Saddest party EVER

 

 

Text Stalker!

My littlest sister has this knack for not putting me in her phones contacts so every single time I text her I get a "Who is this?"

So, in my style I sent a couple of weird yet hilarious texts to both of my sisters referencing the need for a possible prostate exam. The one sister replied, yet again, "Who is this?"

In frustration I replied "Jesus!"

I got a text back asking for clarification about Jesus needing a prostate exam. So I went back with something about Jesus being older now etc. Basically I just went off on this Monty-Python-ish utterly nonsensical rif revolving around the theme of Jesus not dieing at 33 and getting on in years; One text was something like,"Well I am 2046 years old now but you know I still love you, right! 

Oh how I giggled as I sent out each text. I dropped little hints here and there as to who the real texter was. I also said "I love you" several times as well being my littlest sis and all. I was surprised my sis was not catching on. She is pretty sharp after all and this has been going on about a week. In fact, at times I was sure she did know who it was and was just playing dumb as part of the ongoing joke. 

So yesterday I texted her and got a pretty nasty response back. I thought, OK! She does not know it's me after all and I have pushed this joke as far as it can go but still being miffed that she NEVER knows it's me instead of just saying "it's your bother silly!" I made a post on her face book page referencing "old Jesus". Then she would KNOW it was me.

No response.

Uh oh, I must have *really* ticked her off! sharing DNA with her and all I know that can be serious! So today I called her to make amends.

Welllllll. Little sis did not let me know her number had changed and I got a hold of this seriously befuddled women who thought she was being cyber stalked by some psycho with a Jesus complex who was in love with her!

She was, uhhhhh, a bit peevish, yeah. She was about to call the law on me. In fact, the only reason she had not is my number was out of state and she did not know what law to call!

Yeah we both ended up laughing as I explained it all to her but I feel really bad for scaring her.

Damn those were funny texts just totally wasted!

Angie’s list; Here is a bad review!

You know, there are a host of websites out there where you can review services around you and read other people’s reviews; Google, Yelp, Yahoo, etc. Most of them are free.

“Angie’s List” charges you to be a member.

In a world full of free reviews sites why would you pay to be on “Angie’s List”?   Well they advertise quite heavily that they do not accept advertising so they are unbiased! That appealed to me so I signed up.

Well like Subway’s Foot long sub it turns out Angie’s list is misleading the public as well! ! Ever since I signed up I get one or two spam e-mails from Angie’s List per week advertising specials from companies providing services I searched on recently. Hmmmmm.

So is Angie’s List spamming me with local vendors out of the goodness of their hearts? They are offering targeted advertising to local companies as a charity service or do you think maybe those companies are paying Angie’s list advertising?

I suppose there may be some legal distinction between spamming and ‘advertising’ so Angie’s list can legally get away with this but since I am not a lawyer I will just call it what it is- Angie’s List is a lie. They do advertise vendors services so there is no reason to pay them to read their reviews. Stick with the free reviews. They take advertiser money too but at least they are honest about it!

So I give Angie’s list an F. They are engaging in deceptive advertising and spamming their customers. I mean if you want to pay to get spam while getting nothing else you can’t get for free elsewhere Then Angie’s list is for you!

They Walk Among Us!

Many people have long suspected aliens were slowly infiltrating Earth! So many people believe this that they even made the MIB movies!

One could reasonably propose that those movies were really an effort to defuse the whole concept of the existence of The MIB and therefore alien infiltration. If you bring it up now you are just silly! A brilliant ploy eh?  

Well I think I have proof that at least one species of alien life do walk among us! Those brilliant alien bastards even got unsuspecting humans to copy their camouflage technique as a fashion statement making it that much harder to spot the real enemy!

That is true brilliance people!  How can we defeat such high intellect?

SEE THE TRUTH!

So who is crazy now? Huh? Huh? 

It's Just So Yummy-ummy Girlfriend!

Here at work they accidentally stocked the coffee machine with “French Vanilla” coffee. (whatever the hell that is, vanilla don’t grow in France!)

Normally that is way too fru-fru for me! However, since I am an avowed caffeine junkie AND just way too cheap to buy my own coffee I have kept drinking it all week.  At first I hated it but now I am really appreciating all the subtle overtones in this blend. The soft woody overtones with the nutty after glow. There are just so many little flavors coming to the party! It really makes me feel warm and secure.

Suddenly I started having an opinion on “Dancing with the Stars”.

Then I started noticing how men dress and I find myself comparing their hairstyles and shoes to one an another. I am finding that occasionally guys with better clothes/hair/shoes make me angry! (Bastards!) 

Then last night instead of a shower I ran a bath. I have NEVER used the bathtub in my house before! I always shower. Then just as I started to get into the tub I got a sudden urge and broke out a couple of candles from my "ice storm" supply cache! 

As I sat soaking in the tub in the flickering candle light I wondered what was happening to me. Then I relaxed and let the warmth flow over me and forgot all about it. I slept soooo good last night!

Today, after one full work week of French Vanilla coffee, the guy who sits across from me has started bringing me coffee and smiling at me... a lot.

Should I be worried?

People are so complicated.

True story! 

I was just in the company cafeteria nuking my lunch. I had some left over meat balls I brought from home. Even micro-waved they smelled AWESOME!  

So two ladies are standing nearby talking about how expensive the cafeteria food is and how they did not want to eat there. So being the helpful guy I am I just playfully said, well you ladies are welcome to some of my meatballs if you like.

 A bit of a snotty smirk and "No thanks" was the reply. 

I was wondering why the snotty reply as I took about three steps and I froze! It just hit me - I just committed sexual harassment at work!!! Holy shit! She was going to go to HR! Oh no. Do something!
 

So I turned back around, uncovered my dish and held it out so they could see and said "Just to be clear, I really do have meat balls." The one lady looked at me quizzically for a second then blushed then started laughing so hard she doubled over" 

Only then did I realize my  "clarification" only made it worse.  Gah! 

People are so complicated.