Monday, December 3, 2007

Real Life 101

Ok, I was double teamed on this one! I was tagged by both Sauntering Soul and Melek to work out this little exercise.

The Rules are: Devise a list of 5 courses you would take to fix your life. It's more fun to be in classes with friends, so include one class from the person who tagged you that you'd also like to take.

So here we go. BTW: I just finished traveling from Dallas to Springfield today so that may have impacted my course choices just a tad, you be the judge...

Patience with Others - 105.
This course will help you develop coping skills with the 1000 little frustrations others impose up on you. When someone blocks two lanes of traffic then stops, learn how to merely roll your eyes and sigh instead of ranting thereby spraying your own windshield with saliva. Does the person in front of you in the express lane have 20 freaking items? Learn how to smile and forget about it. (Find a happy place!)

As a course addendum; slow learning students can learn how when calming exercises just won’t work, like when that jerk who just can’t get seem to get his car into the parking spot making at least one other spot unusable, EVERY - SINGLE - DAY, learn valuable “suburban guerrilla” techniques such as how to flatten his tires without being noticed. Also learn to nod sympathetically when he is complaining to you about how his tires keep going flat.

Airport Anger Management - 210.
Prerequisite: Patience with Others - 105.

When your plane pulls up to the Jetway and stops, does that guy that jumps up and runs down the isle to the front of the plane the millisecond the seat belt sign goes off raise your blood pressure? (I mean is that two minutes he saved going to make or break him?) Does the guy that carries on enough baggage to start a summer camp make “God’s little anger dots” swim before your eyes? Do people who still try to carry a gallon bottle of shampoo through security make your ears bleed? If so, here are some very useful techniques to help you not beat a man to death with a bottle of shampoo or his own laptop. If all else fails learn how no jury would ever convict you.

How to Speak to Women - 101.
Prerequisite: Melek’s Get Off Your Computer and Go Live Life course.

Does merely being in the presence of an attractive women mean your glands will drop approximately a quart of adrenaline into your bloodstream? Learn how Milt from Office Space was not a good role model for talking to women. Learn how insecurity and inane, endless muttering are, shockingly, not attractive to women! Learn practical techniques to help you NOT attempt to say the four thousand things that are racing though your adrenaline soaked mind simultaneously. In this way women you are trying to converse with will no longer think you are an escaped mental patient or mass murderer as you stutter and mumble on.

Just in case there is anyone else left in the English speaking world who does not know who Milt is, see the video. (42 seconds) Just imagine that office as a restaurant and Bill Lumbergh (the guy standing) as a pretty women and you will see Milt doing a spot on impersonation of me on a date!

Buying non-functional items - 101.
Have you heard rumors that nonfunctional things add something to life somehow? Do you ever lay awake at night wondering just what in the hell a knick-knack is?

If so, this course is for you! In this course learn how to buy crap that has no actually identifiable purpose in life. You know, like a picture that hangs on that wall or maybe a plant in the house? You have seen other people do this stuff now learn why and how! Learn how not everything you purchase has to be airplane, computer or tool related.

Bonus material for advanced students include learning to understand why the fairer sex seems to have an internal algorithm that says that the less functional a consumer item is the more desirable it becomes. E.g. flowers, jewelry and to a lesser degree knick-knacks.

I was tagged for this little meme by Sauntering Soul and Melek. So I would certainly have to attend Sauntering's course “Follow through for Beginners” and as already noted Melek’s “Get Off Your Computer and Go Live Life” is a required pre-req for my “How to Speak to Women” course.

If your last name starts with A through J please go to the left, H through Z please go to the right.


Anonymous said...

Interesting list!

Anonymous said...

Just a thought, have you thought about going on Beauty and the Geek? I believe that is what is called.

Kat said...

OMG I so gotta go to an Airport Anger Management course. After years as an airline employee and lots of flying I still suffer from meeting people in the airport who have what we used to call airport brain. Gotta go. My pulse is at 200.

Moanna said...

Great list. Made me LOL. As did your "cow-orking" comment on Swishy's site. How funny.

Rob said...

Jenny – Oh heck yeah, I have thought about it! All male geeks dream of living in a house full of beautiful women and being forced, forced I tell you to give them back rubs and sleep in the same bed! I am sure my stuttering would keep me off the show. :)

Kat - Ah - what did you do at the airline? I have worked at a couple of airlines myself. If you were a gate agent and have not killed your self or someone else yet then CONGRATULATIONS! I could not do that job and restrain myself! :)

Moanna - Thanks! You may be the only one who got or liked the cow-orking bit! :)

Sauntering Soul said...

Thanks for playing along Rob! Great list....I need to take a few of your courses.

Rob said...

Thanks Sauntering, it was fun once I stopped procrastinating and started typing!

Melek said...

love the airport anger management!! very original. i love when you get behind people in security who STILL dont know to take your laptop out of your bag, take off your shoes, dont carry a full bottle of right guard in your bag.... sheesh... i could go on, but i'm getting angry!

Stephanie said...

Since it was mentioned in the coments did you watch Beauty and the Geek finale? I was happy! I think the LARPR did change a bit. He really annoyed me at first but he began to grow on me. He really grew to like Jasmine at the end. They were cute! My two cents.

Taj said...

Interesting list. I know a few people who could use some of those courses.

And apparently my internal algorithm is distorted because I'd take computer related items over flowers any day.

I would also think stuttering would be a plus! And if you snort it's definitely a lock. ;)

Rob said...

Melek - it never ceases to amaze me!

Steph - Erika was tired last night so we left it on the DVR to watch tonight. We are waaay behind on TV right now! :) That might come in handy of the strike lingers on! :(

Taj - Yeah, there are a few of you with skewed algorithms. That is always the risk with generalities.

Dating a guy that stutters around pretty women would work real well if you are a women that likes to talk a lot! Then I can just sit and nod vigorously all night!! THAT I can pull off! :)

OMG, I have been known to snort! :( In fact, I just did it in front of Erika last week! I was mortified but could not stop! Two or three more escaped me before I could get it back under control. What can I say, she cracks me up!