Confusing Headlines

Check this out this headline...

Apple under fire for 'gay conversion' app

When I first read the headline I thought they had an app to convert me to gay. On one hand that would be pretty kewl because then lots more women would be attracted to me.

One the other hand that app would be a silly waste of time to write because if I am male and I have an Apple then, clearly, I am already gay!

AR!

ps. Just a joke roomie. (But humor only works if there is a nugget of truth in it!)

Management Think #9

Recently I had to change my e-mail address and I do all on-line bill pay so I go to all my vendors, ya know, phone, cable, credit card, etc. and change my e-mail address.

Logically they all sent me an e-mail notifying that someone had changed my e-mail address online and if it was not me alert them to the security breach immediately.

However, two, count them TWO vendors sent that e-mail the the NEW e-mail account.   So if I had been hacked I would never know it. Since sending the e-mail to the new address defeats the entire point of even sending an e-mail you gotta wonder just what were they thinking?

Oh stupid question, hell I have been in this business long enough to "hear" the design meeting...

DBA: "Well the Idiots Guide to Website Design says to send a notification to the the old address for security"
"But how am I to be sending it to the old address when they just changed the address? I am not having the old address anymore"
DBA: Well we should have an audit table where we track changes and we can pull from there, OR in the change address screen you can hold the new address in memory, send a note to the old address THEN change the address in the database OR,...{three other ways to skin the cat}"
"I am not knowing about these things. Let me get back to you."

47 meetings and 1,487 excuses about why they just can't do it right the manager says "This is taking too much time, just send it to the new address, what the hells the difference. Gah DBA's are such a pain in the ass"

Cheapskate

I have true cheapskate tendencies. Now I am not too cheap to actually buy things but once I buy them I WILL extract every cent of value out them.

I won't spit out gum till the flavor is GONE! Etc etc.

So I tend to use the same razor blade too long. I pulled a fresh blade out of the medicine cabinet and started shaving and as I took the first stroke down my jawbone I was like WOW!! That is like shaving glass, it is sooo smooth and frictionless! Second stroke, "Man I got quit using these blades for so long. I forgot how nice a new blade feels!"

Then I noticed that where the shaving cream was gone I still had prominent whiskers sticking up? Huh?

Oh. Take the little plastic guard off the blade and lets try this again.

Manual SpamBot

"The circle is now complete Obi-Wan"

They used to pay people to spam. Then they automated the process with SpamBots. So to defeat the spam bots most sites set up some kind of test on comments/posting, weather it be a simple math problem or the skewed pass phrase.

So far that has defeated the SpamBots. I have been waiting for a while now for someone to crack the skewed pass phrase model used here on blogspot- so far so good. I am guessing it has worked this long because it is just barely human readable (at least to this human)

So now we have come full circle- they are now paying humans to post spam again. I have gotten a couple of them them in the last few weeks. I got this one on the "good news" post....

"I'm impressed with your post which i'm looking for. I have a forum which lets people to share and express their feeling. so come and join with us :) Place to share feeling

(I changed the link to prevent accidents.)

I have several observations about this spam post..

1) If you are going to pay someone to market Spam for you then you really should hire people who can speak the language you want to market in. (duh)

2) I think its HILARIOUS that my post about trying to replace Charlie Sheen on 2.5 men was "the post he was looking for" lol

3) This blog is (theoretically) about the hybrid nature of my nerd/redneck personality. There is often a lot of conflict there but one thing both nerds and rednecks agree on is that they have ZERO interest in "sharing their feelings" So a major "swing and a miss" there buddy!

4) Man, human SpamBot has GOT to be a shitty way to make a living.

Bad News Good News

Bad News - Well negotiations fell through with CBS today. They were only offering a million per episode with no back end. How can I live off that? Pffft!

Good news -  However, I  am now in negotiations with Martin Sheen to be his replacement son. The big question at this point is can I get along with Emilio Estevez or will Thanksgiving dinners at the Sheen house continue to be awwwwwwwkwaaaaard! :)

Good News!

I am in talks with CBS to replace Charlie Sheen on 2.5 men. Whoo hoo!

Failing a test and Passing a test

Ok, this story is the flip-side of yesterdays story!

I was looking for that critical first job right out of college. You know, you have the degree but you have zippo experience and employers are wary.

I went to an interview at Automated Telephone Management systems. I interviewed with one of the lead programmers there. After about 5 minutes it became painfully obvious I had nothing they were looking for. What I had studied and what they were doing were just totally different.

I knew I was not getting this job so I relaxed and with the pressure off my playful personality came out. I remember even cracking a joke about how I did not like their toilet in the lobby. It had a "booster seat" for the handicapped and said I felt like I was 5 years old with my legs dangling off the toilet like that.

The people in the surrounding cubes and the guy interviewing me all broke up laughing.

Then I delved off into Kirk VS Picard. My long standing position is that when Picard delvers a flying drop kick to someones chest then bags the blue chick, THEN we can talk!

Again laughter rippled throughout the surrounding cubes!

They made me an offer. I was SHOCKED!

Everyday I was there I was convinced they would realize their mistake and fire me so I really hit the books and studied all the new technology they used. I was given simple assignments that let me learn without overwhelming me. Still I was ready for that ax to fall any second!

In the meantime that manager at the hospital in the previous story would have LOVED this place. It was full of anti-social nerds who never said anything or talked to anybody. The monastery like silence was killing me! Once day I even stood up in my cube and yelled "What is this a library!? Somebody say something!"

So I started just going to random cubes and saying something like "It's break time lets go outside and see the sun?" Then I would get a chance to talk to that person and get to know them a little. Once the ice was broken they would talk to you in the future. One by one I pulled the monks out of their cubicles and got them talking to me. Before long I had us going to lunches together or hanging out together after work. Of course some people never joined in but most did.

I had been there about 5 months and I knew I was getting the technology down when I was assigned my first major project. It was a tough one too! In fact, It was so tough no one else wanted it and basically it got fobbed off on the new guy!

When I  pulled off that project I felt secure in that job for the first time. There was a question I had wanted to ask for 6 months but never dared ask before. Now that I no longer felt they were going to fire me at any second I finally asked it.

Mr. Manager, why did you hire me? I knew nothing you needed!

He nodded and chuckled! Well Rob, I had a personnel problem here. I had a lot of really bright gifted people working here but I did not have a team. They were not working together.  No one ever talked to each other, they never bonded. I had tried to loosen them up but as the boss they would not ease up around me. In your interview I tagged you as a team builder and even though you had NONE of the tech skills I needed I thought you would be a net gain as an actual team formed. I was right.

It's just a bonus you actually learned the skills we needed to boot.

So, after years of hard work and sacrifice to get that degree I was hired for my personality?!  Ouch!

So that is how women who get hired for thier looks feel like huh? :)

Giving a test and failing a test

One time I was interviewing at a hospital in Dallas. I was very conflicted. The technology was uber cool and I really, REALLY wanted to play with it, however the department manager was making quite a point about what a buttoned down formal place this was. I mean he was selling it, bragging about it and how great it was to work there because they had regular cubicle inspections and such. Wow.

Working with technology is the art of creative problem solving and creative people rarely do well in constrained formal work environments. Most technology firms understand this and in order to profit from their talents create work environments that fit them.

I am ex-military and I know I suffered there. "Don't think, follow the manual." is the rule. I once had an old master Sergent tell me that in wartime my solutions to problems would make me a hero but in peacetime they made me a pain in the ass.

So as much as I wanted to work in this hospital I did not think I would be happy there but I was not sure.  So while the department manager was taking me on a tour I had a sudden inspiration! A test! While we were in the cube farm area,  I said  in a moderately loud voice, "We are the knights who say ..." as I heard at least six discreet "Ni's" emanate from the cube farm I turned to the befuddled dept manager with a smile and said, "I think I will be happy here."

I never got an offer. In hindsight I am guessing my little test got me tagged as "pain in the ass" on the spot from his perspective.

Cest la vie.

A New Show Idea

 

 As if the the E! Network is not already unofficially the Kardashian channel they are getting ready to add yet another program to the Kardashian line up.

Wow, so how do any of these shows stay on the air anyway? Yes, The Kardashian girls are gorgeous. A given, but they are whiny, self possessed and annoying as hell. They are every bit as bad as conceited 13 year old's (since they were raised rich and spoiled 13 is probably about their correct emotional age and state)

Hey E! Here is an idea, How about turning the Kardashian's out into the wild and having big game hunters stalk and hunt them down them with tranquilizer guns? Now THAT is a show I would never miss!

Oh yeah, at least one of the hunters has to be Australian so we can get the whole crocodile hunter format thing going. Imagine all the following in an Aussie accent:

Oy,  look here mate, we are on the trail all right! We have spoor! A purple speckled toenail and a tuft of matted hair still stuck to the waxing strip! Clearly we are on the trail of a wild Kardashian. Sssh sssh, mate, if we listen carefully we can hear the mateing whine of the wild Kardashian..."

{enhanced fuzzy audio} "Nobody ever gives me any respect!  I can't believe I was not invited to her party! I mean I invited her to my party, why didn't she..."

"Yes, yes, mates, we are clearly closing in, quiet now, very quiet as the wild Kardashian can lash out with sharpened claws and really damage your eyes mate.... {stalking...stalking}



A sadly not so rare photo of a wild Kardashian beast in it's natural habitat.

 {wispering} Crickey! Look at that, we have found a wild Kardashian in her natural element, admiring herself in the mirror and whining incessantly. Now is the time to strike, lets shoot the tranq. (FOOONT)

Crickey she is a strong one mate, she is dazed but not going down! Looks like all that partying has built up her resistance to the tranqs! Looks like we need a second tranq for this beefy girl... (FOOONT)

My Gawd, she is still up- the force of self possession and self importance is strong in this one, Two tranqs and she is still stumbling around, we better end this before she hurts her self {FOONT FOONT)

And. she. is. down! It took 4 tranqs! What a trophy mates, what a trophy!

Well mates, that was a smacking good hunt eh? Tune in again and let's see which Kardashian falls next time on "Kardashian Hunters"! Only on E!

Ahhh California

Out in Santa Clara California they are banning the "Happy Meal". The logic goes you should not entice children with toys, clowns and I guess happiness. Interesting thought process.

So I recommend McDonald's create the Unhappy Meal, livers and onion, broccoli and prune juice. Yeah that will sell!

In a great twist, the unhappy meal will probably make all the unhappy people who think up all this silly shit very happy.

Quickies...

Today is my first full day out of bed since last Friday. I have been pretty sick. Then Monday something happened that I thought I thought would never happen to me! I got tired of laying around! {gasp}

Remember the old Olivia Newton John tune, "Lets Get Physical"? If not here is the YouTube of it...

Well yesterday my internal iPod modified it just a bit and I was singing:
"Lets get vertical, vertical,
I wanna get vertical,
Yeah lets get vertical!"

On a different note, here is quick video showing what it would be like if totally oblivious but still over analytical Nerdyredneck somehow wound up in prison...

They even got my sexy accent down pat!

Man I hope I get royalties off of this!

Prophecy Fulfilled! (eep)

Ahhhhhhhh! Run people RUN! Michael Jackson's zombie has returned from the dead! I knew this would happen I just KNEW it! I get sooo tired of being right about this shit!



(Full disclosure - I used this bit on Face Book a few months ago but nobody paid any attention to me over there (it seems my humor (such that it is) and face book are not compatible) so I brought it here for you folks to uh *cough*, enjoy)

Chicken Thoughts

Ok, the full story is linked below but the gist of is that a man in the audience of a cock fight was attacked and killed by one of the fighting game cocks.

Armed rooster kills man

The roosters possible thoughts...

"You killed and ate my entire family! DIE you bastard, DIE!"
"Man, I hope I don't fry for this!"
"Oh Sorry, I thought you were Colonel Sanders"
"Oh Sorry, I thought you were Micheal Vick"
"You bet against me, ME? I'll show you!"
"'The Crow" is in a contract dispute so they sent his work over to me"
"Don't be singing "They Come to Snuff the Rooster" around here be-yotch!"
"Yeah, this will get me on Oprah fer sure! What, she is off the air? NooooOOOoooOOO!"
"I will kill one every day until put they George Lopez back on the air!"
"So when do I get my 72 virgins?"
"I hope this makes the "Darwin Awards"
"You wanna see my flair? YOU want to see MY flair?"
"Yeah, I am talking to YOU!"
"I'm LEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOY JEEEEEEN-KIN'S! (gamer joke)

 Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die


The victims possible thoughts...

"Damn, I knew I should not have worn my red Star Trek shirt today"

Ehhh, that's all I got folks. Overall lame I know but it was fun brainstorming. Feel free to chime in!

Where the wild thoughts go

Helping women readers understand the male mind since 2006....

So recently I get a phone call from a beuatiful woman I have known for a few years....

"Hey Rob, how ya doing?"
"Other than freezing pretty good."
After some chit chat she comes to the point, "You know there is something I have been wanting to do for a long time and I hate to admit it but I am a little scared to try it but I just knew you would be the guy to help me out with it."
"I am intrigued, go on"
"Well, for a long time I have been wanting to have a three way"
"{gulp} And you thought of me?"
"Well sure. Will you help me with it?"
"{pause} This is some kind of trick, right?
"What? No."
"Uhhhh, Ok, well I guess it depends on who the third person is going to be."
"What difference does that make?"
"Well it matters to me!
"I can't see why but it was going to be my friend Ashley"

Wow! I've met Ashly and she is pretty hot too, "So is Ashley on board with this?
"Well sure. In fact she is pretty excited about it too."
"{Loooong pause} This is this some kind of trick, right?
"Why do you keep saying that"
"Well you know, that old saying, if its too good to be true..."
"Your so silly! What is too good to be true about teaching me how to make a 3 way call?

Yep, it was a blizzard!

I took this Thursday afternoon just west of Springfield Illinois...

Click to enlarge to grasp the full horrifying beauty of it all!

If you look on the left of the road in the middle distance you can see the tundra growing.
Way more to come on this topic