Monday, January 2, 2012

Chefs SUCK

Here is a post I meant to make anyway but another bloggers post about prepared food got me motivated...

Erika's residency in Springfield is nearly up and houses don't move that fast these days so I moved out Nov 1 (3 or 4 th actually and I STLL have stuff there! {sigh} being a nerd does have its downsides)

So I moved in with a new room mate, a working chef. As I moved in he began to unceremoniously go through my boxes marked "food" and throw most of it into a plastic tub labeled food bank. 

"Rob, I have very few rules here but your gas station food brings dishonor to my kitchen!" (exaggeration of course)

He gave me a very short list of foods I was allowed to buy and I was starting to think I had made an awful mistake moving in here. Then he swung open the refrigerator doors and there lay before my eye was an oasis! I felt fear as some sects of Christianity claim you get your own personalized heaven after the rapture.  This would be mine. When I saw this fridge I thought I had been killed (By an angry chef chucking 5 for a dollar mac and cheese into a plastic bin and had gone to my personal heaven
His fridge was full of stackable half gallon bins some with spouts some with little fold open doors. They were nearly refriderator depth and stacked neatly upon each other. They had lables like "Pulled Pork", "Baby Rays 'secret' BBQ Sauce", " Pork Chops, "Sirloin, "tender loin, "Roast beef, "Bacon, "Sausage (links), "Sausage Patties, Then in grease pencil the last "stocked on" date.

Whoa! Hello gluttoney have you met nerdy organizatrional skills? I knew you would like each other!

Then off course neat stacks of sliced chesses;  pepper jack, colby, mozarella, cheddar!

Then he explaimed that one of my duties as his room mate was to help him eat food before it goes bad. He is really sick of throwing out food that is not appropriate for the food bank.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs -
What a fucking MORON!
AS I lay on the floor cunvulsing mildly and choking on saliva my sadness at no longer having hot women room mates began to fade...Just a little though; Everyone (should) know the male hierarchy of needs for happiness... sex THEN food THEN machines - DUH! (Oh that is why this is the most erotic picture on earth! )  
As Kool aid would say - "OOOooooooooh yeah!"

 As usual I drifted off track... I have been having a really good record lately on weight loss! I was immediatly scared that access to so much incredible food in nearly unlimited quantites was really going to screw up my progress.

It did not!

Terry would actually prepare me meals and I would not INHALE them! I would portion them up and eat them over a day or two though. My weight loss continued while I continued to eat, meal after meal, the best food I have ever had over a continuous period in my life! It was like "sunday dinner" with the extended family as a child but 21 meals a week! (flashback! post roast, mashed potaotes and grandma's noodles and home made dinner rolls! (Damn, more drool in the keyboard) but terry's left overs brougth home were that good!)

The first morning I was there Terry asked if I wanted some coffee as I dressed for work. "Sure buddy!"
"Cream and sugar?"
I sat at the kitchen table and nearly chocked on my coffee! It was the The Best Coffee I have ever had! "My god Terry!! OK, so what kind of "chefs seccret do you use to make your coffee so good!"
"Huh? It's just Folgers and a Mr. Coffeee"
"Huh? BULL!"
We may say "cream and sugar" in our cofee or tea. Have you ever had real life actual HEAVY CREAM and SUGAR in a cup of coffee! I have not and grew up on a  farm (I have heard you can get a cup of coffee like this at Starbucks but being hetero I have never been to a Starbucks)

While I ate all the gormet food I wanted everyday I continued to loose weight.

Then I packed up and left springfield for Dallas. I got caught in a blizzard and spent a day in a rest stop (full post forthcoming!) I started eating gas station food again! Burritoes and 2 dogs for 2 bucks etc. I had no problem with portion control but I would consume the portions is shorter order. I begandto be hungry too often again. Now back in Dallas with a fridge full of "normal" food I am not gaining but weight loss has stopped and it is a struggle again. 

My hypothesis is that a a very good satisfying meal will alleviate hunger pain. I am starting to think That overall "satisfaction" plays a significant role in satiety. Perhaps as significant a role as volume.  

When I Had an omelets for breakfast with onion caramelized in butter and bacon fat, and then the main omelet cooked in bacon fat I would only eat a fraction of it and not get hungry again. Then my blackend roast beef sandwich layered with gooey pepper jack cheese, homemade mustard and homemade mayo (OMG Who ever knew mayo had flavor and was not just a throat lubricant!? I sure as hell did not!) 

My urge for afternoon snacking was gone! 

For people who struggle with weight, give this a shot, eat a small but extremely delicious meal. See if the average period from meal time to begineing of hunger pains of hunger pains has a linear relationship with quality of eaten (defined by flavor!) vs quantity!  

Oh yeah, the tittle, so why do chefs suck? 'Cause when you move out and have to fend for your self again, food is just never the same. Terry, oh Terry, how do you make that omelet so fluffy that if it did not have meat for weight it would float away! The egg portion would melt like cotton candy leaving the onions, peppers and saudage! I'm jonesing Terry, I need my fix! {Wailing} Oh Terry don't hold out on me this way!


Lap Band Gal said...

I like it! :) great post

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Well I am glad you got the drift, Obviously it BADLY needs proofed, some focus and then hey, an ending would come in handy! I will finish it though then it will be worthy of reading! not to bad for a comment on your post though. :)

Are you still looking for a *good* man? (Dear lord let it be "naw, gave up on one of those but a funny blogger, ehhhh, maybe..." If you do lord then I promise to quit drinking gravy from the ladle!)

Chandan said...

Weighing between good food and a hot female room mate? hmm.... hmm... I would go with the second option, coz
1) I can buy tasty food anywhere outside but women, I can't have acccess to all the time.
2) I am a F'ing vegetarion, so Terry's fridge would do no good to me.

yeah yeah.... I would stick with a (into a) hot female roommate !!!!

Anonymous said...

I agree that good food keeps you satisfied, and you don't have to eat vegan or fat free to be healthy. Last weekend we ate bacon and eggs, then the next day cooked potatoes in the bacon fat. These kinds of breakfasts put Special K to shame! I was full all day, had loads of energy, got a lot done. I eat a lot of real butter and cream. I weigh 120 lbs, just 4 lbs more than I did 30 years ago, and my cholesterol is normal. EAT REAL FOOD PEOPLE!

Maria in Oregon

tammy said...

There are times I wish I would've married a chef.

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

@Chandan - Well See, I actually get to eat the food and but not the room mates. Other wise there would be no hesitation which was better!

@Maria - Amen sister! To my shame I let all those mamby pants "experts" talk me into giving up that food and the funny thing as the "healthier" I ate (according to *them") the more weight I put on". I start putting CREAM AND SUGAR in my coffee (versus coffee mate and 'pink stuff' and start eating food fried in bacon fat and butter (vs margarine and corn oil) and I drop weight at fastest rate I ever had other than stranded in a blizzard or living off jolly ronchers sleeping in my car and it stays off!

I think "they" are full of shit! Literally and figuratively!

@TAMMY - BLASPHEMER. If you were not such a good friend I would have to lead the stoning party to take you down. Since you are a friend I will have to pretend I did not hear that. ONCE! ;) You can ALWAYS go get some gourmet food... Anytime anyware. Jet pilots are LITERALLY one in a million!

OK, clearly, you are having a pork deficiency and and your thoughts are muddled! Lay off the artificial sweeter, eat some pork chops for Jesus (if that line does not make sense SEE THIS POST) and clear your mind. Come back to the light Tammy, baaaaaaack to the light...