News Hype!

THE LEAD IN.


{in a tense and powerful voice} Tonight on actions news! A local airshow act goes horrifyingly wrong! The pilot loses control of his aircraft and impacts four buildings traumatizing the building occupants! Complete film at 11:00











THE REALITY:

Talk about being scared shitless! AR!

Hello Kitty!

I'm Gonna Be Rich!

Good old Exacto blades. They cut right through flesh like a light saber!

My Exacto knife DID NOT come with a 16 page "manual" that was actually full of legal warnings such as:


"WARNING! THIS IS NOT A TOY! STICKING THIS TOOL INTO YOUR FLESH OR ANY OTHER PERSONS FLESH COULD CAUSE INJURY OR DEATH; USE EXTREMELY EXTREME CAUTION

Therefore since I was not properly and repeatedly warned that sharp things can cut you even faster and easier than what you meant to cut, I put the blade right through my index finger! Exit wound and everything! COOL, er, I mean, oh the psychological damage! I am having nightmares, I get the shakes around shiny things. Spinner rims actually put me into a epileptic like seizure now! It's horrible. I can never travel in urban areas where ask murderers roam again! I deserve compensation damn it!

And if I had ONLY been properly warned in an instruction manual which  I would have never opened THIS would not have happened...

So, how do I get blood off my counter top? It kinda soaked in while I was busy trying to apply first aid to myself.

Well the warnings AND if the damn knife would have cut what I was trying to cut then I would not have slipped and cut me instead of my target!
This is a real problem in America. Did you know there are over 20,000,000 knife injuries per year in this country and millions of them are very serious. Also did you know that I make up 82.2 percent of my stats right on the spot? It's a problem people!

With my millions from the settlement I will start the Nerdy Redneck Foundation to stop sharp knifes. Our Motto will be "The only good knife is a dull knife" or "safer Knifes for a safer world" or something equally inane. If there are any colors left we can do an awareness ribbon! I mean really work those cliches here folks!

Then like most charities we will totally loose focus and start will campaigning against anything sharp. Our group will inevitably support all the teachers demanding children be put on Ritalin! "Sharp things are dangerous, we demand dull children!" YEAH!

Oooh, THAT will get me on the morning talk show circuit

Join the protest chant people...
TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT
WE DEMAND KIDS BE ILLITERATE
(Now northerners, here in the south "illiterate" rhymes with "eight", don't blame the poet for *your* funny accents !)


PS Mr. Clean, that phallic symbol from the days when housewife's were lonely for a big strong CLEAN man, does an awesome job on blood stains.

Random Points

TV

I have been DVR'ing "Hoarders" as I know a few.

For some reason I just can't make myself delete them off the DVR after I watch them. I mean what if I missed something? What if they cancel the series, how will I ever catch what I missed? What if someday something comes up and the knowledge in one of those episodes is EXACTLY what I need to solve the problem.

My DVR is all full of Hoarders episodes and I cant record anything else. I guess I need a bigger DVR.

Rest?

A few posts back I showed you my new fence. I have also been moving a lot of dirt to level the yard and improve drainage. I have been so stiff and sore for weeks now. So I decided Sunday was going to be a day of rest, a "me day".  I vowed I would not do any work! Read, watch Cheesy TV etc and just relax for one lousy day.

I decided to play the Wii I bought, jeez, years ago. I had a BLAST playing Tennis, baseball, golf and Bowling.

Some rest! Wii Sports is active! My God I am so stiff this morning I can hardly type. I don't remember my coffee cup being so damn heavy!

"Bad call Ripley, bad call."

I have the POWER (2)

Wow, I am just coming to grips with this sway I hold over the universe. Not long ago I say here that Rick Perry should not be president and within 12 hours he drops out of the the race.

Last year I bitch about Ford building wimpy "Muscle  cars" and now they have this!

This is way better than my idea of putting a megaphone in the wheel well so it would at least sound like a muscle car.

Apparently the force grows strong in me! Anyone seen my droid?

Whitney Houston

As we know "Celebrity Watch" is not my thing here so I'll keep this very short and to the point...

For a week now I have been hearing "I Will Always Love You". GAH! NO mos por favor, no mos!  Uh HELLO "Journalists", Whitney actually did more than one song and in my opinion that is not her best. In fact it makes me think of Tarzan! AhhhhhAHHHHHahhhhAHHHHH. Where Cheetah Jane?

On the other hand  I simply can not listen to "I wanna dance with Somebody" and NOT start moving.

Shut up about Bobby Brown already. Whitney can kill herself alllll by herself like a BIG girl!

'Nuff said

Times are TOUGH!

Last Friday I went to see my stock broker. I usually do this stuff online but he was paying me for a change so I had to go see him.

I keyed the address into good old Map quest and I thought "Great! Out in front of the mall. THAT will really help narrow down where to find him in the mall! STUPID MAP QUEST!" Here see for yourself... (click pic to embiggen if you wish. (yeah, I make up words, leave me alone!))

I mean right smack dab in the middle of the road. C'mon!!

Well after a few laps around the building. I called him again and he said he had seen me drive by three times and look south, can I see him waving. Oh Shit! There he was! I had been avoiding eye contact with him which turned out to be really embarrassing in the end 



My Broker!

WOW. Retractions all the way around.... Map Quest is dead on! He was in the road! I'm sorry Map quest...

MMMMMmmm, I shore do loves me some humble pie y'all!

I HAVE THE POWER!

My wallet was stolen last November. The credit cards were replaced within 10 days.

I am still waiting for a new a drivers licence. I was in Illinois then. I got online and sure enough I could get a duplicate issued and mailed ONLY to my home from the website. Makes sense and no problem-o because then my son could send it to me up north.

Ironically I had to wait for a credit card to be re-issued so I could use it on the website to pay the fee for a duplicate licence. :)

So in December I still don't have a licence so I check my credit card statement and the modest payment to the state of Texas never hit so I assumed I somehow or another did not complete the website correctly. You know some silly like not hitting the confirm button AFTER hitting the submit button. (Being a UNIX guy the plebeian "Are you sure?" thing of the GUI baby universe often throws me off! ;) )

So I hit the Texas  "Department of Public Safety" (State Police) website again and ran through the process again looking hard for the "confirm: or the "are you really, really, REALLY sure" button and I am pretty sure I got it right this time.

So along comes January and still no licence (several blog posts detailing many Christmas travel adventures with no valid ID will be written, this I SWEAR!)   So I get online again and I get a big red box saying call this phone number. Well it turns out I have been flagged for trying to get two drivers licences online and now I have to come in person to get it.

No problem, I moved home over Christmas so a in situ meeting is not the issue it would have been in Nov. or Dec. So I head on over.

The line stretches out the door into the parking lot. thank goodness it was a nice Texas day, in Illinois this line could be deadly (literally). When my spot in line gets to the door I see this GEM of government think....



A tough call; laugh or cry? I chose hysterical cackling followed by sobbing in the shower when I got home.

At first I thought I could have made an appointment and not stood in line?  Damn! THEN the stunning reality, the full soul crushing weight of the sign sinks in fully.... Even when you have an appointment you STILL have to stand in this line before your appointment will be "honored".     

As a man who thrives on efficiency I begin to shiver, then giggle then drool while still giggling. As a defense mechanism from such madness my mind detaches and floats away into a safer happier place. Why my mind chose to "vacation" in an old vision of the LSD inspired movie "Yellow Submarine" I may never fully understand. (Click play on the song below and keep reading, its a great sound track for the surreal tale to follow)

Only after vomiting off the edge of the sidewalk do I begin to regain contact with reality and as my super-ego reconnects with the wet ware I catch myself mumbling "we all live... in.. a..yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine". Whoa!

I was getting many dirty looks from my fellow line inmates for vomiting but as I wiped my mouth I simply stated, "You did not think I was going to give up my place in line for that did you?" 

The dirty looks become glares.

Never one to back down in the face of reason I just growl, "You folks just better pray I don't have to poo before this is over" 

No more eye contact is made with me. I have firmly establish my alpha-ness over this line herd!    

Anyway, I eventually work my way up the head of the line.  

Sidebar... Back in the 90's I fell in hate with our Governor here at the time, you may have heard of him. George W Bush. He signed a law requiring all Texans to give their thumbprints like convicted criminals in order to receive a drivers licences. The Prints are digitally encoded onto a magnetic strip on the back of the licence so they can swipe you license and make sure you and the licence match.

Hi big brudder! Wanna play some catch?   I realize I have these old fashioned ideas about the Constitution and right to privacy and such so I was outraged. Me and perhaps four others (by my count)

Back to the present story... deep in the belly of the beast.... I reach the lady with the computer! "Ok sir, lost licence, no problem, I just need your social security card?" 

"Ooooo, I don't have it on me."

"I am sorry sir, you will have to get it, we need it to identify you" 

"OH!", tapping my side of her computer monitor, "You have my picture right here don't you"?

"I am sorry sir, I will need your social security card to identify you."

Pointing at the thumbprint reader "Uh, you have my thumbprints in that system there and here is a reader, you can't match that? After all that is why fearless leader Bush made us submit them right?" (sadly noting there can actually be benefits to evil which is why I suppose so many sheep accept it)

"Sir, I have to have your Social Security card to identify you."

"Do you know how easy it is to fake one of those? Do you know how long I stood in this line? Whereas the data you have in this computer is secure and I don't have to stand in line again"

"Sir, I have to have your Social Security card to identify you"

"So you are saying that if I was a mass murderer and the state police (you!) arrested me right now I would be executed as John Doe because I don't have a social Security card?  

Silence.

In exasperation at the prospect of another day in line I simply say "FUCK!" and turn to walk away.
In that snotty tone only a public facing civil "servant" can use she ordered me to "watch my language"
"No ma'am! I still live in this funny place called America and I actually have the right to be rude and crude. So FUCK!!"

I'm not proud but it needed to be said... much like lancing a boil. It ain't pretty but it's utterly necessary.

OK! Irony tiiiiiiiiiiiime! Are you ready? 'cause this here is the kicker!

If I had not double submitted on the DPS (State Police) website I would have had my licence without showing my SOCIAL SECURITY CARD! Ponder on that a bit people! Let that sink in.......Yeah, I know right!?

So yesterday when I posted a much shorter and less humorous version of this rant on facebook I closed with "Rick Perry has been Governor of this state for 12 years, if this is the best our state agencies can do after 12 years of his "leadership" then he has no business being president"

Today he withdrew from the race! CNN Story Here.


BWUH HA HA HA! Can you feel my power young jedi's? I did not know I had it either but you people better start being nicer to me.

{waving three fingers....} "Its very warm in here ma'am; You want to remove your top..."

Chefs SUCK

Here is a post I meant to make anyway but another bloggers post about prepared food got me motivated...

Erika's residency in Springfield is nearly up and houses don't move that fast these days so I moved out Nov 1 (3 or 4 th actually and I STLL have stuff there! {sigh} being a nerd does have its downsides)

So I moved in with a new room mate, a working chef. As I moved in he began to unceremoniously go through my boxes marked "food" and throw most of it into a plastic tub labeled food bank. 

"Rob, I have very few rules here but your gas station food brings dishonor to my kitchen!" (exaggeration of course)

He gave me a very short list of foods I was allowed to buy and I was starting to think I had made an awful mistake moving in here. Then he swung open the refrigerator doors and there lay before my eye was an oasis! I felt fear as some sects of Christianity claim you get your own personalized heaven after the rapture.  This would be mine. When I saw this fridge I thought I had been killed (By an angry chef chucking 5 for a dollar mac and cheese into a plastic bin and had gone to my personal heaven

His fridge was full of stackable half gallon bins some with spouts some with little fold open doors. They were nearly refriderator depth and stacked neatly upon each other. They had lables like "Pulled Pork", "Baby Rays 'secret' BBQ Sauce", " Pork Chops, "Sirloin, "tender loin, "Roast beef, "Bacon, "Sausage (links), "Sausage Patties, Then in grease pencil the last "stocked on" date.

Whoa! Hello gluttoney have you met nerdy organizatrional skills? I knew you would like each other!

Then off course neat stacks of sliced chesses;  pepper jack, colby, mozarella, cheddar!

Then he explaimed that one of my duties as his room mate was to help him eat food before it goes bad. He is really sick of throwing out food that is not appropriate for the food bank.



Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs -
What a fucking MORON!

AS I lay on the floor cunvulsing mildly and choking on saliva my sadness at no longer having hot women room mates began to fade...Just a little though; Everyone (should) know the male hierarchy of needs for happiness... sex THEN food THEN machines - DUH! (Oh that is why this is the most erotic picture on earth! )  

As Kool aid would say - "OOOooooooooh yeah!"

 As usual I drifted off track... I have been having a really good record lately on weight loss! I was immediatly scared that access to so much incredible food in nearly unlimited quantites was really going to screw up my progress.

It did not!

Terry would actually prepare me meals and I would not INHALE them! I would portion them up and eat them over a day or two though. My weight loss continued while I continued to eat, meal after meal, the best food I have ever had over a continuous period in my life! It was like "sunday dinner" with the extended family as a child but 21 meals a week! (flashback! post roast, mashed potaotes and grandma's noodles and home made dinner rolls! (Damn, more drool in the keyboard) but terry's left overs brougth home were that good!)

The first morning I was there Terry asked if I wanted some coffee as I dressed for work. "Sure buddy!"

"Cream and sugar?"

"Yeah!" 

I sat at the kitchen table and nearly chocked on my coffee! It was the The Best Coffee I have ever had! "My god Terry!! OK, so what kind of "chefs seccret do you use to make your coffee so good!"

"Huh? It's just Folgers and a Mr. Coffeee"

"Huh? BULL!"

We may say "cream and sugar" in our cofee or tea. Have you ever had real life actual HEAVY CREAM and SUGAR in a cup of coffee! I have not and grew up on a  farm (I have heard you can get a cup of coffee like this at Starbucks but being hetero I have never been to a Starbucks)

While I ate all the gormet food I wanted everyday I continued to loose weight.

Then I packed up and left springfield for Dallas. I got caught in a blizzard and spent a day in a rest stop (full post forthcoming!) I started eating gas station food again! Burritoes and 2 dogs for 2 bucks etc. I had no problem with portion control but I would consume the portions is shorter order. I begandto be hungry too often again. Now back in Dallas with a fridge full of "normal" food I am not gaining but weight loss has stopped and it is a struggle again. 

My hypothesis is that a a very good satisfying meal will alleviate hunger pain. I am starting to think That overall "satisfaction" plays a significant role in satiety. Perhaps as significant a role as volume.  

When I Had an omelets for breakfast with onion caramelized in butter and bacon fat, and then the main omelet cooked in bacon fat I would only eat a fraction of it and not get hungry again. Then my blackend roast beef sandwich layered with gooey pepper jack cheese, homemade mustard and homemade mayo (OMG Who ever knew mayo had flavor and was not just a throat lubricant!? I sure as hell did not!) 

My urge for afternoon snacking was gone! 

For people who struggle with weight, give this a shot, eat a small but extremely delicious meal. See if the average period from meal time to begineing of hunger pains of hunger pains has a linear relationship with quality of eaten (defined by flavor!) vs quantity!  

Oh yeah, the tittle, so why do chefs suck? 'Cause when you move out and have to fend for your self again, food is just never the same. Terry, oh Terry, how do you make that omelet so fluffy that if it did not have meat for weight it would float away! The egg portion would melt like cotton candy leaving the onions, peppers and saudage! I'm jonesing Terry, I need my fix! {Wailing} Oh Terry don't hold out on me this way!

Dishonor

Kwaii Lo! Your Christmas gift brings great dishonor to my house and your once proud family!

Go now in shame and pray that in the future you can perform some great task of sacrifice to wash the stain of shame from both our houses.

NOW GO!

Does your shame know no boundries Kwai Lo?

Thats what I like!

I remember when I was about 12 or so I went to the local bar and grill with my Papa (Pronounced Paw-paw) He was a mountain of a man, devoutly religious and soft spoken. So imagine my SHOCK when the waitres asked him how he wanted his coffee and he answered, "I like my coffee just like my women, light and sweet!"

Papa flirting with a waitress!? AS I said shocking!

However its a great joke! No matter how you like your coffee you can make it fit!

So this weekend  I was able to bring a variation to the theme when I explained to my new room mate that I like my milk (moo Juice!) the same way I like my women, white and frigid!

I'm Pissed!

Yes again!

You mean to tell me I been parking at the 100 acre box stores and all I had to do was just find one of these green boxes and help myself - FOR FREE!


So, who ever did not send me this memo is in for it! BIG TIME

Redneck Award #2 (The Reddy!)

I humbly bow before this master of redneckdom! Here is a person who obviously has spent a lifetime perfecting the redneck arts! At first I thought it MUST be abandoned but note the contemporary decorations!

Man this guy is GOOD!

You want a twist! This shanty overlooks a very prestigious private golf course! Ya know, the kind of place where regardless of my income I would not be allowed to join. I am not quite as obnoxious as Rodney Dangerfield's character in Caddy Shack but I am striving to improve. I run my obnoxity flash cards and exercises every day! Someday I hope to achieve the masters skill but alas, for now, I am an apprentice

Jihad!

I am pretty agnostic when it comes to religion. Yet from the seemingly oddest of casual conversations my random access brain solved a centuries old religious question. (Humble aint I?) Empiricism is dead in the rest of the world (eg Global warming) but I still respect it immensely. So here is actual proof of a major religions tenet!

It all started on a first date. It seems to be one of those ‘standard’ “getting to know you questions”. Every single woman I have dated will ask, “So what do you like to eat”?

I guess this list of standardized date questions must be one of the things women hold committee and vote on during all those communal bathroom visits.

So the latest women in my life asks what do you like to eat? At the moment for some reason I was craving breakfast sausage so I mentioned it, then like a binary link list I just started down the chain, oh bacon and gosh ham is awesome, pork chops, BBQ pulled pork and pork ribs are to die for…

Then suddenly an epiphany! All my favorite foods are pork based. Then upon further reflection it becomes obvious that clearly the pig is the most delicious animal on the planet. I mean nearly every single cut of this animal simply burtsts with flavor!

Then the double epiphany hits! Oh....MA....GAWD! (Literally!) After centuries of debate and bloody conflict proof positive that God prefers Christians!

Picture ancient Jerusalem where three major religions were based at the same time... Imagine a vengeful God pointing his finger and mocking the poor Jews and Muslims..."

Na na na na na! I created the best tasting animal you will ever know of and YOU can't have any! HAHA HA HAAAAA!!

(This might also explain why the Jews and Muslims are still fighting for centuries now. Porkus envy! Freud was sooooo close!)

Then think of all those religions that require vegetarianism- Christianity is the only religion (that I know of)  that gets to sample all the wonderful delicious foods God created for us guilt free! Well except I was raised Catholic and they make you feel guilt for even breathing! Shoot 30 years latter and those damned nuns still have me so messed up I still can't masturbate without guilt for making baby Jesus cry! Oh, sorry, drifting...

Yep, no more living in denial, Christians are clearly Gods spoilt children that get all the good presents at Christmas while the other kids get crap. You know, just like Christmas itself! :(

Sorry all you other religions! But jump on in, the ham casserole if freaking AWESOME! There is always room for more at the table.

So I have adapted the old bible camp song to reflect the new reality:

Jesus loves me, this I know
because the bible pork chops tell me so!


Oh that old WWII song might have to be revisited too...

Pass the ammo bacon and praise Jesus! (This heathen spell checker keeps suggesting Perseus for Jesus, Perseus really? lol)

So all you Christians out there, show your love, kill  a pig for Jesus today!

Lord Ganesha. 

Oh, as long as I am starting religious foment here let me add that I know from personal experience that jokes about the Hindu God Ganesha having peanut allergies are not freaking funny!

I thought the swelling and contortions made it obvious but every nerd learns sooner or later NEVER analyze some one else's religion. :)

It not just fun- its fecal fun!

Ok, for those who like to pretend that the things all our bodies do are disgusting please turn away now. ....



For those of you still with me I went camping for a few days last month. Which was stupid because it was still nice and sweaty hot out there! It sure looks nice in this photo though eh?!




Best of both worlds. Just kicking back! My Hybrid has a standard electrical outlet and 450 pounds of battery can drive a laptop for a loooong time! :) 

So I got pretty dehydrated out there and my old colon performed flawlessly because it strained every last essence of water from my poo. In fact, as I was trying to eject this brick from my body my internal I-pod pulled up and started playing “Like a rock”

In other words this was what I call an Incredible Hulk shit. You know, you are sitting there gritting your teeth, blood vessels are bulging from head and neck, your arms are on the wall pushing, pushing which starts your shirt to ripping, then you start to turn green from the pushing then this growling moan that hearkens back to more primitive man slips through your grinding teeth and clenched jaw! The neighborhood dogs even start howling in sympathy. Jedi half a galaxy away can feel the rippling in the force!

Then the “plunk!” that means the pain is over – for now

Yep the Incredible Hulk!
And in the pain and release of the male equivalent to child birth creativity sets and I start to laugh out out loud- I just
made up a Joke!

I love jokes but I am not a joke writer. My thing is story telling with hopefully humorous twists but I made up a real life question and answer joke right there on the ceramic throne.

Q. What do muscle cars, sex and bowel movements have in common?

A. The louder they are the better they are!

HA!