Ok, I was double teamed on this one! I was tagged by both Sauntering Soul and Melek to work out this little exercise.
The Rules are: Devise a list of 5 courses you would take to fix your life. It's more fun to be in classes with friends, so include one class from the person who tagged you that you'd also like to take.
So here we go. BTW: I just finished traveling from Dallas to Springfield today so that may have impacted my course choices just a tad, you be the judge...
Patience with Others - 105.
This course will help you develop coping skills with the 1000 little frustrations others impose up on you. When someone blocks two lanes of traffic then stops, learn how to merely roll your eyes and sigh instead of ranting thereby spraying your own windshield with saliva. Does the person in front of you in the express lane have 20 freaking items? Learn how to smile and forget about it. (Find a happy place!)
As a course addendum; slow learning students can learn how when calming exercises just won’t work, like when that jerk who just can’t get seem to get his car into the parking spot making at least one other spot unusable, EVERY - SINGLE - DAY, learn valuable “suburban guerrilla” techniques such as how to flatten his tires without being noticed. Also learn to nod sympathetically when he is complaining to you about how his tires keep going flat.
Airport Anger Management - 210.
Prerequisite: Patience with Others - 105.
When your plane pulls up to the Jetway and stops, does that guy that jumps up and runs down the isle to the front of the plane the millisecond the seat belt sign goes off raise your blood pressure? (I mean is that two minutes he saved going to make or break him?) Does the guy that carries on enough baggage to start a summer camp make “God’s little anger dots” swim before your eyes? Do people who still try to carry a gallon bottle of shampoo through security make your ears bleed? If so, here are some very useful techniques to help you not beat a man to death with a bottle of shampoo or his own laptop. If all else fails learn how no jury would ever convict you.
How to Speak to Women - 101.
Prerequisite: Melek’s Get Off Your Computer and Go Live Life course.
Does merely being in the presence of an attractive women mean your glands will drop approximately a quart of adrenaline into your bloodstream? Learn how Milt from Office Space was not a good role model for talking to women. Learn how insecurity and inane, endless muttering are, shockingly, not attractive to women! Learn practical techniques to help you NOT attempt to say the four thousand things that are racing though your adrenaline soaked mind simultaneously. In this way women you are trying to converse with will no longer think you are an escaped mental patient or mass murderer as you stutter and mumble on.
Just in case there is anyone else left in the English speaking world who does not know who Milt is, see the video. (42 seconds) Just imagine that office as a restaurant and Bill Lumbergh (the guy standing) as a pretty women and you will see Milt doing a spot on impersonation of me on a date!
Buying non-functional items - 101.
Have you heard rumors that nonfunctional things add something to life somehow? Do you ever lay awake at night wondering just what in the hell a knick-knack is?
If so, this course is for you! In this course learn how to buy crap that has no actually identifiable purpose in life. You know, like a picture that hangs on that wall or maybe a plant in the house? You have seen other people do this stuff now learn why and how! Learn how not everything you purchase has to be airplane, computer or tool related.
Bonus material for advanced students include learning to understand why the fairer sex seems to have an internal algorithm that says that the less functional a consumer item is the more desirable it becomes. E.g. flowers, jewelry and to a lesser degree knick-knacks.
I was tagged for this little meme by Sauntering Soul and Melek. So I would certainly have to attend Sauntering's course “Follow through for Beginners” and as already noted Melek’s “Get Off Your Computer and Go Live Life” is a required pre-req for my “How to Speak to Women” course.
If your last name starts with A through J please go to the left, H through Z please go to the right.