Sunday, June 15, 2008

No Sarcasma for YOU!

Sometimes it’s fun to be an over analytical geek. It can be really fun if you enjoy annoying the pretentious. Yes, that is one of my favorite sins, I know it is wrong but I still enjoy it anyway.

The last time I worked for someone else I had to go to a day of orientation. One of the items of orientation was security. Now I have worked department of defense many times and have held a few security clearances over the years so I grok security.

This place was one of those “10-10” dial around long distance providers you may remember from the ancient days when telephones had copper wires. Does anyone remember "Al Bundy" doing those commercials? That was us.

So, this is not exactly your bastion of security needed kind of place. You know the kind of place I mean? It’s the kind of place that Wal-Mart greeters dream of getting a security guard job at, so they can sit down and sleep instead of having to stand there in the lobby greeting people. That kind of place.

So in struts this cocky little rooster of a man who must have been 23 tops. He introduces himself as “Chief” Someguy (can not remember his name) Already my geeky nerves are all a quiver. This guy just radiates “Totally Self Absorbed Loser” from every poor of his being. He really thinks he is the shit! So already we are natural enemies.

So he starts droning on about the importance of security and how you should never let good manners get in the way of good security. For example never hold the door open for anyone, yes it’s good manners but they need to use their badge to open the door. I am with him so far, I am thinking that thieves sometime sneak in and steal from purses at unattended desks or snag laptops and such so this is a good thing.

However rooster boy said the most profoundly stupid thing I have heard in a long time, he continued, “The person you let in could be a disgruntled employee about to go on a shooting spree. You would not want that on your conscious would you? So it is far better to be rude and not let someone in than to be responsible for the deaths of your co-workers!”


You have got to be kidding right? The “Chief” has clearly been watching too many Steven Segal movies! I am already rolling my eyes but then “Chief” Someguy makes a mistake I bet he never made again, he asked us if there were any questions. Yeah I had just couple so I raised my hand.
“Yes, you have a question?”
“Yeah, uh, if this guy is armed and determined to take out a bunch of people do I want to be the guy who slams a door in his face? Don't you think he would shoot me?"
“Well, yes but then security (the Wal-Mart greeters) would hear the shots and come running.
“Yeah but I am already dead!”
“Uh, well, yes, but you might well have saved others!“
"Won't he just shoot our unarmed guards when they run in?"
"Welll, uhhhh..."
"So is our security philosophy to just run this guy out of ammo before he can get to the managers he was originally after?"
“Besides,” I continue” the guy has a gun and no will to live, so why wouldn’t he just shoot me and take my badge and use it to enter anyway?"
"Well yeah but security will hear and..."
"Will get shot too- Yeah, I think we covered that."
Awkward silence
Then I blurted out another thought, "You know, we have glass doors here (like grocery stores) I mean the guy would just shoot the door and walk in anyway. I mean unless he is management material I really don’t think a guy with a gun is going to be slowed down much by a glass door, right?"

Clearly exasperated with having his fantasies of being Bruce Willis crawling through the ducts to flank the bad guys coming face to face with the basic logic of the real world "The Chief" just barks, "Just don't let anyone in OK?"
"Sure, no problem, I don’t like thieves."

I'll bet that genius is a CEO by now or perhaps high up in the Department of Homeland "Security".


Melek said...

..."He really thinks he is the shit! So already we are natural enemies." made me laugh out loud at that one.

or, you could do like the Seinfeld episode and tell the guy at the door "i dont know you, so i can't let you in..." then the next day you see him sitting in the cube next to you (like Jerry and his bird-owning next door neighbor)

kay said...


i love it when you get to shut up stupid people!! :)

Dizzy Ms. Lizzy said...

This post just made me spit Diet Coke all over my monitor . . . thanks . . . LOL

Melissa said...

If he's a disgruntled employee won't he have his own badge to get in the door? Yeah, I know details....;)

Laughed out loud, seriously!

Robin said...

So the disgruntled employee is perfectly willing to murder, breaking a glass door is just, you know, wrong! LOL

Crazymamaof6 said...

maybe the guy used to work for the post office. and was worried about people going postal on him. because he is such a retard.

tammy said...

LOL! I think I ran into him working for TSA at the airport. Mr. Looking So Important while he stood there staring at my cleavage as if a deadly weapon were about to break forth. And why is the rent a cops only have to have a GED?

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Melek- My! Someone seems to have memorized every Seinfeld episode! :)

Kay- It is one of my guilty pleasures! :(

Mz. Lizzy- The phosphoric acid in Diet Coke is an EXCELLENT cleaning agent so no worries! :)

Melissa- Yep, good catch! So many holes in that story! Why “We don’t want things getting stolen.” is just not good enough, he just had to throw the whole “You will be responsible for people DIEING!!” thing out there.

Robin- Clearly there is a mass murders code of conduct we simply are not aware of! :)

CrazyMomma- You have a good point! He would surely be the first target in any shooting spree!

Tammy- Welllllll, we really can’t fault the guy for making *sure* your cleavage was weapon free. Well, at least I can’t fault him for it! :)

Tanya said...

You know, if there are that many "disgruntled employees" at that company I would have some doubts about working there. Perhaps you should ask if you could carry while you are there. Oh wait, its IL, nevermind.