Tuesday, November 20, 2007


On a pilot’s forum a friend of mine, Judy P. was really having a hard time understanding some of the federal regulations and why she had to do certain useless paperwork. Even though this particular exchange is about the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) in particular it really does apply to all government  bureaucracies.

In her exasperation she ended one of her posts with the following line:

“I'm sorry but my PhD is doing me no good understanding this.”

My answer:

Judy, Judy, Judy,

That is to be expected. Unless your PhD is in "Liberal Arts" there was probably some extended stream of logical thought required to receive it.

A bureaucracy abhors logical thought. Logic is the anathema of bureaucratic design. Logic is an abomination before the gods of bureaucracy.

A bureau is where people incapable of logical thought end up when they can't get a job anywhere else and the welfare runs out. Thus we achieve a fully equalitarian society where the least capable members of a society suddenly get to make the rules thereby achieving a society of perfectly equal inefficiency.

If for some odd reason you really want to understand the process may I recommend large doses of LSD? About the time the curtains start to melt and drip and you are wondering if Martha Stewart knows how to get curtain stain out of the carpet you can achieve a moment of infinite clarity where the inner workings of government agencies will suddenly snap into focus! (This is also a good time to look at your income tax return. Suddenly Schedule C makes perfect sense! Far out man!)

Now if harsh mind altering chemicals are not your style I understand. Please be aware that similar results can be obtained in a purely organic, environmentally friendly way by suspending yourself in the air by ropes attached to hooks inserted under the skin of your back. If you can get some friends to sit around and play bongos I understand that helps too. After about 12 hours or so of dangling by your skin you will be able to ask the spirits to explain the inner workings of modern government to you.

I personally prefer the time tested methodology of simply muttering "freaking gummint morons" under my breath and filling out my forms like a good little sheep. Yes, it is the coward’s way and I'm not proud but I do maintain a semblance of sanity that way. One must pick one's battles.

No, I'm not bitter. Why do you ask?


Melek said...

hey, that sounds like some of my clients!

and didnt george costanza use the word "anathema" in a seinfeld episode? jerry was like "how long you be saving that one up?" hahaha...

Rob said...

Heck, I thought "equalitarian" was the $20 word. :)

Jules said...

Someone didn't get the memo about putting the new coversheet on the TPS reports. :)

House of Jules

Rob said...

“Mmmm, yeeeeeahhhhhh. I am going to need you to work this Saturday. Yeeeeaaahhh.“

That movie is one of my all time favs Jules!