoan's bedroom door was open before but now it's closed.

Oh no!

So I knock on the bathroom door. Yeah its empty and who knows how long I been hopping foot to foot while it was empty. Grrrrrr.

Ok, so I gave three solid logical reasons NOT to close the door when not in use. Can anyone give me ONE logical reason to shut it?

Thank you for listening, thus concludes Rob's bizarre rant of the Day.

ps. Don't get me wrong he is nice guy and there is ALWAYS going to be a little friction where ever moving people are involved. This is a minor thing - BUT blogworthy,  no?

Of course, pilots are lucky too!

I know the Brits do not have all the puritan hang ups we North Americans do but WOW!