Awwwwwwww.

Yeah, it's a bit cheesy and yes, it's a bit contrived but it makes me all happy anyway! {sniff}



See? There IS hope for guys with thinning hair. {sniff}

Fun with the Government

I am trying to fly home tonight.

Once upon a time I was on some Homeland Security (HS) watch list and I could not make reservations on the internet and I ALWAYS had to go through the full blown prostate exam version of screening before boarding a plane.

Apparently SOME guy named Robert Johnson somewhere made the bulging brains at HS nervous so therefore ANYONE named Robert Johnson had to go through all the crap to travel. (I hear the John Smiths of the world have the same problem)

So a few years ago I gathered up my birth certificate, my military discharge papers, college diplomas etc. etc. and submitted all of them to Homeland Security and they grudgingly admitted that I was not THE Robert Johnson that had them all atwitter and I have been able to fly with my anal virginity relatively intact lo these last couple of years.

Well, unless you have been sleeping in a cave (or perhaps a medical resident?) you are all aware of the attempted Christmas Day bombing of that flight to Detroit last weekend. You know, the guy who had no visa, no passport, no luggage and whose own father called the CIA and warned them about him was able to get on a plane and fly to Detroit with a bomb in his pants.

So now, of course, Robert Johnson’s every where are back on “the” watch list again and can no longer take care of business over the internet and one can only assume the anal probing will begin anew. (I wish I were gay then perhaps flying would be ever so much more fun? Oh, that reminds me, I need to stop and pick up some KY jelly before heading to the airport.)

So the thought occurs to me, I think I am going to ask my Dad to call the CIA and tell them he thinks I am going to attack some Americans. THEN maybe I can get past airport security without having odd bowel movements for several days afterwards again. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Fun with Google

Did you ever wonder how the Google search engine works! Why with pigeons of course! I mean DUH! Don’t believe me? Well just let google.com explain it to you…

http://www.google.com/technology/pigeonrank.html

See? I just can't believe you ever doubted me!

Need a job? Google is hiring for its Lunar HiDeHiDeHo project!

http://www.google.com/jobs/lunar_job.html

Now who does not like FREE? Google has free (and mostly sanitary) wireless Internet available! Check it out!

(be sure to click the “Getting Started” button…)

http://www.google.com/tisp/

(and everyone made fun of that Senator for referring to the internet as a series of pipes! Clearly he was simply a Google TISP user!)

Looking for Romance? Why look anywhere other than Google?

http://www.google.com/romance/

(Oh, do NOT miss the "Take the Tour" link!)

Mmmmm, troubleshooting charts!

OK, nerds just love troubleshooting charts!

So compact, so concise, yet oh so full of sooooo much yummy, tasty knowledge! Mmmmmmmmm.

In fact I got to use one last night to help figure out what was wrong with Erica's oven. Ahhhhh, the perfect Sunday night entertainment! :)

So I thought I would share this handy new years eve troubleshooting chart with you.

Click it to enlarge then print it out and keep it handy.

Just another friendly service offered to you by Nerdyredneck inc.!

Crap?

Ok, I know computer people are weird, in fact I revel in it but today I was actually surprised by how weird a moment I had with a programmer.

It’s Friday morning and we are riding the elevator up and out of the blue in a depressing monotone he says, “Crap it’s Friday! I’ll be bored all weekend.”

Oh.My.GAWD.

I must bow before his awe inspiring nerdyness. I hereby pass on the slide rule of justice to the new alpha nerd. Don't feel bad for me either, suddenly, I no longer want to be the alpha nerd.

Dependency

I suppose with all addictions you never know just how addicted you are until you can no longer get your fix. For example I used to smoke. I always said and completely believed that I could quit smoking anytime I wanted too. I found out the hard way how wrong I was about that (finding out the hard way seems to be a personality trait of mine. :) )

I was 16 still living on the farm in Nebraska and I was only a month away from leaving for basic training when we received word that a significant blizzard was heading our way. So we ran into town and stocked up on groceries and settled in for the fun.

It was a doozy of a blizzard too. We got (as I recall) a couple of feet of snow but the winds were the killer. There was white out conditions for several days as the winds continued to howl long after the snow stopped. The winds were so strong they torn the storm door off the back porch. Of course high winds defeat the road clearing crews as the snow continually drifts back over cleared surfaces. Then of course the gravel rural roads are the lowest priority to clear as they get so little use. So as I recall we were snowed in for about two weeks.

For some odd reason when we stocked up on groceries I forgot to get cigarettes. Even as I was smoking the last of my cigs I was not concerned. I mean I could quit anytime I wanted to right?



Oh boy did I find out how bad I was hooked. At first I did not associate the restlessness and the inability to feel satisfied after eating with not having any smokes. After a period of time though as I started to jones badly there was no doubt in my mind that I WANTED A CIGARETTE DAMNIT!

My Aunts and uncles had lived through the great depression and the rationing of WWII and were tremendous and habitual hoarders. (e.g. when the last of them died and we were cleaning out the house we found over 800 pounds of sugar stashed in one of the bedrooms. They were ready for the next time sugar was rationed for a few years! ) So one of my long deceased Uncles used to smoke and I was sure he would have some smokes stashed somewhere so I started to search and search.

Sure enough I found a carton of non filter Camel’s that were very, very old. The cigarette paper had turned brown and when I started smoking one brown resin started to run from the end of the cig and actually ran down my arm. Oh it tasted horrible to boot!

I did not care; I relished every drag of that smoke as my shattered nerves were soothed and calmed by that hellishly bad cigarette. I never told myself again that I could quit anytime I wanted because I knew better!

I thought of this story because last Saturday night I found out I have another dependency. I went to nuke up lunch in the trusty old microwave and the fan ran, the turntable span and when the timer ran down it beeped as usual but the food was still ice cold. The micro had died. Oh, well, I was already planning a shopping trip Sunday morning so I just mentally tacked microwave on the list.

Saturday night I am standing in front of the fridge deciding on supper when I realized I had almost NOTHING in the house that did not require a microwave! Then I realized how totally addicted I am to the micro! I mean my god; boil a pot of water to make heat Polish sausage instead of just beaming it for 30 seconds? No way!

That was as close as I could get to food that could be cooked “conventionally”. I ended up having cereal and toast for supper. I was jonesing man, totally jonesing!

So just like the amazing discovery when I was 16 that I was completely hooked on nicotine, now I am fully aware that I am totally dependant on having a microwave.

Airplanes don't help bud! :)

This story is a couple of years old but I just thought of it recently. Well I thought of it because I was talking to another aviation nut and mentioned that all in the years I have owned an airplane I have never met a woman who was impressed or more than mildly interested by that. I mean there are plenty of women who would be impressed with say a Corvette yet my plane costs way more than a 'Vette and goes WAY faster than a 'Vette so you would think it would have a least a little sex appeal right? Nope!

Then that reminded of the one time that a lady was impressed by a plane and how fast it turned on me.

Two Januaries ago on a Friday night I was having a few beers at a nice place with a friend/client in Springfield. It was bitterly cold out. I mean sub zero cold!

There was a group of nurses a few tables over celebrating something. I bought a very good looking nurse a drink. I mean she was clearly out of my league but being the optimistic glutton for punishment I am I thought,  "What the heck, give it a shot, you never know..." To my surprise, it worked, she joined us. So the conversation turned to the cold and my friend chimes in with, hey, you ought to fly us all to Florida in your plane so we can get warmed up. (he was a great wingman! lol)

The hot nurse suddenly became VERY attentive, "You have your own plane?!" she asked with widened eyes as she leaned in closer.
"Well yeah."
"So you really could fly us to Florida?" Her body language is really broadcasting her interest now!
"Sure.", doing a little math in my head, "Depending on traffic we could be on the beach in 5 hours"
Oh! Now she is almost purring, "Could we leave right now?"
Oh Rob! You have hit the jackpot here!! (Thanks wingman!) "We could but I have been drinking and I don't fly when I have been drinking. We can leave first thing in the morning though."
"Huh, why don't you fly when you have been drinking?"
I thought that was a strange question especially from a nurse question but I answered, "Well I don't want to be operating a two ton machine going over 200 mph four miles above the Earth while I am impaired"
"What? You mean you fly the plane?"
I am a little confused but answer, "Well sure."
"You don't ride in the back?"
In all nerdy seriousness I answered, "What would be the fun in that?"
Click!
Just like that she was totally uninterested, thanked me for the drink and walked away.

So close and yet so, so far! :)

So that was the only woman I ever met that was at all impressed I owned a plane and as soon as she found out it was not a chauffeured airplane she could not care less anymore.

Damn!

Ok, more one more Tiger joke...

I still really don't care about his personal life but I did see on the news this morning they now have 10 mistress' "identified". Considering his profession I would expect 8 more to show up yet making 18 total.

Arrrr!

Yeah, that's utterly horrible but I simply could not resist!

Define Irony...

See the full article here but the opening sentence is funny enough!

"WASHINGTON — It's hardly the image of transparency the Obama administration wants to project: A workshop on government openness is closed to the public."

Classic!

Of course in that long list of Obama's failures to be "transparent" they left out how NASA, a publicly funded research organizations no less, has refused for two years now to release their methodology on how they "massage" global climate data. In the fallout of the "Climategate" NASA of all government agencies should be Johnny on the spot in releasing non-classified non-military data and methodologies. I mean dissemination is the very heart of modern science. Right? Right?

(Sorry! I veered off funny and got serious there for a parargraph, please forgive me!)

Just do it!

My only thoughts on the whole Tiger Woods media manufactured debacle is why would Nike drop it’s sponsorship of Tiger over this?

After all he just lived up to the Nike slogan! “Just do it!”

And he did "Just do it", over and over again.

So what’s the problem?

What do ya know bout dat?

It snowed in Dallas BEFORE it snowed in Springfield this year.

Wow!

follow the link...Snow in Dallas...in December? Weird! It's just now fall in Dallas let alone snow!

Management Think #7

Ok so I was in Wally world and I spy these cute little chairs. They fold flat, they look comfy and they are only $20. Hmmmmm.

As we all know looks can be deceiving so I want to see if they really are comfy before I buy. So I went to take one of the displays models off the shelf so I can sit in it and check it out.

What the heck? They have the display models screwed to the shelf.

Yet, YET, there are two big stacks setting right under the displays loose and free. Why in the hell would you screw two of them down when you have a bunch more sitting right there in a loose stack? Do people not think things through anymore? Gah!

Anyway, they were NOT comfortable so I did not buy any.