Thursday, January 24, 2008

Northerners MUST be crazy!

I am in central Illinois this morning. It is -2 degrees Fahrenheit with a wind chill of minus 20. Since the legislators get all the good parking it's a about a four block walk from where I park to the capital.

I have on heavy cotton Dockers pants and it was like I was wearing a bathing suit. That wind just sliced right through them. It hurt to breath, my eyes were watering so bad I could not tell if it was safe to cross the street or not and I swear to God that nose hairs were freezing and snapping off. I could hear them going tink, tink, tink-ta-tink-tink as they broke off.

Clearly the guy who invented that nose hair trimmer thing in the Sharper Image catalog did not live up north because there could be no possible use for it here! It would take a least a year for all those dead hair follicles to re-grow!

You know, male pattern baldness my ass! It’s the weather, it freezes the hair roots!

I think that before I walk back to my car I am going to have to sneak into the women’s restroom and buy a couple of tampons out of the machine to stick in my nostrils. We will save what few follicles that are left!

One of the people who lives here (already established they are insane) heard me commmenting (whining) about the cold told me to man up and grow a pair. Shoot! I had a pair but they snapped off on the walk over! I think they are still on the sidewalk at 2nd and Adams!

Holy frostbite Batman! I am going to the southwest tomorrow so I will get some relief but how do you people live with this all winter?

No wonder you are all nuts! :)

23 comments:

kay said...

too bad you couldn't wrap your electric blanket around you as you walked!! that's what you should invent!! a battery operated blanket. then you could wrap up and keep your *things* from freezing when you have to go up north.

OHmommy said...

Yes, we are all crazy.

It is so flipping cold.

But at least Northerners have less nose hairs. :)

Crazymamaof6 said...

finally! and glad you are back to posting! hilarious! maybe you need to get thermals, and electric underwear.
oh and i think that is what a scarf is for? i'm not sure since it's a sunny 49 degrees and my 3 year old is wearing my sunglasses while she eats her cereal to keep the sun out of her eyes. YEAH. good luck with that. maybe? YOU SHOULD BUY A COAT. ;)I know a great professional shopper.
seriously COL at the tink tink a tink, nose hairs!

and , glad you are back to the living! i was ready to comment for all to read about your actual whereabouts. :)

Melissa said...

"No wonder you are all nuts! :)"

I resemble that remark....

Tanya said...

I don't like the cold, but I really love the warm. It can't get to hot for me. I've found that once it has been cold a few days you start adjusting to it.

Angela WD said...

Sorry we froze ya. You know, you could have brought some warmth up here for us.

Dizzy Ms. Lizzy said...

Rob, I used to work at the Alzina Building at First and Jefferson, and my parking lot was 2-1/2 blocks away. I completely understand what you are going through! Those streets leading up to the Capitol are like wind tunnels!

But hey - - at least you don't have to trim your nose hair - - just another small service we provide up here in the frozen north . . . :-)

michelle said...

long underwear is a wonderful thing ... as are snowpants. and coats, not jackets. my winter coat covers to my knees (jackets just don't do it ... there is nothing worse than a frozen bum) ... my boots look after everything from toes to mid-calf ... and the couple of inches between keeps me movin'. :)

tammy said...

LOL at the image of you walking around with tampons stuck up your nose! But I'm with you. I'll stay here in sunny AZ.

Robin said...

My inlaws live in central Wisconsin and Canada, YES they are Crazy!!

PS. Be sure to buy the regular size tampons unless you have gorilla nostrils!

{Snort}

Kat said...

Totally picturing you with tampons in your nose. Yep that's funny as hell.

Send some cold my way. We've had spring like temperatures here and I am sick of it. I want winter back but not as cold as you just described it to be. Did your breath freeze and fall down in little snow flakes? I love it when it is this cold.

Stephanie said...

You are hilarious! Northerners are CRAZY! You couldn't pay me to live there. I think it's freezing when it drops below 60.

Anonymous said...

I DO own a cloak that covers from head to sidewalk, which is exactly like walking around in a warm wool blanket! We may be crazy, but check out our adaptation skills! And yes... a COAT is a necessity (how many months of winter have you endured here with nothing but short sleeved shirts and a spring jacket???!?)
-Erika

Rob said...

Kay- Well- nerdy engineer says you would need a backpack for the batteries or a really long extension cord - HOWEVER I can envision a battery powered cod piece to protect 'vital organs'! ;)

OhMommy- Why yes, you do have the most attractive nose hair I have ever seen! ;) Before work this morning I could see on the weather Radar where the snow we had here last night was at your place this morning.

CrazyMomma- But my arms and chest were fine? Coat won't help testicles, legs, nose hairs and eyeballs!

Melissa- I think we should start a school!

Angela- I will see what I can drag back up with me next week!

Ms. Lizzy- What is the other service?

Michelle- Snow pants! Oh just the thought makes me feel warmer! And LOL @ "the couple of inches between keeps me movin'"! Classic!

Tammy- It worked great! They were warm and fuzzy and oh so absorbent! No more runny nose! We should market a kiddy size for all those kids who have perpetually runny noses much to their mothers horror !

Robin- Thanks for the heads up, that could have been bad!

Kat- "Send some cold my way" - Until now I never realized you were a sadist! Oh, did you hear about the sadist and the masochist that started dating? The masochist said "beat me!" and the sadist said "No!"

Stephanie- They *are* paying me to be here but please, someone remind me to index my bill rate to the average temperature on the next contract!

Erika- 1) See my reply to CrazyMomma. 2) Where I come from this IS a heavy coat! 3) Oh sure, the old "blame the victim" thing eh? "He dressed that way so he deserved what he got" eh? That is sexual harassment you know and I don't have to take it anymore! Really, I thought that we as a society had moved beyond such petty thinking! :) ;)

Mags said...

Yup Yup...nuts and LOVIN' it! :) I almost spit out my drink when you mentioned the tampons.

Jules said...

I thought you were saying that it was too cold here for nuts, and then you called us all nuts. I'm confused.
Glad to see you back! We were all wondering if you were in your garlic-sleeved robe, tangled in your sheets with that Vampire sex book.
Jules
House of Jules

Sauntering Soul said...

This is just one more reason I've lived in Atlanta my entire life (although I didn't realize it until the moment I read this post). It's never cold enough that I a risk of seeing a grown man walking down the street with tampons stuck up his nose.

Manic Mom said...

IT DOES FREAKING SUCK HERE DOESN'T IT??

And who's ohmommy? she's so cute! And not in a gay way, just in that's a beautiful photo!

And thanks for the compliment on the haircut.

Melek said...

come back home to TX. it's gonna be 70 in Austin on Sunday. i'm breaking out the flip flops baby!! yeah....

eat your heart out Illinois!

Rob said...

Mags- Well, I am glad to see you are aware of it and reveling in it! :)

Jules- Let me clarify, you are all nutless nuts and I am nut who has lost his nuts. Nutty huh?

Sauntering- See? Cold soaking the gray matter will make you do nutty things! It reminds me of “The Andromeda Strain”.

Manic- Well I am glad you agree! And yeah, nothing gay about it, OhMommy has a serious case of cute! I sure hope they don’t come up with a cure! (I am continuously stunned at how all the commenters on my blog are total hotties!! How lucky can a guy get?)

Melek- Suddenly I had this bizarre mental image of snow pants and flip-flops!

lizgwiz said...

The nose hairs going tink a tink tink line--I think I snorted. Hee.

Taj said...

You have no nuts, you smell like garlic dishwater, you walk around with tampons up your nose and you wear a Grandpa robe?

You. Are. So. Hot.

Rob said...

Thanks Lizgwiz!

Taj, I love you too! :)