I am making and installing shelves in a closet for more hoarding storage space. 

The arthritis in my knees hurt so every 20 minutes or so I sit down to take a "knee break". To maintain maximum efficiency while l am sitting I carefully think through and organize my next major fuck up! 

I mean we can't just be fucking shit up at random now, can we! No, we can not!

Jumping on the bandwagon...

I don't often read the instructions but when I do,
you know I have really screwed something up.  

I Finally Figured it Out!

After nigh on a decade of trying to figure out a good way to open the vacuum packed will-survive-the-holocaust packaging they put so many products into these days I finally hit on a sure fire trick!

I mean in the past I have tried knives, scissors, carpet knives, razors and just all kinds of stuff and depending on the package you get mixed results but it is NEVER easy!

Well I got it now! Easy as pie! All you need is a $200 power band saw!

Of course, you should have seen the packaging THAT came in! Oy Vey!

Saddest party EVER

 

 

Text Stalker!

My littlest sister has this knack for not putting me in her phones contacts so every single time I text her I get a "Who is this?"

So, in my style I sent a couple of weird yet hilarious texts to both of my sisters referencing the need for a possible prostate exam. The one sister replied, yet again, "Who is this?"

In frustration I replied "Jesus!"

I got a text back asking for clarification about Jesus needing a prostate exam. So I went back with something about Jesus being older now etc. Basically I just went off on this Monty-Python-ish utterly nonsensical rif revolving around the theme of Jesus not dieing at 33 and getting on in years; One text was something like,"Well I am 2046 years old now but you know I still love you, right! 

Oh how I giggled as I sent out each text. I dropped little hints here and there as to who the real texter was. I also said "I love you" several times as well being my littlest sis and all. I was surprised my sis was not catching on. She is pretty sharp after all and this has been going on about a week. In fact, at times I was sure she did know who it was and was just playing dumb as part of the ongoing joke. 

So yesterday I texted her and got a pretty nasty response back. I thought, OK! She does not know it's me after all and I have pushed this joke as far as it can go but still being miffed that she NEVER knows it's me instead of just saying "it's your bother silly!" I made a post on her face book page referencing "old Jesus". Then she would KNOW it was me.

No response.

Uh oh, I must have *really* ticked her off! sharing DNA with her and all I know that can be serious! So today I called her to make amends.

Welllllll. Little sis did not let me know her number had changed and I got a hold of this seriously befuddled women who thought she was being cyber stalked by some psycho with a Jesus complex who was in love with her!

She was, uhhhhh, a bit peevish, yeah. She was about to call the law on me. In fact, the only reason she had not is my number was out of state and she did not know what law to call!

Yeah we both ended up laughing as I explained it all to her but I feel really bad for scaring her.

Damn those were funny texts just totally wasted!

Angie’s list; Here is a bad review!

You know, there are a host of websites out there where you can review services around you and read other people’s reviews; Google, Yelp, Yahoo, etc. Most of them are free.

“Angie’s List” charges you to be a member.

In a world full of free reviews sites why would you pay to be on “Angie’s List”?   Well they advertise quite heavily that they do not accept advertising so they are unbiased! That appealed to me so I signed up.

Well like Subway’s Foot long sub it turns out Angie’s list is misleading the public as well! ! Ever since I signed up I get one or two spam e-mails from Angie’s List per week advertising specials from companies providing services I searched on recently. Hmmmmm.

So is Angie’s List spamming me with local vendors out of the goodness of their hearts? They are offering targeted advertising to local companies as a charity service or do you think maybe those companies are paying Angie’s list advertising?

I suppose there may be some legal distinction between spamming and ‘advertising’ so Angie’s list can legally get away with this but since I am not a lawyer I will just call it what it is- Angie’s List is a lie. They do advertise vendors services so there is no reason to pay them to read their reviews. Stick with the free reviews. They take advertiser money too but at least they are honest about it!

So I give Angie’s list an F. They are engaging in deceptive advertising and spamming their customers. I mean if you want to pay to get spam while getting nothing else you can’t get for free elsewhere Then Angie’s list is for you!

They Walk Among Us!

Many people have long suspected aliens were slowly infiltrating Earth! So many people believe this that they even made the MIB movies!

One could reasonably propose that those movies were really an effort to defuse the whole concept of the existence of The MIB and therefore alien infiltration. If you bring it up now you are just silly! A brilliant ploy eh?  

Well I think I have proof that at least one species of alien life do walk among us! Those brilliant alien bastards even got unsuspecting humans to copy their camouflage technique as a fashion statement making it that much harder to spot the real enemy!

That is true brilliance people!  How can we defeat such high intellect?

SEE THE TRUTH!

So who is crazy now? Huh? Huh? 

It's Just So Yummy-ummy Girlfriend!

Here at work they accidentally stocked the coffee machine with “French Vanilla” coffee. (whatever the hell that is, vanilla don’t grow in France!)

Normally that is way too fru-fru for me! However, since I am an avowed caffeine junkie AND just way too cheap to buy my own coffee I have kept drinking it all week.  At first I hated it but now I am really appreciating all the subtle overtones in this blend. The soft woody overtones with the nutty after glow. There are just so many little flavors coming to the party! It really makes me feel warm and secure.

Suddenly I started having an opinion on “Dancing with the Stars”.

Then I started noticing how men dress and I find myself comparing their hairstyles and shoes to one an another. I am finding that occasionally guys with better clothes/hair/shoes make me angry! (Bastards!) 

Then last night instead of a shower I ran a bath. I have NEVER used the bathtub in my house before! I always shower. Then just as I started to get into the tub I got a sudden urge and broke out a couple of candles from my "ice storm" supply cache! 

As I sat soaking in the tub in the flickering candle light I wondered what was happening to me. Then I relaxed and let the warmth flow over me and forgot all about it. I slept soooo good last night!

Today, after one full work week of French Vanilla coffee, the guy who sits across from me has started bringing me coffee and smiling at me... a lot.

Should I be worried?

People are so complicated.

True story! 

I was just in the company cafeteria nuking my lunch. I had some left over meat balls I brought from home. Even micro-waved they smelled AWESOME!  

So two ladies are standing nearby talking about how expensive the cafeteria food is and how they did not want to eat there. So being the helpful guy I am I just playfully said, well you ladies are welcome to some of my meatballs if you like.

 A bit of a snotty smirk and "No thanks" was the reply. 

I was wondering why the snotty reply as I took about three steps and I froze! It just hit me - I just committed sexual harassment at work!!! Holy shit! She was going to go to HR! Oh no. Do something!
 

So I turned back around, uncovered my dish and held it out so they could see and said "Just to be clear, I really do have meat balls." The one lady looked at me quizzically for a second then blushed then started laughing so hard she doubled over" 

Only then did I realize my  "clarification" only made it worse.  Gah! 

People are so complicated.

Office Pranks II

I was pretty proud of this little office "note" last year. So the sticky pad man resumes his work of entertaining those few with a sense of humor and offending the masses...

I'm sorry my mind just works this way!

At least this last half decade I have had an outlet for these brain farts- blogging. I used to say this kind of stuff out loud and then have to go to HR. Now I just sneak around with my sticky pads and post them here for Tammy to enjoy! :)

So, I am at a new work site and they have this nice filtered water dispenser in the break room with a note...

This machine CRIED OUT for the nerdy redneck touch....

Ah, that's better!

Thoughts on Food

I just had a mermaid salad sandwich. I know it sounds really weird but it was really good! However  I am troubled by the ethical situation. Are mermaids human enough to count as cannibalism? I mean it's roughly akin to having sex with a third cousin. The genetic spread is great enough by gen 3 to avoid monster babies so its totally legal in any state but the thought is still creepy.


So yeah, clearly it's legal to eat mermaids or else Kroger would not have a shelf full of them but in spite of the flaky tenderness of the meat I am still having qualms. Something just is not right about eating mermaid. Maybe I am just too much a guy and it just bugs me to eat pretty mermaids. Maybe I should try eating mermen? Oh wait! Strike that! Never mind!


To top it all off I know rednecks think every kind of non traditional meat tastes like chicken however I find that mermaid meat tastes nothing like chicken so I am not sure what the marketing folks had in mind with this name...

On another note I heard rice cakes were really good for weight loss. So I thought I would give them a try. Never being a shades of grey kind of guy I ate nothing but rice cakes for 5 days. Two rice cakes and a cup of coffee for a meal is so yummy and satisfying so you would think its a great diet right?  However, I put on a butt load of weight (literally!) I don't get it? Could TV have possibly lied to me?

Rice cakes for weight loss! The great LIE!

News Hype!

THE LEAD IN.


{in a tense and powerful voice} Tonight on actions news! A local airshow act goes horrifyingly wrong! The pilot loses control of his aircraft and impacts four buildings traumatizing the building occupants! Complete film at 11:00











THE REALITY:

Talk about being scared shitless! AR!

Hello Kitty!

I'm Gonna Be Rich!

Good old Exacto blades. They cut right through flesh like a light saber!

My Exacto knife DID NOT come with a 16 page "manual" that was actually full of legal warnings such as:


"WARNING! THIS IS NOT A TOY! STICKING THIS TOOL INTO YOUR FLESH OR ANY OTHER PERSONS FLESH COULD CAUSE INJURY OR DEATH; USE EXTREMELY EXTREME CAUTION

Therefore since I was not properly and repeatedly warned that sharp things can cut you even faster and easier than what you meant to cut, I put the blade right through my index finger! Exit wound and everything! COOL, er, I mean, oh the psychological damage! I am having nightmares, I get the shakes around shiny things. Spinner rims actually put me into a epileptic like seizure now! It's horrible. I can never travel in urban areas where ask murderers roam again! I deserve compensation damn it!

And if I had ONLY been properly warned in an instruction manual which  I would have never opened THIS would not have happened...

So, how do I get blood off my counter top? It kinda soaked in while I was busy trying to apply first aid to myself.

Well the warnings AND if the damn knife would have cut what I was trying to cut then I would not have slipped and cut me instead of my target!
This is a real problem in America. Did you know there are over 20,000,000 knife injuries per year in this country and millions of them are very serious. Also did you know that I make up 82.2 percent of my stats right on the spot? It's a problem people!

With my millions from the settlement I will start the Nerdy Redneck Foundation to stop sharp knifes. Our Motto will be "The only good knife is a dull knife" or "safer Knifes for a safer world" or something equally inane. If there are any colors left we can do an awareness ribbon! I mean really work those cliches here folks!

Then like most charities we will totally loose focus and start will campaigning against anything sharp. Our group will inevitably support all the teachers demanding children be put on Ritalin! "Sharp things are dangerous, we demand dull children!" YEAH!

Oooh, THAT will get me on the morning talk show circuit

Join the protest chant people...
TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT
WE DEMAND KIDS BE ILLITERATE
(Now northerners, here in the south "illiterate" rhymes with "eight", don't blame the poet for *your* funny accents !)


PS Mr. Clean, that phallic symbol from the days when housewife's were lonely for a big strong CLEAN man, does an awesome job on blood stains.

Random Points

TV

I have been DVR'ing "Hoarders" as I know a few.

For some reason I just can't make myself delete them off the DVR after I watch them. I mean what if I missed something? What if they cancel the series, how will I ever catch what I missed? What if someday something comes up and the knowledge in one of those episodes is EXACTLY what I need to solve the problem.

My DVR is all full of Hoarders episodes and I cant record anything else. I guess I need a bigger DVR.

Rest?

A few posts back I showed you my new fence. I have also been moving a lot of dirt to level the yard and improve drainage. I have been so stiff and sore for weeks now. So I decided Sunday was going to be a day of rest, a "me day".  I vowed I would not do any work! Read, watch Cheesy TV etc and just relax for one lousy day.

I decided to play the Wii I bought, jeez, years ago. I had a BLAST playing Tennis, baseball, golf and Bowling.

Some rest! Wii Sports is active! My God I am so stiff this morning I can hardly type. I don't remember my coffee cup being so damn heavy!

"Bad call Ripley, bad call."

I have the POWER (2)

Wow, I am just coming to grips with this sway I hold over the universe. Not long ago I say here that Rick Perry should not be president and within 12 hours he drops out of the the race.

Last year I bitch about Ford building wimpy "Muscle  cars" and now they have this!

This is way better than my idea of putting a megaphone in the wheel well so it would at least sound like a muscle car.

Apparently the force grows strong in me! Anyone seen my droid?

Whitney Houston

As we know "Celebrity Watch" is not my thing here so I'll keep this very short and to the point...

For a week now I have been hearing "I Will Always Love You". GAH! NO mos por favor, no mos!  Uh HELLO "Journalists", Whitney actually did more than one song and in my opinion that is not her best. In fact it makes me think of Tarzan! AhhhhhAHHHHHahhhhAHHHHH. Where Cheetah Jane?

On the other hand  I simply can not listen to "I wanna dance with Somebody" and NOT start moving.

Shut up about Bobby Brown already. Whitney can kill herself alllll by herself like a BIG girl!

'Nuff said

Times are TOUGH!

Last Friday I went to see my stock broker. I usually do this stuff online but he was paying me for a change so I had to go see him.

I keyed the address into good old Map quest and I thought "Great! Out in front of the mall. THAT will really help narrow down where to find him in the mall! STUPID MAP QUEST!" Here see for yourself... (click pic to embiggen if you wish. (yeah, I make up words, leave me alone!))

I mean right smack dab in the middle of the road. C'mon!!

Well after a few laps around the building. I called him again and he said he had seen me drive by three times and look south, can I see him waving. Oh Shit! There he was! I had been avoiding eye contact with him which turned out to be really embarrassing in the end 



My Broker!

WOW. Retractions all the way around.... Map Quest is dead on! He was in the road! I'm sorry Map quest...

MMMMMmmm, I shore do loves me some humble pie y'all!

I HAVE THE POWER!

My wallet was stolen last November. The credit cards were replaced within 10 days.

I am still waiting for a new a drivers licence. I was in Illinois then. I got online and sure enough I could get a duplicate issued and mailed ONLY to my home from the website. Makes sense and no problem-o because then my son could send it to me up north.

Ironically I had to wait for a credit card to be re-issued so I could use it on the website to pay the fee for a duplicate licence. :)

So in December I still don't have a licence so I check my credit card statement and the modest payment to the state of Texas never hit so I assumed I somehow or another did not complete the website correctly. You know some silly like not hitting the confirm button AFTER hitting the submit button. (Being a UNIX guy the plebeian "Are you sure?" thing of the GUI baby universe often throws me off! ;) )

So I hit the Texas  "Department of Public Safety" (State Police) website again and ran through the process again looking hard for the "confirm: or the "are you really, really, REALLY sure" button and I am pretty sure I got it right this time.

So along comes January and still no licence (several blog posts detailing many Christmas travel adventures with no valid ID will be written, this I SWEAR!)   So I get online again and I get a big red box saying call this phone number. Well it turns out I have been flagged for trying to get two drivers licences online and now I have to come in person to get it.

No problem, I moved home over Christmas so a in situ meeting is not the issue it would have been in Nov. or Dec. So I head on over.

The line stretches out the door into the parking lot. thank goodness it was a nice Texas day, in Illinois this line could be deadly (literally). When my spot in line gets to the door I see this GEM of government think....



A tough call; laugh or cry? I chose hysterical cackling followed by sobbing in the shower when I got home.

At first I thought I could have made an appointment and not stood in line?  Damn! THEN the stunning reality, the full soul crushing weight of the sign sinks in fully.... Even when you have an appointment you STILL have to stand in this line before your appointment will be "honored".     

As a man who thrives on efficiency I begin to shiver, then giggle then drool while still giggling. As a defense mechanism from such madness my mind detaches and floats away into a safer happier place. Why my mind chose to "vacation" in an old vision of the LSD inspired movie "Yellow Submarine" I may never fully understand. (Click play on the song below and keep reading, its a great sound track for the surreal tale to follow)

Only after vomiting off the edge of the sidewalk do I begin to regain contact with reality and as my super-ego reconnects with the wet ware I catch myself mumbling "we all live... in.. a..yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine". Whoa!

I was getting many dirty looks from my fellow line inmates for vomiting but as I wiped my mouth I simply stated, "You did not think I was going to give up my place in line for that did you?" 

The dirty looks become glares.

Never one to back down in the face of reason I just growl, "You folks just better pray I don't have to poo before this is over" 

No more eye contact is made with me. I have firmly establish my alpha-ness over this line herd!    

Anyway, I eventually work my way up the head of the line.  

Sidebar... Back in the 90's I fell in hate with our Governor here at the time, you may have heard of him. George W Bush. He signed a law requiring all Texans to give their thumbprints like convicted criminals in order to receive a drivers licences. The Prints are digitally encoded onto a magnetic strip on the back of the licence so they can swipe you license and make sure you and the licence match.

Hi big brudder! Wanna play some catch?   I realize I have these old fashioned ideas about the Constitution and right to privacy and such so I was outraged. Me and perhaps four others (by my count)

Back to the present story... deep in the belly of the beast.... I reach the lady with the computer! "Ok sir, lost licence, no problem, I just need your social security card?" 

"Ooooo, I don't have it on me."

"I am sorry sir, you will have to get it, we need it to identify you" 

"OH!", tapping my side of her computer monitor, "You have my picture right here don't you"?

"I am sorry sir, I will need your social security card to identify you."

Pointing at the thumbprint reader "Uh, you have my thumbprints in that system there and here is a reader, you can't match that? After all that is why fearless leader Bush made us submit them right?" (sadly noting there can actually be benefits to evil which is why I suppose so many sheep accept it)

"Sir, I have to have your Social Security card to identify you."

"Do you know how easy it is to fake one of those? Do you know how long I stood in this line? Whereas the data you have in this computer is secure and I don't have to stand in line again"

"Sir, I have to have your Social Security card to identify you"

"So you are saying that if I was a mass murderer and the state police (you!) arrested me right now I would be executed as John Doe because I don't have a social Security card?  

Silence.

In exasperation at the prospect of another day in line I simply say "FUCK!" and turn to walk away.
In that snotty tone only a public facing civil "servant" can use she ordered me to "watch my language"
"No ma'am! I still live in this funny place called America and I actually have the right to be rude and crude. So FUCK!!"

I'm not proud but it needed to be said... much like lancing a boil. It ain't pretty but it's utterly necessary.

OK! Irony tiiiiiiiiiiiime! Are you ready? 'cause this here is the kicker!

If I had not double submitted on the DPS (State Police) website I would have had my licence without showing my SOCIAL SECURITY CARD! Ponder on that a bit people! Let that sink in.......Yeah, I know right!?

So yesterday when I posted a much shorter and less humorous version of this rant on facebook I closed with "Rick Perry has been Governor of this state for 12 years, if this is the best our state agencies can do after 12 years of his "leadership" then he has no business being president"

Today he withdrew from the race! CNN Story Here.


BWUH HA HA HA! Can you feel my power young jedi's? I did not know I had it either but you people better start being nicer to me.

{waving three fingers....} "Its very warm in here ma'am; You want to remove your top..."

Chefs SUCK

Here is a post I meant to make anyway but another bloggers post about prepared food got me motivated...

Erika's residency in Springfield is nearly up and houses don't move that fast these days so I moved out Nov 1 (3 or 4 th actually and I STLL have stuff there! {sigh} being a nerd does have its downsides)

So I moved in with a new room mate, a working chef. As I moved in he began to unceremoniously go through my boxes marked "food" and throw most of it into a plastic tub labeled food bank. 

"Rob, I have very few rules here but your gas station food brings dishonor to my kitchen!" (exaggeration of course)

He gave me a very short list of foods I was allowed to buy and I was starting to think I had made an awful mistake moving in here. Then he swung open the refrigerator doors and there lay before my eye was an oasis! I felt fear as some sects of Christianity claim you get your own personalized heaven after the rapture.  This would be mine. When I saw this fridge I thought I had been killed (By an angry chef chucking 5 for a dollar mac and cheese into a plastic bin and had gone to my personal heaven

His fridge was full of stackable half gallon bins some with spouts some with little fold open doors. They were nearly refriderator depth and stacked neatly upon each other. They had lables like "Pulled Pork", "Baby Rays 'secret' BBQ Sauce", " Pork Chops, "Sirloin, "tender loin, "Roast beef, "Bacon, "Sausage (links), "Sausage Patties, Then in grease pencil the last "stocked on" date.

Whoa! Hello gluttoney have you met nerdy organizatrional skills? I knew you would like each other!

Then off course neat stacks of sliced chesses;  pepper jack, colby, mozarella, cheddar!

Then he explaimed that one of my duties as his room mate was to help him eat food before it goes bad. He is really sick of throwing out food that is not appropriate for the food bank.



Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs -
What a fucking MORON!

AS I lay on the floor cunvulsing mildly and choking on saliva my sadness at no longer having hot women room mates began to fade...Just a little though; Everyone (should) know the male hierarchy of needs for happiness... sex THEN food THEN machines - DUH! (Oh that is why this is the most erotic picture on earth! )  

As Kool aid would say - "OOOooooooooh yeah!"

 As usual I drifted off track... I have been having a really good record lately on weight loss! I was immediatly scared that access to so much incredible food in nearly unlimited quantites was really going to screw up my progress.

It did not!

Terry would actually prepare me meals and I would not INHALE them! I would portion them up and eat them over a day or two though. My weight loss continued while I continued to eat, meal after meal, the best food I have ever had over a continuous period in my life! It was like "sunday dinner" with the extended family as a child but 21 meals a week! (flashback! post roast, mashed potaotes and grandma's noodles and home made dinner rolls! (Damn, more drool in the keyboard) but terry's left overs brougth home were that good!)

The first morning I was there Terry asked if I wanted some coffee as I dressed for work. "Sure buddy!"

"Cream and sugar?"

"Yeah!" 

I sat at the kitchen table and nearly chocked on my coffee! It was the The Best Coffee I have ever had! "My god Terry!! OK, so what kind of "chefs seccret do you use to make your coffee so good!"

"Huh? It's just Folgers and a Mr. Coffeee"

"Huh? BULL!"

We may say "cream and sugar" in our cofee or tea. Have you ever had real life actual HEAVY CREAM and SUGAR in a cup of coffee! I have not and grew up on a  farm (I have heard you can get a cup of coffee like this at Starbucks but being hetero I have never been to a Starbucks)

While I ate all the gormet food I wanted everyday I continued to loose weight.

Then I packed up and left springfield for Dallas. I got caught in a blizzard and spent a day in a rest stop (full post forthcoming!) I started eating gas station food again! Burritoes and 2 dogs for 2 bucks etc. I had no problem with portion control but I would consume the portions is shorter order. I begandto be hungry too often again. Now back in Dallas with a fridge full of "normal" food I am not gaining but weight loss has stopped and it is a struggle again. 

My hypothesis is that a a very good satisfying meal will alleviate hunger pain. I am starting to think That overall "satisfaction" plays a significant role in satiety. Perhaps as significant a role as volume.  

When I Had an omelets for breakfast with onion caramelized in butter and bacon fat, and then the main omelet cooked in bacon fat I would only eat a fraction of it and not get hungry again. Then my blackend roast beef sandwich layered with gooey pepper jack cheese, homemade mustard and homemade mayo (OMG Who ever knew mayo had flavor and was not just a throat lubricant!? I sure as hell did not!) 

My urge for afternoon snacking was gone! 

For people who struggle with weight, give this a shot, eat a small but extremely delicious meal. See if the average period from meal time to begineing of hunger pains of hunger pains has a linear relationship with quality of eaten (defined by flavor!) vs quantity!  

Oh yeah, the tittle, so why do chefs suck? 'Cause when you move out and have to fend for your self again, food is just never the same. Terry, oh Terry, how do you make that omelet so fluffy that if it did not have meat for weight it would float away! The egg portion would melt like cotton candy leaving the onions, peppers and saudage! I'm jonesing Terry, I need my fix! {Wailing} Oh Terry don't hold out on me this way!