Fun with the Government

I am trying to fly home tonight.

Once upon a time I was on some Homeland Security (HS) watch list and I could not make reservations on the internet and I ALWAYS had to go through the full blown prostate exam version of screening before boarding a plane.

Apparently SOME guy named Robert Johnson somewhere made the bulging brains at HS nervous so therefore ANYONE named Robert Johnson had to go through all the crap to travel. (I hear the John Smiths of the world have the same problem)

So a few years ago I gathered up my birth certificate, my military discharge papers, college diplomas etc. etc. and submitted all of them to Homeland Security and they grudgingly admitted that I was not THE Robert Johnson that had them all atwitter and I have been able to fly with my anal virginity relatively intact lo these last couple of years.

Well, unless you have been sleeping in a cave (or perhaps a medical resident?) you are all aware of the attempted Christmas Day bombing of that flight to Detroit last weekend. You know, the guy who had no visa, no passport, no luggage and whose own father called the CIA and warned them about him was able to get on a plane and fly to Detroit with a bomb in his pants.

So now, of course, Robert Johnson’s every where are back on “the” watch list again and can no longer take care of business over the internet and one can only assume the anal probing will begin anew. (I wish I were gay then perhaps flying would be ever so much more fun? Oh, that reminds me, I need to stop and pick up some KY jelly before heading to the airport.)

So the thought occurs to me, I think I am going to ask my Dad to call the CIA and tell them he thinks I am going to attack some Americans. THEN maybe I can get past airport security without having odd bowel movements for several days afterwards again. Yeah, that’s the ticket!