Who'd a thunk it?

Never in my life would I have ever expected myself to say the following words.

I take a lot of pride of being able to admit when I am wrong and I was so here it is.

I always thought that people who would continue to send a hypocritical, drunken, womanizing, man slaughtering, power abusing fool to DC for 47 years in a row years must be complete morons.

To the people of Massachusetts, I was clearly wrong about you.

"You are what you do when it counts."

This week it counted more than ever and you stepped up. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You did good, you should be proud! I know I am proud of you!

You may well have saved this nation from bankruptcy and you probably have saved untold millions of people from a slow painful death by waiting list for medical care and you certainly stopped (at least for now) the Marxist waltz that was being danced in DC.

You are the "Neo" of our little Matrix here. You stopped the unstoppable machine!

Here is a big fat wet kiss from me to the voters of Massachusetts... MUUUUUUUAHHHHHH!!!!!

I love you guys!

Fair is fair

I often like to make fun of management for their often bizarre and mind bogglingly stupid decisions so I guess it’s only fair to make a little fun of the workers too when they get all lazy brained…

Here in Springfield we had some snow last week.

So seriously, what does this guy think he is accomplishing?

See?

This is what I was talking about last week with my TSA Problems

An eight year old boy is on a TSA watch list.

He has been getting hand searched since he was two.

http://wcbstv.com/local/8.year.old.2.1425568.html

As Will Rodgers used to say, "Thank God we don't get all the government we pay for."

Ahhhhh Rednecks!

Is there anything they can't misuse, er, I mean do?

My heart swells with rednecky pride when I see such beauty. Don't watch this video unless you are prepared to weep with joy! You were warned!

Grow Up?

It seems to be a trend on TV lately to tell people to “Grow up”… “You are 30 now, you can’t dress like that or act like that or date someone like that", etc.

It’s starting to get on my nerves now. Can someone please explain to me just what the hell is so great about being “grown up”?

I mean if you go to work, pay your bills and help others when you can then what else is there to being “grown up”? According to TV it means being boring, dressing like a nun and dating boring people or better yet setting at home on Saturday night watching Home and Garden TV.

So I repeat, who wants to be a grown up? I sure as hell don’t.

So to all you people out there telling other people to “grow up” I only have one thing to say to you… Nana nana boo boo go stick your head in doo doo!

New Movie

At the movies this last weekend I saw a trailer for the pending Tim Burton flick "Alice in Wonderland". Now I do like weird avant garde stuff so it looked very entertaining to me. However, like oh so many Tim Burton flicks that looked good in trailer form in the past, I am sure I will be disappointed in the end. :)

Just one observation though, Johnny Depp is cast as the Mad Hatter. Now most actors do not like to be type cast so don't you think Johnny Depp would get tired of playing weird yet effeminate characters at some point in his career?

Whew!

Thank God for Classmates.com! I have spam from them this morning. Apparently Rena Fitzer (who I have never heard of) wants to contact me! So disregard the last post please! The universe seems to be returning to normal!

Man I feel so much better! Now if I had just one penis enlargement spam my relief would be complete but I will gladly take this happy omen!

End times?

I checked my e-mail this morning and I did not have a single spam e-mail. There is something very, very wrong here!

Signs and portents people, signs and portents! When something as utterly reliable as getting the notice that the Nigerian government is holding $20,000,000 for me fails then something in the universe is definitely askew! No Viagra offers? No girls that want to date me this Friday? NO SMUT? Scary scary stuff!

My God, I do not even a notice from classmates.com that the pretty popular girl I loved so much in high school but was too afraid to talk too really, really, REALLY wants to contact me NOW if only I were a member? Nothing?

Is the earth spinning off into the sun? Are the four horseman approaching? Were the Mayans off by two years on their calendar? It's the end times people! Prepare!

Hold me, I'm scared!

Management Think #8

OK, I refuse to fly commercial on Thanksgiving and Christmas weekends. The crowds are unreal and weather usually leaves 10’s if not 100’s of thousands people stranded at airports each year spending their holidays sleeping on the airport floor eating vending machine food.

However, I thought I would be safe flying home for New Years.

I cashed in frequent flyer miles so the times you get to fly are a little weird. I had to come back north Sunday morning which makes sense as LOTS of biz travelers head out Sunday evening so planes are generally full then. I figured at 8:00 AM Sunday morning the place would be deserted.

Wrong!



(sorry, it's not a good picture)

Oh, you can only see about 65% of the line from here it trails off a ways to the right.. When I first walked in the door I thought, “WOW, Cinnabon is doing a roaring trade this morning!” As I came around the corner and got a better angle my heart sank as I realized no, this is MY line!

Click on the picture to enlarge it then look carefully under the arrow. That long line just leads to the beginning of the “rats maze” look inside their alcove, there are at least 100 people in the “maze”.

Of course, if I could just print out my boarding pass I would not need to be in this line but reference last weeks post about the evil cabal of Rob Johnson’s in this world so I had to stand in this line.

Now, since I knew I was going to have “TSA Issues” I got there 1 ½ before my flight left.

It took an hour and 40 minutes to get through this line.

So why is this post called “Management Think”? I would like to point out to Southwest Airlines managers everywhere that nowadays they have these things called “Computers” It is VERY easy for you to know you sold a shit load of tickets this Sunday morning and your normal complement of 2 people working the ticket counter was probably not going to cut it this Sunday Morning.

Awwwwwwww.

Yeah, it's a bit cheesy and yes, it's a bit contrived but it makes me all happy anyway! {sniff}



See? There IS hope for guys with thinning hair. {sniff}

Fun with the Government

I am trying to fly home tonight.

Once upon a time I was on some Homeland Security (HS) watch list and I could not make reservations on the internet and I ALWAYS had to go through the full blown prostate exam version of screening before boarding a plane.

Apparently SOME guy named Robert Johnson somewhere made the bulging brains at HS nervous so therefore ANYONE named Robert Johnson had to go through all the crap to travel. (I hear the John Smiths of the world have the same problem)

So a few years ago I gathered up my birth certificate, my military discharge papers, college diplomas etc. etc. and submitted all of them to Homeland Security and they grudgingly admitted that I was not THE Robert Johnson that had them all atwitter and I have been able to fly with my anal virginity relatively intact lo these last couple of years.

Well, unless you have been sleeping in a cave (or perhaps a medical resident?) you are all aware of the attempted Christmas Day bombing of that flight to Detroit last weekend. You know, the guy who had no visa, no passport, no luggage and whose own father called the CIA and warned them about him was able to get on a plane and fly to Detroit with a bomb in his pants.

So now, of course, Robert Johnson’s every where are back on “the” watch list again and can no longer take care of business over the internet and one can only assume the anal probing will begin anew. (I wish I were gay then perhaps flying would be ever so much more fun? Oh, that reminds me, I need to stop and pick up some KY jelly before heading to the airport.)

So the thought occurs to me, I think I am going to ask my Dad to call the CIA and tell them he thinks I am going to attack some Americans. THEN maybe I can get past airport security without having odd bowel movements for several days afterwards again. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

Fun with Google

Did you ever wonder how the Google search engine works! Why with pigeons of course! I mean DUH! Don’t believe me? Well just let google.com explain it to you…

http://www.google.com/technology/pigeonrank.html

See? I just can't believe you ever doubted me!

Need a job? Google is hiring for its Lunar HiDeHiDeHo project!

http://www.google.com/jobs/lunar_job.html

Now who does not like FREE? Google has free (and mostly sanitary) wireless Internet available! Check it out!

(be sure to click the “Getting Started” button…)

http://www.google.com/tisp/

(and everyone made fun of that Senator for referring to the internet as a series of pipes! Clearly he was simply a Google TISP user!)

Looking for Romance? Why look anywhere other than Google?

http://www.google.com/romance/

(Oh, do NOT miss the "Take the Tour" link!)

Mmmmm, troubleshooting charts!

OK, nerds just love troubleshooting charts!

So compact, so concise, yet oh so full of sooooo much yummy, tasty knowledge! Mmmmmmmmm.

In fact I got to use one last night to help figure out what was wrong with Erica's oven. Ahhhhh, the perfect Sunday night entertainment! :)

So I thought I would share this handy new years eve troubleshooting chart with you.

Click it to enlarge then print it out and keep it handy.

Just another friendly service offered to you by Nerdyredneck inc.!

Crap?

Ok, I know computer people are weird, in fact I revel in it but today I was actually surprised by how weird a moment I had with a programmer.

It’s Friday morning and we are riding the elevator up and out of the blue in a depressing monotone he says, “Crap it’s Friday! I’ll be bored all weekend.”

Oh.My.GAWD.

I must bow before his awe inspiring nerdyness. I hereby pass on the slide rule of justice to the new alpha nerd. Don't feel bad for me either, suddenly, I no longer want to be the alpha nerd.

Dependency

I suppose with all addictions you never know just how addicted you are until you can no longer get your fix. For example I used to smoke. I always said and completely believed that I could quit smoking anytime I wanted too. I found out the hard way how wrong I was about that (finding out the hard way seems to be a personality trait of mine. :) )

I was 16 still living on the farm in Nebraska and I was only a month away from leaving for basic training when we received word that a significant blizzard was heading our way. So we ran into town and stocked up on groceries and settled in for the fun.

It was a doozy of a blizzard too. We got (as I recall) a couple of feet of snow but the winds were the killer. There was white out conditions for several days as the winds continued to howl long after the snow stopped. The winds were so strong they torn the storm door off the back porch. Of course high winds defeat the road clearing crews as the snow continually drifts back over cleared surfaces. Then of course the gravel rural roads are the lowest priority to clear as they get so little use. So as I recall we were snowed in for about two weeks.

For some odd reason when we stocked up on groceries I forgot to get cigarettes. Even as I was smoking the last of my cigs I was not concerned. I mean I could quit anytime I wanted to right?



Oh boy did I find out how bad I was hooked. At first I did not associate the restlessness and the inability to feel satisfied after eating with not having any smokes. After a period of time though as I started to jones badly there was no doubt in my mind that I WANTED A CIGARETTE DAMNIT!

My Aunts and uncles had lived through the great depression and the rationing of WWII and were tremendous and habitual hoarders. (e.g. when the last of them died and we were cleaning out the house we found over 800 pounds of sugar stashed in one of the bedrooms. They were ready for the next time sugar was rationed for a few years! ) So one of my long deceased Uncles used to smoke and I was sure he would have some smokes stashed somewhere so I started to search and search.

Sure enough I found a carton of non filter Camel’s that were very, very old. The cigarette paper had turned brown and when I started smoking one brown resin started to run from the end of the cig and actually ran down my arm. Oh it tasted horrible to boot!

I did not care; I relished every drag of that smoke as my shattered nerves were soothed and calmed by that hellishly bad cigarette. I never told myself again that I could quit anytime I wanted because I knew better!

I thought of this story because last Saturday night I found out I have another dependency. I went to nuke up lunch in the trusty old microwave and the fan ran, the turntable span and when the timer ran down it beeped as usual but the food was still ice cold. The micro had died. Oh, well, I was already planning a shopping trip Sunday morning so I just mentally tacked microwave on the list.

Saturday night I am standing in front of the fridge deciding on supper when I realized I had almost NOTHING in the house that did not require a microwave! Then I realized how totally addicted I am to the micro! I mean my god; boil a pot of water to make heat Polish sausage instead of just beaming it for 30 seconds? No way!

That was as close as I could get to food that could be cooked “conventionally”. I ended up having cereal and toast for supper. I was jonesing man, totally jonesing!

So just like the amazing discovery when I was 16 that I was completely hooked on nicotine, now I am fully aware that I am totally dependant on having a microwave.