Gainfully Unemployed (part II)

One long neglected job was carpet cleaning! This one is a two-fer! Since your carpet actually changes color after it's first shampooing in half a decade it's like getting new carpet! The other part is you don't have to go to the gym, it's a GREAT workout.

As an extra bonus you sleep well afterwards too!

Step one, move all the furniture to "The boy's" former room... A few notes here on furniture moving…

If you all are not familiar with Freecycle it's a great program where basically you list anything that may have *some* value even though you do not want it anymore and before you throw it away you list it and maybe someone else wants it and can use it. Then they come pick it up.

Basically it’s like an internet garage sale where instead of selling the bike for a dollar you just give it away free and you don’t have to put signs up all over then stand in the front yard all weekend. :)

So, I was a Freecycle maniac on my break! I listed over a dozen items that otherwise were going to the dump and people came and picked up all but one item. (Sadly that one item was the one I most wanted to keep out of the dump but say la vie)

So I did not move ALL the furniture! :)

Then this is the point where a little surprise entered the old game plan...

All this massive cleaning and remodeling was based on the concept that this was my house now. No one else to mess it up while I was gone so all of this effort was going to be worth it. This is when I hear those words that will make any father's heart sag, "Dad, would it be OK if I moved back in?"

Ugh! After all this work, NOW he wants to move back in!? Sigh.

Well, I can’t say no so after a LONG hard talk about how this house will REMAIN clean and not revert to the state I found it in we agreed that he would be my maid in exchange for rent. The job started immediately!

Clean those carpets boy-o! lol! Some guys my age have much cuter maids with far less facial hair. I need to work on that.



Oh yeah- those curtains are next are the "gone list". I never liked them and they will not last much longer. (BTW- that was a HUGE fight back in the day- "Maroon valances with off white curtains????? Are they slipping crack into your coffee or what?" he asked ever so lovingly )

I would also point out to all my northern friends that this picture was taken in January and if you will look past the "so-ugly-they-should-be-crimes-against-humanity" curtains you will notice the windows are open and we were in shorts and barefooted! It was in the 80's that day.

After the carpets were done I tackled all the shrubbery. Due to neglect on my part many of the shrubs were so overgrown I actually broke out the chain saw and trimmed them way back so they can grow out properly again. They look really horrible now but when they grow back out it will be worth it.

Even after all my fevered freelisting I ended up taking two truckloads of crap to the dump! I do mean CRAP. The majority of this stuff should have gone into the trash can a little at a time over the last decade but I was dealing with a horder/pack rack rat type personality.

I swear I could feel the foundation of the house quiver a bit as the loading was removed and it reached a new equilibrium!

And yeah, if you can take the excitement there will be a part III! :(

Gainfully Unemployed (part 1)

Welp, I was "between contracts" from Christmas until Jan 20th.

So for an odd change of pace I was actually living in my own house in the Dallas area for a few weeks! :) I have not been in my house in Dallas this many days in a row since July of 07.

I thought I would get a lot of blogging in while I was home and unemployed but it did not turn out that way.

I have been working in Illinois for 2 1/2 years now. My adult son has lived in the house off and on during that two years mostly unsupervised. He has not lived there for the last 6 months and I figured he was gone for good this time so I thought it was time to get serious and and whip the house into shape during my "vacation"!

The first thing I tackled that has annoyed me for a long time is my crappy old sink.




So off I go to Lowes and after much browsing of the 250 sinks and 4,821 faucets they have on display this is what I went with. 10 1/2 inches deep, commercial grade 18 gauge stainless steel with all commercial fittings. This sink, Twinkies and cockroaches are all that will survive the holocaust!



Waaaaaaaay better eh? :)

The next step was a new dishwasher. I did not start that way. I tried to fix the old one then I actually went and paid $71 for an appliance repairman to come to the house and tell me to just get a new one- I would be way better off!

So off I go to Lowes again! Oh the salesperson was gooooooood!

You see- I am a Wal-Mart man. I always buy cheap and then often regret it. This sharp sales lady saw a single man looking at the cheap dishwashers then gracefully steered me right over to the expensive ones- My shields immediately went up when I saw what price neighborhood we were in on that row but she started showing me all the cool GADGETS on this miracle of modern engineering and she hooked me! Then she just reeled me in! I realize this is a terribly unmanly thing to say but my new dishwasher is just totally cool! Yeah, she was that good!



It has triple filtration with easily removable and cleanable filter elements, three, count them, three spray arms, there is a digital readout on the rinse agent level (no more guessing!), all the racks are adjustable and/or removable so you can fold everything flat and have one BIG rack or... Oh, I will just stop now and just emphasize again how cool and manly my stainless STEEL (inside and out!) dishwasher is and leave it at that! (and just in case you did not know, STEEL always rates very high on the manly scale!)

Now to top it all off I also bought a new stove. I will NOT show you the before picture this time! That one is just way to embarrassing even for a single man but here is the new one...



So back to Lowes and the same sales lady and she already knew what worked on me! :) Sealed cook top with 5 variable sized burners and even though they are electric the heat is nearly instantaneous. The oven has a recirculation fan so this is either a convection or fast cook oven. The oven also has multiple temperature sensors so the top heating element and the bottom heating element work independently to maintain a constant temperature through out the oven!

Oh, and yes, it has a lot of stainless STEEL! Weeeeee!

It was funny, the day after my three major purchases in less than a week I walked in the door of Lowes just to get some new light bulbs and the manager is at my side going, "How are you doing today Mr. Johnson? What can we help you with today sir? Light bulbs? Let me help you with that Mr. Johnson!"

Funny how much attention you can get during an economic downturn when you have a credit card and you are not afraid to use it!

On that note, how many people are crazy enough to remodel their kitchen while they are unemployed? At least one! :(

Oh, that microwave over the stove is not new but I spent several hours working on that one! There is an inner metal door to stop the radiation but the outer door panel is plastic. Being over the stove it was awfully grease encrusted and the plastic outer door was broken in several places and hanging crooked- the broken door looked really horrible. I spent a day rebuilding the outer door and well over an hour with three different "grease cutting" cleaners before I finally got it to my definition of clean. Looks pretty good in this picture here after all that work huh?!

After all these pictures were taken I attacked all the back washes with a big nylon brush and Comet soft scrub (I came to really love Comet Soft Scrub (with lemon!) durign my cleaning adventures!) Then I ended up stripping and replacing all that old cracked silicone caulking. Then I scrubbed and pine oiled all the cabinets.

The last kitchen task was to empty out the fridge, tilt it over and to clean all the gunk out from the machinery under it so it would run better and last longer then of course, I scrubbed the living crap out of it inside and out too!

For the week and a half I was at home after I got the kitchen done every morning was a joy! I would sit at the kitchen table, eat breakfast and drink coffee while my kitchen just sparkled and gleamed. Ahhhhhhh, you can't get that kind of satisfaction at a keyboard!

That is enough for now- more on this exciting topic later! ;)

Creative Marketing!

I just heard an ad on the radio in Dallas that cracked me up! It actually took me a few seconds to process it and 'get it' then when it finally clicked for me I laughed out loud.

It's seems that in honor of the impending inauguration of Obama a local laser hair removal outfit is having a big "farewell to bush" sales event.

I admit it, it did not click for me for a bit so maybe that is why I enjoyed it so much once I finally did get it! :)

Good marketing!

Movie reviews

Movie reviews are not my bit here but I have recently seen two movies that were certainly blog worthy each in their own way.

The Saturday before last I saw the remake of "The Day the Earth Stood Still".

Since the original is an absolute classic I KNEW I would be disappointed but I had to follow the Jennifer Connelly rule - I see anything with Jennifer Connelly in it. :)

So I was ready to be disappointed but WOW! This thing was a total stink fest. This thing was "StarGate" bad! What am I saying? This was seeing your grandma naked bad!

Since I knew my perceptions were warped by my low expectations I asked other people in the lobby afterwards what they thought. The kindest answer I got was "It could of been better". The unkindest answer I got was "That was so bad I am offended!"

After I saw the movie I checked the tomato meter. 17% - wow!

You know, there was not even a day when the Earth 'stood still' in the stupid remake. So the title does not even makes sense in the context of this movie! Gah!

It was soooo bad it actually made me sad. All the money and effort of so many people that go into a major movie and to have all of that money and labor turn into such a total piece of crap is a sad thing not to mention what it does to the legacy of such a classic movie.

Very sad.

On a better note I saw "Gran Torino" this Saturday. I don't want to give much away but like another Eastwood flick, "Million Dollar Baby", this one does not end how you think it will.

It is very rare to hear applause in a movie theater when the end credits roll but that is what I heard Saturday.

The other thing I liked about this movie is that it brought back some fond memories of my blue collar "working man" days. The easy camaraderie and back and forth of loving insults amongst men who work for a living. I have been a white collar "professional" for so long now I almost forgot how much fun it used to be to go to work and be crude- and it was OK.

Our world has become so very PC now and that movie reminded me of how things were when non-PC things could be said as long as they were not maliciously intended. (Of course, don't get me wrong, Clint Eastwood's character was mostly malicious! :) )

Anyway, to sum this post up, DON'T see "The Day the Earth Stood Still" and DO see "Gran Torino"

Road Ranting!

As opposed to road rage so this is a healthy vent!

I came home to Dallas from Springfield on Christmas day. I don't have any signed contracts in Springfield so I am going to be here at home for a little while so I drove home instead of flying so I have something to drive at home.

Ok, this is a two part rant...

1) What ever happened to slower traffic keep right? When did we lose the concept that the left lane on the interstate was a PASSING lane? I mean every one loses focus now and then so it's understandable that you forget and pace the car in the right lane for a while but seriously, I had to pass many people on the right on the trip home and not only is that horrible etiquette it's against the law.

I think some people appoint themselves traffic monitors and deliberately try to block traffic with the rationale that if "I'm doing the speed limit then they should not pass me"

The irony there is that little Miss (or Mister) self appointed law enforcer is breaking two laws by trying to enforce the speed limit law.

"Slower traffic keep right" is an absolute, not a relative or even an IF condition! It's not, "Slower traffic keep right unless you are going the speed limit" it's just KEEP RIGHT- period- end of discussion.

When I was a kid in Missouri cops used to actually write tickets if you were passed on the right. You got a "obstructing traffic" ticket. I have spent enough time in St. Louis to know Missouri cops do not write this ticket any more. I travel quite a bit and I think it is safe to say Missourians are the absolute worse group for ignoring this bit of driving etiquette.

On to the next topic...

2) People, use your freaking cruise control on the interstate huh?

I only know of one individual car built in the last 20 years that does not have one and how Erika managed to find a modern car without one boggles me a little.

If you are NOT going to use your cruise control or have one of the six cars in the known universe without one then please, follow one of the 99.9999% of the cars on the road with one!

This little rant comes about because of people who slowly pass you then (properly) move into the right lane in front of you then slow down! So then I have to pass them again then they will pass me again! Rinse and repeat!

This happened several times during the trip but there was one person I swear I passed 5 or 6 times on the Oklahoma turnpike before I got so sick of it I tromped on the gas and went extra fast for about 10 minutes to get him out of sight behind me. Then I let the cruise control take over again at the same speed where he had been pacing me. It took him about 15 minutes to catch up to me, get in front of me and slow down again. GAH! WTF??!!

It's a good thing I don't have telekinesis because I swear I would have mentally ruptured several small blood vessels in his forehead, hopefully leaving a scarlet LAL! on his forehead for a few weeks. (LAL=Lame Ass Loser!)

Ah what a sweet Christmas day memory! :)

Isn't it amazing how just the little things that can make you completely crazy on a 13 hour 800 mile drive?

Ok, thanks, I feel better now! :)

Holiday Nutrition Advice

The following holiday eating tips are provided as a public service from Nerdyredneck Inc.:

For maximum holiday joy please be sure to follow label directions carefully!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately as you are clearly dealing with an amauter! Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. Besides- the nog crop failed this year so eggnog is in very short supply. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-oholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whipping cream. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hell-lOOoo?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like say, frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean seriously, have some standards!

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "To enjoy the full flavor of life one must take big bites. Moderation is for monks." - Robert Heinlein


Merry Christmas everyone!

Rob

Christmas hi-jinks

This post was inspired by the awesome video on Robin’s page: Abfab Geek

After I was already working on this post I got a related video in the old e-mail...



OK, to the story - two things about me, I am stubborn as can be and I am playful and love practical jokes.

So my two traits combined one Christmas...

One time way back when the cable company TOTALLY pissed me off. I VOWED I would never have cable again. Folks, I take these kinds of VOWS pretty seriously! :) In Dallas it’s not too hard to avoid cable as there are about 15 on air channels available. As long as Star Trek was on I was happy.

So about 10 years ago as my income was coming up and things are getting good for us financially I asked the wife what would she like for Christmas. She got a very serious look on her face- then looked me dead in the eye and she says in a dead pan voice, “I only want one thing and I want it really badly- I want cable TV again.”
Oh no! “But honey you know I swore an oath of vengeance against them! NEVER!, Vendetta baby vendetta!. C’mon, what else would you like?”
“Cable TV”
“Oh darling you are killing me! Surely there is SOMETHING anything you would like more- How about a diamond?”
“End this, this Sicilian thing and get me cable!”
Egads!

Oh I was so deeply conflicted. My wife wanted cable and she deserved cable so I should get her cable. Yet getting her cable would violate my sacred and inner principles- To ever write a check to cable for TV again would cleave my spirit in twain! Such a choice, it really came down to my wife’s happiness or my happiness. So I was going to get her cable but I was miserable about it.

Then inspiration from, one can only assume, God struck in the form of a television commercial! Mini-dish satellite! Dish Network! Now 10 years ago this was still pretty new technology and pretty pricey but I knew what the wife really wanted was the programming and did not care about the delivery method and if I got Dish Network my sacred vows would remain intact! Oh yes, nerdy redneck problem solving at its best!

In fact the mini-satellite is WAY better than cable for TV- 4 or 5 times as many channels for less money plus I was full digital TV 10 years ago via mini-dish! So I bought a Dish and a couple of receivers.

Here is where the hi-jinks comes in though. I did not want her to know she had gotten it. So I bought a floor waxer and a new iron for her, wrapped them and put them under the tree a week in advance so she could wonder what they were.

I was building a plane out in the garage back then so blending in the satellite equipment with all the plane pieces was a no brainer and my secret was safe. So at like 3:00 AM Christmas morning I went out to the garage and got the satellite dish and hid it behind the Christmas tree!

So next morning we are opening presents. She gets the iron open and I can see the disappointment on her face but she quickly recovers and says, “Ohhh, how did you know I needed a new iron?”
“Oh darling, I am so in touch with your needs I could tell you were unhappy with the old iron.” Oh I was so proud of that line! :)
“Hmmmmm, well that’s sweet.”, she said through only mildly clenched lips- but the BIG box still awaited her so she was not too pouty yet - what could be in such a large box!?
When she saw the floor waxer I saw the flash of anger but I was very proud at what a good job she did pretending she REALLY liked it. Now her lips were only loosely clenched but you had to be WAY more out of touch with people than I am to not feel the vibes she was radiating. She was NOT a happy women.

Man I was working so hard to not smile or let on and just kept playing the oblivious male role until she finally said, “Well, I guess we better clean this mess up.”
“Well, we don’t have all the presents opened yet, we should clean up after all the presents are open.”
“What? There are no more?”
“Are you sure? You better look under the tree better!
She knew me well enough that at that point she know there was something good coming! So she gets on hands and knees and starts really looking- when she spots the dish through the foliage she made a happy squeal!

Have you ever seen a woman dance around the front room with a satellite dish before? I have!

So I think in the end she was glad she did not hit me with the iron or the floor waxer after all!

Note to men, an iron was poor choice as a gag gift because had she hit me with it it could have been serious. I would recommend a feather duster as a better gag gift (We really did need a new iron though)

Save a Tree?

We have recently became aware of a disturbing new chic trend. Like many chic-ish trends it makes no sense and we would like to take a moment to explain why.

We have recently became aware that lazy inconsiderate people who do not care about the others in their life’s are using the lame excuse that they are “saving trees” for not sending cards to the people who love them so deeply.

We think it is very important for all of you to understand that the only tree's used to make Christmas Cards were clinically depressed and committed suicide first! We only tried valiantly to put their sad and lonely cadavers to a happy use by making cards out of them.

Why were they depressed and commit suicide in the first place you may wonder? Well, because they did not receive any cards from selfish eco-chic loved ones so they felt totally unloved and alone in a vast uncaring world at the most lonely time of the year!

So just think about that for a few minutes- Just how many more tress must die of depression in solitude before you start sending cards again and letting your loved ones know you did actually think of them for the 14 measly seconds it took for you to send them a card? How much tree blood and bitter loneliness will your idle hands bring into this world before you stop this selfish hateful insanity!?

As long as cards are on the shelves you will know trees are still depressed and dyeing! So buy some cards now you damned selfish hateful tree killer!

Signed,
Hallmark



(sorry Michelle, I took my comment made my own post out of it- Yeah I’m lazy- what’s your point?)

More winter fun..

Because with a temp here in balmy Central Illinois of 1 degree F (-17 C) combined with 30 mph winds (48 kph) it is either laugh or scream and since my throat is already so raw from screaming I say let's try laughing for just a bit!

Can you believe that video? She is not wearing any gloves? Freak!

This one takes a little longer to set up (41 seconds) but I like! Enjoy!

Snorkeling in Minnesota

I am not sure but alcohol may have been involved.

Ahhhhh Karma!

Yesterday the weather forecast here in Springburg, Illinois was full of the news of the impending ice storm. They were forecasting a ¼ inch of freezing rain.

I was concerned about it. I mean it does not change anything but it can be a HUGE pain in the ass plus the odds of breaking your car skyrocket not to mention power outages and such. So it was big news around the office yesterday

So a couple of co-workers were setting in my brilliantly decorated office yesterday talking about the impending doom but one of them, Jay, was all bravado, “Oh I can see how some freezing rain would worry a Texan but for people who live in Illinois this is old hat.“
I replied, “ You can pull that off when talking about snow but ice? Ice is a nearly frictionless surface, I don’t care how long you have driven on it or how good your technique is or what kind of vehicle you drive ice will get you. Ice is the great equalizer!”
“Naw, you Texans are just winter wimps! I can drive on a sheet of ice all day long!”

Welllllllll, guess who slid into another employee’s car in the parking lot right in front of the building in full view of everyone?

Oh man my irony meter pegged out!

I parked my car this morning and came into work. Later when I went outside to help Mr. Illinoisians-can-drive-on-ice I noticed that my car while parked with no one in it had slid down the incline and was resting against another car. Seriously slick stuff here!

FINALLY!

He finally did it! Yay! Run little guy run! Be Free!

Assumptions

Did you see this in the news?

Recently a class of young children were asked to draw Mommy working.

The teacher was quite alarmed at the following art work.



For some reason the teacher was quite concerned about what the daughter was learning from mommy so the teacher called the Mommy in and confronted her!

Turns out Mom had earned her daughters adoration for helping so many people out by selling snow shovels at the Home Depot after the the first big snow storm of the year!

Why? What were YOU thinking? Shame on you for being so dirty minded!



PS- No, it was not really a news story! Tip 'o the hat once again to Major Tom for the post inspiration!

.

Phoning it in!

Yeah, I have to be in class all day today so no time for original work so yeah, I am phoning it in! :)

There have been a LOT of “motivational posters” going around the last few weeks. It’s quite the fad.

Let me throw a couple of my favorites out here in case you have not seen them!

Did I mention I was phoning this in? :)

This first one may be too esoteric for the masses but as a gamer it REALLY hits home…




No one else may find this one funny either but since these guys are/were the natural enemy of nerds everywhere this one rolls me every time I look at it! :)





Oh and this one is soooooooo wrong on so many levels! You will laugh but you may not like yourself for it! :)







Now I don’t care who you are, THIS one is just plain funny unless of course you are an angry dog!



(Clearly photo shopped but that in no way diminishes it's comedic value!)

The Brick Lady

This post started as a comment to this post

Does everyone know what doorbell ditching is?

It's when you ring the doorbell and RUN!

When we were from about 10 up to maybe 13 years old this was me and my best friend Mike's favorite form of free entertainment.

Of course we also considered it a form of social justice. We did not do it to anyone nice, just the perpetually angry people who were always yelling at you to get off their lawn or get out of that tree or turn down that damn hippie music or what not. (so Minxy just what have you been doing to those kids? ;) )

So there was one grumpy old one lady we *loved* to ditch. She was right on our normal route so we would get her darned near daily!

Oh boy did she teach us a lesson though! The conniving old bat was pretty sharp too!

She let her grass grow a little long. Not so long as you would risk neighbors complaining but well over ankle tall. Then she scattered clay bricks through out her front yard. In the dark the tallish grass concealed them nicely.

So ring the door bell and start running! About three strides in you stub your toes on a brick and you go down wondering "What the hell did I hit?" You know you need to be gone though and now you are behind the curve so you get up and run even faster with throbbing toes, go about six strides and step half on a brick half off and down you go again! Again you are quite confused, you have ran over this smooth lawn many times- "what am I hitting?" you wonder but you are panicked because you know you should be long gone by now not laying in her yard! So you get up, run a little more then down you go again.


By then she was on her front porch howling with laughter while choking out, "That'll teach you little bastards! AH HA HA HA HA!"

Grudging respect was earned. To this very day we still refer to her as "The Brick Lady" and we never ditched her again!