Sometimes it’s fun to be an over analytical geek. It can be really fun if you enjoy annoying the pretentious. Yes, that is one of my favorite sins, I know it is wrong but I still enjoy it anyway.
The last time I worked for someone else I had to go to a day of orientation. One of the items of orientation was security. Now I have worked department of defense many times and have held a few security clearances over the years so I grok security.
This place was one of those “10-10” dial around long distance providers you may remember from the ancient days when telephones had copper wires. Does anyone remember "Al Bundy" doing those commercials? That was us.
So, this is not exactly your bastion of security needed kind of place. You know the kind of place I mean? It’s the kind of place that Wal-Mart greeters dream of getting a security guard job at, so they can sit down and sleep instead of having to stand there in the lobby greeting people. That kind of place.
So in struts this cocky little rooster of a man who must have been 23 tops. He introduces himself as “Chief” Someguy (can not remember his name) Already my geeky nerves are all a quiver. This guy just radiates “Totally Self Absorbed Loser” from every poor of his being. He really thinks he is the shit! So already we are natural enemies.
So he starts droning on about the importance of security and how you should never let good manners get in the way of good security. For example never hold the door open for anyone, yes it’s good manners but they need to use their badge to open the door. I am with him so far, I am thinking that thieves sometime sneak in and steal from purses at unattended desks or snag laptops and such so this is a good thing.
However rooster boy said the most profoundly stupid thing I have heard in a long time, he continued, “The person you let in could be a disgruntled employee about to go on a shooting spree. You would not want that on your conscious would you? So it is far better to be rude and not let someone in than to be responsible for the deaths of your co-workers!”
You have got to be kidding right? The “Chief” has clearly been watching too many Steven Segal movies! I am already rolling my eyes but then “Chief” Someguy makes a mistake I bet he never made again, he asked us if there were any questions. Yeah I had just couple so I raised my hand.
“Yes, you have a question?”
“Yeah, uh, if this guy is armed and determined to take out a bunch of people do I want to be the guy who slams a door in his face? Don't you think he would shoot me?"
“Well, yes but then security (the Wal-Mart greeters) would hear the shots and come running.
“Yeah but I am already dead!”
“Uh, well, yes, but you might well have saved others!“
"Won't he just shoot our unarmed guards when they run in?"
"So is our security philosophy to just run this guy out of ammo before he can get to the managers he was originally after?"
“Besides,” I continue” the guy has a gun and no will to live, so why wouldn’t he just shoot me and take my badge and use it to enter anyway?"
"Well yeah but security will hear and..."
"Will get shot too- Yeah, I think we covered that."
Then I blurted out another thought, "You know, we have glass doors here (like grocery stores) I mean the guy would just shoot the door and walk in anyway. I mean unless he is management material I really don’t think a guy with a gun is going to be slowed down much by a glass door, right?"
Clearly exasperated with having his fantasies of being Bruce Willis crawling through the ducts to flank the bad guys coming face to face with the basic logic of the real world "The Chief" just barks, "Just don't let anyone in OK?"
"Sure, no problem, I don’t like thieves."
I'll bet that genius is a CEO by now or perhaps high up in the Department of Homeland "Security".