I am making and installing shelves in a closet for more hoarding storage space. 

The arthritis in my knees hurt so every 20 minutes or so I sit down to take a "knee break". To maintain maximum efficiency while l am sitting I carefully think through and organize my next major fuck up! 

I mean we can't just be fucking shit up at random now, can we! No, we can not!

Jumping on the bandwagon...

I don't often read the instructions but when I do,
you know I have really screwed something up.  

I Finally Figured it Out!

After nigh on a decade of trying to figure out a good way to open the vacuum packed will-survive-the-holocaust packaging they put so many products into these days I finally hit on a sure fire trick!

I mean in the past I have tried knives, scissors, carpet knives, razors and just all kinds of stuff and depending on the package you get mixed results but it is NEVER easy!

Well I got it now! Easy as pie! All you need is a $200 power band saw!

Of course, you should have seen the packaging THAT came in! Oy Vey!

Saddest party EVER

 

 

Text Stalker!

My littlest sister has this knack for not putting me in her phones contacts so every single time I text her I get a "Who is this?"

So, in my style I sent a couple of weird yet hilarious texts to both of my sisters referencing the need for a possible prostate exam. The one sister replied, yet again, "Who is this?"

In frustration I replied "Jesus!"

I got a text back asking for clarification about Jesus needing a prostate exam. So I went back with something about Jesus being older now etc. Basically I just went off on this Monty-Python-ish utterly nonsensical rif revolving around the theme of Jesus not dieing at 33 and getting on in years; One text was something like,"Well I am 2046 years old now but you know I still love you, right! 

Oh how I giggled as I sent out each text. I dropped little hints here and there as to who the real texter was. I also said "I love you" several times as well being my littlest sis and all. I was surprised my sis was not catching on. She is pretty sharp after all and this has been going on about a week. In fact, at times I was sure she did know who it was and was just playing dumb as part of the ongoing joke. 

So yesterday I texted her and got a pretty nasty response back. I thought, OK! She does not know it's me after all and I have pushed this joke as far as it can go but still being miffed that she NEVER knows it's me instead of just saying "it's your bother silly!" I made a post on her face book page referencing "old Jesus". Then she would KNOW it was me.

No response.

Uh oh, I must have *really* ticked her off! sharing DNA with her and all I know that can be serious! So today I called her to make amends.

Welllllll. Little sis did not let me know her number had changed and I got a hold of this seriously befuddled women who thought she was being cyber stalked by some psycho with a Jesus complex who was in love with her!

She was, uhhhhh, a bit peevish, yeah. She was about to call the law on me. In fact, the only reason she had not is my number was out of state and she did not know what law to call!

Yeah we both ended up laughing as I explained it all to her but I feel really bad for scaring her.

Damn those were funny texts just totally wasted!

Angie’s list; Here is a bad review!

You know, there are a host of websites out there where you can review services around you and read other people’s reviews; Google, Yelp, Yahoo, etc. Most of them are free.

“Angie’s List” charges you to be a member.

In a world full of free reviews sites why would you pay to be on “Angie’s List”?   Well they advertise quite heavily that they do not accept advertising so they are unbiased! That appealed to me so I signed up.

Well like Subway’s Foot long sub it turns out Angie’s list is misleading the public as well! ! Ever since I signed up I get one or two spam e-mails from Angie’s List per week advertising specials from companies providing services I searched on recently. Hmmmmm.

So is Angie’s List spamming me with local vendors out of the goodness of their hearts? They are offering targeted advertising to local companies as a charity service or do you think maybe those companies are paying Angie’s list advertising?

I suppose there may be some legal distinction between spamming and ‘advertising’ so Angie’s list can legally get away with this but since I am not a lawyer I will just call it what it is- Angie’s List is a lie. They do advertise vendors services so there is no reason to pay them to read their reviews. Stick with the free reviews. They take advertiser money too but at least they are honest about it!

So I give Angie’s list an F. They are engaging in deceptive advertising and spamming their customers. I mean if you want to pay to get spam while getting nothing else you can’t get for free elsewhere Then Angie’s list is for you!

They Walk Among Us!

Many people have long suspected aliens were slowly infiltrating Earth! So many people believe this that they even made the MIB movies!

One could reasonably propose that those movies were really an effort to defuse the whole concept of the existence of The MIB and therefore alien infiltration. If you bring it up now you are just silly! A brilliant ploy eh?  

Well I think I have proof that at least one species of alien life do walk among us! Those brilliant alien bastards even got unsuspecting humans to copy their camouflage technique as a fashion statement making it that much harder to spot the real enemy!

That is true brilliance people!  How can we defeat such high intellect?

SEE THE TRUTH!

So who is crazy now? Huh? Huh? 

It's Just So Yummy-ummy Girlfriend!

Here at work they accidentally stocked the coffee machine with “French Vanilla” coffee. (whatever the hell that is, vanilla don’t grow in France!)

Normally that is way too fru-fru for me! However, since I am an avowed caffeine junkie AND just way too cheap to buy my own coffee I have kept drinking it all week.  At first I hated it but now I am really appreciating all the subtle overtones in this blend. The soft woody overtones with the nutty after glow. There are just so many little flavors coming to the party! It really makes me feel warm and secure.

Suddenly I started having an opinion on “Dancing with the Stars”.

Then I started noticing how men dress and I find myself comparing their hairstyles and shoes to one an another. I am finding that occasionally guys with better clothes/hair/shoes make me angry! (Bastards!) 

Then last night instead of a shower I ran a bath. I have NEVER used the bathtub in my house before! I always shower. Then just as I started to get into the tub I got a sudden urge and broke out a couple of candles from my "ice storm" supply cache! 

As I sat soaking in the tub in the flickering candle light I wondered what was happening to me. Then I relaxed and let the warmth flow over me and forgot all about it. I slept soooo good last night!

Today, after one full work week of French Vanilla coffee, the guy who sits across from me has started bringing me coffee and smiling at me... a lot.

Should I be worried?

People are so complicated.

True story! 

I was just in the company cafeteria nuking my lunch. I had some left over meat balls I brought from home. Even micro-waved they smelled AWESOME!  

So two ladies are standing nearby talking about how expensive the cafeteria food is and how they did not want to eat there. So being the helpful guy I am I just playfully said, well you ladies are welcome to some of my meatballs if you like.

 A bit of a snotty smirk and "No thanks" was the reply. 

I was wondering why the snotty reply as I took about three steps and I froze! It just hit me - I just committed sexual harassment at work!!! Holy shit! She was going to go to HR! Oh no. Do something!
 

So I turned back around, uncovered my dish and held it out so they could see and said "Just to be clear, I really do have meat balls." The one lady looked at me quizzically for a second then blushed then started laughing so hard she doubled over" 

Only then did I realize my  "clarification" only made it worse.  Gah! 

People are so complicated.

Office Pranks II

I was pretty proud of this little office "note" last year. So the sticky pad man resumes his work of entertaining those few with a sense of humor and offending the masses...

I'm sorry my mind just works this way!

At least this last half decade I have had an outlet for these brain farts- blogging. I used to say this kind of stuff out loud and then have to go to HR. Now I just sneak around with my sticky pads and post them here for Tammy to enjoy! :)

So, I am at a new work site and they have this nice filtered water dispenser in the break room with a note...

This machine CRIED OUT for the nerdy redneck touch....

Ah, that's better!

Thoughts on Food

I just had a mermaid salad sandwich. I know it sounds really weird but it was really good! However  I am troubled by the ethical situation. Are mermaids human enough to count as cannibalism? I mean it's roughly akin to having sex with a third cousin. The genetic spread is great enough by gen 3 to avoid monster babies so its totally legal in any state but the thought is still creepy.


So yeah, clearly it's legal to eat mermaids or else Kroger would not have a shelf full of them but in spite of the flaky tenderness of the meat I am still having qualms. Something just is not right about eating mermaid. Maybe I am just too much a guy and it just bugs me to eat pretty mermaids. Maybe I should try eating mermen? Oh wait! Strike that! Never mind!


To top it all off I know rednecks think every kind of non traditional meat tastes like chicken however I find that mermaid meat tastes nothing like chicken so I am not sure what the marketing folks had in mind with this name...

On another note I heard rice cakes were really good for weight loss. So I thought I would give them a try. Never being a shades of grey kind of guy I ate nothing but rice cakes for 5 days. Two rice cakes and a cup of coffee for a meal is so yummy and satisfying so you would think its a great diet right?  However, I put on a butt load of weight (literally!) I don't get it? Could TV have possibly lied to me?

Rice cakes for weight loss! The great LIE!

News Hype!

THE LEAD IN.


{in a tense and powerful voice} Tonight on actions news! A local airshow act goes horrifyingly wrong! The pilot loses control of his aircraft and impacts four buildings traumatizing the building occupants! Complete film at 11:00











THE REALITY:

Talk about being scared shitless! AR!

Hello Kitty!

I'm Gonna Be Rich!

Good old Exacto blades. They cut right through flesh like a light saber!

My Exacto knife DID NOT come with a 16 page "manual" that was actually full of legal warnings such as:


"WARNING! THIS IS NOT A TOY! STICKING THIS TOOL INTO YOUR FLESH OR ANY OTHER PERSONS FLESH COULD CAUSE INJURY OR DEATH; USE EXTREMELY EXTREME CAUTION

Therefore since I was not properly and repeatedly warned that sharp things can cut you even faster and easier than what you meant to cut, I put the blade right through my index finger! Exit wound and everything! COOL, er, I mean, oh the psychological damage! I am having nightmares, I get the shakes around shiny things. Spinner rims actually put me into a epileptic like seizure now! It's horrible. I can never travel in urban areas where ask murderers roam again! I deserve compensation damn it!

And if I had ONLY been properly warned in an instruction manual which  I would have never opened THIS would not have happened...

So, how do I get blood off my counter top? It kinda soaked in while I was busy trying to apply first aid to myself.

Well the warnings AND if the damn knife would have cut what I was trying to cut then I would not have slipped and cut me instead of my target!
This is a real problem in America. Did you know there are over 20,000,000 knife injuries per year in this country and millions of them are very serious. Also did you know that I make up 82.2 percent of my stats right on the spot? It's a problem people!

With my millions from the settlement I will start the Nerdy Redneck Foundation to stop sharp knifes. Our Motto will be "The only good knife is a dull knife" or "safer Knifes for a safer world" or something equally inane. If there are any colors left we can do an awareness ribbon! I mean really work those cliches here folks!

Then like most charities we will totally loose focus and start will campaigning against anything sharp. Our group will inevitably support all the teachers demanding children be put on Ritalin! "Sharp things are dangerous, we demand dull children!" YEAH!

Oooh, THAT will get me on the morning talk show circuit

Join the protest chant people...
TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT
WE DEMAND KIDS BE ILLITERATE
(Now northerners, here in the south "illiterate" rhymes with "eight", don't blame the poet for *your* funny accents !)


PS Mr. Clean, that phallic symbol from the days when housewife's were lonely for a big strong CLEAN man, does an awesome job on blood stains.

Random Points

TV

I have been DVR'ing "Hoarders" as I know a few.

For some reason I just can't make myself delete them off the DVR after I watch them. I mean what if I missed something? What if they cancel the series, how will I ever catch what I missed? What if someday something comes up and the knowledge in one of those episodes is EXACTLY what I need to solve the problem.

My DVR is all full of Hoarders episodes and I cant record anything else. I guess I need a bigger DVR.

Rest?

A few posts back I showed you my new fence. I have also been moving a lot of dirt to level the yard and improve drainage. I have been so stiff and sore for weeks now. So I decided Sunday was going to be a day of rest, a "me day".  I vowed I would not do any work! Read, watch Cheesy TV etc and just relax for one lousy day.

I decided to play the Wii I bought, jeez, years ago. I had a BLAST playing Tennis, baseball, golf and Bowling.

Some rest! Wii Sports is active! My God I am so stiff this morning I can hardly type. I don't remember my coffee cup being so damn heavy!

"Bad call Ripley, bad call."